I Came Here Looking for Cameraderie and Inspiration, But...

To be fair, there is a lot of it, but so many of the posts I've seen are so depressing...

There was the one guy who couldn't warn of the dangers of diet soda without a haughty, insulting attitude toward anyone with a weight problem - okay, whatever...

But the most disturbing posts, in addition to all the starving, thin teen girls, is the posts of obsessiveness with achieving this media-created artificial ideal of rock-hard abs and not an ounce of fat anywhere on the body.

I consider my goal rather ambitious - I want to go from my present 221 lbs to 175 lbs. - a significant weight loss. But that weight will put me right in the middle of the "healthy" category for my height, and I am under no illusion that I will have a perfect body. I just want to fit in my old jeans and be healthier. I want to look my best, but at 38, why do I have to try to have Brad Pitt abs?

Do people feel like they are hideous if they have even a tiny bit of softness to their gut or thighs? Do they feel like they won't find love, or are too disgusting to be loved?

Like the thread about how men all say they like curvy women, but deep down they only want scrawny waifs. BULLCRAP! Most men do like curves, so please stop deluding yourselves! I have seen so many posts talking about how fat is "ugly" and "disgusting" and on and on. Christ, even at my biggest, if I had thought like that I would have offed myself! Even when I was big I accepted my body, even if it wasn't at its best.

It's supposed to be anti-ED here, but so many attitudes toward weight, physical imperfection, body fat etc. really do smack of EDs.

Getting into better shape should be a positive experience about trying to take good care of oneself, not about hating a part of yourself.

 

I don't even know if I'm making any sense here. All I know is that posts like this make me sad and make me wonder if I'm not becoming obsessive and full of fat-hate too.

Perhaps rather agressive in your phrasing but I do agree with your principle arguments. 

Unfortunatley you cannot "moderate" peoples opinions when a popular website such as this has so many members with varying body sizes, shapes, and attitudes, everyone will think that thay are right, and to some extent most people are.

I'm with you on the healthy non obsessive attitude, I'm 25, 5ft6, 150lbs down from 160, target of 140 - 145.  But I do have more important things to worry about, I love my job and work hard, I want to look toned at sexy for my boyfriend but he loves me as I am.  I'm never going to have a small ass (typical pear shaped) and I'm never going to be a size 6.  I will never live off broccoli and carrot sticks nd I doubt I will ever get to the gym more than 3 times per week.  So here's to being "average" and happy with it!!!!!  :o)

Well, as the saying goes, "if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen"! :P

dieting is not an easy feat. you can imagine all these people who are trying to make the best decisions, refusing the foods they want to eat while munching instead on a carrot, aren't always going to be in the best of mood. it takes a lot of someone mentally, i think, and since this site is so anonymous its easy to just take your frustration out in a post on someone you don't know and can't do anything about it. that's my opinion.

mm Very interesting points. What you have to remeber is there are some people on here who have had some horrible experiences becuase of their weight. Some experiences that have probaly effected their mental view of themselves.

I aso got to say about the diet thing I know I get grump and agitate easily when I am hungry and on a diet. Just happens and I can get pretty darn negative. But I over do it hen i diet. I saw a five pound increase in water weight that happens every month and I havent eaten over 1100 cals and last night actually got about 1400. I was moody all week and everybody in here has probably had that experiences once or twice I can understad some of the negativeness.

Hi udokier. Mind if I weigh in? :)

My name is Howard. I'm a long time Calorie-Count'er and one of those mods.  Really, I feel your frustration. It's really frustrating to read all these posts from people who don't always seem to get it, who think that dieting means not eating or have unhealthy expectations of what they can achieve. I TOTALLY feel ya.

But don't give up on this site yet. There really ARE some wonderful people here. People like you who really just want to lose weight and want the comradarie and inspiration. 

My suggestion might be to meet people who seem to be in the same wagon as you are, friend them, and write about this stuff in your journals.

The journals are like a comfortable living room. You can invite whomever you want in, as many or as few as you want, people who can offer the support you need. The forums are like.. the town meeting hall where everyone and anyone can see anything. :)

If anything, I think of the forums as the ultimate way to pay it forward. It's something a friend of mine suggested. You hop on the forums when you want to help people (or when you are new and need to be helped.) Helping people out in the forums is, for me, just a way to say thank you to the people who helped you out when you are new. It's also a way to make friends. Some people will listen to you, take your advice. Many won't. That's just the way of things.

I hope you decide to stick around. :) 

I've been using this site since Jan of 2006 (down 40 lbs, and still a long way to go) and I agree with you.  Sometimes, the abundance of self-hating posts can seem like too much...

Even among people who clearly do NOT have an ED, they may still exhibit signs of BDD, (Body Dismorphic Disorder), low self-esteem, or have simply bought into the current media ideal of beauty, which is unattainable for most people anyway, unless you also have a staff of people who can photoshop and airbrush your ACTUAL body (not possible, thank goodness!)

As an aside, I often wonder what we good people could accomplish in this world, if we didn't expend so much of our time and energy obsessing about our weight or the next morsel of food we're going to put in our mouths...

But, there is also a great deal of support to be found here.  And sometimes, just being here and demonstrating a healthy attitude might help someone who reads but doesn't post.  The more people who abandon the forums because they're too depressing/flame-tastic/drama-rific/whatever, the more the forums will be overrun with posts like you described in the OP.

Kathywainman is correct.  We can't moderate people's opinions or wave a magic wand and cure distorted thinking.

But as a community, we do try to provide the kind of support and encouragement that will be helpful to people who are seeking to better their health.  Please read over the posting guidelines that appear beneath the text box when you make a post.  If you ever see a post that you feel violates those guidelines, we'd appreciate it if you could help us by clicking on the report violation link at the top of the thread in question.  We can't force people to love themselves.  We can require that people abide by the posting guidelines.

Thanks udokier!  I've enjoyed reading several of your posts already!  :)

Hi Udokier! You are absolutely right about there being so many negative posts. I think that is because sooooo many people do feel so negative about themselves. You can perhaps help those same people in those same threads. Encourage, motivate, teach, feel their pain, empathize. Those are all things that you can do to help turn some people's thoughts around. Be a good example. There are also threads here that are very motivating and friendly and encouraging. I suggest that you look at some of those in the motivation section. Best wishes to you!

It's spelled "camaraderie".

 

Buuuuuttt don't give up! ;o; I'm relatively new to this site, and I have troubles reading these topics about 100 lb girls too, but the tools on this site are really helpful, and a lot of people have good things to say and sound advice. (:

I guess it's just that there are all different levels of dieting, from someone trying to lose 3 stubborn lbs to a another trying to lose 100. The problems for the person losing 3 lbs are vastly different than the person losing 100. A 100 lb overweight person isn't concerned with "omg will my abs EVER show up?"; they just want to get into a healthy weight range, and won't bother with any "fine-tuning" until later.

what hk said.

this site has excellent tools for those who really want to get healthy, and there are some awesome people here who also are "over" the ED'ers and self-loathers....and who also just want to get healthy by adopting healthy lifestyle changes. 

don't be discouraged by the loud minority.  and i totally agree with your comment that "getting into better shape should be a positive experience about trying to take good care of oneself, not about hating a part of yourself"

Simply stated:

Use discretion in using info from this site, be it 'social' (message boards, journals) or informative (library, tools, etc.)

Utilize what is helpful to you - and quietly discard the rest.

Soon you will learn to either hit the 'back' button quickly, or avoid clicking on certain postings altogether!! That's what I've done. 

Yeah, I've been here for several months. Sometimes I get weary of the posts, lots of times you see the same stuff over and over, but lots of new people come onboard so understandable. Yes, it is depressing, but that kind of comes with the territory.

However, there are lots of inspirational posts and lots of people find a good network of friends that they can share with.

Please keep in mind that the site is open to everyone, so there is a wide range of diversity within the weight problem spectrum. Be patient with those who you disagree with and maybe gently give them some feedback that will help them to eat healthy and build their self-esteem :)

Just now much does the media sway how people think? In one test kids said the very same food tasted better in a Micky D's wrapper than it did out of a Micky D's wrapper.

That's American culture for you.

Personally, I don't like fat the fact I peaked at 406 doesn't change the fact I don't like it. If you've ever weighted what I have you'd know to your very core today in America most people hate fat.

That doesn't make it right but that is pretty much the way it is.

I would like to have my life back because the fat helped take it away. I think that's happened to several others on here. I'm not bitter about getting fat in fact it's made me be more open minded about looking at people and seeing them for who they are. Even with that said, I don't like the look of fat...on me or on other people.

I'm working to take it off the blubber and making progress. When things go wrong on something as hard as losing weight people get negative. Many on the forum, in my opinon don't have a lot of support at home. People are negative to them about their weight and it spills out on the forum when they vent about stuff.

Being a fat man, I've had a taste how bad fat is. However, the stuff I've put up with is nothing compared to what the typical over weight woman endures.

Men (even fat ones) get judged by their confidence, success, money & sense of humor as a first impression.

Women get judged by how they look. Might not be fair but it still works that way.

Men will turn up their nose and made nasty comments about fat women. Many thin women while they will snicker about a fat guy will absolutely destory one of their own that's overweight. Maybe not to their face but behind their back...watch out.

So when one considers how much pressure about weight the typical woman has pushed on her it's very little wonder that some of them get pretty negative on occassion.

My view on the whole thing is pretty simple. Be strong focus take off the weight if it bothers you. Be happy that your actively doing something that's good for you health wise and will probably give you back a part of your life that's been taken away by the fat.

I'm with trainwreck on this one (love your username, by the way!).

Women do get judged by how they look. We women grow up being bombarded with images of beautiful though anorexic models on the one hand, and scare stories about the obesity epidemic on the other. And then add into that the porn culture that we now have.

Honestly, our society is so warped, it's a miracle when a woman grows up *without* any self-hatred and body insecurities!!

I'm not expressing myself well today... try checking out this site, that will "say" it better than I can:

http://www.laurengreenfield.com/index.php?p=V PGHSTCS

Women grow up being obsessed with the Body Project.

Even though I agree with many of your comments udokier, I have found this site very helpful because I can track my calories and workouts. I can find exercise routines, recipes, and ideas for healthy food. There are alot of good people on here with good suggestions. I am 43 and I also have no expectations of a perfect body. To even remotely achieve that I would have had to start much earlier in life.  My husband and I both have lost weight, but we love each other either way. I drink diet soda and eat junk and fast food occasionally. Don't let what others say get you down. I post and read the forums. Sometimes I read these posts and feel bad for the person who posted. I do think the good outweighs the bad.

Visit this thread. We're all sensible:

http://caloriecount.about.com/forums/post/517 03.html (slow-paced dieters)

If you were a couple years older and female, you could join us over-40s; we're all sensible too:

http://caloriecount.about.com/forums/post/413 13.html (women over 40)

Maybe you should start your own group. I know there are others here who feel like you do--I found them!

 

I'll second Mageeg's plug for the slow-paced dieters forum--lots of nice people and safe, sane attitudes.  And I'm going to check out the over 40 forum too, Mageeg--thanks for the pointer.

It is saddening, all the posts from the ED girls and the image-obsessed types, all the self-hate and buying in to the worst attitudes in our culture.  Unfortunately, this is the kind of place where those people will congregate.  But they aren't the only ones here, and if you take the time to search for them, you can find sub-communities that reflect your feelings and goals more closely.  That kind of support is valuable and worth searching for.  You'll find it.  :)

Hello Udokier!!!

I am sorry that some of the posts/posters have been frustrating or discouraging for you. I hope that you stick around, let your light shine, and look for the bright spots.

(As one of my neighbors used to quip, "Eat the chicken, spit out the bones." She was from Oklahoma and had a way with words.)

=^..^=  MOLLY

I'm with ya there.  The starving themselves post is what caught my attention.  There are so many here that it reads like a pro anna site sometimes.  I never saw anything like that on the forums on sparkpeople.com.  I was quite surprised about the amount of it here.

I love my curves and I've never been a waif, and I've never had a problem getting a man either, so I don't believe for a minute it's true that all they want are waifs.  I'm trying to lose weight, but not so I can be a toothpick.  I just want to be healthy.  Besides I already have a wonderful man who loves me just as I am.  So I'm losing for me, and not anyone else, which really is the best reason of all.

Well, it is a public forum about weight loss, so to me at least, it was a given that there'd be a lot of people obsessing about their weight.  And  a lot of people don't know what a reasonable goal for them is.  You gotta just get past it.

Also, sometimes it is actually better for some people to set an unreasonable goal as most people never reach goals they set for themselves.  Some may keep pushing until they reach a more reasonable goal.  For others, they might stop early because of it, so it really comes down to the individual.

udokier,

I'm quite new here, probably only a week. The reason I setup an account was first of all because this is free. I'm not convinced that paying for a diet plan guarantees more success than using common sense. Besides that, I thought that it is really neat that nutritional information is available from a database and I can just add my own information to it. Which makes my logging pretty customized.

For me this all started with exercise and weight loss is a side effect. Somehow I got really excited about this side effect. I'm telling myself: "A BMI of 25 or lower would be great, but I'm not going to obsess about it." But it makes sense to me that I try to change some habits, like the portion size, amount of snacks, etc.

I feel good about what I'm doing, and I feel great about the result. I made changes that I know I will maintain without feeling challenged. I'm motivated and I like to motivate others. It's up to others to recognize that.