Bulimia

A bit over a month ago I forced myself to throw up for the first time.

Now everything I've read on this says that in order to be classified as bulimic you have to do the whole self-induced vomiting or whatever else for three months or more... but this has gotten out of hand really fast. I do it every day, a lot of the time more then once.

My throat hurts most of the time, it looks like there are bruses under my eyes all the time, I'm always tired and really cold. The first week I burst a blood vessel in my eye and had to convince everyone I had no idea how it happened, after that I got better at it so that that didn't happen again. It scares me that I've improved my technique, it makes it that much harder to convince myself not to do it because its easier to do.

I try to eat healthy, and most of the time i do. It's just really hard living where I do. I lost a bunch of weight, went from 180 to 135ish, the proper way, heathy eating and exercise, but that's getting harder to do.

My sister constantly teases me about my 'rabbit' food and constantly tries to get me to eat junk food, she has a habit of buying cookies and stuff and giving them to me because she knows I have a hard time resisting them. She says she liked it better when I was fat, says I cooked better.

My mom always buys snacks that I like, no matter how many times I ask her not to. Whenever I get upset that she does this she just looks sad and says she was just trying to do something nice for me, which makes me feel like a jerk for getting mad. She also cooks a lot of really high fat stuff and whenever I say that I don't want any she tells me that 'a little butter won't hurt me', or something along those lines.

My mom also thinks I don't eat enough and has told me she is worried about me. The funny thing is that it is just the opposite, I eat too much I just hide it well. She brings me food sometimes when she cooks, even though I ask her not to, and that throws off my day. I eat what she brings me and that starts me binging. I'm not even sure what sparks the binging sometimes, I just eat something, anything, and just continue eating even if I'm not hungry anymore.

Every day I wake up and say to myself 'I won't throw up today.', but I almost always do.

I really want to stop, and every day its getting clearer to me that I can't do it by myself, but I don't know how to bring it up. I mean, how do you even bring this up? Next time my mom brings me unexpected food say 'Thanks, but just so you know, I'm going to be heaving over the toilet in about a half hour.'? No.

I just feel kind of stupid. I should be able to control my eating and not make myself vomit. I mean, I choose to do this every day, so I should be able to choose *not* to do it too. Right? Thing is, I just can't help it.

Hey,

I feel EXACTLY where you're coming from, every time I binge and purge I feel miserable afterwards, and its not like its ever worth it to eat such a ridiculous amount of food just to throw it away back down the toilet...I keep on telling myself that I can stop this problem on my own but I haven't been able to so far. I dont' really know what to do either....I am in such mental hell goddamnit. A lot of my problem too is that I know I'm underweight so I'll be like "oh, i SHOULD eat a lot because I should probably gain a few pounds." But then I end up feeling so incredibly guilty for eating...I end up eating even more and then throwing everything up. I only feel in control if I know exactly how much I am eating and if i can restrict it to 1000 calories or less a day. ****.

hmm...sorry this wasn't really helpful and just turned into my own rant.

I am proud of you for seeking help through this forum What a great 1st step. Please do talk to your mom or a trusted adult about what you are experiencing as you do need professional help. If you mom does not understand have her take you to a doctor that can explain it to her. You are brave and very smart to get help now b/c you know this is not good for you. People have so many crazy emotions tied to food that when you want to lose things can get crazy. My dad grew up so poor that he never got enough to eat. He overcompensates now by cooking enough bacon, eggs and biscuits to feed 100 to ensure we have enough. He takes you to dinner and everyone gets apps, salads and entrees. He is honestly showing lovr by saying I can provide food for you. A lot of American culturhinges on soothing hurt feelings with cookies and ice cream, Meals and eating are a part of everything, People are so uncomfortable when people eat differently than them, They are afraid if u get thin they will be alone, I do not tell people about the weight loss I tell them about the benefits and health benefits of eating veggies, fruit wholr graions. Tell them u eat that was b/c your body is your temple. Stay strong. Follow yout instinct to get professional help. You have been healthy before and u will again! Reach out if u need me. Best of luck, Sorry this is so hard

It's good that you've recognised this has become a problem but you've also recognised how quickly this has spun out of control. You need to first of all confide in someone you trust; trust me keeping this pent up will not be good for you. Secondly, you need to see your doctor. Although you've only started purging recently, you have to get yourself checked out in case you've done some damage. A therapist could most probably help you get to the bottom of this and hopefully stop it getting worse. Your doctor could refer you to one. A dietitian could also provide you with a healthy meal plan to prevent binging. All that's important right now is that you stop this getting even worse and that you get your health back on track. Good luck.

brembry, you say to talk to a trusted adult. The thing is, I am an adult, a young adult but an adult none the less. That just makes it all the more humiliating to bring up to her, or anyone else. Whenever I get to the point where I'm just going to blurt it out to someone I always start to worry that they are going to think i'm just looking for attention or something, then I just don't bring it up.

I really hope both you girls find the help you need before you seriously damage yourselves. Do what you have to do to get the help you need. Both of you are going to have to keep asking till you get help because you're the only one who can look out for you.

Good Luck!

Call someone, talk to someone now.

katonick-thanks, I'm definitely working on getting help for my issues.

Also, to the op, you mentioned that you dont' fit the definition of bulimia (as you haven't had these problems for at least 3 months) but honestly, what does a name matter? Either technically bulimia or not, it is most definitely a problem, so don't underestimate it. I mean, in 2 months it will technically be classified as bulimia so don't wait til then to do something about it.

Good luck to you!

If you're having trouble finding a way to bring it up to your mom, why don't you just print off this post and show it to her.  It's a very well written and heartfelt post - clear and gets the point across.  And it doesn't leave any room for misunderstanding.

Good luck!!! <3

Please seek help. Im not sure if your in high school or college but please see a counslor. And please speak to your mother. If your afraid that she wont understand then set a meeting up with a counslor or a doctor and you can speak together. I think she already knows something is wrong thats why shes trying to get you to eat. And to be honest a little butter doesnt hurt. Try practicing small meals. I know you've been reading up on bulimia but do you know all the dangers of it? I dont want to scare you much but you can rupture something next time you purge. It can happen at any time. Please seek professional help immediately. Its wonderful that you are already seeking support on here. You will do better when you have your family's support also. Good luck and be safe!

Regardless of your age you should not be ashamed...I know it is easier said than done but you really should not be. I gave all those examples about my dad and how americans eat to shed some light on the fact that whoever you confide in might not understand and might not react how you want them too; however, that should not deter you. Keep sharing until you find the right person to talk to that helps. I promise you that the sooner you start dealing with this the better. You will save yourself a whole host of physical and emotional ramifications. Good luck and know that there is nothing bad about you b/c you have this struggle...but do yourself a favor and share now. Get help!! Reach out when you need to. I am here for you.

Bulimia is not something to be embarrassed about. I have finally got over the shame feeling and have accepted that this is what I am dealing with right now. Nobody who knows loves me any less because of it.

The advice that others have given, to seek support and help, I agree with. I also suggest focusing on eating healthy and nourishing food rather than focusing on 'not throwing up'. Two weeks ago I decided to switch my focus and think about the positives of what I was eating, and have only purged twice since (instead of daily). I feel like I am really beating this for good for the first time in six months. It feels good!

I've been in exactly the same situation that you' ve described there - i'd tell myself each day that i wouldn't throw up but pretty much always ended up giving in. It was really stressing me out - I was always anxious I'd be found out so was essnetially avoiding family members around the house, dashing into the kitchen when it was empty, binge and then go straight to the toilet....

Anyway, one day I decided to tell my mum because I was in so deep I couldn't stop just of my own accord. Turned out she's had her suspicions but her reaction was fine - i don't know what i was expecting but she was calm and accepted it.

It was such a turning point because having told my mum I couldn't carry on as I had been before - and because I couldn't bear the thought of her catching me red-handed I just resisted. It stressed me out at first because I was so tempted to go binge on all the nice food in the house but it got easier.

If you don't want to tell anyone and think you can stick it out on your own, I suggest you be with people as much as possible - keep your mind from wandering which may lead to a binge.

I hope that was of some use - but I know it's a really hard situation to be in and i hope it works out

Nuts_n_bolts-

This is a really dangerous game you are playing with. Bulimia is so bad on your body, and causes you to only absorb the sugars you eat. I am sure you are wanting to fix this problem. You should really read this fantasic article by Emma Leigh  Part 1 http://www.flzine.com/anorexia-and-bulimia-al l-you-need-to-know-and-more-part-1/ 

Part 2 http://www.flzine.com/anorexia-and-bulimia-th e-side-effects/

It teaches so much about the disorder (and anorexia). I am so sorry that this is a problem you are dealing with, it is definitely something you need to fix now, before it gets further out of hand.

Update - two monthes later.

Not doing so good... a bit after the original post I found out that someone who I considered a really good friend was just jerking me around. Kept making plans, he kept not showing up or breaking them, then he just stopped talking to me, then he started again like nothing was wrong. **** him.

Thing is, he was the first person I told about this (out of two, the other one has **** off too) and he was all supportive and stuff, I told him it was easier to deal with with people around and he told me not to worry, that he wasn't going to just leave me to rot in my basement alone. Then he did and I think he kept stringing me along just to hurt me, and he KNEW what it would do to me.

Ended up in the emergency room with severe abdominal pain, severe as in me curled up on the floor sobbing in pain, really pale. Brought it up the the doctor after an ultrasound didn't show anything abnormal, he just stood there and told me everything I already knew and told me to make an appointment with my family doctor. I did and it was the most awkward conversation of my life. He just stood there and stared at me for a wile, asked me if I knew what I was doing to myself could kill me and told me to make another appointment in a months time to see if it was 'just the stress of school' that was making me do it.

It's not.

I don't think I will go back to him, when I do go back I want to talk to someone else.

Today I was doing so well, untill mum decided she didn't want to cook and wanted fried chicken. I asked her not to, told her I would cook but she still got the chicken. Even after telling her repeatedly not to get me anything, she got enough for me, then she kept asking me If I wanted some... and I just caved. Figured I'd already had deep fried chicken so I might as well have cheesecake, so I did.

I had a lot of cheesecake.

That was like two hours ago and I feel so sick right now, But I managed to not throw up.

I'm not sure wether or not I'm happy about that though.

Hey, everybody has a bad day. Don't feel too bad. And the fact that you didn't throw up is a great progress, isn't it?? So while eating junkfood may have been a small step back but your conscious effort to not throw up, I think, is a tremendous step forward.

Have you talked to your mom about this problem? Maybe she would be more understanding if she knew what you were going through. And maybe looking for a doctor who specialize in ED can help you better than your current one?

Good luck and keep us posted.

I'm glad you told your doctor; I'm sorry it took a trip to the hospital to get you there.

Re: your friends: it is really, really hard to watch a friend hurt themselves over and over again. And a lot of the time, if you try to reason with a friend going through shizz (abuse, drugs, ED, whatever) they lash back at you, make up excuses, then turn away, then expect you back as support the next day when they tell you horror stories again. There comes a point when the friend needs to step back for the sake of their own sanity. Your friend may not have been "stringing you along" - he may genuinely not have been able to watch you hurt yourself, with very little support from you in return.

Is there any way you can see a councilor? You could do with more support then a once-per-month doctor visit, I think. Trying to talk about your stress, and control through food, might help you feel less anxious.

Congrats on your recovery to date - we are proud of you. You can do this.

sent you a msg =)