I can't stop crying

I know I'm big. But I just didn't realize that I was the biggest in my family and it just hurts so much. I feel like I'm choking. I just want this all to go away so badly, I can hardly stand it.

I want to cry, but I feel stupid about it and now, I just feel like some monster even in my own home. I know it's not a big issue. I'm not dying, there are worst things, but for some reason it just hurts me so much and I just can't make the feeling stop. I just want to hide and rant and cry and scream all at the same time. I just hate myself.

I feel disgusted. I feel out of control, and it has nothing to do with the diet. I just want all this to go away. I'm praying this diet works...I just don't know what else to do.

Hey Hun,

I totally understand how ya feel.  At one point in time I was pushing close to 350 lbs.  Two years ago I was at 305.  I'm now at 262, after finding out I have diabetes.  So I guess you could say I got a little motivated.  That and The Biggest Loser has been my total guideline and inspiration. 

I don't know how "big" is to ya, but I can definately relate about being the biggest in the family.  I have had weight issues all my life and a mother that has harped incessantly my whole life, making me feel worse about myself.  The rest of my family is either skinny, or just mildly overweight, and currently, even tho they have all lost weight...I'm still the big one in the family.

It sucks.  I know.  And it's hard...I DEFINATELY know.  But hang in there hun.  It will get better and easier as ya lose weight.  Just remember.  There are no quick fixes.  It took us years to get where we are at, and it's gonna be a BITCH to get it off...it's hard...but we can do it !  

And if you have an off day (I do...we are only human) don't throw in the towel.  Pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and get back on that horse and keep on pluggin!  We are here to help ya!  We all need a kick in the pants...we all need support...we all screw up.  Just stay strong because you are!  You can do it!

Took me until the age of 35 to smarten up and get serious and realize I'm tired of being fat...that and the diabetes diagnoses.  But I'm as serious as ever about proving to myself that I can do this!  And I have disappointing days and weeks where it just doesn't seem like it is going right no matter how hard I try.  It happens.  Just keep hanging in there!  Don't give up!  You are worth it!

Cindy

Chin Up!!!  You can and will do this because it sounds like you really want to make this happen.

First things first...Change your attitude, about yourself and about food.  Focus on something other than food being the most important thing in your life.  What do you like doing for entertainment?  Do a lot of it.

Stop weighing yourself at this point.  Your clothes will tell you where you're at.  Have someone take your picture once a week wearing the same thing.  Study them, look for thinner face for starters.

Eat only at meal time and maybe a small afternoon snack & when your evening is near an end, reward yourself IF you've been "good", with a 100 cal pack of pop corn & a diet drink. 

Look for foods for your meals that are low in calories & you can have a lot of.  At the beginning be more concerned about the calorie count rather than the portion size, that will come.  Eat ONLY after you've plated everything & when it's gone, STOP.  There are so many healthy, low cal options...fruits & veggies are great.  You can eat cupsful and hardly take in any calories & you'll be full.

1 1/2 years ago I was wearing size 3x (size 24).  For the last 6 months I'm in size 4's & 6's & maintaining.  No, not always easy but not as hard as I thought.

Learn to tell yourself...I don't want/can't have that and walk away.  Don't make it harder than it should be...it should be fun to go to sleep at night feeling good about the temptations you passed up that day & great to do the same when you wake up the next morning.

Planning ahead is a big help.  Don't wait until you're hungry & then eat what you see.  You have to have something ready to heat or eat.

Good Luck!  You know you can do this...and only you can do it for yourself.  YOU GO GIRL !!!

Diet or no diet..you're not a monster. I feel your frustration and your pain, and I'm so sorry you're hurting, Sweetie.

I don't know what else is going on in your life besides your struggle with your weight, but..whatever it is, I hope you don't kick yourself too much or allow it all to drag you down.

Hang in there, okay?

The fact is that it's not going to go away and crying etc., isn't going to help.   That might sound harsh but I'd like you to get past the self-pity & disgust & hurt... (that's over now)....  and move on to an action plan that's actually going to make a difference.  Praying doesn't make a diet work... but you can.

Do resist the temptation to make radical sweeping changes all in one hit.   You're more likely to be successful if you tackle bad eating habits and replace them gradually with better ones.  For example.....  someone that isn't in the habit of eating breakfast could make their first task to get a healthy breakfast every day.   Someone that doesn't eat many fruit and vegetables could have a challenge to get five-a-day fruit and veg... and base the rest of their meals around them.   You could opt to eat more grilled food and less fried food.  You could replace sugary snacks with fruit.  Simple dietary changes like that can get the ball rolling more effectively than you might think.

The flipside  to a better diet is more movement, exercise.  Anything counts that isn't sat down in front of the TV, behind a desk or behind the wheel of a car.  If you have a pair of shoes and a handy pavement..... spend half an hour going for a walk.  If you have stairs in your home, walk up and down them for twenty minutes.   If you have access to gyms or swimming pools... excellent.  If a friend would like to join you at a dancing class... give it a go.

Small changes will make a big difference and the quicker you get started the quicker you'll feel good about yourself and you'll start to see things change.  Best of luck

this is also how i feel :[

I too have been the biggest in my family...and always felt like the "ugly, fat one"...but, I can promise you that eating healthy and excersizing DOES work....and the best thing about it is the almost instant feeling of happiness and overall well being that doing the "right" thing gives you. You will feel so good after you choose to take a walk (or whatever activity you can) and seeing the scale go down. (It isn't always easy...and I am not saying you will always be happy...but, it will give you confidence to go on) It does take a long time for dramatic weight loss, but your self esteem will improve when you committ to a new healthy way of living and the weight loss is like icing on the cake (or light cheese sauce on broccoli...LOL) You can do this...so many of us have! I am still the heaviest sister in my family...but I feel good about myself, and I know what I have learned about eating well and excersizing will help me stay strong and healthy my whole life....and that feels so good! Keep working at it and be realistic about your goals. Soon, you will be giving others a pep talk and helping them along :)

Hey Jaefuma

I have been exactly where you are now, and felt all those things. I am from a 'big' family (Big as in tall and well built), and 2 years ago I was the biggest of them all at 330 pounds. I was 120 pounds heavier than my 6 foot 4 big brother and 80 pounds heavier than my 6 foot Dad! I hated myself and felt disgusted too.

2 years on and I have dropped 120 pounds and am now the second smallest in the family! It does take a lot of time, but slowly does it and you will get there. Make a series of mini-goals and reward yourself for your acheivements. You have already made a start by joining this forum and beleive me it is a massive help!

Don't let it defeat you. Can I ask, what is your height & weight?

Jaefuma:  I was also the biggest one in my family, the fattest friend, the largest staff member in my program at work, all that.  It does suck, but on the other hand, knowing about it doesn't make you bigger than you were when you didn't know - just like learning the number of the scale doesn't make you fatter.  You are where you are.

It IS very difficult to control our feelings.  It is much easier to change our thoughts and it sounds like you've used the information that you are larger than other family members to slap yourself around.  Write down all the things you are thinking about being the biggest one.  Now, read it over:  Is it okay to talk to yourself like that?  Are these thoughts true?  If true, are they helpful?

gijane is right that feeling bad about yourself will not make the weight come off.  For me, it keeps the weight on, because I want to avoid those thoughts and feelings and the easiest way is to eat myself into a coma!  Abusing myself with food, eating to avoid reality, all of this was supported by years of verbal abuse between my ears.  I spent years wishing I didn't have a weight problem and hating myself because I did.  Didn't take the weight off.

Accepting reality and working to change what I have the power to change has been the key for me.  Changing my thoughts about myself, the messages I send myself every day, HAS helped me lose weight.  I am in "regular" size clothes now, I am not the largest family member, employee, friend.  Far more importantly, I am eating healthy, exercising and being kind to myself.

Listen to all the good advice on this thread - most people are saying things like

Stop being so hard on yourself

Focus on what you can do today - don't look forward or back

It's a long road and hard work but you can do it

Do the best you can, accept that you are not perfect, keep going

Take care...

jaefuma,

hang in there. i have been in that mental place before, and it's bad. please try to focus on small improvements and whatever victories you are having along the way. try not to make too many changes at once and you WILL have success - this will not just be another failed "diet", but will become a way of life. set some small goals for yourself - for instance, upping fruits and veggies or getting even ten minutes of activity. focus on one goal at a time, and use the success from one goal to propel you to another, maybe more challenging, goal.

and above all else, be patient with yourself and kind to yourself. you're not a monster, you're a human being. remember that this is a journey, and it might take a while to reach your destination. feelings will come and go as you work through your food issues... but remember that, no matter what - you can do it. 

jaefuma,

The first time I lost weight I went from 189lbs to 129lbs.  All the way through my diet I hated my body, got mad at myself everytime I binged, wouldn't even eat a little peice of chocolate or packet of crisps.  Yeh I lost the weight, but I still wasn't happy.  I thought once I'd lost the weight, that's it I don't have to think about it anymore, I can do what I want. No worries.

And then I put all the weight back on and then some.  I'm now 212lbs, have lost 17lbs in 3 months, but I'm doing it right this time.  I don't hate my body, I don't care what other people think of my because I'm over weight and if I slip up, yeh I get upset, but I don't let it destroy my good work and get right back on that diet.

What I'm trying to say is you can think that losing weight will solve all your problems, will make you happy and that's it, everything's gonna be great and yeh you may be happier and healthy in body, but it doesn't always turn out that way.  Don't hate yourself, don't hate food and you'll get there in the end.  Enjoy the journey.

Thank all of you for your advice, support, and stories. It really does help alot more than you can imagine.

jaefuma, what you said sums up almost EXACTLY how I feel right now :c

I was doing so great until last week, where i gained back half the weight i had lost. I guess there's nothing left to do except pick myself up and start fresh on monday. As for you, I am so terribly sorry. Once you start losing weight and seeing results everything will be fine. I know this sounds cliche, but stay positive and never give up!! Good luck~   

All I can say is hun, don't give up and don't beat yourself up.  You are most definately not a monster.

Keep on going, and if you need any support remember that the majority of people here are very kind and helpful, so there's always someone to turn to.

It's difficult at first admittedly, but once you start to see results you'll feel great.  There's a light at the end of the tunnel (as lame as that sounds!)

Good luck :)

Aww sweetie, you're not a monster and you're not beyond hope.  Believe me when I say that you are in the right place for taking control of your weight.  I recommend you make use of all the tools available because they will help you immensely.  First and foremost please realize that you are not alone in this and there are a lot of good people here who are ready to help.  Take good care of yourself and love yourself honey.  You are NOT a monster.