You Can't Always Get What You Want

Is anyone else here frustrated over something they can't change, even with diet and exercise?  I'm not trying to inspire a lot of homilies about "self-acceptance" or "learning to love yourself" (who are we kidding), but think of it as a chance to vent.

I know a lot of people won't understand this, but I hate being a big guy.  I'm not "big" as in strong (though sometimes people mistake me for that), but tall and broad shouldered.  I know that that's a good thing for some people, but I've always hated my size, hated when anyone ever pointed it out (for any reason, good or bad), and resented girls because they stereotyped me as their protector or something stupid like that.  I know I have to learn to deal with it, but it's really hard for me.  I hate that it'll always be something people notice, even though I'm no giant  (6'3", 235 currently).

I've decided that rather than go off the irrational deep end and starve myself (I had been plotting to go 1200 calories a day in a desperate attempt to get down to around 165, figuring the loss would diminish my frame a bit), I might as well just face reality.  I'm not happy about it and I'm really not looking to be cheered up, but at least I'm not just sitting there wondering what to do next.

I don't know how many people out there really actively "embrace" their body.  I usually see that as a phony, desperate tactic so that people can put a positive spin on their shortcomings.  I mean, if you don't like something, you don't like it, right?  I guess to most people, being able to please someone, ANYONE, is important to them, but for me, it doesnt feel good to hear I'm a good-looking BIG guy.

Any way, I bring this up only to encourage others to vent about what they don't like and refuse to "learn to love".  There's gotta be some therapy in that.

I hear you.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who truly do accept and love the way they are, but that's not me.

In spite of my attempts to live my life to the fullest.. taking on performing in front of people in spite of my complete self consciousness.. I still am just that. Self conscious. and unhappy about it.

I'm doing this because I do care for myself. And yes.. I'm discontented. But without discontent, there's really no reason to change.

And it DOES get old hearing the same backhanded compliments. "You've got such a pretty face. if only..."

Can I ask.. how long have you been at this without change?

Thanks for your post. 

I've been feeling this way for years.  I doubt there will be a change, seeing as how I simply don't find it attractive to be big, no matter what anyone else thinks.  I also don't care for the girls who tend to find me attractive, as they stereotype me as some big football player type who's going to protect them and "dominate" them.  Not to imply that I get a lot of girls, or even that I'm strong.

What don't you like about your looks?  If you're just overweight, at least it will change soon.  I can't really alter my height or build.

I kind of understand what you mean too.  I have these killer thigs partly because of genetics (everybody on both my parents' sides of the family have large bottom halves), and partly because I used to play softball (in-field and back-up catcher)... SO, I know that my legs aren't all fat, I've got a pretty decent amount of muscle in there too.  But no matter what I do to makes my legs smaller, I know it's not going to happen.  I'm just going to try to get rid of most of the fat and hopefully that will help.  I also have really broad shoulders - for being a girl.  My boyfriend laughs at me because i'm always complaining about my "football-player muscles"... I feel like I look like a guy cuz I have quite large trapezuis (between the base of the neck and the upper shoulder) muscles.  When shopping for dresses, I always try to find halter tops (instead of strapless or spaghetti straps) because the straps from the halter will cover my ugly muscles.  I not sure if there is anything I can do to make those smaller too. *shrugs*  One more thing - I also have a very broad rib cage, so no matter how much fat I lose from my stomach/rib area, I probably won't ever get "really thin"... which that totally sucks, lol. 

Why would you ever want to alter your height??  6'3'' is a great height for a man!  Heck, its probably how tall most men would want to be, isn't it?  Short men get judged for being short. 

Do you lift?  If not, then maybe you'd actually be the strong guy some people think you are.  Plus you'd help convert extra fat into muscle.  Watch what you eat, and maybe you will get down to 165, although I'm not sure you'd want to be at your height. 

I know where you're coming from though.  I've been more or less the same weight for years now, and can't get lighter no matter what I do.  There is a certain time where, good or bad, you have to just realize that this is the way you're supposed to look.  That doesn't mean stop caring for your body though.  I still work out 5 days a week and watch what I eat, even though it rarely results in weight loss.  I keep thinking that maybe someday it will.  At least in the meantime I'm healthy.

My weight bothers me for a few reasons.. and while that includes issues with self image, etc.. it was mainly me being sick of feeling like shit all the time. Which has changed since then.

And yes, it WILL change. and I know that now.

It's true.. you can't alter your height or build. Going from 235lbs to 165 would be a big change, though. And that part is in your control (although, it's true.. 1200 calories probably wouldn't be the best way to do it.) My point is only that while there are some things that can't be changed, there are other variables within your reach.

I understand your problem with girls and stereotyping. But if you're seeing a girl who is merely dating a stereotype, something is amiss with her to begin with.

P.S.. is that a Stones reference in the title or mere coincidence? ;)

robynelizabeth - I know that some men want to be taller, but I still find it unattractive.  I hate that people always notice it and I don't care that other guys might want it....lots of guys want to look like some thuggy Vin Diesel type, too, but that doesnt mean I have to want it, too.

I'm grudgingly starting to lift.  The thing is, I don't care about being "the strong guy".  Actually, I'd rather not be seen as that.

I'm not obsessing about numbers.  165 is too extreme, I know...that was my "hopeful' goal assuming I could lose enough to get rid of my chest and shoulders (as well as tummy). 

molly-

yes, its a stones reference.

the thing is, eventually you WILL look how you want to, with enough hard work, so your problem is temporary (not to marginalize it).  no amount of hard work is going to make me attractive, and that's what makes me so angry.  it's not that i'm too lazy to do the work, but the work won't "work" in the way i wish it could.

I guess I'm not supposed to say this but I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ATTRACTED to tall men! 6'3" is PERFECT! It has nothing to do with being a "protector." I just see a tall guy and I MELT. Like some men love big breasts, I LOVE TALL men. I think tall women are so beautiful as well. I'm 5'6," no shortcake myself, but I have always dreamed of being taller (though I am perfectly happy with myself).

Hopefully, just talking about it will help you all who aren't happy with yourself. I TRULY BELIEVE that you can learn to like, even love, the things about yourself that you cannot change. I know you think it's "fake" but that's just YOUR view of it ... and obviously your view is skewed because you don't like yourself. Really, I think you don't like your SELF -- meaning something INSIDE of you, because you're obviously wanting to "disappear." Being the height that you are, the one who is 6'3," losing a ton of weight like that, you are only going to draw MORE attention to yourself. Plus, I think most people looking AT you (the ones that are, like me! haha) probably find your height attractive as well -- IF people are looking at you it's most likely a positive thing and NOT a negative thing. Maybe you are, inside your mind, making it out to be a negative thing. (I'm making "assumptions" here, so if it doesn't apply, please just disregard.)

I hated myself for years -- it was such a miserable existence. Now, even though I may not love each of my pieces/parts, I can say that they all work together quite nicely! Anyway, I think you need to work on your brain and not your body! :) ... Once in a while I still think "I wish I was this" or "I wish I had that" but I STOP myself immediately and say inside my mind "there is nothing I can do about that" and I let it go. It's really senseless to concentrate and waste mindpower on the things you cannot change.

Your post was really nice, regardless of whether you love tall guys or not.  Hell, we all have our preferences...I love girls with tons of freckles (who, don't tell the rest of the people here, is hopefully a bit chubby :).

I have no desire to teach myself to find myself attractive.  I doubt that would work any more than making me listen to 50 Cent for two months will turn me into a rap fan.  We like what we like...

Not to sound too defensive, but I could totally care less what others think.  I think most people have little taste and basically follow whatever trend is current.  To hear some girl tell me (no offense to what you said above) that she thinks I look totally hot and she loves a big man who can protect her hurts me a lot.  I know she's trying to be sweet, but to me it just confirms the problem all over again to me: being big. 

If there was any real good side I could see to being big, maybe it would be different.  However, I hate sports, I dont care if I'm strong, and I don't run into situations where any intimidation factor would have any kind of value.  I wouldn't want people to look at me as intimidating or tough.

I know it's senseless to concentrate on it.  Talking about this DOES help.  I'm just going to have to find a way to live with it.  It sucks.

I feel for you. I don't have a whole lot to say that would be encouraging, but I wanted to say something other than "I love tall men." Because that seemed like the exact opposite of what you wanted to hear... seeing as its generally considered a good quality I suppose its hard for a lot of people to understand, but in the end its really no different than anything anyone dislikes about themself. For example, when I was thinner I was flat-chested, and I had no problem with that. After putting on weight, I put on a chest too, and I'm really not comfortable with it, for reasons similar to yours (I feel like my boobs make it harder for guys to view me as just another person, as opposed to a female person... which too often means I'm not being viewed as an equal). I'd be more comfortable to be noticed for something I said or did, as opposed to the way I look... I dont know if I'm making any sense. Just trying to be supportive I guess.

I can really relate to that.  It's like being a girl with big boobs...it's SUPPOSED to be a good thing, but what if you're the type who admires Audrey Hepburn or Calista Flockhart or someone like that?  Do you "pretend" that you love the way Pamela Anderson looks, since it fits in more with the way you're built?

I just wish there was a way to avoid this.  It's funny...I've had minor back pain, so I've been trying to stand up straighter, and I realize now how much I slouch to hide my height and size.  I mean, you can always lose weight and be thin and flat-chested again if you want...I'm just angry that I don't have the same option.  At my most melodramatic, I call myself "permanently ugly" and figure I don't deserve to date, especially not the losers I had in the past.

Well, I technically have the option of losing weight and probably losing my boobs... but there are plenty of skinny chicks with big boobs who don't have the option... I suppose this thread is aptly titled... sometimes you do have to try to look at the bright side of things... because declaring simply yourself "permanently ugly" and quitting the dating scene really isn't getting you anywhere.

Ok, I am new here and just getting into researching this particular method of body maintenance.  However, I was reading the post on "Extreme dieting and why it doesn't work" which led me to this one and I just want to say I know where you're coming from.  I am female but built large, I guess.  I have no hope of ever attaining what is supposedly the "preferred female figure".  I am tall for a girl, 5'11", and have a large bone structure (bigger feet then my dad, etc. etc.).  No matter how much weight I lose, I will never be the tall willowy blonde or the little petite perky girl.. even anorexia wouldn't get me into a size 0.  Frankly, I don't think size 0 will even fit my skeleton long after I am dead and gone.  So, yeah...  I think I can empathize a bit here.

Hi.. my name is Anna and I refuse to love myself. :)

dot - the thing is, i see no bright side.  to me, there is NOTHING attractive about being tall, broad shouldered, and balding, not a single thing to take pride in.

mom - Right on.  Feels better than sitting there brainwashing yourself with "I love yourself", right?  A bit more honest.  So if I may ask...how are you going to deal with it?  How does your significant other feel?

i hear you... and understand (as I tried to illustrate w/first post) ... i guess by "looking at the bright side" i really mean don't spend your life dwelling on things you can't change? shoot... i don't know. i can say i probably despise my body as much as you despise yours, and just thinking about how miserable i am and knowing i can't change lots of things i dislike doesn't make me any less miserable...   

I'm short - 5' feet tall. My sister always used to joke, one or two less inches and I'd be a midget. I'd always hated being short. In particular, when people would say, "oh but you're soooo CCCUUUUUTTEEE!!" Yuck. I hated that word.

What happened? A long time ago - back when I was having serious body dysmorphic issues  - I saw this television show about this woman who'd been a homecoming queen, but then she was in fire that left her face horribly disfigured. They showed before and afters... it was so sad... such a waste of beauty. Seriously, the scars made her look scary-ugly... it was hard to look at her face.

But then as this woman was interviewed by the talk show host (it might have been Oprah, can't remember now), well, she was just GLOWING... glowing from the inside out... she had such a positive, loving, accepting attitude. Over the hour of the show, I forgot all about her horrible scars. They disappeared for me. All I could see was a beautiful - no, not just beautiful but blindingly stunning - woman!

When our inner spirit shines, it shines through. And I've never forgotten that lesson.

P.s. I also used to hate it when all the tall men over 6 foot would flock to me. What is it with that??? They should be with someone closer to their own size!! And yet the short guys wouldn't give me the time of day... I had one short guy tell me his mom would kill him if he married a woman less than 5'9"... because she wanted him to improve the gene pool... no joke!

I've used that analogy before...how the short girl is seen as cute and young, while the tall girl is more sexy and "powerful".  That's kinda how it is for me...I'm the guy who gets jealous of the scrawy, good looking guys and hates that all I can get are girls who make a big deal out of my size.

That woman may have been "glowing" (possibly because she was on Oprah), but that still doesn't change society.  I watched a documentary on the famous Judas Priest case of the late '80s (the root of all those stories about hidden messages on heavy metal albums).  Two young men tried to commit suicide after a day of listening to the group, one was unsuccessful and managed to blow his face off.  The doctors restored his ability to eat and breathe, but his face...well, to put it in a nice way, he looked like an exploded potato of flesh with two eyes and a mouth...and I couldnt help but think of what a nightmare that guy was gonna live through, no matter who he was.  I'd like to see what kind of sex or romantic life that burned woman had post-trauma, assuming she wasn't already married to someone.

I know I sound irrational about all this.  The main problem is that everyone else keeps bringing up my size.  If I could go out on a date and not hear what a big man I am, how I must have played sports, etc., I could deal a lot better with this.  Hell, I cant even go clothes shopping without the salesman calling me a "big healthy bloke", even though I'm not even THAT big by most standards.

ignorance - I guess I have decided to deal with it by not dealing with it.  I think I stopped obsessing over my appearance once I hit the 200lb mark.  I will eat right, exercise and try to get to a healthier weight for my body and just go with it.  I think I might be in an easier spot than you, though, because I am married and have kids now... it takes a lot of the emphasis off appearance.. for me anyway.  My main goal is to live long for my kids and be at a weight/health level that I can play with them and be active without running out of breath or needing to take a break.  I do not love myself and I will never be happy with the way I look but I guess I have given up or at least settled.  It is not that I don't care, I just don't have the time or energy to care as much as I used to.

As for how my husband feels.. well, he seems no less attracted to me now than when we started dating almost 11 years ago.  My body type hasn't changed, just my weight.  I have always been tall, broad, big, fluffy.. whatever you want to call it. :)  And I was never fit or athletic.  Exercise is a chore for me, no doubt about it.  I am not one of those people who gets a high from exercise. :)

I don't think this really addresses your particular issue, but I like to feel like I am protected by my husband and it has nothing to do with his size.  He is a whole inch taller than me and outweighs me by a grand 10lbs... and when it comes to who could kick butt in a fight, I might take that trophy.  In fact, I don't think it is even about protection, but that is an easy way to say it.  I get that the girls you date make a big deal out of your size, but the protection thing may not necessarily be negative and does not HAVE to be associated with your size, though it seems is has been for you so far.

Ok, one last thing.. maybe the girls you date make such a big deal of your size because YOU make such a big deal of your size.  You are creating your own reality.

It sounds to me like you simply don't want people to notice you at all. Like you want to shrink into the fabric of society and disappear? You don't like attention? And yet, you sound like you may be a bit lonely... like you may want a relationship? So it's a tough place to be... craving intimacy and closeness, but not wanting the glare of attention? Just psycho-analyzing cuz I am procrastinating. :-)

I thought of another one: I have a baby face. I've always looked a lot younger than I really am. I still get carded. As early as last year, when I was still smoking, I'd even get carded for cigs. I'm 41. You have to be 18 to buy cigs and nic gum in my state. The other day I went to by nic gum, I had my 14 year old daughter with me, and the clerk wouldn't sell to me because I forgot my license. She thought my daughter was older than me.

This used to bug me to no end!! Used to drive me batty!!! But ya know what, I'm 41, and now I LOVE IT!!! Ha ha! I love fooling people all the time, I love the look on the bouncer's face when he checks my license... I love it!