Can't you just be proud of me?

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My parents did something similar when I was in school. We had an agreement that I would get an "allowance" every month to pay for rent and groceries because it cost the same to live off campus as on campus. Long story short, when I got a job during school, they cut off the allowance without telling me. Basically, I was saving nearly every penny I earned at work and they assumed I was spending it all.

When I called them up to figure out what was going on, my mom said: "Your dad works very hard for his money and thinks you're taking advantage." WHAT? Are you joking? I was so upset. I was a very hard-working student. In fact, I did Running Start in high school so I completed two full years of college for free. They didn't have to pay a thing; the school district paid my tuition. Then, I transferred to a state college and won a scholarship. Aside from the living expenses, they only had to cover 50% of in-state tuition. Since I was considered a junior in the college's eyes, I was able to take evening classes and maximized my time by getting a day job.  It's not like I was making a ton of money; it was barely above minimum wage. In any case, they thought I was recklessly spending the money so they stopped paying for my rent and groceries. Three years later, I don't care about the money, but the emotional aspect still stings.

I actually have a mom who was worse. Now she is old and mellow but the lessons she taught me in a nutshell were:

Compassion for her. She will never understand the joys that most parents (grandparents and now greatgrandparents) take for granted. That is sad.

I am of her. I do not belong to her. I am a not an apple from a tree. I am a being with my own unique spirit and not a reflection of my mom.

I can find other people who will serve as parents (my dad died when I was small). In my forties I still reach out to those beings with qualities I need or admire. I have been lucky to have many fine folk serve as mentors and temporary moms. You'd be surprised by the number of people happy to adopt you. I am still close with a college professor I reached out to more than 20 years ago and I still find him wise and kind.

My mom will never be who I wish she would be. She will be who she is, no matter what I, or anyone else does. I can choose to love her as she is, or not at all. Regardless of my choice, she will always be my mom.

I am wonderful. I learned that because my mom first taught me I was not and I could not accept her version of the truth. I learned that I was wonderful because I shared my triumphs, and my bruises, with people capable of cheering me on.

Congratulations! It sounds like you've worked really hard and you deserve this chance to make a great life for yourself. Good luck. :)

A couple of things come to mind ...

1. Your dad sounds like a jerk. (And just like my dad used to sound, for the record.)

2. Congratulations ... I'm proud of you!

3. My adult life was much more peaceful when I finally came to terms with the fact that I would never understand nor live up to the expectations of my parents. It really was very freeing to realize that we were very different, shared different values, and were better off living in separate states.

((( hug )))

Well looking at it from the other side...I really don't get the sense of entitlement that so many people have. I guess because I had to pay for all of my education myself...my parents loaned me some $$, but I paid it all back, the rest I had to take out student loans (which I am STILL paying back), and also worked the entire time, sometimes full time, sometimes several jobs at a time. Yeah a little help would have been appreciated, but certainly not expected. Now that I might have some step-children in the not too distanst future, who will be approaching that age, I have to confess I am a little scared that they will ask for money for school. I can barely support myself, so yeah it's a bit concerning. Maybe your dad is just tapped out and scared you would ask for more and he felt guilty he wouldn't be able to provide.

This does not really sound like the case though. I read some of your past posts. Your dad just sounds like a tool. I guess we have to look for encouragement and support from those who are willing to give it, not all parents know how to.

Congrats on your accomplisments, you have a right to be proud!

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Congratulations!!!  That is a tremendous accomplishment.  I'm sorry that your father can't be supportive, but I'll pass on some advice that I've found invaluable:

It's HIS problem, not yours.  Don't let him make his shortcomings into your problems.  You rock.

First off, congratulations! You have made great accomplishments and you are headed for a successful future.

I have had similar bouts with my parents. They will give my brothers, who do not work or go to school, whatever they need. They complain how they have to pay for my on campus housing and 25% of my schooling (I have a scholarhip that pays for 75%). They say they are going to cut me off soon. They are very wealthy and have plenty of money.

What people here on CC have told me is, perhaps your father thinks that if he starts paying for you and "making life easy" that you will become lazy and slack off. Or, perhaps he is jealous that he never did well in school and is expressing his jealousy. Either way, it sounds like you cannot please him. Instead of trying to win his appreciation, get it from people you know who are proud of you. Trust me, you will be happier that way.

Congratulations!  The problem is not you it's your dad.  For whatever reason he just doesn't get it or is unable to provide emotional support.  This is not your problem or failing, it is his.

Your boyfriends family probably feels sorrier for your family that they're missing out on the great connection that they're developing with you.  Just relax and let them be the nice caring people that they sound like and be yourself around them.  You'll both benefit from it.

It's sad that you have to come to a website to get your well-deserved kudos from random strangers instead of getting them from the people whose opinions you value the most.

Don't let your amazing accomplishment be sullied by his inability to accept it. You've done good. You know you've done good.

... and for the record, without having met this guy, I'm fairly convinced he's a f**king douchebag. Please feel free to mention to him that there's at least one person on the 'net who thinks he needs a slap up side the head to learn to respect and cherish the accomplishments of the people closest to him, before he drives them all away with his self-absorbed crap.

Original Post by victoriagirl:

Well looking at it from the other side...I really don't get the sense of entitlement that so many people have. 

I agree. I also had to work full-time to pay for school.

However, I understand where you're coming from. I was accepted into a Master's program overseas with a 50% scholarship (and the cost far, far lower than in the US) and my parents never gave so much as a "Congrats" either. Eventually you just deal with it and move on because you know it'll never change. 

Congrats though. It's a great accomplishment. Be proud of yourself. :)

My parents told me I was not to go to college because I didn't know what I wanted to do.  My dad said he would not pay for me to be a liberal arts major.  I eventually made it to cosmetology school but because I was already 25 I couldn't support myself with no book and there was no way to build a book working 2 jobs.  All of my cousins and my brother have graduated or are in college.  The older I get, the more I regret not being able to have had that college expreience, living in a dorm, etc.  More importantly I am stuck in a dead-end, though well paying job that I hate.  The worst part is, I still don't know what I want to do!!

Your father just lost his daughter by his own actions.  I feel sorry for him.

You, on the other hand, deserve every good thing life brings you.  You've worked hard to get where you are and there's not a doubt in my mind that you'll go on and continue to do well.  You remind me of my daughter - self sufficient and never asks me for anything.  As a result, I give her everything I'm able to give her.

Ruining a relationship with a child is a huge mistake and one I see parents make, over the most petty things. 

I really can't understand your dad, or others like him.  You work your ass off and do well in college and he's a total grudge about it.  It sounds like he has some serious issues with his own self-esteem if he has to make you feel like crap about what you've achieved.  

Maybe he's having some problems of his own that are making him extra-obnoxious these days.  The economy is in the tank and lots of people have lost a buttload of money on their savings and investments.  Just a thought.

Original Post by dattaplot54321:

Thanks for the support guys!  I'm trying to accept that this is the way my father is and always will be.  I have a great boyfriend and his family is great too.  They're always inviting me to spend special occasions with them, but I just feel weird.  I feel like they feel sorry for me because of my family, and it's hard to get close to them because of that.  I really want to feel like a part of a family, but I don't feel like I'll get to have that until I have a family of my own.

This sounds just like my boyfriend.  He says he feels uncomfortable in family situations and is suspicious when my parents want to spend time with us both.  For his family to do this would mean that they want something, whereas mine just want to enjoy our company.

He is slowly getting there but it has taken 11 years so far to make him realise that not everyone has a hidden agenda. 

So where you think they feel sorry for you it's more likely to be because you are part of their family now and they just want to hang out with you.

Oh gosh, I am so sorry that is has to be this way. You're doing so much more than alot of us out here so know that you have people like me looking up to you. Maybe he will come around.. I hope that he will call you back and apoligize (if he hasen't already). *hugs* Thinking positive is the way to go. Smile when you're sad, laugh when you're mad! I know that's corny but it's just a way of looking at things.

Yes you will have to take that 'screw him' line. Maybe even just let him know how you feel, not because you expect any change from him but for yourself. It'll do you some good to get it off your chest. That way its out there if he ever realises he's such a jerk. But at least it won't be holding you down. Your dad could also be jealous. I mean I'm jealous, its not something everyone does, getting to the top 10. I'm not sure what your dad's background is, he could also be sexist. Who knows but his attitude hasn't been holding you back and that's something to be proud of as well. You're a strong person.

BIG CONGRATS!

Congratulations to you on a job well done!

That said, I am sorry that your father could not react the way he should have.  You will find that disappointment following you throughout your life until you realize that perhaps it is not within his chemical makeup to be any other way. 

Stop seeking his approval.  Love him for himself, faults and all.  One day he will look back and realize how much he missed because he is short-sighted.  Do not let his attitude dampen your amazing accomplishments, now or in the future. Please realize that people are different....perhaps his background precludes him to act this way.  When you are calmed down....sit him down, explain how you feel in an adult manner and tell him you will not be taking his scraps of love any longer.  Let him know you love him as your father, but you do not respect him as a person or a man.

Be brave, be honest and claim your life as a beautiful young adult.

Good job Datta. Best of luck with grad school.

Learn from your father's mistakes.

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Original Post by compoundkid:

Original Post by dattaplot54321:

Thanks for the support guys!  I'm trying to accept that this is the way my father is and always will be.  I have a great boyfriend and his family is great too.  They're always inviting me to spend special occasions with them, but I just feel weird.  I feel like they feel sorry for me because of my family, and it's hard to get close to them because of that.  I really want to feel like a part of a family, but I don't feel like I'll get to have that until I have a family of my own.

This sounds just like my boyfriend.  He says he feels uncomfortable in family situations and is suspicious when my parents want to spend time with us both.  For his family to do this would mean that they want something, whereas mine just want to enjoy our company.

He is slowly getting there but it has taken 11 years so far to make him realise that not everyone has a hidden agenda. 

So where you think they feel sorry for you it's more likely to be because you are part of their family now and they just want to hang out with you.

Sure they've got a hidden agenda...they want to see the wonderful kid that they raised and the bf you chose is probably pretty cool too.  Some people just don't have a hidden agenda with manipulative or bad intentions.