Can't believe they did that to me! My own parents!!

Sorry for the lenghty rant post but I just have to tell you my today's story:

I just arrived in Germany and my parents picked me up at the airport. They hadn't seen me since last Christmas and in the meantime I have lost 30 lb. I kept it a secret and wanted it to be a surprise. I wanted to see their stunned faces when I walked out to the arrival hall in my new outfit size 10 instead of 16, new haircolor and cut, nice make-up, and looking just FABULOUS.

But then, it happened. Nothing. O.k., I thought perhaps at home. But nothing.

I didn't say anything for hours waiting for a word on my new looks but nothing.

Then we went to go grocery shopping. On the way over to the supermarket, my mother out of the blue proudly announced that she had just started WW and already lost 6 pounds (she weighs more than 230 pounds at size 5'5") and that her pants are "falling off her"...

When she said that I couldn't hold back any longer, congratulated her for her fantastic weight loss and asked her whether she didn't see any difference looking at me... She said the new length of my hair looks pretty but she doesn't like that I dye my hair (although I'm ALL grey at age 35). Not a single word on fanstastic 30 pounds!

I'm feeling like a total idiot now. I'm so miserable. It hurts so much. Even when I told my parents about the 30 pounds, not a single word like congratulations, you look great, how did you do that. Just nothing. Indifference. A shrug. But of course they pretended to be so so happy to finally have me back (I lived in the US for three years) and that they had missed me so much.... Right now, I could care less and would rather move to the other side of this planet just to get away from them as far as possible.

But fortunately, with my weight loss I won my self-esteem back and had just to remind me that I'm on this journey for noone else but myself and no matter what life throws at me (and if it's my parents whom I considered my best friends until today), I will stay strong and I will not break down.

In the old days, I would have gone for a pint of icecream,  a chocolate bar and a bag of Haribos to calm down my immense anger. Today, I went straight to my piano (which I had missed so much) and played Beethoven fortissimo for an hour while crying tears of fury and felt so much better afterwards (and probably burned some extra calories from my piano workout....).

So, here I am, 35 and FABULOUS!!

thats well nasty! you poor thing... grrr well congrats on the weight loss anyway!! keep going!!

girl I know that had to hurt.  we all have those times but that is terrible,even after you told them you lost and they were still weird!  what doesnt kill us, strengthens us, right??

I am quoting excatly what you said if you dont mind:

But fortunately, with my weight loss I won my self-esteem back and had just to remind me that I'm on this journey for noone else but myself and no matter what life throws at me , I will stay strong and I will not break down.


forget about everyone. This is your body and you'e doing this for you. You feel better now, you are ten times healthy, no offense to your mom, but you lost more darn weight than her, and you have your self esteem no matter what. Just rememeber YOU lost this weight and you should be damn proud. GO up to your mom *MOm I have been working out, eating healthy (not WW) and I lost 30 lbs and went down 4 sizes.

UGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate when the ones that you want the support from the most, dont give it to you and is blinded by all of this. UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

We're here for you, no matter what.

Did anyone else notice your weight loss....

PLay the music..................................laaaaa aaaaaaaaallllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaa and forget everyone else.

I am proud of you.

Good for you!!  My parents are the same but they are not overweight.. They just don't tolerate ANYONE who is over weight very well...  It hurt me being thier child, being overweight meant I was not as good.  I had LOTS of problems as an adult dealing with this...  Thank God I never developed an ED.  I was thisclose though.  You just have to ignore them.  Remember just because they are your parents doesn't make them perfect! 

Remember what you have done and how great you look now!

maybe your mom is like my mother in law?

made snide comments about my weight for years, and when I lost 60-freaking-lbs....said nothing. to me.

but she told all her friends and family. I found that out when I saw them this weekend at their anniversary party. and many of them started their congrats with 'Judy TOLD me how much you'd lost...'

sorry to hear about that sun.. :(  i know how much you were looking forward to having everyone see you for the first time since you've lost weight.. it sucks doesn't it?  I'm glad that you are healthy emotionally enough to realize that you arne't doing this to impress anyone.. only to be as healthy as you can be... this is important to hang on to..

isn't playing the piano a great stress reliever???  i LOVE it!  :)   good for you to reach for your piano rather than the ice cream!  :)

Sounds something like my gf's mother. For years and years, my girlfriend's mom who is.. more than chunky would criticize my girlfriend for her weight.

My girlfriend is 5'0.5" and 130 lbs. How is she FAT?!?!

But we figure that's how she deals with her own issue, by being down on others.

Heck with that!

Thank you so much for being my friends!! Your kind words mean a lot to me.

I'm still sitting here with tears in my eyes and figthing this feeling of total humiliation. Deep breath!

I know now that my parents and their strong emotional influence and constant pressure were one of the main reasons why I had developed BED and fought it for years not knowing that I even had an eating disorder and where it came from.

Fortunately, I do have great friends who were ecstatic when they saw me changing "big" time after only 6 weeks into my new lifestyle (I hadn't told anyone). Finally, my co-workers, even my boss asked me what I was doing to look that great.  Everyone - EXCEPT FOR MY PARENTS - was just great, supportive, motivating and full of compliments.

But hey, this is my life and I love live more than ever.  And I'm just learning to love myself again.

Thanks again, everyone! You're my inspiration!

Sunny

Is it possible that maybe your mom was jealous?? From some of what you say, that sounds like a possibility.

My mom had weight issues most all of her life, and managed to pass them down to me. When she was up here for my son's birthday, I expected her to notice or say something, but she didn't say a word. I never mentioned it. I know she has lost alot of weight the last few years and doesn't seem to have as much battle with it as she did before. But like you I was hurt she didn't notice.

Thankfully I"ve realized the only one I need to please is myself.

What ever your parents issues, they are thier problem, it isn't about you.

Ugh, I am sorry to hear that. Family members can really be the worst. My aunt and grandmother were here last weekend and asked me if I'd GAINED weight, and when I responded no, they told me I looked like I did. I was about to kill them!

oh, you're making me miss my piano that's in storage for the next 6 months!  Isn't Beethoven just great for stress relief? Beethoven and little Maple Leaf Rag.  Oh, I'm so envious!

As for your parents, you are not alone sun.  Lots of us out here have parents that are less than we'd wish them to be.  It really helped me to see them as individuals, with all their flaws, all their hang ups, all their insecurities, and not as my mother who keeps trying to bring me down.  Try to see them as they are, not as you'd wish them to be, you'll be less disappointed.

I know how disappointing and hurtful it can be when people who are supposed to love and support us are petty and selfish, too wrapped up in themselves to GIVE anything.  You just need to expect less from them, as cold as that sounds.  You've gotten past your childhood, gotten past the ED.  What an enormous accomplishment!  Sounds like you're proud of yourself, and YOU SHOULD BE!!

One book recommendation.  Dr. Laura Schlesinger's "Bad Childhood, Good Life".  Could be helpful to you.

Play Beethoven.  Cry.  Get pissed off.  Then hold you head up high and take from your parents what they are able to give you, and don't waste emotion on looking for what you're not going to get.

Hang in there!

I don't know about you, ladies, but I can not keep my frustration bottled up for a long time.  I used to try to ignore or rationalize my parents? attitude until I got completely fed up with it.  Now, I say everything that bothers me straight up.  I'd be like, "mom, dad, would it kill you to acknowledge my hard work? don't you know how much your kind words matter to me?".  Well, this would open up a can of worms, of cause, but after I had this type of discussion with my parents a few times, my relationship with then improved dramatically.

Don't get me wrong, sunsailfun, I am not suggesting that you slam the keyboard and go confront your parents in the fit of indignation.  I am just saying, from my experience, suppressed negativity will come back to bite you.  It's a good thing you vented here.  Congratulation on your weight loss.  You look FABULOUS, indeed, girl. :) 

SNAP OUT OF IT!

Why did you lose the weight?  To feel healthy?  To feel energetic?  Or to impress your parents?

Ok, so they're not acting impressed.  Don't think for one minute that they didn't notice.  Your mother's comment about joining WW is very telling.  She maybe feels a little threatened or even shamed that you did so well and she is not doing so well.  So do for her what you wanted her to do for you - support and praise her (which you already started doing, because you're a good and loving person).  Don't expect anything back though.

sun...I know the feeling of dissappointment when you have it all built up for someone (or more than one) to notice a weight loss and nothing is said. I lost 32 and went back to FL where I had moved from months before. It seemed that nobody would say anything about it until myself or my dh did. I expected wide eyes and gaping mouths myself, but had no such pleasure.

You know, I have found that people are very weird about weight loss. When someone is losing weight, others either get defensive bc they are not losing or feel threatened that they are not going to be the only skinny one. Once I hit a certain point in my weight loss, not many people were interested anymore. Which made it hard to talk to me for awhile, being so exicted about my new habits. This is not all people of course, and I am not above saying that I have been on the negative side before.

It is difficult, there are some people I do not even mention my loss to bc I feel guilty. I do not want to make anybody feel bad. But on the inside...I feel fabulous as well!!

Your mom noticed, I am sure. At 5'5" and 230...it may be a hard pill for your mother to swallow. Recognize that we are all human, even our own parents. I saw the dissapointment in my own mother's face when she found that we weighed the same, then I kept losing. I do not talk to her much about it anymore. (She is 5 inches shorter than me.) I dont know your parents well (if there are other issues), but consider the fact that it is the human nature to be jealous.

Hey fellow German! Hope you'll have some time enjoying the brilliant weather and world cup over there.

I know so very much what you mean. My parents can make me feel exactly the same, sometimes with only a word. It would appear that, while we try and work so very hard to impress them, they don't see that. All they see is the end result, then it goes through the "education" filter, and what comes out never seems to be the love and support that we get from friends. I went down a size last year too and my parents never mentioned anything until 2 weeks in, and then still most of it came from my dad. I assume mothers aren't immune to female rivalry even when it's with their own daughters.

Give your mum a big hug, she probably feels threatened and inferior right now. Especially if you've been gone for 3 years they'll have to make some adjustments again. And if the two of them can't give you the praise you deserve....maybe try grandparents or someone? I know in my family it's the men who are so much readier for praise to my face, but the women who then go and tell everyone - and they're proud!  

I KNOW THAT MUST HAVE HURT A LOT.  Sometimes people are just into themselves.  She may be so into trying to stay on her program that she just doesn't have the mental energy to notice you.

That's called emotional unavailability and it hurts and wounds deeply.

I actually struggle against this tendency with my own children.  Being emotioanlly unavailable is a terrible thing to do to people in relationships.  But the only thing you can do is to forgive her and encourage her.

Please be strong and do know that you do matter, and people do care. 

I agree you are fabulous!

go sun! you are doing some great things - i suspect with your mom
especially it is about much more than the weight issue. we raise our
children up to flyyyyy and you have certainly done that. they might be
afraid you are flying too far away and unconsciously trying to clip
your wings. hugsssss to you.