Career or a baby?

Hello All,

I am 25 and just got married a year ago.  My husband and I both work full time.  I have a Bachelor's degree in Finance and having trouble finding a decent job due to the economy.  I work now as an admin assistant for the time being.  I feel like I am ready to have a baby and would rather be a stay at home mom, then try to go job hunting to pursue my career further.  We can both live off his salary (he has a good job) if we make adjustments, but he seems like he wants to wait a few more years to be more financially sound and to travel before we have kids. 

What should I do?  Is it selfish of me to have a baby and not go back to work for years?  I feel like I don't want to get too involved in my career knowing that we will both be ready within the next 3-5 years.  I also feel like if I try to pursue my career further I will quit in a few years and probably won't go back for a while.

First of all, this is a very personal decision and is one only you and your husband can make together. That being said, here are some of my thoughts:

You said he "seems like he wants to wait a few more years..." Does that mean you haven't had a discussion about this and it's just the feeling you get? Or has he outright said this? I can understand wanting to wait and experience life as a young, newly married couple. I can also understand wanting to start a family at a young age (I did) and enjoy post-children life together younger than most. About the financial situation, you'll never feel like you're prepared enough.

Selfish to have a baby and want to stay home and raise that child? No, not selfish at all. If I could, I would stay home with my kids until they're in school. But we can't afford it. My grandmother watched my daughter until she turned 4 and she now watches my son who is 10 months old. Since I can't stay home with them while they're young, my family is the next best thing. My husband wishes as much as I do that I could stay home with the kids while he works to support the entire family but it's just not possible right now.

Will you have to go back to school when you're ready to re-enter the workforce after having kids? I can tell you from personal experience that it's not easy going to school and caring for children. My children are my priority and I'd rather spend time with them than go to school. Once they are both in school then I'll consider returning and finishing.

Just a couple thoughts I had based on my personal experience. I think you need to talk it over with your husband and see what he thinks about it. It's a major decision and I wish you luck!

I'm not going to tell you what to do; but I'll share my story.

I got married to my DH and was with him for five years prior to having Julia a little over a year ago.  During that time we traveled, had fun, ate good food and did things together.  I could work 12-15 hours a day and wouldn't need to get home in time for any commitments.  I went out with my girlfreinds and didn't have to worry about picking men up or finding a date.  it was great I loved every minute of it.

Now; I've had to make a few adjustments.  I can no longer work 12-15 hours a day; I have to limit my hours because I have to pick Julia up.  So; I've gone mobile to stay in touch with work.  It's great.  And I get to spend time with Julia in the mornings and the evenings and I value my time with her.  We have fun; and she loves her sitter.

You can absolutely have a career and a child.  But you have to push and pull and give and take in different areas.  You have to sacrifice the nights-out or limit them-  which I'm ok with b/c I got it out of my system.

However-  and I bring up this point becuase I'm questioning a few things in my life- 

Is it better to start a marriage out by having a baby right away?  Or; is is better to get used to a life and then change everything about it with a baby?  I feel like I'm the only one that's made ajustments in my life; and my DH hasn't.  Which; leads me to the point that maybe it is better to have a baby right away in a marriage so that you and your partner don't know any other way but to HELP each other.  Becuase I often yell at myself for not paying enough attention to HIM but I have to pour all my attention to her.  ANd with the attention goes the affection.  All of that goes to her and none to him.  And I think we are starting to dislike eachother.

I don't want to scare you off about having babies-  becuase I know that feeling you have of being at point in your life where you need to make decisions.  But, think about the long-term affects.  Do you want to stay home every day?  Or; would you be open to finding a part time job just to get you out of the house and the baby into a class so he/she can socialize?  Many many questions!

But I will tell you this-  you can ABSOLUTELY have a career and excel at it and be a great momma.  You will just have to learn the art of balance and making sure you stay on top of EVERYTHING!! 

Well, the fact that you mentioned your husband would rather wait sends alarms off in my head. IMO, going through with starting your family before both parents are fully on board with the idea will cause intense resentment. He will love the child when it's bored, but he will resent it and you because he feels like his options have been cut off and doors that were open before just slammed shut. Then you will resent him for not having the same enthusiasm as you, which will lead to other problems--like not helping out when he needs to.

I am 23, my son is 18 months old, my husband is 25. I got pregnant 6 months after marriage. My pregnancy was not planned but we both knew at one point we would have children. We both agree that even 2 more years would have been immensely helpful.

My opinion is that you should wait. You just recently got married. I'm not sure how long you dated, but right now is the time to focus on your husband and your relationship--focus on making it as strong as possible. Work on keeping each other happy, even when you hit a bump or things are going so well. Because, when the baby is born, you will struggle. Women experience pregnancy first hand--their body has 9 months to adapt to becoming a mom--natural instincts kick in and suddenly you're a mom, without even consciously having to change anything.

Men don't get the grace period. They aren't fathers until the baby is born and there are no hormones to help them suddenly get a fathering instinct. I have asked several people, and the concensus is: men just kind of suck at being parents the first time around. When my husband and I had ours, there were some pretty intense moments of disagreement. Plus, we didn't communicate these feelings which made it worse. A lot of fathers actually get jealous of the time their wife is spending with the baby instead of them.

My point is, if he's not ready and excited to have a baby, it makes the situation much worse. My husband was excited to have our child, but in the same token, because we really wanted to wait, he felt resentment and anger. And I felt it towards him. Those feelings, coupled with the intense exhaution and overwhelming nature of newborns, adds a LOT of stress.

However, do NOT feel guilty about staying home. Parenting is a JOB too. 24/7 no breaks, for the rest of your life. Just because more women are working these days does not make the stereotype of the man working, woman raising children null and void. It was like that because it made sense. Trust me, I wish I could work part time or not at all than work and watch my son get second-rate childcare (from FAMILY). No one can raise your kids the way YOU want them raised. And it bothers me on a daily basis.

Is it better to start a marriage out by having a baby right away?  Or; is is better to get used to a life and then change everything about it with a baby?

You are already used to the life you have before the baby comes along, so either way its going to be a shell-shock. What you need to do is have a firm grip on yourself--know yourself--and nourish your relationship with your husband. Even (especially) after you have kids, keep that relationship your #1 priority because if it's suffering--then so are your kids. I think people forget that. It's definitely hard to move your kids to the back of your mind and actually spend quality time with your husband, which I think is why so many struggle after having kids.

Also--like bier said, you'll never really feel "financially ready" to have kids. When you get more money, you will find new ways to spend it, so there will never really be an excess. Don't plan your life around having kids. You will do that enough when you finally have them.

alp250 -

I faced the same question when I was your age.  Here is my story.

At 25, my DH was the breadwinner and my income didn't add much to our lifestyle.  I didn't really like my job and debated if I should keep working or get pregnant (so I'd have a good reason to quit).  I felt ready to have a baby and we were planning to have one in a few years so why not?  We were just getting to the point where we could afford to travel a few times a year and go to any concerts, sports events, etc that we wanted to.  I knew having a kid would really change our lives - not only from the financial aspect but because there would be no more deciding at lunch time to have a romantic date that evening. 

After much soul searching (it took me close to a year to make my move), I decided 1) if I hated my career, why not change it while I had the financial freedom to do so; 2) that there were several things I wanted to do that were dangerous enough that I really should try them before kids - like skydiving and hang gliding; and 3) that while theoretically we could do the travelling, etc we wanted to do before kids after they were grown - there were no guarentees, who knows what might happen in the (at least 18) years we would be financially responsible for kid(s). 

I knew that if I didn't have a chance to try the items above, I would always wonder "what if . . . ."  So I changed to a career that I adore, had a blast doing all the "dangerous" items on my list and took a few vacations with DH that I will always cherish.  After 5 years, we both felt ready for kids and started our family.  

As far as career is concerned, DH and I agreed long ago that one of us would stay home with our kids.  A piece of my heart wishes I could never leave my child's side, but reality is my son would rather be with the other kids and toys at daycare than be stuck with boring mommy all day.  And, sadly, I know I would feel isolated if I were home with him.  With my DH blessing, I returned to work after 12 weeks leave.  I have been very open with my boss and company regarding the implications being mommy has on my job - I need adjusted hours, I can not work late, etc. and have found they are very supportive. 

At 25 there were some things missing from my decision making that now being a mom I know are big factors.  The first is that having a kid is binding - you can get someone to watch your kid while you are on adults only vacation but there will never be a time when your child is not in your and DH's thoughts. The second is that you will have no time - at least early on, you live for your kid.  That doesn't mean you won't have time for yourself, just that your child's needs are your first priority and kids need a lot.  The third is how much it will really change your relationship with your DH both positively and negatively - seeing "daddy" will make you fall in love all over again but you might not be feeling that way when you are up in the middle of the night for the 10th time and he is still snoring.   

Good luck with your decision, I know its a tough one. 

Szath,

Thank you for that response.  That was what I really needed.  I think I really do have to change careers and see what else is in store for me.  I have a Bachelor's degree and it would be a shame to waste that!  Also, I think waiting a few more years would give us a great jump start on our mortgage and we will have more years of just "us" time. 

Again, your story was my exact dilemma, so you made me realize that maybe I do want to see where I can go with my career. 

Wow it was SO enlightening to read this thread. I am almost 34, and  met the right person only 3 years ago. We got married two years ago, and I am pregnant with my first child. I am really excited about this baby, but also a little anxious because I havent really got a career going yet. I moved continents to start a new life with him after a very difficult four years of graduate school. I got my PhD, but landed in the US in a time of intense financial crisis. I looked for academic jobs in the area for a while, but there were hardly any jobs. In the meantime a lot of my time was spent just settling down and finding my feet. Also, my interest in academia has waned almost completely.  I have since decided that I am not going to do long distance, and so thought of changing careers.But still havent figured out what else I could do.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I still havent figured out the career thing, and a part of me wonders whether I rushed into having a baby too soon. But I am 34, not 24, so there is a biological clock ticking. We definitely want more than one child. I have wanted kids since ever since I can remember, and theres no way I am questioning this decision.

I do wish I was younger and had more time to search for an alternative career and work for a few years before having kids, though, sometimes....but its a trade-off and you have to work out whats right for you. I am also hopeful that I will find something I like in a few years and then maybe embark on a different career.

Good luck to you alp250!