breaking up is hard to do. is getting over it going to get easier? (I MUST stay motivated)

I recently (9-30) broke up with my live-in bf of 4+ years...........   I know it was the right thing to do for ME, but he is so manipulative, knows me SO WELL, and says all the right things.  

Yesterday when I was gone all day, was his move out day.   He left me in shambles.    All the things he said he would leave, he took ---- like the bed , even thouhg he had a loaner from his parents and I have nothing.  I had EVERYTHING I needed when we got together, but I seriously feel like I just moved out of my mom's at 17 again.   He did not hook up my old tv like he promised he would since he took the new one ----   I am so used to at least a little background noise, I feel like I am going a little crazy it is so quiet......   I am glad he took most of his stuff, so that the back and forth moving is almost over.  He forgot to leave my house keys and took the cable I need for the tv, so I am sure that was on purpose.    He left a TERRIBLE mess for me to deal with after moving his crap out.    Pretty much breaking up is HARD to do.  

I have other options.   I am going to pursue them.    He wants me "to wait" to date.   Huh?  whatever.    more manipulating. 

As far as the "does it get easier?" part..... please lie (if necessary) and tell me it does............................  & nbsp;  I need it to get easier.     I know once I see M again (new boy), it will help, but he is 5 hours away, high school sweetheart, LONG story.....     ( :     I need to be better NOW. 

Tips and tricks for BETTER NOW???????????????????????????  I have lost 80 lbs and want to keep going.    Staying motivated is hard.

Hi Olivia- I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, but glad that you realize it was the right thing for YOU!

Back in February my bf of 5 years and I broke up. It was a slightly different situation from yours, but it was horrible nonetheless. I had lost a decent amount of weight at that point, but fell off the wagon and completely lost it for about 2 months. Believe it or not, getting back on the wagon...gathering up the pieces and putting everything back together...really helped me to feel better.

Everyone told me this when I was in the depths of depression afterwards, and I found it very hard to believe (even though, like you, I KNEW that the breakup was definitely the best thing for me), but it does get better! You'll wake up one day, take a deep breath and realize how much better your life is for it! I can't say how long it will take (about 2 months for me), but it will happen!

Also, the only way that I could truly begin to "heal" was to cut him out of my life completely. I literally had to delete his numbers, throw a ton of stuff away, and tell him to NOT contact me under any circumstances. THAT was incredibly hard, but the best step that I took during the whole breakup! You cannot feel better if he's constantly there manipulating.

To sum it up: (and this is NOT a lie!) It absolutely will get better, things will come up to fill that space in your life that he used to fill, and life will be so much better for it!

Be strong, stay motivated, it's easier to begin feeling better if you're healthy and strong!!!

those first few weeks (months) are the worst... about 30 days out you start to see a glimmer, dont feel like the world is caving in anymore, and within a few months, life will feel like its new normal, with only the occasional blip that throws you back.

find ways to occupy your time that doesnt include time to think, find a new hobby, people to be around that are fun and keep you moving.

i wouldnt recommend throwing yourself into a new relationship-- why not find out who you are first?  four years is a long time, 80 lbs is a lot of weight.  You finally get to be YOU, take the opportunity and run with it.

It does get better. 

To this day, nothing makes me prouder than kicking the jerk out of my life. (and I have done a lot that I am proud of)

I'll echo what others have said - completely delete him from your life.  You can't stop yourself from thinking about him and probably missing him, but you can make it happen less often by getting rid of ANYTHING that makes you think of him.  It's okay to miss him, but never forget that this is what's best for you. 

What you're going through right now is unbelievable hard, but it will get easier, and it's worth it to push through.

You deserve to do good things for you.  In addition to being rid of this toxic force in your life, do other good things for yourself.  Use it as a chance to rededicate yourself to healthy eating and exercise instead of letting yourself mope.  Make sure you make time to do things you enjoy.  See your friends.  If you can afford it, spend a day at the spa or buy a cute new outfit or accessory.  And if there is something you have always wanted to do, take this chance to do it!  Take a painting class, go to that restaurant you have always wanted to try, or even get the cd of that band that you always wanted to check out.  I found it very help to have new things in my life that were all mine and not his.

I wish you all the best. <3

Olivia, After reading so many of your posts and journals, i'm glad to hear you made such an important decision. Having a manipulative BF is never healthy.  His actions on move out day were absolutely childish and even more proof that you are way better than him.

I know its super hard right now, but you need to focus on you. So many times, we get stuck worrying about others or taking care of others instead of doing what we need to do for us.  Use this time to focus on yourself. You have made an absolutely amazing transformation. Just look at yourself! You are so beautiful.

I absolutely agree with the above poster - do things that make you happy. Maybe there are things you never did - just because he didn't like to, or maybe there's somewhere you want to go that you didnt go because he didnt want to.  Take some time to get back in touch with you and you will find yourself growing stronger not just mentally but also physically.

Hey Olivia,

Just wanted to say that 3 years ago I broke up with my partner of 2 years, who was a wonderful person, but the love had just gone. It was a really horrible situation to be in, especially as I initiated the break-up so I felt like the "bad guy", or that it was my fault, even though it wasn't. HOWEVER, a while later I found the guy who's the love of my life... we are so happy in love it makes me see how WRONG the previous person was for me, more so than I realised at the time.

I think what everyone else has been saying is right, that it's a great time to focus on yourself. Focus on what makes you happy, and love will find you :)

Forget about him. He's a dick if he's going to take all of your things. (Clearly you know this.) But I'm saying it because you shouldn't be expecting him to do things for you like hook up the TV. Go online and figure out how to do it yourself. For me, in break ups, the best thing to do is gain back your self confidence. Doing this through learning that you can be on your own successfully is the best way. You have to learn at some point how to be happy on your own even in a relationship, and having the self esteem to hook up your own TV can help.

Also, DON'T TALK TO HIM. The worst thing I think people do is continue talking. Maybe at some point you can, but especially if he is so manipulative, just cut him off. He's going to be a royal pain no matter what. You don't need that in your life right now so just get rid of him and don't look back.

It does get easier because you can look back and see all the reasons he was totally wrong for you. Plus if he's as much of a jerk as it sounds, life won't be doing him any favors, and the next time you see him two or three years from now he'll still be stuck in a rut and you'll have moved on. =) It's always hard to see outside the situation, especially in a break up. But once you've moved beyond it, you can.

And don't let him tell you what to do! He can't make you wait to date. Though I do agree with being cautious in a new one. I got into a relationship after breaking up the most serious relationship I ever had with anyone and even though the guy was a manipulative ass, I know I treated the new guy badly because of it. (Even though I thought I wouldn't hurt so badly because I knew the guy I was with prior was a douche.) You need to set boundaries and let him the new guy know that you're not going to be walked on by him. Make sure you give yourself plenty of time to do the things the old guy restricted you from.

Continuing on your healthy life style will ultimately only make you feel better about yourself. Let yourself have a few cookies, but you'll regret it so much more if you undo your life. You have to stand up in the face of the break up and say "I NEVER needed you." I know you can do it! *hugs*

You're not alone!   Most people have gone through this and can relate to how horrible it is.  Even if you weren't happy in your relationship you still feel like your world is coming down.  Trust me I know.  What helped for me was surrounding myself with good friends.  Also doing anything that I couldn't do while I was with him, or focus on really helped.  Anything that made me feel like I was moving forward or improving my life was so empowering.  This included getting healthier.  Plus there is always that awesome feeling of looking amazing around the a-hole and seeing the look in his eye! 

OMG I soooo feel your pain. I've been married for 4 years to a wonderful man, but I had an awful breakup many years ago. It will get better, but remember, one window closes and a door opens. So get ready for some great things. Now, I suggest you start doing things that you had to suppress while with him. Even if that is buying Pink towels for the bathroom or a lace bedspread. I cant tell you how rewarding it is to do that. I know it might sound silly, but try it. Redecorate a room to reflect you and all you. It was really rewarding to buy new bedroom linens that I absolutely loved. Sumptious wonderful colors...........my ex would have hated them. I still chuckle, he would never set foot in that bedroom!!! Of course that was the point..........Anyway, take care of yourself, pamper yourself and most of all know that you deserve all the best life has to offer!

oh! and I know it's totally cliche.. but get a haircut.. transforming yourself in a small way like that can really do wonders.  seriously.

Oh sweetie!!

Breaking up is the pits. At the beginning of the year I finally ended a relationship. We had been together for nine years. I missed my "20's". I had sold everything so that we could move interstate for him to study. Left with everything do clean up and sort out in the end.

We were "over" years before I finally ended it. It was a truly toxic relationship. In the final year I gained 20 kilos which I've now half lost (woohoo!!)

If I wasn't so far away from him I would have done the stupid thing and got back togather, but I'm extremely lucky. I moved to my parents farm and have just got my teaching licence after studying. I can finally afford semi-regular flying lessons - he was a money vacuum!

It is hard, damn hard but ssssooooooooooo worth it. Yes, it does get easier. No lies. I promise. It takes a while though, and you really must remember, in your weaker moments, exactly why you broke up in the first place. The hardest thing, I found, was remembering what I used to do before him. How I filled my days. Getting your thought proccesses to be you focussed after a long time is the trick to putting it behind you. Don't worry - it'll come. Don't have regrets about the relationship either. That just puts down the person you are now - everything you do and have experienced is part of what makes up YOU right now.

Oh yeah..... screw the "wait to date" bollocks!!! If you want to see someone, good. Do it! It doesn't have to be another 4 year stint, hell it could be 4 weeks, 4 days!!! But it's up to you. Manipulators eventually make you forget, or feel like you're being unfair about having your say, that's why it's so hard to end it and move on. But you do have your opinion. It's YOUR life to lead. No one has the right to interfere.

Now go out there and live your life honey. No second guessing yourself. No limits. No regrets.

Take Care and if you still need help hooking up your TV, DVD, Stereo or hooking them all together, send me a msg.

Alanna

Honestly from the little you describe it sounds like you're better off without him. It also sounds like he's trying to "punish" you by taking things he said he'd leave and not hooking up the tv as promised.
And what is this about "he wants you to wait" to start dating? Eff him. I mean you're not even together any more, why should he have ANY input whatsoever into your life?

I know exactly how you feel , broke up with my gf of 4 years a few months ago and i was so lonely and the apartment so empty and quiet. I never have done well with living by myself.

I used the breakup to fuel what i wanted to do with my body. I worked out 6 days a week and started eating right.

I am in great shape now and the pain of the breakup is almost completely gone. I still think about it some times and it still hurts a bit but i did the breaking up and i have to remind myself why i did it.

 

I can now do all of the things that she wouldnt or couldnt do. I go biking , skiing , scuba diving...im going to get myself a motorcycle next year (something she swore she would leave me if i ever did)

 

Just be strong and eventually the reminders of them and the pain will go away. It just takes time.

 

Take care and good luck

 

-Ubi