he calls me dumpy n chunky :0(

My boyf has started callin me dumpy n chunky n makin fat jokes, he knows it upsets me, well bothers me but he just laughs n says come here im only jokin, u know im jokin n gives me a cuddle.  to be honest i think he is jokin but i think its his way of sayin ur puttin em bk on love.

it just upsets me specially when he knows im tryin n altho ive had quite a rocky last few weeks, i lost 11lb n have put 6lb bk on, im back on track n have no hols or weekends away etc to tka eme off track in my early days.

i just dont get why he does it, i start to not wanna eat anythin with calories n burn burn burn at the gym, then i think dnt be daft do it properly.  but hes known me for 6yrs so he knows all my sturggles wi weight n food etc, he calls me stupid wen i get upset about it, hes like u know im jokin dnt be so touchy!

course sometimes this makes me feel really crap so i end up avin a bing en then feel even worse about myself!

he just makes fat jokes constantly at the minute n i dont get why he finds it so funny knowing how it makes me feel deep down.

Worst thing is when i lose weight n get really into it he moans like hell n gets so insecure n starts offering me all the fatty foods under the sun, yet when im bit bigger he clearly doesnt like it n tries to tell me i shudnt eat this n i shudnt eat that.

i dunno, i just feel really mad n pissed off!  on the good side i had a long word with myself last night n decided the only way to do this, for myself, is to stop being so ridiculous with my portions n get bk to the gym, been a week, n eat healthier basically.

im gonna do it properly n il **** show him, when he starts gettin insecure im gonna make jokes n tell him to not be so touchy!  (I probably wont do that but im just so mad right now lol) I dont like to mess wi ppls feelins n he is quite an insecure person so yano, but i mean i feel like this isnt for me anymore like ive gotta find some common 'weight' thatl keep him and  me happy.  that will never happen lol.

anyone else been through this, ???

why do guys think its funny??

"Guys" (i.e. men in general) don't think it's funny when their partner wants to adopt a healthier lifestyle and don't deliberately upset them.  Insecure stupid & bullying guys do, on the other hand. 

Be straight with this person.  Tell them to their face in unequivocal terms that if they don't stop with the childish behaviour you're going to pack their bags.  Seriously.... 'love is....' NOT passing out insults and being a control freak.  He hates it when you're fat, he hates it when you're slim.  He doesn't like you very much either way, does he?  This is not the action of a rational loving person  - this is an insecure man trying to compensate for his own inadequacies by keeping you under the thumb with emotional bullying.  Does he like you going out with girlfriends?  Does he get jealous if you talk to other men?  Does he try to curb your ambitions in other areas? Make fun of your dreams?....  Wouldn't be surprised.

Stay angry ... it's better for your self-esteem than being a doormat.

Yes, lose weight for yourself.  Don't make a big deal of it in front of him, just get on with it quietly in your own time.  If he objects to your healthy lifestyle or getting slimmer I don't think you should tell him not to be so touchy... I think you should be a lot more assertive and, yes, 'mess with his feelings' the way he seems to revel in messing with yours.   Either he shuts up, he leaves or you leave... 

Does he like you going out with girlfriends?  Does he get jealous if you talk to other men?  Does he try to curb your ambitions in other areas? Make fun of your dreams?....

Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He does all of these!!  oh my god!!

Then you've got a nasty little emotional bully for a boyfriend and the weight-loss comments are the tip of a potentially destructive iceberg.  I was (briefly) married to a man like that once.  Made the crass mistake of thinking his jealousy and other childish antics were just because he loved me so much..... (What an idiot I was) He was also majorly insecure in his own right - just like your man.   Sapped the life out of me for several years and almost destroyed my self-esteem in the process. 

I've since had lots of time to think about how these men operate.  They do the 'good cop, bad cop' routine on an emotional level.  One  minute upsetting you, calling you fat/ugly/stupid, getting angry because you were talking to another man, for wanting to follow your dreams, making you feel unwanted ..... the next minute making you feel guilty for getting cross (as you were in the first post), saying it was all a big joke, that they love you, that they can't live without you because they need you to help with all their problems (whine, whine, whine).  It's a systematic, drip-drip technique and you don't notice it's happening until someone points it out.....

So don't fall into the trap of the emotional bully. When I eventually turned on mine and refused to be a doormat any more he responded by finding a new woman and moving out....  Poor cow!  

People who knowingly hurt others are quite simply abusive, and its especially bad coming from someone who claims to love you.  I whole-heartedly agree with GI-Jane, this is the sort of situation that can get nasty; if he's controlling you and making you feel horrible about yourself, then I can't help feeling it's not a fantastic dynamic, because you seem profoundly unhappy.  Do you spend a lot of nights feeling this way? 

I personally think life is too short to spend it around miserable people.

But congratulations for getting back on track; do this for yourself and no one else, and know that you're making a positive decision for your own physical health. 

And perhaps it would also be good to introspect and find what positive things you can do for your emotional health too.  :)

i could cry reading this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ive only just put a deposit down on a house to move in with him, renting!!!!

my moms said this all along n i swear i knew best.

noones ever rang so true though, hes told me im a dreamer n live in a dream world, im a child for thinkin these things are possible etc etc.

my self esteem is nothin how it was n the 'friends' i had i was told theyre all perverts n sick n see me as a sex object n only wanna talk to me cuz they wanna sh4g me etc.  stupidly i was 19 n kindas felt overpowered completely by him so i did kind of adapt.  however i am now 22 n av always had a quite strong character and altho abolut a 3rd of its capacity n a little battered im still in here sumwhere.  ive had a massive struggle with him but always clung on to the fact that he loves me sooooo much n thats why hes the way he is!

i dnt doubt he loves me, but in all the wrong ways!

weve split up n got bk together several times, ive always felt sorry for him n given him another chance!

i cnt believe my ears!

i feel like the air has been taken out of my lungs, i just wanna cry!!

I've been with one of these kind of men as well.  It turned abusive.  I was overweight and insecure at the time so I kept putting up with him.  It's not a good situation to be in especially if you can see the warning signs now.  There are so many better men out there.  You deserve better for sure.

Congratulations on deciding to get healthy, GO YOU!!

Emotional bullies always get the second and third chances.  That's part of the drip-drip technique.  They gradually make unacceptable behaviour seem somehow normal and acceptable.  They make you feel sorry for them.  And they make you feel that you're the mean one for getting annoyed and that you owe it to them to make it up, be the peacemaker.  Because your self-esteem is so low you're probably grateful when it's all smoothed out again and you're back in his good books.... classic

Someone who genuinely loves you brings out the best in you and makes you happy.  Makes you feel confident & secure.   They don't have to say 'I love you' every five minutes in an effort to convince themselves. (Another guess)  They support your dreams and they comfort you when things go wrong.  They put their own needs on hold occasionally to help you out.  That's love...

Listen to your mom because chances are she is the one person guaranteed to love you unconditionally.  Ask her about her concerns because quite often, moms can see things we can't or don't want to.  Seek out some of your old friends and go out with them this weekend.  Moving in together?  - so what if you lose a deposit?  Put some distance between you and then you'll see things more clearly.

Nutbox – Oh I wish I could give you a big hug!! Don’t upset yourself (easier said than done I know)

You be strong and hold your head up high – you have something no bullying other half will have – You! Keep on trying to lose weight and never be put off by what any one ever has to say, I worked so hard (admittedly I’ve put some back on) and felt so negative when my so called friends where saying ‘oh you look ill or ‘oh I think you have lost to much’. I have to admit my hubby wasn’t over joyed either but he took me as I was happy not how he wanted me – That is the response you what from BF if he can’t handle you losing weight then it’s him who is lacking in self-confidence

Good Luck and chin up duck ( duck – what everyone calls everyone in Stoke on Trent like hun or love elsewhere lol) - Ange x

not losing the deposit that worries me, he wud absolutely flip out!!!!!!!!!

Because your self-esteem is so low you're probably grateful when it's all smoothed out again and you're back in his good books.... classic

very true, sometimes ive been so so truly desperate just for him to be back in a good mood that il say or agree to whatever he wants to hear just so he cheers up n stops shoutin, even though in my head i know that really it isnt me thats doen anythin wrong!

These things havent happened for quite a while though, been few months since anythings gone funny n weve been gettin on alot better than ever really.  he still has his bad moods n blames everythin on me but on a much smaller scale.  i cant help but thinkin that 'i wont know until i try' kinda thing.  my mom is very against me movin in, she was heartbroken but this is what i told her, i wont know unless i try n its only 6mnths, it cud work out for the best???

she doesnt think so she says he'l still be the same person.  i dunno we cud be different cudnt we?

i cant believe this is happenin i was so scared to start n now this, i dunno feels like evrythings n everyone is tellin me not to.

im really worried n scared now

There's a saying that leopards don't change their spots which is what your mom's trying to tell you.   You seem like a nice girl and  the 'we cud be different cudnt we' and 'it cud work out for the best' reflects your optimistic nature.... you want to see the best in people.  That's a lovely personality trait to have.  Your boyfriend may have stopped some of his worst antics for a few months so that you still agree to move in.... although your original post was about him upsetting you by calling you fat and criticising your attempts to lose weight.  That's only going to get worse when you live together.

Don't be scared or worried but do try to assess the situation rationally with your head rather than your heart.   There are always choices and we can't avoid making bad ones from time to time.  But if the only reason you're moving in is because you're worried he'll 'flip out' that doesn't sound particularly positive. 

ANGE72

i live near rugeley, not far eh

thanks for what uv said, its just bit of a omg moment n i kinda thought it was me n now ive worked on things were gettin on better kinda thing

im just totally confused now

no i did want to aswell, thanks by the way!  ot often i hear good things n then i always get embarassed n cry lol

but i did wanna go for it n try it out n i was thinkin it cud make us happier n cud be a lovely littel home.  now i just feel that everyones right n its gonna be hell, my moms described it as being trapped, thats so scary for me to think about!

maybe it wont go ahead, maybe things will go wrong to stop us, who knows. im so confused, i dunno wts for the best.  i feel like i dont even wanna talk to him again at the minute

I have to agree with GI Jane. 

If you have any shred of doubt - do not move in with him.  Once your finances are mixed with his it will be even harder to keep an even keel.  There will be another way to take control of you.

There IS someone else out there for you my dear. 

Feeling sorry for someone is not a good enough reason to stay with him.  And I worry too because you mention how mad he will be if you lose your deposit.  That comment sounded like you fear him.  You should never ever ever ever ever fear the one who claims to love you.

Your man is a clown.  There is no need to save him as he wont appreciate it anyway.  He hasn't so far and has no reason to now.  So long as what he does produces the result he wants (keeping you topsy turvy so you dont leave), he will continue. 

Get out now.  Please.

I totally agree with gi jane and the other posters. I have also been in an abusive relationship (physically and emotionally). Everything you are saying takes me back to when I was in a similar desperate situation.

My advice: get out while you can. You deserve so much better. Oh yeah he'll probably tell you that nobody else will want you or nobody will love you like he does. Not true. All he wants to do is wear you down until your self esteem is on the floor and you become his obedient little pet. You deserve SO much better.

I have been the gf at the end of those comments...actually I was the wife at the end of those comments. What I found in my experience was that the fat jokes along with worse, are more about control. keeping you in line by keeping your self-esteem in the dumpster so that the small man can feel good about himself. After 9 years of marriage, I found out that I never need to be treated that way...and bad thing...I lost 9 years of my life I can never get back and I have a child to prove it. The absolute best thing you can do is drop his puny ass because enough will never ever be enough and it will always hurt. It is a form of mental abuse that you are so caught up in that you think you need him but let me tell you getting rid of mine was the best thing I've ever done for mysel and I think you need to follow suit. There will be NO common weight that will keep him and you happy because again, it isn't about the weight it is about control and keeping you small. My ex learned that from his dad....perhaps yours has a dad that keeps his mom small too. They don't want you finding their vulnerabilities so they keep you focused on yourself and if weight ever becomes a non-issue it will be something else about your character that he can get to you with like your intelligence or morals something that keeps you trying to be someone else. And after all my strife and all the times I wanted to be thinner or red-headed or make more money (and even wanting to die because I couldn't make him happy).....my ex finally admits to me that he never loved me the way he should have (talk about the ultimate hurt)....don't let yourself be the victim that I have been. Get out and let him find Ms perfect that will put up with his ass you need more for yourself than this scum no matter how much you love him and I know you do because it wouldn't hurt if you didn't.

Hey Girl,

It sounds to me like you're a people pleaser... It simpler to just ride the wave, than to be the one to rock the boat? You just keep letting things progress to the next level, because you don't want to upset anyone?

I went thru the same thing you are and like you, my mother told me not to move in with him. She was giving advice from experience, she had gone thru the same thing, and had ended up in a physically abusive marriage.

But of course, I didn't listen, because my BF didn't hit me, it was different, and I could change him right?

 I gave up my best friend because he didn't think she was good for me. I went thru 3yrs of living under his thumb, because once you move in, it's really hard to move back out. There's always something stopping you. We got married (eeek!) and within the year, I caught him in bed with my Maid of Honor, yes, you read that right... Remember, I had to give up my BEST friend, so this was the girl that he deemed to be a better fit for me, hmmm... Maybe a better fit for him?

Anyway, that was it for me, I was outta there, but I have heard of a lot of women who "forgive" and stay because it's too hard to leave only to go thru the same horrible cycles over and over.

Happy to say that my BFF and I ran into each other about 5 yrs later, after I was engaged to my current husband, she forgave my stupidity , and stood beside me at my 2nd wedding. Now our 2 families are inseperable. 

As a fellow people pleaser, I'm telling you, ROCK THE BOAT NOW! I know it's hard, but it's a lot easier to jump out of a sinking row boat, than to try to survive the Titanic later.

Hang in there girl! And remember, the only person you really need to "please", is YOU!

well larienkoci ur right thinkin about it, because he used to say i drank too much n i got called all names under the sun n it was a huge issue we split up over it etc until eventually i stopped goin out as much n therefore drank a hell of alot less.  now its this, n inbetween it was money, i struggled for bout 6months gettin a job n that was like pure torture, at 1 point i was too scared to tell him id lost 1 job so i set my alarm as usual but i broke down n ended up havin to tell him, he was surprisingly supportive for that day!

maybe there will always be something.  u have no idea how hard this is to take in!  i mean uve never met him but it seems to be relevant on so many levels.

ur right tho i do love him, n wen i think about all the nice cute things he does i get such awful guilt about even these posts n feel i shud just delet em all! i feel a hypocrit, one minute im totally wrapped up in his overwhelming love n im sooo happy the next im distraught n dnt know how or if i can end it etc.

makenasmom It simpler to just ride the wave, than to be the one to rock the boat? You just keep letting things progress to the next level, because you don't want to upset anyone?

this was the sole reason i got back with him the last time we split up, its just easier than puttin up with the threats n the houndin n the constant constant suffocation of him.

im totally terrified now, terrified that if i do this il never be me, il lose my life n mostly il let my mom down!!! that bothers me!

i dunno whats the best now, i mean u dont kow him granted but then alot of wt u said is true n does ring alarm bells.

im confused n honestly really quite upset!

it seems so difficult n id just got past the stage of plannin how to ended n had decided to giv us a proper shot n move forward....hence agreein to move in!

im just lost now, totally  :0(

Original Post by nutbox:

im just lost now, totally  :0(

You're not lost but you need to think about all the comments here.  I don't suppose you thought this was how your original post would get answered and you were hoping for some 'oh yeah, my bloke's just the same, what jerks, eh?'.  It's easy for us armchair agony aunts to dispense advice but we all know that when you're in the thick of it, it's often not quite so simple. 

I'd suggest you take some time out, maybe talk to your mother, spend time with friends and create some space for yourself.  If you can get away to a different location, that would be ideal.  Don't talk to your boyfriend for a while so that he's not influencing you any more than necessary.  Really think things over and decide what's best for you and you alone

You may well decide that you want to continue with the path you originally intended.  And if you go into it with your eyes wide open more alert for signs of what everyone's been talking about then maybe you're in a better position than if you'd never posted.   But have an 'exit strategy', just in case.  For example, keep your independence by retaining your own bank accounts rather than a joint account (which can be used to control you).   You may well decide that you will risk him 'flipping out' and that you're going to pursue your life in a different direction.  Again, have a gameplan for that eventuality.  Know where you're going and what you'll be doing....  Mum would be very supportive, I feel.

Moving in with someone.... even if they're the sweetest person on earth... is a major commitment and it deserves a lot of careful thought before you make the leap.  If you have any doubts, simply don't do it.  You're young and the opportunity will always come around again.

My EX boyfriend use to call me thunder theighs and he told me "You'd be hot if you lost some weight"   When my brother heard him talk like that he asked him what he was thinking...and he said that he would never say anything like that to his gf.

We went through a rocky time in our relationship where we kept breaking up and getting back together...during one of the breakups I lost almost 20 pounds and when we got back together he told me that he couldn't tell.  What an ****.

Breaking up with him was the best decision I ever made.

I actually started admitting to myself that I had doubts all along, and regardless of how good he made me feel sometimes, he also made me feel awful about myself.

You need to find a weight that makes YOU happy, no one else.  And believe me, there is someone out there that will appreciate and love you no matter what you weigh. 

thing is GI Jane if i distnced myself he'd notice n go mad well worry, as in if i dont reply to a text he texts me again askin whats up n what goin etc n to be honest we both seem to have fallen into that kind of trap.  if he doesnt reply to me or answer the phone i panic thinkin where is he whats he doin whos he with have i done anythin why is he ignorin me etc etc.

i dont see him really in the week its just weekends, been like that from word go really because of shift patterns etc.

he does compliment me n tell me i look good wen i lose weight n that or if i get dressed up.  he isnt horrible all the time n i dnt know even  if he says or does it intentionally, i mean wt if he just does think its funny?

i dont wanna waste my life, i feel i already have tho really, thats awful to say aint it oh god!

maybe i shud stop typin, i love him he loves me we cud be fine right? god i hope so, hes puttin all his blood n sweat into us gettin this house, hes obsessed by it! i just want it to work out, all i really want is to be me n to be happy !