Bulimia Recovery - Day 3 and trying to stay strong.

I'm 18 years old, 5'10'', and 162 pounds.  My goal weight is 145.  I've been struggling severely with bulimia for 2 years and today is my third day of not purging.  My first post was from earlier this morning, and as the day has gone on I've felt terribly guilty about what I ate last night.  I ate some fruit and a bowl of soup about 2 hours after I woke up (not really out of choice, but because my boyfriend has no food in his apartment, and i had to wait until we left).  I had also ordered half a sandwich but I stopped after one bite because I wanted to make up for what I ate last night.  It's now 4 hours later and I am really hungry again.  I just ate some sugar free pudding to tide me over, because there is absolutely nothing healthy in my house and I want to wait until my parents go grocery shopping.  The thing is, my mom has the appetite of a mouse.  She's 5'2'' and petite...my dad on the other hand, whom i get my height and appetite from is 6'2'' and well over 260 pounds.  He eats extremely unwell (his main diet is a protein shake and bread for breakfast, several PBJs at lunch, and almost always fried chicken at dinner....only to be followed by a cup and a half of chocolate ice cream. Every single night).  I have trigger foods all over my house, and as much as I've begged my parents to keep them out of site, they tell me I need to be stronger.  As much as I've told them I want to see somebody about my condition, they turn down the idea.  They don't understand what I'm going through. They day to day obsessions that are driving me crazy and keeping me unhappy.  They are right, and I really am the only one who can fix my problem...but it wouldn't hurt to have some help.  You know?

As of now, I would really truly love to reach my goal in a healthy fashion.  I want to eat between 1300-1600 cals a day, exercise regularily, and lose weight that way. Tomorrow I plan on starting another diet diary, and take it day by day when it comes to overcoming bulimia.  I've been spending hours on this site reading what others are going through, and their advice to me.  It's honestly what is keeping me going.

I'm so sorry your parents aren't being more supportive. I wish I had words for your disorder, but I have never been bulimic. Keep talking to your parents until they believe you. My parents didn't believe me until my sister was ready to drop dead. I'm still upset about that (even though this was many years ago and she's been fully recovered for many years now).

You should be proud of yourself that you realize you need medical help. Now make someone listen! Emergency rooms have to take you regardless if you can pay or not. There has to be free clinics by state or county (in the US). Maybe someone can help with this?

You're definately stronger thna I am. I was clean for about 4 days and then I slipped up. I don't have Bulimia, but I have EDNOS and used to purge a lot. I understand unsupportive parents as well (My mom just thinks I'm making it up for attention). Have you tried going to a school councilor (If you still attend school)? That's what I had to do in order to get a free once-over by a liscensed psychiatrist.

I wish I could help you out more, I know what you're going through and I know how hard it is. Stay strong!

Is there someone besides your parents who you could talk to? Maybe a teacher/coach you're close with? Or a friend's parent? Seems weird, I know, but if your parents are not being supportive even though you're obviously reaching out for help, it's time to look elsewhere to get what you need. In the end you'll be the better person for seeking help and it's only their loss for not helping when they could.

Stay strong! You're doing great!

i hope you are doing well! i am on day five of not bingeing, and i know how hard this is.

stay strong!

i think you should be proud of yourself, first of all, that you've come to a realization by yourself that you need help. You definitely have more courage than I did and it took my hesitant ex-bf to tell his mom to tell my parents about it. You've already done so well already by addressing the issue and having the DESIRE to get better. Bulimia is soo hard and I know that you don't want to have the feeling of having a full stomach or eating an actual meal. I can't stress how sorry I am that you'r parents aren't being more supportive; but I admire that you had the strength to tell them about your issues. What you need to do now, I think, is seek help on your own. Whether its through your school or doctor, you need to be independent if your parents wont understand- even though that must be hard enough to think about right now. good luck!

you are very brave to share this with us.  i wish you the best of luck and i hope your parents at some point understand that they're help would be appreciated.  Could you talk to a doctor or a counselor?  maybe they could give you some help or at the very least just be a support system. 

Thank you everybody with all your advice.  I talked to my mom about it again and she told me she'd help me in anyway she can, but she still didn't think that it was a good idea to have me go get help somewhere else.  Today is my 5th day without binging and purging.  When I get to urge to binge, I've been grabbing handfuls of blueberries instead of cartons of ice cream.  I'm feeling pretty good in terms of my condition, but I'm still very uncomfortable in my own skin. Recovering from bulimia while STILL trying to lose weight is going to be so hard for me, but I'm giving it my best effort. If anybody else is going through this situation, or anything similar, feel free to message me.  I spend a lot of time on this site...it's really what has kept me going these past 5 days.  And I know 5 days isn't a lot, but it's the longest I've gone in a long time.  Gotta start somewhere, right?  I'm thinking if/when I make it to day 7, I'm going to do something nice for myself.  Hopefully instead of taking it one day at a time, pretty soon I can take it one week at at time...then maybe even one month at a time.

I like your attitude and resolve!

All I can say is...

...you GO girl.  Seriously.  I got warm fuzzies reading your post, as weird as that seems.  Two years in and you've got the cahones and the forethought and self-awareness to say ENOUGH ALREADY.  I would give a limb to get back the 15+ years of my life I spent on this addiction---not to mention so much money I'm embarrassed.  Oh and a few teeth.

You should be so very proud of yourself, kid.  There will be times when you feel like not binging is an almost super-human effort, and you will be right.  I fully understand what it's like to have had an ED and now be trying to also lose weight, and it sucks.  There is no sweet way to put it.  That said, it's even more impossible for someone who spent 15+ years all but destroying her metabolism.  There IS still hope for yours, I promise.  One day at a time, really.  I hope you've not been doing this long enough to feel full with every bite you eat, but if you do, the best thing you can do is ride out the full feeling.  Get out of the house.  Go for a walk but do not bring a PENNY with you.  Throw on your Ipod and try to think about something else until you feel comfortable enough to go home. 

It blows being surrounded by trigger foods.  Most recovering ED folks (specifically bulimics) will tell you they are in complete control UNTIL they go to a restaurant or have food in the house for a party, etc.  As you live at home, you have to learn to adapt to this problem (easier said than done, right?).  It bums me out that your Mom is being inflexible about this.  I can tell you this much, possibly the ONLY thing my mother regrets about our relationship is that she listened to a "therapist" who told her (at age 15, year 2 of many, many more) my ED was a phase.  Your mother needs to understand that this disorder can (and pardon my dramatics, but it's true) KILL HER DAUGHTER.  Getting help from a professional is not just a good idea, it's critical to your success.  I'm not sure if they're embarrassed by your ED or what, but preventing you from getting the help you need is akin to assisting you in slowly making yourself incredibly ill physically, not to mention the havoc it's reeking with your head.   You CAN be stronger, but you damn well need some help to get there, and if you push ANY issue with your parents...it should be allowing you to seek counseling at least once a week.

And if you slip...well, it happens.  Hell, it still happens to me every so often.  You'll feel horrible and angry at yourself and ashamed...but I BEG you, don't succumb to the all or nothing thought process.  One slip does NOT give you permission to get back on the purging train.  Look at it like school...if you fail ONE test, does that mean you should say screw it to the rest of the school year?  This is a war and you will lose battles, but you have to get up and fight another day. 

Hang in there.  You're so awesome for making this step.  And you're a gorgeous, intelligent girl---don't waste that on this monster.

Original Post by bucketofglitter4:

Thank you everybody with all your advice.  I talked to my mom about it again and she told me she'd help me in anyway she can, but she still didn't think that it was a good idea to have me go get help somewhere else.  Today is my 5th day without binging and purging.  When I get to urge to binge, I've been grabbing handfuls of blueberries instead of cartons of ice cream.  I'm feeling pretty good in terms of my condition, but I'm still very uncomfortable in my own skin. Recovering from bulimia while STILL trying to lose weight is going to be so hard for me, but I'm giving it my best effort. If anybody else is going through this situation, or anything similar, feel free to message me.  I spend a lot of time on this site...it's really what has kept me going these past 5 days.  And I know 5 days isn't a lot, but it's the longest I've gone in a long time.  Gotta start somewhere, right?  I'm thinking if/when I make it to day 7, I'm going to do something nice for myself.  Hopefully instead of taking it one day at a time, pretty soon I can take it one week at at time...then maybe even one month at a time.

 HOLY CRAP i am sooo proud of u!!!! i totally understand the feelings of binging and purging. im a recovering anorexic with some bulimia behaviours. i always felt that there was something missing and that food was that thing to patch up the missing place but once i started i couldnt stop and the guilt that came with this. at 1st when i didnt know how to purge i would do like 5hours of excersise to punish myself for eating so much. but later when i did purge and after purging i dont feel hungry at all and a person on this site told me that once you binge ur stomach has already took all of the calories of ur binge so even if you o purge it wouldnt really work. that is why i gained weight when i started to binge/purge. but i definitly understand they feeling of the temptation to binge and then just purge if u ever need someone to talk to ill always be there xoxo

good luck!!

I hope you've not been doing this long enough to feel full with every bite you eat, but if you do, the best thing you can do is ride out the full feeling. 

 Luckily, that's not how I feel when I eat.  Sometimes I would think that I've actually stretched out my stomach from the binging that it took me even more food to feel full than it used to. Only when I eat soft foods like ice cream, or liquids like soup do I feel like it could easily come back up within a matter or bites.  I fought off some urges today by eating some more blueberries, but really just keeping trigger foods away is helping immensly.  I know that there's icecream in my fridge right now, but I'm not even going to look at it.  I intentionally put my box of sugar free popsicles in front of it so I would grab for those instead.  These past 5 days have been a struggle, but it honestly hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought.  Then again, I've made it a couple days before and then just thrown in the towel...but I'm SO determined this time.  It's just funny how backwards bulimia is.  For me, I always knew it wasn't helping me lose weight, and actually just helping me to gain it...but I couldn't stop.  And in an effort to love myself more by becoming skinnier, I hated myself every time I purged....so the whole thing is totally illogical.

Thank you guys so much.  You're really my motivation behind all this right now.

Original Post by bucketofglitter4:

It's just funny how backwards bulimia is. For me, I always knew it wasn't helping me lose weight, and actually just helping me to gain it...but I couldn't stop. And in an effort to love myself more by becoming skinnier, I hated myself every time I purged....so the whole thing is totally illogical.

 

You are one smart cookie, kid.  I wish I had come to that realization 2 years in.  Bulimia is awesome for weight loss.  For about 3 months.  Then you're not losing a DAMN thing, but you've gained an addiction and even lower self-esteem than you began with...along with the oh so fun health and cosmetic issues.  Ironic, isn't it?

Hang in there.  And even if your parents won't pay for counseling---find a group.  A local clinic.  Something.

You've got the tools to beat this, that much is crystal clear.  You just need someone objective to make sure you're using them.