Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

I posted this in my journal also but I am really at my wits end about this and I just don't know what to do. So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and he proposed to me in March of last year. We set a date to get married in March of 2009 so we would have enough time to save for the wedding. We also moved in together in May. So, the other day I said to him (just to see what he would say) "Why don't we just get married now? We don't need to have a big wedding we could use that money for something else." To which his reply was "Maybe in a few years." Then I was like "In a few years? I thought we planned for March of 09?" Anyhow, so now he's telling me he doesn't know if he's ready and he feels like I'm pressuring him. Well, he already proposed! If he wasn't ready to get married he shouldn't have proposed! We got into a huge fight about it and he just told me we'll get married in March of 2009 like we originally planned.  So, now I feel like maybe we shouldn't have moved in together because I feel like he's comfortable now and doesn't feel the need for marriage. So, what should I do? Should I just never bring up the topic again and wait until March of 2009 to see what happens? Should we not live together until we're married? I just feel so stuck like my relationship isn't really going anywhere. Hell, I don't feel like my life is going anywhere, because my job isn't going anywhere either! I'm sorry for the rant but I really just don't know what to do. I feel like he lied to me and I'm feeling rejected and hurt.

I think you should have a nice long talk with the BF and make sure you are on the same page, if not it may be time to re-evaluate your position in this relationship

Ironically I am kind of in the position your fiancee is. We got engaged last year and we plan for Nov 09. I really have been getting pressure to PLAN it but it's almost two years off so I am not into it. We have PLENTY of other things to deal with first. But I would also NOT just go down to get married just to get it over with.

 

That being said, you don't wait till march 09, you being planning THIS march to do this.

Honestly, living together before marriage if you aren't against it morally is a wonderful thing. You can work out your living issues like who does what and seeing if personal habits are really compatible which you don't get by spending the night a few days a week.

Hopefully he will make good on his commitment to you. If not, I will be in Orlando next month and I can set him straight for ya! :p

I agree that living together, if there's no moral/religious issues with it is a wonderful thing. You get a feel for if you can actually live in the same house together and work out the issues that inevitably occur. Everyone has some sort of issue with living with someone.. even something as silly as whether the toilet seat goes up or down when you're done.

I agree that I'd make sure he's really cool with March of '09.

For us.. we got engaged in August of 06, but didn't really start nailing much into place until late May.. we started slow took our time and now.. five months in (We're getting married 5/31), we're still more or less on track, on schedule and will get it all done.

This early in.. over a year before the date... it may not feel real to him.

So.. here's my suggestion. Start planning the simple stuff. Start figuring out WHERE you want the wedding. Maybe book a place. If you're looking for March of '09. you should have a place booked by March of '08. At least YOUR wedding (unlike mine) will be off-season so you'll have a better chance of getting the place and date you want.

Also... start figuring out your bridal party. Who'll stand for you? Who'll stand for him? See if you can get him involved in this conversation.

Also... start deciding how you want the wedding to look and feel. Do you want traditional? Do you want formal? Do you NEED to have it in a big church or a local hall or a garden? See if you can get his input on that as well. 

Alot of guys aren't interested in the details of the wedding. If that's the case with your guy.. get busy and make it happen. :) 

See, that's the thing I don't want to start planning anything if he's not ready. Then he'll REALLY feel pressured! I almost feel like I should do/say nothing until HE does!

nani, if you did any pressuring on him at all it could of been the reason he proposed in the first place....just to shut you up so to speak. I dont know your situation but if he really isnt ready to get married than I wouldnt start planning for one. I would have a huge talk with him again asap! just like the first poster said. If he really isnt ready and he does indeed marry you it could end up being the marriage from hell and a very quicky divorce.

Original Post by lilborykuamami:

 I almost feel like I should do/say nothing until HE does!

But if he feels the same way, then the conversation will never happen.   Maybe he felt a little pressured because he was already mentally prepared for March 09, and springing a new date threw him off a bit.  It sounds like the two of you need to at least have a conversation about your feelings.

If you're comfortable, you could try to confirm the March 09 timeframe with him, and then, casually, get ideas from him on what kind of wedding he wants to have with you.  My hubby and I planned our wedding in 6 months, but it would have been a lot less stressful if we had a little more time.

As for your job, depending on the issues you're dealing with, you might want to consider some career counseling - I have friends who say it helped them out immensely when they found themselves in a rut.

Good luck!

Original Post by angiethe1_2005:

nani, if you did any pressuring on him at all it could of been the reason he proposed in the first place....just to shut you up so to speak.

 

I didn't pressure him to propose that's why I'm so hurt, this came out of left field on me!

Hey Nani!

I would definitely sit down with him and try to figure out exactly where he is. Obviously, like you said, you don't want to plan a wedding if it's not gonna happen. But if he is ready for March 09 you're gonna have to start planning soon. :)

Good Luck!

Nani you said yourself your having difficulities at your job and im sure obvious stress. Could this possibly be his reasonsing also for not wanting to get married so soon? I mean it could be the fact you guys are both stressed out and are in crappy jobs and maybe he wants more for you and him when you are married. Im just throwing that out there.

Good Luck!

I don't know that is a possibility but shouldn't marriage be about love not how much you make?

Yes Nani Love is a huge part but for a man and his pride they are 2 different things. men want to provide a great life for their wives and if he is depressed and feeling like crap about himself or his job he might just be feeling useless right now and it could have nothing to do with you.

Original Post by lilborykuamami:

I don't know that is a possibility but shouldn't marriage be about love not how much you make?

Most people love to say this, but quite honestly, sometimes "love is all  you need" is not a realistic answer.  I read somewhere that a good deal of marital problems are caused, directly and indirectly, by strained finances.  Not saying that's the case here, but in any case, you need to have an open an honest conversation with him to clear the air, and make sure you understand each other.

Uncertainty in a relationship is only compounded when there's no communication.

I agree with pp - most guys just want to know when they need to show up and where, what is there to drink and when do we eat....other than those details a lot of guys would rather re-organize their sock drawer than plan a wedding ;p

My FI and I have been engaged since December 2004, and we are getting married August '08. We didn't decide when we were going to have our ceremony until last summer even though we have been living together since October 2005.

{we've lived together for a few months off and on since meeting in November 2002, and also maintained a long-distance relationship for about a year - he moved but I couldn't come with him until later due to family obligations - Just a little background :) }

We waited for so long between our engagement for a lot of reasons - so we could save up to have the wedding celebration we want,and we wanted to be sure that we were in a place in our lives where we felt we were honestly mature enough to understand the depth of the commitment we make to eachother, and to really be able to handle the ups and downs of sharing a life with someone.

That said, once he proposed and I said yes, we had made a commitment to eachother to prepare to spend the rest of our lives loving eachother and growing together - and the preparing part is where a long engagement can be a blessing.

A marriage means a lot more than just an amazing dress and a great party, and there is a lot more to prepare for than just what to serve at the reception and where to spend the honeymoon. Where do you see your life going in the future? What about your Fiance? Have you talked about goals as individuals, and as a couple? What about kids - do you want them? Does he? How many? When? Do you see yourself living in the same area 5 years from now - are you looking to settle down or do you want to explore the country - or even the world? Does he? These are just a few things that may be in the back of your Fiance's head {any maybe yours, too} and he may just want to wait until he feels more ready - more stable in his career, who he is as a person, or whatever defines "ready" for him.

One of the biggest assets I have found in maintaing my relationship with my Fiance so far has been patience.  Relax, enjoy him and the relationship as it is - you two do enjoy eachother's company, right?  ;) , know that in proposing to you he DOES want to spend the rest of his life loving you and wants to work on building a life with you - and if you are having a "wedding" jones, grab a couple of your girls and go try on some dresses, research reception venues, look for cake designs you like - you have a TON of time to really work out the details, enjoy it!!

Sorry, I know that was a long one, I guess I had a lot to say :) hopefully it was helpful.     

tygrkat, thanks for the reply, that's basically what my close friend was telling me when I called her last night to talk about it. I guess I should enjoy my relationship where it is now and not stress so much the future. I'm going to try and talk to him tonigh without getting upset. I just find it hard to talk about my feelings without getting upset or crying.

You're welcome :) and I wouldn't worry too much about getting upset when you are talking to him tonight - it's a passionate, sensitive topic and if you didn't get emotional about it, it would be a little off IMO - I get all teary thinking about my wedding all the time - I am DEFINITELY going for waterproof make-up ;)

Eh, why rush the wedding?  I've been arguing with myself to not run down to the courthouse and get the paperwork done and over with rather than waiting until May to finally say my I Do's.  Sure it'd save us a few hundred dollars on wedding expenses, I wouldn't have to suffer through the awkwardness of dealing with his mother, the pressure would be off completely, and we'd start getting in better positions financially.

But honestly, how many more times in life do you plan on being engaged?  Alex proposed to me in May of 07.  We'll be married in May of 08.  One year will be long enough for me to experience being a fiance.  What about you? ;]

Yes one year would be good, but it will be 2 years by the time we get married.

Living together before you get married is good!!!!  You're all kidding right!!!!  Check out the statistics on that one.  Your changes of having a marriage that actually lasts if you've lived together before marriage goes way down.   The difference between marriage and living together is one thing - commitment.  If not, why not just get married.  He's just not committed to you.  I don't know how old you are.  If your young and have lots of time to waste then continue to play with each other for a while.  Just don't kid yourself that this is your life partner.

I think living together before marriage is a good thing. It worked for me! I'm so sick of statistics about everything, who cares what the hell the statistics say, do what you feel is right

Why can't you wait the two years?  Is it pure excitement or is there something else?  That was another thing I told myself a lot, why rush getting married?  Alex and I haven't been together long at all, so not rushing on getting married is a good thing for us.  We're getting all of our problems worked out before we tie the knot and won't have a bunch of arguments later to stress a marriage and threaten a divorce.

If you're going to spend the rest of your lives together anyway, what's two years before you walk down the aisle.