broken promises

My man is king of the benevolent promise.  He makes promises that he never keeps.  After being married for 20 years I have a long list of the promises he has made and not kept.  Worse yet he is an obstructionist.

For example - when we first got married I wanted a headboard.  He said he would make me one (he is a wood worker) but he didnt.  So I told him that I didnt need a handmade headboard and decided to buy one.  But he argued strenuously and flat out said no to the purchase.  Being a good wife I backed down and he promised yet again to make me a headboard.  After 10 years I gave up and made my own. I am not a wood worker and so the quality is poor and it is not the style I like - but I have a headboard.

But as I said the list is long - projects that he promised to help with but never can find the time to do.  We dont have trim on the doors and windows for example because he tore them all off promising to make new ones.  12 years later he never has.  Promises to go places and we dont.  Promises to do things that he does not. 

I dont want this post to be about my lists of complaints so I will cut to the chase.  Over the years I have tried to alter my thinking - I dont really "need" some of these things.  and I have tried to adopt the attitude that I can do the most important stuff myself.  I have tried to lower my expectations about it all.

But the truth is - sometimes I simply DO need him to help and I DO need somethings to get done with his cooperation.  Like the sky light leak.  It has been leaking for the past 2 years.  he has promised (again) to help get the fix done but though he bought the flash repair caulk, he has not yet done it.  He promised 2 weeks ago to do it last week but last week was too cold to do the job.  But now this week his best day will be today.  But I doubt it will get done.  He says he is no good at these things so I tell him we should hire someone.  But he refuses to do that too because he says we can not afford it.  I say maybe we can figure out how to do it from instructions on the net or call a friend and the excuses just pile up.  "I am too tired now" "I dont want to take advantage of so and so".  But we need to get it done and I despair that the roof will cave in because of neglect.

He has also promised to help me pick up a desk that my work is giving me.  I need his help to load and unload the desk. it is free and he likes free.  BUT I NEED a desk.  If I relieve him of his promise and decide to buy a desk that I can assemble myself he will scream at me about not wanting "crap" in his house.  Never mind that it will be in my studio and not even in "his" house at all.

The point is - after years of promises he has made and not kept (many of those promises were things he volunteered to do, not ones I begged for), I am full of anxiety that nothing will happen today.

But I can't live like this.  I am full of anxiety.  I cant change how I think on these things.  I have tried.  He stops me from just getting things done with arguments and pleas that we "cant afford that" and any other excuse.

He is at a friends right now.  He has promised me two things and neither will take long to do.  But if he does not help me I will feel betrayed and very dissapointed.  I want to just leave so that I never have to worry about this again.  But I dont have the money to divorce.  We are broke - but not so broke we cant take care of what we have.  Just too broke to divorce sanely.

I am full of anxiety about the disappointment to come.  Mind you these are not promises kept but kept late - these are promises that NEVER get done. 

I dont even want him to come home.  Its like living with a dog that chews everything.  You dread going home because you wonder what else the dog will have destroyed. 

It is impossible to paint the full picture in this post.  But I hope someone has some decent suggestions about what to do.  Thanks.

I'm sorry you have to live like this.  My husband is one of these types.  He can do it all cheaper, but he never wants to finish anything he starts.  I refused to marry him for a long time.  When we finally did marry, I found myself regretting settling.  I actually sat him down and had the "priorities" talk and told him I couldn't live like that anymore.  I pointed out how much I had lowered my standards for him and how much compromise had been on my end.  Only my end.  I then got really angry hearing myself say all of this and started crying and really let it out.  I remember it all started with this, "Sit there and look at me like I'm a nagging wife, that's fine.  They name streets after effers like you.  One way."  I started pointing out how bad he sucked as a husband and told him I come second to none and until he could recognize that...things were going to get expensive for him.  He had the option of 1. fixing the stuff himself 100%  2. paying someone to do it or 3. divorce and that included child support and alimony.  I let him decide which would be cheapest.  I was REALLY angry.  After I cooled off, I explained that I loved him dearly.  I just couldn't see lowering my standards any further.  Why have any at all if you are going to lower them all the time?  He had no answer to that.  He started helping out and finally started to see my point of view.  I can't imagine life without him.  He is my best friend but I have standards.

Every situation is different, so I can't possibly tell you what to do.  Just know it happens.  Good luck.  I hope everything works out for you.

Whatever it costs, nothing is more 'expensive' than living in a situation that constantly grinds you down.  Separation costs nothing.... self-respect is priceless....  go for it.

Call me nuts but when my husband stops helping me I stop helping him.  I don't cook for him.  I don't clean up after him.  I leave for hours to do my things and run my errands and I don't give a second thought to him being lonely sitting at home.  Keep in mind, before I do this I have already expressed my frustration and why this is going to happen.  If he expects anything from me, especially for me to be a happy and loving wife, he has to give back.  It's only fair.

2 quotes from Dear Abby:

Are you better off with him or without him?

Nobody can treat you like a doormat if you don't lie down.

Good luck!

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.  In my personal opinion, divorce is a big decision that you have to think about very very carefully. especially if you have been with your husband for 20 years. do you have kids?do they live with you ? 

please reconsider that decision until you calm down. you said that you are full of anxiety.. you need to relax first and then you can think about the next step. 

there is noone perfect. think about the bright side. does your husband have any good traits or qualities that you like?

I know you are upset now and I sorry. but you really need to think carefully before you make that decision.

I also agree with kfirth1

if he doesn't do what you want, don't do what he wants. before all of that, express your frustration first.

all the best to you. 

oh madamq - I feel your pain, I do.  And I sympathize.  It is awful to live this way.

   I have been with my "king" for over 25 years.  It has deteriorated beyond repair.

 I must say at least with a dog, there is hope. 

I am in a house with woodwork that was started in 1988.  Still unfinished.  The garage is falling down.  Everything needs paint/repair, etc.  The arguments are overwhelming.  He claims he cannot speak to me???  He is never home before 800 pm mon thru sat.  He makes me feel that  I am nothing because I "don't work." 

I wish I had something to help you.  Other than "hey, I know what you are going thru--you are not alone!  I would never recommend divorce unless it is to save  your life.  Perhaps some type of counseling?  At a church, maybe?

   I should take some of my own advice, and just go to counseling by myself.

  That's it!!  Go for YOU!!  Maybe together we can pretend they just aren't here and start living for us!!!  I am willing.  Good luck and take care.  ♥

  These types aren't easy to live with.

   ((((hugs))))  Hope everything gets better.

The very first thing and the only thing you should do right now is to insist that you and your husband to to marriage counseling.  Your feeling toward this matter has advanced beyond simple disappointment. If you treasure your marriage, act now. Insist that he goes, if he doesn't go by yourself. By going you'll get opinions from a professional who is better equipped to help you than us here. Plus by going you are sending him a signal that he must change.

I don't know if this will help at all, but every time you write about something your husband has done, a lot of other people tell similar stories.  I think he's like a lot of other guys out there. 

Are you okay with this?  Is he like everybody else, but not what you want?  I think you need to consider what your expectations are. 

Original Post by kfirth1:

Call me nuts but when my husband stops helping me I stop helping him.  I don't cook for him.  I don't clean up after him.  I leave for hours to do my things and run my errands and I don't give a second thought to him being lonely sitting at home.  Keep in mind, before I do this I have already expressed my frustration and why this is going to happen.  If he expects anything from me, especially for me to be a happy and loving wife, he has to give back.  It's only fair.

 I like this advice because it she explains why she's doing her actions.

I would copy and paste this post to your word program, edit it to the form of a letter and give it to your husband. Something he can't talk back to you about. It's honest and to the point and he may just get it.

If not, you have to do what you think is best.