I can't forget his insult - can you advise?

I am a fat girl. I admit. but I know that I have a big heart with warm feelings for all people around me.  now I am 32. I met a guy through a friend, being shy didn't help me to tell him during our first phone call that I am fat.

after a few phone calls, he asked me about my weight ...I told him I am heavy without revealing any number. ( 219 pounds) 5.3

He said that now he knows why I am 32 and not married ...that is because no guy would like me because I am old and fat

After that conversation, I left the guy even after his apology and phone calls. He tried to reach out to me several times with no luck.

I have started a diet and lost 11 pounds in 4 weeks..

I will not look back... ever.. but

I am sad and can't forget .. maybe can't forgive...

I think because I know he was right ..  many guys refused me but peacfully without any insult or hurt.

I don't know some friends told me that it was not right to run away after the first fight. I should have offered him a chance to discuss it together... Am I right or wrong?

dgny, i think what you need is more confidence! i know you think you need to lose the weight before you can have it, but that's not true. you will still be you, with or without the weight. it might be easier to feel confident when you are thinner, but that doesn't mean you have to wait until then to love yourself for who you are! if you project love for yourself, other people will feel it! you said yourself that you are a good, kind, loving person, so try to stop being so shy! go out there, laugh, talk to new people, be you! who cares what other people think? if they judge you, they don't deserve your friendship. i guarantee the right kind of guy will be drawn to that, no matter what your size is. 

what that guy said to you was so ridiculous and pathetic! he hadn't even met you yet! and why is HE his age and unmarried? probably lacking elsewhere... it's great that you found out now what kind of person he is so you can move on to something better. appreciate the little things in life, LOVE YOURSELF, and you will  eventually find happiness. you deserve it.

dgny - one more thing.  it's pointless for you to think "Oh, he only said that because he's unhappy", etc.  It's common to think bullies only abuse because they feel inferior, etc.  Actually, studies have shown that most bullies feel superior, as this guy apparently did.  He may have even been mad at the thought of someone recommending him a fat girl, as if that's the only girl he could get.

Understand that I say this from his point of view, not my own.  I'm making no judgments about your weight and appearance, but please don't think that people won't in real life.  Then again, it sounds like you've had some unpleasant experiences that have made it all the more clear.

It sucks that people are prejudiced against fat people, but there is nothing anyone can do to change that.  I'm guessing if you lose the weight, that itself will improve your own self-worth.

Ignoranceandwant: you mentioned that  "He may have even been mad at the thought of someone recommending him a fat girl, as if that's the only girl he could get. "

Maybe what you are saying is true. Sometimes I think he is right. Why should he have a relationship with a fat girl? I remember there was a guy who showed interests in me. He was very unhealthy with a unbelievable amount of weight. I didn't say " hey fat guy. Go away..".  " I just said " you are a wonderful man but I believe we are not for each other". I didn't hurt his feelings. As my heart broke when I saw him and I was  sure he has enough to worry about.

As I mentioned earlier, I am not going to date any guy any more. I know it is a big gap in my life but I can't do any thing about it any more.

First - that was actually a good thing - he gave you the proverbial "last straw" that you needed to decide to change.  (it happened to me 3 weeks ago and I've lost 13 lbs since with 57 to go!)

I know it hurts to hear those things as I used to hear it all the time too.  Just know that once you get to your goal weight, you'll feel better about yourself and eventually find the perfect match or perhaps your soul mate. 

as for him...  My opinion is... if someone can't accept you as you are (heavy and all) then they don't deserve your time.  If he had accepted you as you were then, he would be around to support you through this and would have a warm hearted person to share his life with.

Good Luck! *HUGS*

"There are some things that you cannot un-say, that color the perceptions of the person you said it to forever.  An apology lets you forgive yourself, but that person is forever changed by your interactions.  Sorry doesn't make everything better past kindergarten."

.... says my mom.  Some people never learn that lesson.  Sounds like you found one of them.  :-(

ellybell: What do you mean by " that person is forever changed by your interactions"?

what would you say when you know that he told me  he wanted to meet me to have a look at me, if he didn't like my "size" , he will refer me to one of his friends who doesn't mind "plus size".

What would I have said? I would have said, "how about I have a look at your penis (of course I myself would use a different word *wink*), and if I dont like the size I will refer you to one of my friends who doesnt mind little ones".

Enough said.

dgny123 -

In general, what that means is that even if the person who has received the hurtful statement forgives whoever said it to her, it's still a sentiment that has passed between them.  If you say, "I hate you," to someone, and later say, "I'm sorry," even if they forgive you, they know you are capable of hating them.

In this case, no matter how sincerely this man apologizes to you, you know that he has had cruel and hurtful thoughts about you.  You cannot help but be changed in how you interact with HIM by such a thing, even if you forgive him.  Forgive and forget is a pretty sentiment, but most people can only do one or the other.  You sound like a forgive-er.  That's all well and good, but 'I'm sorry' doesn't let someone off the hook for saying something so obviously and deliberately cruel and hurtful.

There are a vast multitude of people who would never say such a hurtful thing, and there is no reason to burden yourself with someone who would.

There's a certain amount of permanency to something that has already been said.  This is sort of the ultimate culmination of the 'think before you speak' admonition everyone's mom throws on them.

Oh, the insults! That takes me back. Let's see....
One time in elementary school, I was told I looked pregnant....
A guy I dated in elementary school would call me fat and then giggle and run away just to see if he could piss me off....
A guy I liked in middle school who rode the bus with me once said "Okay, everyone get on this side of the bus except you, you stay on that side then it'll balance out!"...
Even a guy I dated in junior high, a guy who was actually pretty sweet, when I did the typical girl thing and once asked thinking out loud "UGH! Why am I so fat?" he said that maybe it was in my genes.
A little something about me, well, I danced for a while ('that' kind of dancing :-P) at my lowest weight which wasn't exactly low, I had guys actually turn their noses up in disgust and tell me to go away!
My ex was a porn addict. One time I asked him if he would be more attracted to me if I looked like "those girls." Didn't get a straight answer. It hurt.

Since meeting my new fiance, I've gained 30 pounds. I just started trying to get it back off, but he has never been anything but loving and affectionate, he even prefers a little meat and lovingly refers to skinny girls as "twiglets" :-D

Though rare, there are decent men out there. You might have to take a lot of cheap shots from jerks along the way, lord knows I did.
Much love, and last but not least, f#@* him.

Lainey150: I am so sorry that happened to you. and I am glad that you found someone who is nice and caring. Because you deserve to be happy. and you are here in the right place for a healhier life and new you.:) thanks so much for the support.

Ellybell: Thanks for writing back:) I do believe that this person used to lose his temper and lash out then apologize then lose his temper again. I am so sorry that a very well educated person like him has this personality. Sometimes I blame myself for what happened. I should have told him in the first call. I, also, blame myself for not being able to lose the weight all these years. I really wasted too much time BUT NOT ANY MORE.

Have a great day.

dgny123, i feel for you, i really do.  i've had similar responses to my weight. 

one thing i've learned...  Don't judge yourself by how others see you on the outside.  The outside is truly just the wrapping.  you don't get to see the prize until the package is torn away.  That person (if you can call him that) doesn't care about anyone, probably not even himself. 

Believe it or not, but my first real serious boyfriend dated me BECAUSE I was heavy.  He didn't like thin women.  He ended up marrying someone even heavier than me.  My two brothers chose very heavy women.  My cousin was nearly 275 pounds and married the love of her life 2 years ago.  He worships her and she him.

Weight is not love.  Love is not about weight.  Love in any form is caring for someone, deep down in your soul.  Weight is about health and health only.  We beat ourselves up because things don't look good on us....  They don't look good because we have even conditioned ourselves to expect to look like the advertisements. 

Don't lose weight for anyone but you and your health.  Don't lose weight because you feel sorry for yourself either.  Lose weight because you love yourself and life and want to be here for a long time to enjoy it.  If you don't want to date, don't.  But for the right reasons, not because of your weight or some jerk's stupid comments. 

I met my husband when I was 9, he has known me heavy, thin, and plain old fat.  He loves me just the way I am regardless.  We have been married for 14 years and it will be for life however long our life together is.  He read the comments that were said to you and he says "He's not worth your time.  He's a zebra and zebras can't change their stripes any more than a tiger can.  he's an insensitive a**"  Zebras can't be domesticated, neither can that a**.

Too bad you didn't ask him about his reasons for being old and unmarried, or what kind of man was he that he had something against a mature loving woman.  He must not be grown up yet.

Your friends.  Why would they want you to be saddled with someone like that?  Are they really your friends?  If so, they would be supporting your decision and not trying to tell you your decision was wrong.  Re think any of their advice or comments from now on.  Don't act desperate, don't be desperate and let them know that you aren't desperate enough to date scum from the bottom of the barrel.

Sorry to go on so much, but this really bent me out of shape.  Don't be down on yourself.  Don't accept prejudice and sexual harassment like that.  NO ONE DESERVES TREATMENT LIKE THAT!!!!

Look girl.. Keep moving on. He is nothing, and i don't care if my who set me up with a person like him i will keep on going. Men comes a dime a dz. And we don't have to just date anyone that says hi to us, or we have pretty eyes.
My Friend would have been cussed.. That for sure..

You are not alone because of thoes things. You are smart. Just remember that. You can jump for the first thing that says i love you, and then lets get married. BUT YOU ARE SMART.. So wait on God to bring you the right man. Your heart will let you know...

Trust in yourself. You are ok.. Just take your time ok.. You will know then the right one touch down.. Been there done that, and i feel still like i am picking up bad men... I am married to one.. Maybe not.. But my husband new i was losing weight when we started dating... I got stressed out months before my wedding.. Stayed at 177 and then after that.. I blew up.. SO do this one thing for me.. Take your time.. Ok.. Just take your time.. You don't need to rush for anything..


~Lynn

What, he thinks if you're not married at 32 you should just resign yourself to a life of solitude?

No way, girl! If you are fat, heavy, skinny, thick, thin, average, whatever, that's NEVER an excuse for someone to treat you like you're not a real human like everyone else.

So first, you're not old!   32?  You've got a lot of living left to do.  And no matter what the number on the scale is, you can still DEFINITELY BE SEXY!  Yeah, I mean it!  Look at yourself in the mirror next time you're in the bathroom and make a pose and say, "Hi there, hot stuff!" 

And you owed that guy NOTHING.  No second chances are necessary unless YOU think he deserves one.  And well, I know I sure wouldn't!  Maybe he'll learn that everyone deserves respect and kindness, but you don't owe him any other chances to 'make it up' to you or anything.

You don't have to forget, but do try to forgive him.  Forgive the poor guy whose head is so lost up his own butt that he doesn't understand the concept of treating other people nicely.  You don't have to forget, you don't have to talk to him or associate at all, but forgive him for being an idiot.  Plus, he is NOT worth your energy staying upset with.  It takes so much energy - instead, spend your energy feeling so proud of yourself for starting the weight loss journey!

Darling, I can tell you, you are beautiful, I don't care what your weight is.  You said it yourself, you have a big heart and warm feelings for people.  If that's not completely beautiful, I don't know what is.  And people who are so good and beautiful inside are beautiful outside too.  Remember, weight is only one number, and beauty can't be described with numbers!

So keep up your weight loss goals, and take care of yourself, and remind yourself occasionally how beautiful and sexy you really are!

Dgny forget him!  I am married for 18 years and have gone up and down the scale more than once.  When I got pregnant with my second son, I gained 70 pounds!  My husband has loved me whether I am a size 14 or 18!  The older you get the more you realize that kind of stuff is just minor.  

If this guy is soo immature to say something soo stupid, forget him!  Life is hard enough!  There are plenty of men that will find you attractive and like you for who you are.  Besides that, I have decided the average male likes meat on his gal.  Maybe not overly so buttt they like the curves, big boobs, etc.  It is the "industry" that has tried to make both men and women think that women that look like boys or the cartoon image of a female that has had soo much plastic surgery done they can't even open their lips is what we all think to be attractive! Poppycock!

 I think men and women are sick and tired of being told by the "industry" what we think is sexy!  So, you work on yourself, find who you are, get to the weight you are comfortable at and the right guy will show up!  This guy isn't even worth a second sniffle!  

I don't think I would. I mean, what if he wants to say he is sorry so he can feel better. Who care's about what he says b/c u will never see him again. And do u think that if he talks to you that it will make you feel better? What's said is said and he meant it. what did you friend say about him? I bet he isn't that great of a looker and maybe put you down to make himself feel better.

And like many say, ther are so many men out there and that will appreciate you for who you are. I mean, I have a husband who loves me for me. And he is pretty slim and really good looking. So don't let him get to you. You deserve better.

if he makes you cry hes not worth your tears.. and no one can make you feel inferior without your concent! ...... always remember that!  they are two of my favorite quotes.

What a JERK!!   First of all...32 is NOT old by any means.  And I agree with many of the other comments.  Sounds like the type of guy that will find something mean to say about anyone just for the sake of being mean, no one will ever be good enough for him.

you can use his harsh words as a modivating force to win the battle of the bulge?  I knew a  guy who was told he was a Zero
and he used those words to become a Dotor.  He went to school for like 10 years. 

after the weight is ALL off.  Be sure to locate him without him knowing you know he's there....then be sure to walk by him looking hot and nonshalant.  Maybe have on a Black or Red Dress.  You can even smile sweetly. 

If he tries to talk to you then you can say to his face I don't
date someone like you.  You're too SHALLOW. 

In life, the most important thing is how you view yourself.  When the words of another no longer bothers you because you are comfortable with your own skin...that is when you know you are beautiful.

I think you were so right to leave when you did. If he could casually insult you so severely, then it could just keep happening until you were so beaten down you felt miserable. I've been reading this book "He's Just Not That Into You" and it has some great advice on this sort of thing. You are a valuable person and even acknowledging his apologies would be a waste of your precious time.

I hope you feel healthier since the 11 lbs and understand you are valuable no matter what size! Move on and find a guy who realizes that.