Breaking a routine and "Deridgidizing"

So simply put, how do you do it?

I've been trying to gain weight, increasing my calories, and following an eating schedule for the past few months.  the schedule was not prescribed by anyone but it has a calorie target, which every so often i've increased to continue with the gaining, and I eat every few hours.  Now, I'm pretty rigid.  I eat at basically the same times, the same breakfast and lunch, pretty much the same snacks, and a different dinner.

I want to be able to try and "listen" to my body but I dont  really hear it, I wont crave anything, and when I try and do this, Ill see that 3 hours have passed and im not hungry, so I just pick a routine food and eat it.

Ive been eating about 2500 that past week and a half and am waiting for 2 weeks to pass before i weigh, i was about 97lbs and am about 5'4 the last time i weighed.  i feel as though ive gaied but am pretty sure its a combo of water, my head, and some real weight. 

im sure im still underweight but im wondering how and when routines are broken, how can i learn to eat what i want, when i want, and how much i want?

thank you! good luck to everyone!

too odd?  no one else has this?

I have about the same problem.

I can't connect to the hungry signal.

It's been  8 months and I still eat mechanically because I just can't seem to get the hungry feeling.

It's strange.

oh boy, i feel like im deffinately recovering both mentally and physically, maybe the physiological part takes longer?

i just want to be able to eat i suppose, its deff partly due to the ED though so i guess i need more time w the psychological aspect, hmm

anyone else??

thanks!!

im dealing with the same thing right now.  havent felt hungry since ive had my ED so ive also been eating at certain times each day.  if i didnt im pretty sure id forget to each since i dont feel that feeling of hunger...hopefully it will return as i continue the recovery process!

hmm, im really set on gaining and recovery, so its not that i forget to eat bc i know if enough time has passed, i just need to eat-mechanically, and sometiems i will be hungry but i dont crave anything?  i dont want anything in particular and its odd i think bc other ppl will want something, at wahtever time, and eat, im not able to?

I know we are emailing but I just want to say I agree.  My eyes are bigger than my stomach.  I dont know full or hungry I just want food all the time and never.  And it feels like I cant go out bc i need to eat by the clock and I have to eat at home and I have to eat at certain hours and I want to cook it bc I will know whats in it, plus I can make it better than a greasy gross restaurant.  And I am most comfortable eating at MY kitchen table by myself so it feels like I always have to be home if I am to get in 6 meals a day and reach my goals.... theres my vent:)

so im pretty srue that when you want to eat in your own kitchen, your own meals that you prpared bc theyre "healthier" than a restaurant, that its partly, at least partly, the ED. 

i just want to be able to "hear" my body, to maybe eat a huge breakfast and then maybe a smaller lunch just bc thats how my hunger/satiety cues were at that point, ya know?

i guess the more i think about it it still comes down to ED thoughts and being scared of letting go and giving in to my body, im so scared i wont let my body regulate i think, sorry, im just having a bit of an epiphany i think, i need to learn to let go and give in but how in the world is this done? how do i learn to listen and trust my body's instincts? its bizarre.

I need answers for this, too.  I have a hard time just eating what I like because I have no clue what I like anymore. :(

Agru-part of overcoming ED is retraining yourself what you need and how to eat.  In that sense, you HAVE to be rigid for a long period of time, or you'll never get anywhere.  The ED rigidness is another story.  That's the part that doesn't allow you to eat certain foods [like you can eat X amount as long as it's "your foods"] or flex your schedule to eat out, eat chips at a party, and so on.  Changing up the latter is a big part of recovery.  But just "listening to your hunger" won't work until a lot more consistent "retraining" with how you need to eat has happened and health has been restored.

hi TUFFSTUFF!

so i have to be rigid maybe regarding eating enough and portion sizes i guess, but then need to fight the ED rigidity regarding different foods, eating time schedules, and eating out for example?  so i need to first learn the first part, or what exactly is "how i need to eat"?  but once i get whatever that is maybe ill be more open to my hunger cues i suppose? 

i guess i dont know how to battle either part of the rigidity or what and how i "need to eat", other than eating at least a certain amount of cals?

hmm, this is much tougher that the weight part i think?

thank you

Yes--have a combination of your "rules" for taking over your life.  The "retraining eating and building health" are you intake MINIMUMS [more always ONLY serves your better interest if your tough enough to set the standard higher], and maybe food group goals.  I think your challenge food group would be carbs maybe? 

Then have a list of foods you have never eaten, aren't "worth" your calories, or are scary in some way.  Try to eat at least one of those each day.

Next time you go to a party, make sure to have not just a taste, but a whole piece of the cake/pie, plate of chips, whatever it is.  Same gameplan as getting your calories up: don't think, just do.  THen the results and feeling right can kick in and pay off--and you get a life free of ED to boot!

Denying your hunger cues is ALWAYS a limit on your potential. It's saying "metabolism don't speed up, body you're not okay to be healthy, mind obsess over eating because you'll never be able to really fill the void and eat what you  need/want...and ED, go ahead and rule my life."

Your calories are the backbone--and right now it's a minimum to make sure you keep stepping forward.  If you have the "talent" and "speed" to run faster, win more, [think in terms of a race], don't slow down or limit yourself just for ED's sake!

yes yes yes!! to everything! lol  actually, i ahve an engagement something or other for ppl i dont even know, parent's friends, and theyre a diff religion and what not, but im assuming it will involve food, and cakes especially, so im really really hoping they have something that ill want and i am so gung ho, bc that will be a big thing, to have a peice and not just a bits or 2, bc ive done that already, i need to move forward!  also, the part is like walk in sort of but like takes over 2 of my regualr eating times so that will also take some reorganization but all good challenges to work with!

i dont eat when im hungry, altho it happens less now that im eating more, and i wait for my nest regualrly scheduled eating time which i know is bc of the ED and so rediculous, i just cant seem to break from my eating pre set plan?!

im not sure if carbs are still a fear or if i even have fear foods, its more eating foods that i did not prepare and not knowing the cals in it or at elast a rough estimate, and eating out of my normally scheduled times.  along w cravings, that i dont have, i cant seem to remember what i liked or foods not worth it bc in my limited mind i suppose, i do really like waht i eat.  for instance, i think that if a "normal" person were to have the cake they would then sub or change something else they were eating that day, but i guess for maintenance thatd be ok, but not now.

so being hungry at an "off time" may be the metabolism speeding up?  thats a good thing bc i dont just want to be recovered and i dont even necessaraly want to be skinny, thats not where my mind is, i want health, a healthy life and metabolsim.  and learning how to run would be so amazing! lol 

hmm, 2500 is the minimum?  im so excited to weigh myself thurs bc thatll be 2 weeks, but do you think i should change that and weigh earlier, increase earlier?

thank you and jeez, how are you?????????????  lol, i hope everything is great!

agru-

not a lot of time to respond because i'm on the go, but hoping to catch you before today starts--b/c who knows what it can have in store for you?!

1. Think of  list of foods you have never eaten/never eat.  write them down. dare to challenge that it "might" be ED and not your tastes--eat one every day.

Think snack aisle...junk food...pastries...cereals WITH your bagel at breakfast...stuff like that--i bet you can find something. ;)

I don't know how you got stuck on this whole "can't go above 2500 until I weigh" but it's a bunch of phooey. :-P ...another one of ED's crazy rules with no purpose except to hold you back!

You shouldn't weigh, and more will DEFINITELY get you some better results.  WITHOUT weighing!

TUFFSTUFF-thank so much!!  im copying, pasting, and printing this, as ive done w other things youve said, so that i have reminders for myself.

thank you!!!!!

lol, me again, but i just wanted to say that i went to the negagement party, actually rt after bfast when i wasnt even that hungry but they had this big plate of cookies and i took a sandwich cookie-basically 2 cookies sandwiched together, filled w jelly, then half of it dipped in chocolate with sprinkles, and i ate the entire thing, soooo good!

yes, i feel like i need to look up the calories in it-stupid ED, but it was sooooooooooo good and its not like im going to restrict now, i just have this stupid desire to know the calories??  eventhough it wouldnt change my actions!!??

but, i really have to say that TUFFSTUFF, you gave me that opush i needed, i dont know that i even would have gone to the party if it wasnt for what you had said, thank you so much!!!!

AGRU! That's INCREDIBLE!

Seriously, the "real testers" for if ED is LEAVING your life, or just taking a new form of control [say, have to have 2500 calories of certain foods] is the changes.

Vacations and outings are key red flags that show the disorder still controls--a person may be eating 4000 cals a day, but come time to break out of "their foods" or routine and suddenly they can't eat, or eat more than a taste or a nibble.

You proved that you ARE taking control of your life agru!  That's what matters in the grand scheme of thing, and I'm amazed that you really ARE doing it--not don't put it all down the drain by assuming it was "tons of calories" and eating less later!  You COULD go double time and smash ED to smitherines by not even counting, and getting the treats on top of your usual 2500--that wouuld be WINNING two battles in one [going OVER the minimum, serving your goals, and WITH the new foods/setting].

?!?

maybe you body trusts that you'll eat or it's still in it's ED stage. keep trying! but get to a healthy weight first. you may find you will eat by routine at a healthy weight - some people do -  and after a while you body gets used to that and will ask for it if you miss something. if you don't have anythin your body wants, get it wanting something. it's something you have to learn with ou body, i ust got my apetite back. th hormone is called leptin, correct me if im wrong but isn't it in zinc tablets or something?

thanks guys!!!

TUFFSTUFF-the party really wasnt that bad, i mean i didnt know a soul other than my father, lol and we only stayed about 1 hr or so, but im proud.  i had just eaten and really did not THINK i could eat again, but the cookies looked amazing so i ate the whole thing and it was and still is a great thing! 

really, how can you even count a bakery cookie, there is no way of knowing the exact number and trying to look up the cals in such a mystery food only serves to drive someone crazy!  i know that its ok for me to have extra cals now, but, i wonder how someone not trying to maintain would proceed with their day, i guess they might swap something later in their day for something a bit lower in cals?  it just doesnt help me to think of the future when my parents, the only other ppl that i routinely see their eating, are not eating again for the day bc of 1 big meal earlier, i get so confused?  i mean do ppl in maintenance eat 1/day, that cant be?

also, my mother keeps asking for how much i weigh, theyre very into numbers and i tell her i dont know, and that im not weighing bc ive increased and so on, but theyre not into it and want to know exact numbers.  also, i do feel like im eating a lot and dont want this quest for health to turn into a challenge of how much of a glutton i can be, how and when do i weigh in order to gauge my progress?

oh well, deff had a success today andi cant thank you enoughhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

HOLBEE-hi hun!  i dont know how much i weigh, feel l ike ive gained tons but not sure.  i do have an appetite, a lot of the time, just not for anything in particular.  altho sometimes i wont be hungry for my afternoon snack yet the next day i will be? lol

hmm, get it wanting something...

thanks!!!

Agru-

worrying about the next step, or the end, is another key way ED keeps you trapped.

I promise it will work out--but only if you do what you need to now, now.

You really just need to focus on what you need to do for now.  That means your 2500 after the cookie.  That will be win-win for you.

You took a great stand against a life doomed to ED today--now don't let him take that victory away from you by causing you to "make up" for it by skimping later!