Career issues

Hi,

To start with I'm a 25yr old female. I'm a B.S in Comupter Science and MBA (Systems). I'm working in a software company as a Business analyst. I have plans to do my Ph.d from 2011. Things are pretty smooth in my professional life. I really enjoy my career.

Problem is with my love life. My bf is a B.S holder. He is working in a very good company as a program manager. He is a  very intelligent and smart guy. Over last six months he has been hinting that he feels insecure of our relationship because he is not as educated as me. He doesn't want me to do my Ph.D as he feels that it will lead to ego problem in the relationship.  I don't know what the hell is his problem.

We are having numerous fights over this issue. He reasons that career woman are not good mothers and can't have a good family life. I don't agree to this. Yes my Ph.D years will be hectic, but I beleive I can manage it with little help from him. But everytime we sit to discuss about this issue, he is bringing 'n' number of reasons for why i should not do my Ph.D

Yesterday while discussing about this he got really wild and said that " Our relationship won't continue unless you compromise with your Ph.D". Though i tried calling him several times, he didn't pick up the call.

What should i do now?Except that I'm sure i want to study further, I'm really clueless. How to deal with him? Has anybody been in the same situation. Am I being so selfish about my needs and education?

This isn't your problem, it's his.  The 'career women aren't good mothers' argument sounds bogus.   He may be intelligent but he's clearly insecure about something.... and it is not necessarily the qualification.

One of my hobbies is amateur dramatics..  My (ex) husband used to complain a little at the time I spent on it.... but he was a bit of a whiner.   One day he confessed that he didn't really like me going to the rehearsals etc., because 'you might meet someone else'.   Hadn't considered that one at all!

Your boyfriend could be thinking the same way... ie. that when you are doing the Ph.D you could be thrown in the path of some intellectual lothario that you are unable to resist...   He might not like the idea that you'll be tied up with studies and spending less time with him.  He could well feel miffed that you are cleverer or going to be earning more than he does.   He could be wanting to 'settle down' - the mother reference - and has very old-fashioned views about gender roles.  But something has put a bee in his bonnet and it could be something you don't expect.

If your Ph.D is important to you then go ahead and do it.  It's not selfish, it's who you want to be.  He'll either come around to the idea or you'll part company.  If you abandoned your plans, you'd only spend the rest of your life wondering 'what if?' and resenting him.  And you don't sound the type to settle for that.

I agree with gijane.  Get your Ph.D.  You need to take care of yourself in this world.  

He has control issues.   Stand your ground or he will continue to hold you down until you do not even recongize yourself any more.

If you wanted him to wait to get his Ph.D, you would be considered a bitch and be accused of sabotaging his career. 

You are not being selfish, you are making sure that you can support yourself, if you ever need to.

You should be willing to make compromises in any relationship.  Go skiing instead of to the beach for vacation, pizza tonight instead of chinese, staying out late with his friends when you'd really rather stay in for a rented movie....this is NOT one of those times.  Take care of yourself and reach your goals.  Don't let him dictate which goals you realize. 

I think he sounds incredibly selfish and pretty jerky.  You may have a great relationship, but sometimes all it takes is a big decision like this to rock a solid foundation.  If you cant reach a civilised and adult decision about this together as a couple then think about how much trouble the bigger things could cause: marriage, house, kids...

It really does sound like he is threatened by you being more educated, and quite possibly, the bigger wage earner in the relationship.  The argument about not being a good mother is absolute BS too.  My mum works full time and bought up 2 kids pretty much completely on her own.  She's the best mum I could have ever got. She's awesome!  Having kids shouldnt mean that you have no life and no identity other than being 'mom'

You have every right to educate yourself and if you want to do a PhD then you should go fo it.  Dont let any one stand in your way! 

yea, it sounds like your boyfriend has control issues.  He's being a terrible boyfriend by asking you not to get your phd.  This is something you should actually consider to be a relationship breaker...if he's like this about you getting your phd, how is he going to be if you get a promotion?  If you have a work trip and he needs to watch the kids?  You're not married...maybe you should have a  really good discussion about this with him and let him know how selfish he is being.  Tell him to take a good step back and look at the situation. 

Do you guys have kids already?  That would be a major consideration...although, I was five when my father got his Ph.D and my parents seemed to have done that right (although not with his career search afterwards...)...

If anything, his ultimatum is unnerving.  Doesn't sound like he's being honest with his concerns. 

I agree with the posts written here.  He appears to be selfish but may have some insecurity issues.  I am the breadwinner in our family. It bothers me more than my husband.  Any disagreements we have about it are usually instigated by me.  My husband is okay with it.  he even jokes that he got a sugar momma.  He has issues at work when it comes to time off issues and he tells them that my job comes first.  Today he is home for snow day and I am at work. If I wanted to go back to school he would support me 100%.  If getting your Phd will make you happy and make you feel more fulfilled in your life you should do it.  Relationships are hard work, but his request is unreasonable.

He sounds unreasonable and very insecure. I agree with the other replies. You need compromise in a relationship but this isn't something I would compromise on, if I were you.

My aunt has a Ph D. She's also got 2 kids (now grown) and she was an amazing mother. It didn't affect her mothering skills or her ability to be a loving wife. That is the most ludicrous thing I've heard!!!

If your boyfriend is that insecure about his own education, then it's up to him to make changes in his own life. He should go back to school or something if that's a big deal to him.

If he's not willing to accept this path that you're on, I'd move on and find someone who appreciates you for you. This is a sign of much worse problems to come later on if you end up staying with this guy and he's not willing to re-think his position on your education. This is a HUGE decision. It's not like deciding whether to order pizza or Chinese food for dinner.... for me personally, this isn't something I'd be willing to compromise or settle on for the sake of someone else's insecurity.

what a crybaby!  but to give the guy a little credit, at least he seems to understand his own motives.  if he didn't recognize that his ego was the problem, that would be a bigger problem.

i would let him pout for a couple of days, then try again to talk to him.  the fact is, whether or not you get your PhD isn't going to change how he feels about himself.  he needs to figure out what would make him feel more secure and go do it.

Original Post by bhoo:

Yesterday while discussing about this he got really wild and said that " Our relationship won't continue unless you compromise with your Ph.D". Though i tried calling him several times, he didn't pick up the call.

Here is the kicker for me. First of all, you not doing your PhD is NOT a "compromise" - it's a clear, 100% unadulterated victory for him and his fragile ego. I love how people define adopting their position 100% as a "compromise". Truth is, there is no compromise when the question is yes or no. You can't get half a PhD. And not picking up your calls is childish.

You are not being selfish, and furthermore you already know that you are not being selfish. I would have a good long discussion with him about how he views the role of men and women within marriage and family life - I am guessing that it involves you doing all the housework and childrearing, and he doesn't want you to be able to put any of it on him because you have a good career too. That would probably make for a miserable marriage and a miserable life, to be a smart, ambitious woman who is with someone who is against gender equality within marriage.

Good luck.

And really, just so you know, having kids while you are in grad school is completely the way to go....

He's being a control freak, its quite obvious he cant handle you being more educated or any of the collateral issues.  Maybe he truly wants something different that he doesnt think you can give with work/school etc.  Doesnt really matter--- his position is irrational.

Thanks for the response everybody.

There is some progress with my bf he said we'll discuss about it this weekend. Until then I have to think about the whole issue . Hope we reach a win-win solution.