*breaths* What an odd thing.

I feel like I am trying to balance on the smallest point atop something monsterously big. Every now and then I can feel myself tipping; through a day, a week or over the period of months sometimes.

Lately(the past two months or so) I have been researching anorexia and bulimia. I am quite interested in the Japanese culture and when I look at fashion magazines from Japan one of the major things that I think are "I want to be that thin and delicate-looking". And I began to look up ways to lose weight quickly, and along the way I found many "pro-Ana" websites. I tried to rationalize my curiosity by saying things like "I'll only look" and "Maybe I can use some of the weight-loss ideas and apply them in healthy, more moderate ways". 

When I am near a computer I feel the need to research for weight loss tips and ideas.

I am by no means anorexic. I eat regularly and even if I may not feel like eating I will make myself eat if I know that my calorie intake is too low.

When I first joined CC I set a goal of 140 lb.s (F.Y.I. I am 5'8) and when I was at my lowest weight which was 144 I looked in the mirror and thought "140 will definitely not be enough". I still agree that 140 wouldn't make me feel comfortable enough, but I am afraid that even when I reach 133 I will think that it isn't enough.

The scariest/most alarming things that I have noticed is that my Mama and Papa keep saying things like "Wow, you really are losing alot of weight and building some muscle; you look very fit and lean" and when I look in the mirror I look exactly the same as I did when I weighed 155lb.s. Also the other day I felt very tired and didn't quite feel like eating before bed. As I layed down I realised that I haden't consumed over 950 calories and burned alot during the day and this happy self-depricating feeling came over me; I was proud of myself for not eating enough to fuel my body efficiently. I am not someone who particularly likes themself and when I put myself down(i.e. "Iam stupid/ugly/irritating/burdensome/ect.") I feel very rightious asthough I am speaking the truth of my core and so when I saw motivation quotes on a pro-ana site that said "I can be so thin that there will always be room for others" and "Eating is selfish; I don't deserve to indulge in it" a part of me felt relieved; like "I have found people who might understand a big part of me." The only thing that I don't understand is that the people who want to become anorexic or are anorexic are very sweet, thoughtful, people. They seem to be smart and organised and interested in the world. Of course I find that everyone I know is like this. So I can see why people would find me irritating or unuseful or burdensome, but this world is so filled to the brim with kind and loving living beings; I just cannot imagine anyone of them, and it breaks my heart to do so, thinking any less of themselves than the amazing beings thay are.

I know that this whole post is strange and probably written in a scattered-thought-process way and I do apologize for that. There are so very many things that I want to say that my mind jumps from one worry thought that I have kept to myself to the next one. I never want to become anorexic and I am becoming more concerned for myself that I may be headed that way.

Thank you sovery much for reading this and please don't feel obligated to reply, however any sort of comment would be very appreciated.

-Kat

Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see your current weight. Not that it really matters, but I wanted to tell you that I know that losing weight is a crazy thing and it really can mess with your head at times.

I am trying to reach out to you, but I really have no idea what to say. I think the fact that you are posting means you don't want to go down that road that you are standing on the edge of...and that is a very good thing. You know, this post may have been better posted in the health and support forum, where there are people that can identify with what you are feeling and help you through this.

Quite possibly, if these feelings are strong enough (which it seems they may be) you might need to tell someone in real life...as hard as that may be.

Don't hurt yourself (which is what not eating is doing) because even as good as you may think it feels to deny yourself....later in life you will know that being good to yourself is so much better.

*sigh* I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better, and I hope you do.

 

I think it's a very good thing that you recognize there is a problem with staying on this path you are flirting with.

I went through a couple weeks recently where the idea of bulimia really appealed to me.  The negative side effects eventually dissuaded me.

Anorexic people may be kind, loving beings, but they are also people with an illness.  One that can kill them.

I don't know what to say about your inability to see the difference in your body.  Do you have before and after pics?  Sometimes it's hard to remember how far we've come.

I would definately take some pictures.  I have similar problems.  I don't look a lot up on the internet.. But when it comes to what I see in the mirror.  I still see my large body.  It is very normal. 

I am 5'7 and a size 8/9 now.  I still see a size 12 in the mirror.  It got so wierd to put on clothes that I thought would fit me, to have them hanging on me.  Sometimes it takes our mental image a little while to catch up with how we actually look. 

I went from being a person who hated having my photo taken to loving it.  Now I look at pictures of myself almost in amazement.  Any picture that has me with a skirt, I can't believe my legs look the way they do, because in the mirror.. they are so different..

Mirrors can lie, take photos, even of the areas that you think need to go down.  You might be suprised how different a photo image can be from what the mirror tells us. 

Right

You seem far too lovely to start losing the plot. I'm a similar build to you I think. I'm 5 foot 9 and 143lb on a good day (which isn't today apparently, 147 - bah!). So I reckon you probably do have a little weight to lose, so it is probably too early to worry that you might not think 133 is skinny enough when you get there. I think everyone on this site has tried to starve themselves after a binge or a "fat day" to try and speed things up. The fact that you are aware that your thoughts are a bit destructive is probably a good thing.

Just keep losing the weight slowly - boring I know but it is the only way to do it.

Chin up lass!

x

As someone who had a full blown ED for fifteen years...

Girl, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

This is how I know you can take control of these thoughts and not tread that path: You are conscious of the thoughts. You are taking ownership of the feelings. You are working through the strange and "beautiful" thoughts knowing that while they feel oddly comforting they are indeed ugly thoughts.

Self-esteem is a bitch, ain't it? The lack of positive self-esteem can lead us to do horrible things to ourselves---from speaking to ourselves in nasty words to developing a life threatening obsession like cutting or an eating disorder. For some, we're trained to hate ourselves because others have planted those thoughts in our heads. For some, like me, I had to own the thoughts because no one EVER (aside from the playground, but we all go through that) made me feel less than except myself.

You sound very much like me: never seeing the amazingness in yourself but you're able to happy to tell everyone and anyone who will listen just how lovely THEY are. It's a blessing and a curse, taking care of everyone but yourself.

FYI, I can promise you that if everyone on this board were to be honest with themselves, they've had that "booyah! I only ate 1000 calories today! Am example of perfect self-control. Am dieting MACHINE!!" moment. The difference is between those who have done it once and understand it is not the way to lose weight/stay healthy/live but own it for that moment as a testament to our building willpower.....and then the next day go right back to eating the PROPER amount-----and then those who run with that feeling regardless of knowing how disordered the thinking is.

BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) happens in many, many people. But those of us with disordered eating tendencies have a special talent for it. I'm almost 34 years old, hon...and I mentioned to my mother recently how pissed I am that I'm not seeing any change in my body even though I've lost 20 pounds. Her answer? "Mollie, you DO NOT SEE YOU IN THE MIRROR. You haven't seen Mollie in real life since you were 14 years old."

She's right. I struggle with it every single day, especially now that I'm making progress. USE your Mama and Papa's eyes today. They aren't lying to you. Just because they love you probably more than themselves doesn't mean they'd BS you to make you feel better.

If you can, go talk to someone as soon as you can about this stuff. And I don't mean your folks. I mean someone totally disassociated from you. Speak all the things in your head...the truths, the lies, the pain. Let someone prevent you from hurting yourself. Believe me, kid. If I could get those 15 years (and a couple of teeth) back, I would. Because even though I struggle to believe it sometimes, I was and am worth SO much more.

And you are as well. More than more.

xo

I know exactly what you mean.  I'm 5'4" and recently hit 125 lbs, my goal.  Lately, people have been saying how thin I've gotten and, "Don't go too far," or, "Be careful," or, "Are you stopping yet?"  Mostly it's been guys, oddly enough.  At first, I figured they were right and that I should stop soon.  Last week I decided to start 'maintainin'. 

Since then I've thought more about all the comments.  I think they were just sad to see my boobs get smaller; that would be typical for a guy, ..I think.  My top seems ok to me, if not a little smaller where I wish it weren't!  But, my bottom half seems to really like the fat and won't let it go....  So then I though I should just push for 3 or 4 more pounds.

But is my mind just tricking me?  Am I also getting sucked down a dangerous path?  I've asked my husband, but he won't give me a straight answer.  He just says to be careful.  Well, duh!

So it looks like we're in the same boat.  I wish you luck.  More importantly, I wish you the ability to see when enough is enough and to be happy with who you are.

Jenn

Well you're not alone, i can say that much. I started off at a size 9 and I can fit into a size 5 again but I still feel like a bloated hippo. Nothings ever good enough when it comes to my body.

I guess maybe its natural.

Oh my gosh, thank you all so very much for your kind words! How sweet you all are to hear my thoughts and to respond.

It's amazing how another people's perspectives can really brighten the heart, isn't it?

I thank you all so very much for your wisdom and kindness; thank you for giving me strength and courage to look for happiness.

Thank you, again and again,

Comforted,

-Kat

I want to encourage you in your efforts...but try to think HEALTHY!  You need to consume at least 1200 calories throughout the day and try to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks to keep your metabolism going.  You mentioned only eating 950 calories with exercise...that will throw your body into starvation mode causing it to store fat:(  You also might consider speaking with someone in your area that can run a metabolism test on you so that you know how much you can eat to lose and then maintain that weight.  You should also get a professional opinion on your ideal weight considering your size and bone structure.  If you're concerned with anorexia/bulemia, a professional giving you a healthy goal to set will help you stay away from playing mind games with yourself.  Good luck!

This has been on my mind lately too! Last week my mom told me "you look really skinny today have you hit your goal yet". and I said yes, but I meant my first goal of 145 so then said "good now you're done right?" and I said "no, 15 more pounds at least" with a look of horror on her face she said "I don't think you can afford to lose that much more weight". Lol, that would only make me 130 at 5'1.5" thats still chunkish I think. Then I went to Subway and my friend was working who I had not seen in about a month and she told me "You look particularly skinny today!" I was like "really? hmmm, thats what my mom said". Which got me to thinking, I must not be able to see how I've changed, I know body parts have changed I can tell but when I see it in the mirror I can just see room for improvement. Then my dads friend came over to the house and I was making my dinner the other night. My dad started to brag about how I've lost 40 pounds and his friend says "I bet you still want to lose another 20-30 pounds don't ya?" and I was like "yeah" and thinking "he must think I need to lose more than 15 obviously" and my dad chimed in "You will be all bones you better not lose that much more weight". I really don't get why they are thinking something is wrong. Then the other day my sister told me my dad had asked her if I throw up after I eat. Which I don't, but the fact that he is concerned makes me wonder what they are seeing that I don't see. I don't know, I still have pudge and flab and I can see it. But I get afraid that I will never be satisfied. Maybe we all go through it?

With all that said, thank you for giving me some where to post my thoughts too!

same here...

everyone i see have been telling me that 'you've lost weight', or 'you look skinnier' etc. my mum tells me all the time 'you better not lose any more weight or you'll be a pack of bones' and my brother (jokingly) asks me at random intervals whether i have 'turned bulimic' which is the most plausible explanation, seeing that i'm still eating (albeit less than usual).  the thing is, i'm trying to do the whole weight loss thing in as healthy a way as possible (not eating below an average of 1400cals/day in a week, exercising regularly but not excessively and so on). i notice that even so, the obsessive mindset has gradually but surely crept in... perhaps because of my personality disorders (i'm slightly obsessive compulsive, have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and i've recovered from bipolar depression (but it's still somewhat present, just very much mitigated) and this makes me prone to using weight/appearance as a guide to my self-image... and susceptible to thoughts of self harm, and i have to fight hard to resist the impulse to act upon them.) i actually scared myself yesterday when i was taken to a coffee shop for breakfast yesterday, and felt pressurized to order something. turns out, the only vegetarian option they had was (plain) white bread with margarine, so i had two slices (the minimum), toasted, with dollops of margarine lavished on top of it. i felt so utterly guilty after that i just broke down in the toilet and cried. I don't know exactly why, but i just felt that it was so terribly unhealthy, and an absolute waste of about 250 calories, i should have waited till i got home and made myself a PB sandwich with wholemeal bread which i would have enjoyed more and at least have contained some protein instead of fat fat and more fat....

after i recovered from the episode, i realized that the problem wasn't the horrible breakfast i had, but my attitude towards food, which had become corrupted. the worst thing is that i'm inconsistent about my attitudes towards weight and all (a result of my BPD) and i can't spot myself as being in an unhealthy frame of mind until i've snapped out of it. i don't know... is there a support group for people who are tending towards disordered eating, but want to prevent that from actually happening....?

lillysmominpa:  i don't think any female really sees exactly what she looks like when she looks in a mirror.