Burnout

I've been trying to gain weight for four months and only succeeded in losing seven pounds and then staying at a BMI of 17.3 (not super-severe as compared to others I've read about, but not a good BMI either) for the next three months. I've pushed my calories all the way up to 3500+ occasionally, and I haven't gained anything. I haven't lost anything more either, which is good, but I'm completely frustrated at my inability to gain.

And I'm tired of trying. I've spent so long diligently counting every calorie, and forcing food down myself no matter how sick or not hungry I feel, and my whole life has been consumed with trying to get enough calories and trying to get enough food, morning to night, and it's exhausting and I'm just tired of it all and I'm burning out. I can't seem to be motivated anymore. I just don't even care if I lose more weight. I'm sick to death of eating.

I've been really sliding badly the past few weeks. On days when I eat grilled cheese sandwiches I manage to at least attain minimum maintanance level, calorie-wise. But on other days sometimes I only have 500-900 calories and I just don't have the energy or the will to force myself to eat more.

How do I get through this slump? I know all I'm going to do is set myself back, but I'm past caring. I have so little energy that I constantly have to take naps, and I sleep for hours, which frustrates me, because when I'm not awake, I'm also not eating. Sometimes I feel like death is close (which is irrational since I'm not at a low enough BMI to die yet), but I'm too tired to care. Of course I care and I want to live and I want to be healthy again but I've just tried so hard and gotten nowhere and I just don't feel like trying anymore. Somebody please encourage me! I don't want to be like this. I'm not depressed, I'm just burned out, and the lack of food is causing severe lack of energy which causes me to eat less which causes me to have less energy, it's just a vicious cycle...

It's okay. Relax for a moment.

A key thing my old GP told me was this: relapse can be an inevitable part of recovery. What brings us up is to lift ourselves back out of that can get back on the road. No one said this was going to be easy, so don't expect it to be. You can struggle.

You've indentified your problem. A lack of energy due to an extreme lack of food resulting in a miserable cycle. To break it, you're going to have to do the one thing that will give you that energy back and that is eating more. Is your trouble that you are sick of food full stop, or having to eat regularly? Is it the stress of preparation, or planning? Do you feel your life is being taken over by eating?

If it is that you are tired of having to eat regularly, tired of planning or tired of preparation: make your schedule so you only have to eat six times a day, maximum, and stick to it. Being loyal to your schedule means you won't need to throw in extra snacks and what have you thus making eating a chore.

Write out a week of meals at a time. Cook a large crockpot dish of a weekend or evening to help cover some of those meals and make yourself a dense bread or bar batch or two to make some of your snacks. Prepare trail mix to carry through the week. You can do this in the space of a couple of evenings - even a day, if you're dedicated to getting it out of the way.

If food bores you, have fun with it! Get your hands messy and bake or mix up something gooey and fun. Make a pizza, indulge in some finger foods or put together food you haven't eaten since you were younger. Sometimes, nostalgia and putting a twist on old classics can shake up what can otherwise be a rut.

Smoothies and shakes are good when you just feel you literally cannot fork another morsel into your mouth. They can be made very dense, very fast.

Are you working with a team at all? Sit down with your doctor and be honest, they're not going to berate you for finding it difficult. But you do have to get your calories up again, or the cycle you're expressing stress over will go around and around. I have these moments too and sometimes I really just have to remind myself what recovery will bring me. Food is our medicine, in this case. And no person on a medication to better their health would sensibly skip out on it - so neither can we.

I'm sorry you're having a down period, but you can beat this! I hope you feel better and work yourself out of it soon. If you have anything else you want to ask, please let me know. :]