I can't forget his insult - can you advise?

I am a fat girl. I admit. but I know that I have a big heart with warm feelings for all people around me.  now I am 32. I met a guy through a friend, being shy didn't help me to tell him during our first phone call that I am fat.

after a few phone calls, he asked me about my weight ...I told him I am heavy without revealing any number. ( 219 pounds) 5.3

He said that now he knows why I am 32 and not married ...that is because no guy would like me because I am old and fat

After that conversation, I left the guy even after his apology and phone calls. He tried to reach out to me several times with no luck.

I have started a diet and lost 11 pounds in 4 weeks..

I will not look back... ever.. but

I am sad and can't forget .. maybe can't forgive...

I think because I know he was right ..  many guys refused me but peacfully without any insult or hurt.

I don't know some friends told me that it was not right to run away after the first fight. I should have offered him a chance to discuss it together... Am I right or wrong?

Congrats on successfully starting your new way of life- sounds like your off to a great start.

With that being said- you are not married because you have not found the guy for you and that is nothing to be ashamed of. He on the other hand- well I'd say it is pretty obvious why he is not married and with an attitude like that- he probably will never have a successful marriage with that kind of an attitude.

People are more than just a number - whether it is age, weight, or even $$, and people who use those numbers as a guide to who is worthy are shallow and not worth your time. Your life is too precious to be wasting time on his comments and letting him consume your thoughts. You seem like a lovely person and no one has the right to speak to you in that manner.

*Sounds like your reaction surprised him though- maybe you help put him on the right track with his attitude*

Forget him! Obviously he's a looser!

"I think because I know he was right .. "

No my dear he was not right.  You are much more than what a scale says.  You said it yourself..."big heart, with warm feelings for everyone".  He wasn't worth the time you gave him.  There is someone out there for you dear and he wasn't the one.  He didn't even come close. You deserve so much more then that....don't you forget it.

Honey, that man was a hedge pig!  Don't take the words of one moron to heart!  I'm living proof that big girls find love too.  Me and my fiance have been "living in sin" for 15 years or so.  I was big when he met me, and I still am, and he loves me to pieces.  I'm doing my best to get to a healthier weight because I want to be around for a long time, and have more fun with my sweetie.  He has been very supportive, but part of my success has been knowing that he'll love me still, fat or thin.

Now, if what that incredible loser said has jump started you on the road to a healthier you, then maybe it's for the best.  I truly believe that all things happen for a reason.  But don't let what one truly supperficial git said in an offhand comment make you feel badly about yourself.  You sound like a wonderful and giving person.  If he's too stupid to see that, he's not worth talking to.

PS:  I didn't even meet my sweetie until I was 25ish.  Some times it just takes time to find the right fella for you.  A friend of mine who is in her late 40's just found the love of her life.  She would tell you without blinking an eye that he was worth waiting for!

that is because no guy would like me because I am old and fat

After that conversation, I left the guy even after his apology and phone calls. He tried to reach out to me several times with no luck.


sad to say, but that is the pattern of an abusive person.  They make hurtful, demeaning statements that cut to the bone and tear the other person down and destroy their self-esteem... to manipulate and control them and make the other person rely on the abuser.

when they have gone too far, they apologize and promise it will never happen again, show remorse... and are on their best behavior for a few hours, days, even weeks...

but the pattern usually repeats.

although it may have broken your heart to walk away... you need to protect yourself.  Just like you would not allow someone to physically strike you, you can't let them verbally attack you either.

~ and the problem with the message we too often hear in society about fat people... we tend to internalize those messages and beat ourselves up...

we need to conciously work to counteract those thoughts.  Look in the mirror and tell ourselves that we are woman.  We are beautiful.  We are worth loving.  We are as good as everyone else.

Our body is just our package.  It is not who we are...

We are... mother, wife, sister, sibling, daughter, auntie, gramsie, friend, neighbor, co-worker... we are all colors, we are all hieghts, we are all weights.  we are you.  we are the world. we are all the same.  we hurt, we love, we live, we laff, we have emotions, we have pain... we want, we desire, we pray, we hope, we strive, we try, we want approval... we want acceptance... we want unconditional love.

:::nods head:::: 

just as we give it ~ just as we love everyone else in our lives...

we need to accept that they love us... for the same reasons we love them..... not because of the way we look, but because of our relationship to them ~ how we enrich and bless each others lives ~ by sharing laffter, love, faith, joy... together :) 

any person who judges you solely on the number on the scale DOES NOT DESERVE YOU! Everyone deserves to be loved regardless of weight, color, age whatever. Forget him, you are so much better then that

You're right!

he hit below the belt.

he would probably always hit below the belt.

don't even look back.

Our body is just our package.  It is not who we are... -- united2gether

Wow! I LOVE that. You're definitely quotable!

I think you need to reevalute your friends. Not only because they think you should give this a-hole a second chance, but because they are the one who set you up with him in the first place. Don't tell me that this is the first and only time he has shown his true colors. Anyone who could be a friend to him can't be a good person themselves.

Be who you are and don't let anyone make you feel bad for that.

You have done a great job. If his comment was what inspired you to ove forward in taking charge of your health-well, then, that is the only thing that jerk is good for. Just think when are slim and trim you can be the better person and show him what he missed! Its too bad that some men are so hung up on the "victoria's secret" woman. I don't know anyone who looks like that. i bet he doesn't either. And I understand about the comments. I am very sensitive about my weight and I feel that I am being compared to other people all the time by my friends, when, in reality, I'm probably not. Think about this: One of friends is a little heavier than me. We go shopping together often. I usually complain about how clothes look on me, etc. One day, I was trying on a particularly hideous pair of pants. I looked so fat in them, so I said, "I am so fat." I heard in the dressing room next to me: "I don't say that anymore." I said, "Say what? That you're fat?" She said, "Yes. I don't say that because fat is not ALL I am. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a confidant, a student, a lover, and many other things. I may have fat on my body, but I am NOT fat." I nexer forgot that moment. I is not FAT. I have fat on me, but it is how I define myself. I am more than that. YOU are more than that. Don't forget.

yes i will agree that the guy made a very rude comment... but its no different then turning to someone and telling them that they are very unhealthy for smoking and they should stop. The only difference is that one of these things is "socially acceptable".. when will the time come when you can go up to some over weight person and tell them that they should really be watching what they put in their mouth without being out of line?

that guy was mean but look on the bright side, at least it motivated you to loose the weight... and then just watch, in a few short months when your all fit, healthy and sexy, the guy will be sorry that he blew his chances! and you will feel so much better about yourself :)

what an ass this guy is!  I was 250 pounds when I was my heaviest and I ran into a few "charmers" too. 

Please take heart in the fact that I found true love at my heaviest weight ever.  My sweet hearted husband loved all 5'1", 250 pounds of me and married me 2 years BEFORE I started to lose weight. 

I hope you have tremendous luck in your endevour to become a slimmer healthier version of yourself adn try to remember that the people who insult you for your appearance aren't equipted to love you.  Real love (friendship or otherwise) comes from loving who you are, not what you are or appear to be.

I am so sorry that happened to you.  Some men and women can be incredibly judgmental when it comes to weight.  I think it makes them feel better about themselves to make fun or put others down.  Maybe he is insecure about his loss of hair? the fact that he is not married and probably can't get a date? the fact that his personality is horrible?

So please do not be sad over him - he will be kissing your as* and begging you for a date when you lose weight, but the key will be to never forget times like these.

I have a very close friend, whom I absolutely love, who also is very judgmental about people who are overweight. Which makes it really uncomfortable for me because I am 5"9' and 220 pounds, but I don't want to drop him as a friend because of this.  Instead I have made an effort not to ever participate in any of his "jokes" about particular girls who are overweight.  I definitely think he does it because he is insecure about himself (he is short, balding, etc).  I must admit, however, that I will be psyched to lose weight so I can feel comfortable around him and our other guy friends who are also incredibly judgmental when it comes to weight.

Being chubby is hard, but I think we can do this whole weight loss thing and then forever remember that these same people who think we are hot when we are skinny hated us when we were "fat"

Ouch, talk about hurtful! What a jerk!

Regardless of his comments, good for you for doing something about it. Obviously your self esteem is high enough to recognize that you deserve better than him, and realistic enough to recognize that your health is not the best it can be. Way to turn a truly painful experience into a positively motivating one.

Hopefully you will attract someone to you who is happy, healthy, and respectful!

I had a similar experience with an ex.  He and I started talking on the phone and online again after having a huge blowout and calling off our engagement.  He said he knew the reason I didn't want to see him in person (he lives 5 hours away now) was because I was ashamed at how "big" I'd gotten.  I've put on a few lbs, and yes, I'm bigger than when he and I first met (probably about 20/25lbs bigger EEEK) but I was15 lbs heavier than the last time he saw me. 

I don't talk to him often now.  He said the reason he said it was because he knew it was the only way he could hurt me (luckily I'm about 10x smarter than he is). 

I'm losing weight now.  I started about two months ago.  I went to the gym 6 days a week and gradually increased my time on the elliptical and in the weight room.  I didn't change my eating habits until about a month ago though.  I've lost about 13 lbs and that's great for me!  I've got a boyfriend that's known me since I was 130ish.  That's 50lbs ago.  He loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous no matter my weight (and he doesn't have to SAY that, I can feel it).  Obviously, he'll be more attracted to me when I get to my "ideal" weight, but he's attracted to me NOW and that's what matters most.  Besides that, he loves me for my brains ;).  Wierd and crazy, but I've found a person that I know loves me for me...and supports anything I do from GAINING to losing.

I'm lucky.

So you KEEP up your good work and don't let some jackass get you down.  I'd almost forgotten what my ex said until I read your post.  It doesn't hurt anymore now because I've found someone that loves me no matter my size.  You will too.  Hell, my dad's a weight lifter (he goes to the gym everyday, sometimes twice and is SUPER healthy) and my mother's a bigger lady.  He loves her and her body...treasures the ground she walks on.

what would you say when you know that he told me  he wanted to meet me to have a look at me, if he didn't like my "size" , he will refer me to one of his friends who doesn't mind "plus size".


What a total Jack**s!!!  Don't listen to him and don't give him the satisfaction by feeling bad.  Women are not pieces of meat to be pushed around like that.  A man with an attitude like that has to be a complete and total loser!  You don't need him.

There are plenty of kind hearted men out there, who not only have kind words for others but strong arms and mind to help you love and enjoy life even more.  Choose to lose the weight for your own health and not for others.  You are a wonderful woman and don't ever doubt that.

dgny - I don't mean to sound cruel, but HAVE you not dated much because you're fat?  I'm kind of surprised that in this day and age, this guy is expressing shock that you're not married by 32, but I also don't know where you're from, etc.  To me, that's not old, to some, it will be. 

Assuming that this guy DID say "no guy would want you 'cause you're old and fat", or some variation of it, then the one comfort you can take is knowing that this guy's not for you.  However, I'm guessing that it hurts your feelings partially because, despite his rudeness, you feel that you ARE too old and too fat.  This guy obviously felt that he could push you around because you were too old and too fat to get any better anyway.

The best you can do is keep losing weight.  Whether it's unfair or not, a lot of people in this world are insensitive.  We can complain about it, we can pretend it doesn't exist, or we can deal with it.  I myself adore chubby girls and find them a lot sexier and more feminine than skinny ones, but I know that a lot of guys look at them with either pity or disgust.  Our new national "fat is unhealthy" mindset has only exacerbated that...I had a recent co-worker who told me she thought it was just fine to refer to fat people as "porkers" and to shame them into losing weight because "they're driving up my medical insurance premiums".  It sounds horrid, but it's a mentality a lot of people have.   

It sucks, but losing weight is really the only way you can prevent people from taking cheap shots about it. 

No guy will like you because you're "old" and "fat"??

Think about the anger it takes to make a statement like that.  Nothing you did triggered that anger; it's a reflection of his personality.  He lashes out at others because he's an unhappy person, and you don't need to try to fix that.

My boyfriend says he'll love me no matter what.  I have gained weight since we've gotten together, and when I lament this fact, he just says "more of you to love."

He's gained some weight recently too, because of quitting smoking, and I feel the same way toward him.  I'd much rather have him with ten or twenty extra pounds (or however many it turns into) than have him still smoking, with the many attendant health risks.

Anyway, the person who said that to you is angry about things in their own life, and it was validating to him to be able to reject someone.  He likely feels rejected himself.  Just because someone is miserable doesn't give him the right to make others around him unhappy too, but that's what he's doing.  Consider the source... and know that you are making progress toward your goal, no matter what jerks like him might say to you.  Great job!

Yes, I have not dated many guys because I am overweight. I was harassed several times. I was rejected several times. and I am always shy... my friends pushed me to get to know a new guy... I listened to them and thought that I should give it a try... That guy insulted me and apologized but I felt that enough is enough... I have to do something about my weight beacuse my soul is a prisoner for 32 years..

 If I will die alone, it is ok. I am fine with that. sometimes I think it is better for people who will carry my coffin  to carry a light body not a heavy one.

Do you think I am happy? Actually, I am not happy. But I am losing weight and I am not thinking about dating any other guy at the moment. When I am done with the weight loss, I will move on to the next chapter in my life.

Thanks for the replies and your time.