I can't do this

Hi Everyone. I had an eating disorder when I was 14. I was anorexic for about 6 months, then I started bingeing and it has been like that pretty much ever since. I am now 26. I have been up and down in my weight for the past 12 years. The past few years I've lost the weight quickly by exercising alot and eating very little - this just would lead me to gain the weight back again. Grr. So I'm back 40lbs over where I would like to be and I'm ready to get rid of it again. Somehow I can't stop from exercising twice a day and eating very little again. I just can't eat more than 800-1000 calories a day. I know its not right, but I feel like I have failed if I eat more. I guess I just don't have patience to lose this weight over 6 months b/c I know that I can do it in less than 3. I'm not a stupid person, but I just don't understand why I can't get it through my head that this won't work just like it hasn't worked in the past. Is anyone in the same boat?

I am not in exactly the same situation but i can hear you and I can understand your situation.  I am 37 and about 20 pounds over where I want to be.  I din't have an eating disorder but I know what you mean about loosing it faster than you should.  I get really adicted to dieting when I am doing it and see the results.  If they don't come fast enough I try to eat less and work out more.  The trick is you need to realize, every minute of the day if you have to, that it is not healthy and you can't kick yourself for eating.  We have to eat to be healthy.

Every day is a new day.  I feel like if I ate 1800 calories the day before, this is a new day and i will only eat the 1500 I am alotting myself.  You really need to to eat at least 1200 to 1400 claories a day or your metabolism will nearly shut down and you WILL gain the weight back after you stop eating so few calories a day.

If you need to talk please le tme know and I will be there for you.  I love this site and it has really helped me stay on track.  Enter your food, weight loss and activities religously and it could help. 

You haven't mentioned if you went to counseling for your eating disorder. My sis was anorexic and buliemic during high school too. I'd talk to a doc to see what a good building cal intake would be, and then go from there. This site is great for support, but I think you should talk to a medical professional about the best course of action for you.

You need to ask yourself if you want to lose the weight quickly (and dangerously) or take twice the time to lose it in a healthy way and keep it off for good? I personally have about 50 pounds to lose and am down 10 in about 7 weeks. It isn't a lot, but I know that weight will never come back so I was glad to see it go, even if it took a while. I also still eat the foods I want to, just in moderation, so I don't have to feel like I am "dieting". More like watching what I eat and exercising regularly.

Part of me, and everyone, probably wants to try the lose weight quick schemes, but using this site should teach you that if you want to permanently lose weight, you should aim for 1-2 pounds weight loss per week.

As hard as it is you just need to put those thoughts out of your head.  I dealt with an ED for 8 years and I've been in recovery for nearly 3. It's so hard to change your habits. Just remember that it's a lifestyle change that needs to be approached one day at a time. You don't want instant weight loss, cuz it will only lead to instant weight gain. I try to pick one thing to focus on, once i've  mastered it I'll add another.   Food is my biggest issue so i focus on that most. And as long as i meet all my food requirements then I'll add in exercise. You just gotta do what's best and healthy for your body while trying not to get entangled in the mental issues. 

I went to a few counseling sessions in HS.  But my parents refused to pay for them after the initial ones that the insurance covered (about 6).  My mom took me to a pediatrician who really didn't know what he was doing - and after I started gaining weight, they all thought that I was cured.  I went to my current doctor about this - he looked at me like I had two heads - he couldn't understand what bingeing uncontrollably was and told me to eat less carbs - he laughed at me when he saw how much weight I've gained in a short time - idiot!  I go to a therapist now, but we have been more dealing with some of my other problems - I have slight depression, I have a difficult relationship with my mother that I'm working on, I have self-esteem issues and now I have bf issues as well.  We haven't talked much about the food.  Some how I just feel that if I'm not thin, then I can't be happy.  I feel self-conscious around my co-workers, my family, the people at the supermarket etc.  I feel that if I'm thin, all the problems will go away, when I know they won't because they haven't in the past.  I feel like my dieting, bingeing and drinking is related to my self-esteem issues and my mild depression - I figured if I can work on those, the food would improve and I wouldn't feel the need to starve/binge.  On the other hand, losing weight is like a project for me.  I chart everything, I weigh all food down to the last drop and count every calorie, I make forecasts as to when I will be at a certain weight - I feel like I'm the CFO at a company where calories are my dollars and cents.

Thanks for all the responses.  One more thing, you all talk about healthy, I wish that I knew what that was anymore.  Healthy calories, healthy exercise amounts - I have no idea anymore.  After losing weight exercising 3 hours a day 7 days a week, 1 hour a day 5 days a week just seems like nothing.

you migth lose it in less than trhee, but for the past 12 yrs u`ve ended up putting it back on.  don't worry about how long (or not) it'll take, but about it sticking.  that's my new goal (i used to be like you).

Dear Katethegreat,

I hear you and I feel for you. I am the opposite of what you are doing to yourself. I overeat, gain then lose, then start the cycle again. But I am getting better all the time and I feel good about where I am and what I am doing now. My cycles are much farther apart now. The key for me has been to figure out what healthy is and to aim for it. I get sidetracked by weight and calories to be sure, but now I can swing my emphasis back to healthy.

I downloaded the DASH diet from a website because DH and I need to watch cholesteral and salt. (We are older.) This website also has excellent diet advice. Find out what the dietary recommendations are and make new goals to meet them. Instead of focusing on weight, look at your food log and the analysis. Challenge yourself to look at daily recommendations as far as fat/protien/carb ratios and salt, fiber, cholesteral intake. Look at your vitamin intake. Focus on getting those right. Try it for a day. Then two. Go slow. Give yourself a chance to bounce between old habits and new.

I think that professional counseling is absolutely essential to deal with body image issues. If you feel like you are endangering your health, and your message seems to be saying that you feel like you are, then please seek that counselling assistance. It really will help you be all that you want to be.

Well if you think about it, taking half the time to lose the weight doesn't help you to develop healthy habits which will allow you to sustain the weight loss. 

I'm no where near "in the same boat," but I will say every time I restricted intensely, I always ended up binging and never learning good habits. 

You may want to look at and take some of the advice this website gives you.  For example, only eating 1000 calories is not recommended.  You need a certain amount of calories just to live everyday and do normal tasks.  You can find an estimate of this amount by taking your current weight and adding a zero to it.  So if you weigh 160, you'll need about 1600 calories just to get up and walk. 

So think about it. If you weight that much, cut your calories by half, your body is going to freak out and it will be harder to lose weight because your body goes into starvation mode.

Long story short, the instant gratification of losing weight is unsustainable in the long run. 

Well that's kind of the hard part too.  I have never hit starvation mode or anything like that.  I have always lost at the rate that I had calculated.  I have never had trouble losing weight eating this way.  That's why its so hard for me to stop, or to do it differently.

Original Post by katethegreat:

On the other hand, losing weight is like a project for me.  I chart everything, I weigh all food down to the last drop and count every calorie, I make forecasts as to when I will be at a certain weight - I feel like I'm the CFO at a company where calories are my dollars and cents.

You put that really well; I think a lot of us are in that boat. The thing is, it can become your life project and a whole lot of other more worthwhile things can get put aside b/c you only focus on one, superficial thing. (Been there, done that.)

Do you want your life to be all about what goes in your mouth and what size jeans you wear? There is so much more, and when the call of the diet comes, try to strive for just being healthy and let nature do its job.

 

Hey Ashley.  I know how you feel.  I did the exact same thing when I was your age.  I never vomited (couldn't bring myself to do it) I used laxatives instead.  All I can say, is that you need to get some help now!  Its not going to get better unless you deal with your self-esteem problems and other issues that might be going on.  Will your parents get you some help?  If not, you may have resources at your school.  I know what you are talking about that doctors and therapists ignore this stuff if they are not familiar unless all your bones are sticking out of your body.  You need to stop vomiting TODAY - NOW.  I know its easier said than done.  Then you need to get help!!  Let me know if you want to talk.  I know this sucks, but since you just started 3 weeks or so ago, it will be a faster recovery for you I think - the longer you go on, the harder it will be to break the habit.

A lot of eating disorders are about control. So, getting advice and help on those issues could help with the eating disorders, but your therapist needs to know everything so that you can get the proper advice.

katethegreat,

Unfortunately your restricting has led you to binge and this created this yo-yo dieting you have been experiencing which leads to dieting desperation, self-esteem issues, health problems and insecurity.

As an adult woman you need to eat no less than 1200 calories a day.

Please know that Calorie Count cannot and will not support you eating less than 1200 calories a day. We consider this unhealthy and CC is all about HEALTHY weight loss or weight maintenance. Any posts which promotes or supports such a diet or violates the spirit of Calorie Count are subject to deletion or moderation.

From Mary Hartley, Calorie Count's Director of Nutrition: "By eating only 800 calories, you will not get enough energy, protein, fiber, vitamins, minerals and other components of food. In time, you could become malnourished, which can cause severe health risks such as respiratory infections, kidney failure, blindness, heart attack and even death."

Here is a brief reason why never less than 1200 from the Advice section of Calorie Count Plus, under the Q&A tab:

Why must I eat at least 1,200 calories a day when I want to eat less?

In order to get the daily food servings you need for a balanced diet, it takes about 1200 calories a day. With careful planning, you could have a balanced diet on 1000 calories, but the restrictiveness of a very low calorie level can lead to binging and weight cycling, which will take you further from your weight loss goal. What's more, very low calorie diets can cause excessive muscle breakdown and metabolic adaptations, which can drive down your calorie requirements. In the end, you'll need fewer calories to maintain a higher weight

Your body needs at least 1200 calories per day to survive.

Here is a very rough scientific break down provided by a dietician for a 5' 2", 19 year old female weighing approximately 100 pounds, sitting around all day and doing nothing:

-The heart needs 12% of the calories (144 cals)
-The kidney needs 12% of the calories (144 cals)
-The Liver needs 23% of the calories (276 cals)
-The brain needs 23% of the calories (276 cals)
-The skeletal muscle needs 30% of the calories (360 cals)

I think that you would benefit greatly from using the Tools on this site to establish a healthy calorie intake so you can lose the weight you want to lose at an appropriate and controllable speed. However, given your history of eating disorders I think that you should check with a counselor or nutritionist before you embark on a weight loss plan.

As you are currently still experiencing restriction and binge cycles I think the first thing you need to do is get your steady state eating habits under control. Please consult with professional help outside of Calorie Count for this.

I think you cannot get it through your head that 800 calories isn't healthy because you still have thoughts in your mind from your former experiences with eating disorders. Talking to a professional and getting help should be able to help you with this so you can approach food and dieting in a more healthy manner.

In the long run it will benefit you as you will be able to lose weight and keep it off.

We hope that you find the positive, healthy support you need, please let us know how we can help.

Caloricat - wow, you're right, its exactly how I feel.  I just also feel sometimes that I can accept myself for who I am, I know I'm not a bad person.  I just feel embarassed being 30lbs over weight.  I feel like everyone is looking at me asking themselves "god, when is she gonna lose that weight?"  Or, "she doesn't really need to eat that or at all!"  I feel that I can take it slow if it was just me, but I feel that I want to hurry up and lose the weight so that there is less time for people to think those thoughts about me.

What is healthy is a complete blur at the moment.  I have no idea.  I don't remember a time not worrying about what I eat.  I read the post about the girl that got too obsessive with counting - I know I am.  I obsess about everything!  It's my personality.  I go from obsessing about one thing to obsessing about something else constantly.  When I am at this weight, I just feel horrible about eating anything!  I feel horrific guilt about every morsel of food that I put in my mouth.

My life for the past years has revolved around cycles of bingeing and dieting.  When I binge, I feel horrible, I go to work, watch TV and sleep.  That's it.  When I'm in diet mode, I workout morning and night and watch TV and sleep.  I don't do anything social during either cycle as I'm either too embarassed or in "diet mode" thus too exhausted.  I don't have friends around where I live, not that I make an effort.  It has just been like this for such a long time that this is MY normal.