A cautionary tale and a message of hope - I hope - for the New Year.

There's been an alarming amount of relapse, struggles and misery across this forum lately, in regards to disordered eating of all kinds. I know a lot of you have gone as far as to cry out because you've been scolded - this only because CC cannot allow the promotion of disordered behaviour, not as a personal attack. We will not make exceptions for the individual. That said, this is still a support community.

A few people have commented to me now that they've forgotten, amidst my moderating duties, that I also fight with an eating disorder. And yes, I fight it every single day. Every morning I wake up, when I go to make my breakfast. Every night I go to sleep and it tries to butt in, count how many calories I've had, get me to do some sit ups or star jumps before I tuck in. I resist it now, but I realise that those deeper in recovery can make it just look... easy, when it isn't.

So this is for those of you who are still stuck in the nightmare of low calorie diets and disordered eating and thinking. A message that you can get better, you can get help - but you have to help yourself.


"The female Peter Pan: How a woman of 23 terrified of growing up has taken to extreme dieting to give her the body of a 12-year-old" - Taken from The Daily Mail, Jan 03 2009

This article is not only a harrowing reality of the dangers of anorexia, severe restriction and the danger of eating too few calories, but in turn a way of showing that anorexia stems from reasons a lot deeper than something I know is commonly accused by the less-informed: the desire to just be thin for vanity or similar. The woman - yes, she is still a woman - in this article began restricting because, "'I found if I looked younger and took on a more fragile appearance it frightened off the bullies,' said Miss Hensley, the daughter of an optician and a legal secretary."

Of particular note should be one of the images in this article, which lists some of the associated dangers specifically.

Dangers of Extreme Dieting and Restriction - Image

"Severe weight loss can cause complications, including:

• Heart problems, including abnormal heart rhythm, low blood pressure, cardiac failure
• Osteoporosis - decreasing bone strength that makes fractures more likely
• Gastrointestinal disorders such as peptic ulcers
• Erosion of dental enamel
• Kidney problems
• Low white blood count leading to poor immune response
• Metabolic problems, including diffculty in maintaining normal body temperature
• Skin disorders including dry, scaly itching and a fine layer of hair over the body
• Impared fertility through cessation of periods
• Psychological difficulties, particularly at times of body change such as pregnancy"

The sad matter is that the woman in this article is still suffering, still slowly wasting away. Kind of counters the thing I wrote about, "it is possible to get better". As such, I offer my own tale thus far.

I know, far too many times, people have asked me in regards to my ED: "Why do you want to be so thin?" The truth is, I don't. More so now I am in recovery, but even then, I never did. It's not about thinness, but rather a struggle for control in one's life when it's felt there is no other way of obtaining it. I feared my future, feared if I would fail and let down my family and people I loved, but had no real way to control whether I succeeded or failed - even if I studied hard, worked hard and tried my best, I found (around the time of my own disorder's beginnings) that so much was falling apart around me.

I was sick with a then unknown diagnosis (lactose intolerance, it turns out), no one was replying to the dozens on dozens of CVs I gave out, exam pressure was on and my home life was in ribbons. My world felt out of control, and the only thing I had some control over was food. At first that was "comfort", not "control" as I emotionally ate whatever I could get my hands on. Then I vied to be "healthy and balanced" - and instead went completely the opposite way, from binges, to starving.

I came away from it all threatened with hospital, miserable. I had dry patches of skin and lanugo, a severe iron deficiency that still plagues me, hair loss and no period. Depressed, lonely, miserable. Suicidal tendencies had returned. I had sunken back into self-harm I was that low. And when I realised no number on the scale could console me, no amount of calories or lack thereof made it better - nothing at all - I got so fed up. "What's the point of killing myself like this?" I finally reached out to my then boyfriend. That was the smartest decision I'd made in months. It provided an epiphany.

Even though my boyfriend broke up with me the connection I made with my GP and getting set up with a team was vital. Reaching out, getting that help face to face. Don't get me wrong, I was scared out of my mind. Scared they'd dismiss me as just another girl that wanted to be thin to make the boys like her, to fit the prettier clothes, to fit in at all. What I really wanted was stability, happiness, and care.

When I look at it, I don't know why I thought I didn't get that love from my family already. It took my mum breaking down in tears in fear for my life after seeing me get out of the bath to have it REALLY hit home. For my sister, a grumpy gus most of the time, to pull me aside a few weeks after returning from Uni to try and talk to me. To tell me she too was honestly very scared for me. Even when my dad - who does not have the best history - told me he was "worried out of his mind", but had been wary of approaching it, I realised how unfounded my thoughts were. That the ED that comes in and plants a negative voice in your head is a liar.

I wasn't dismissed. I wasn't shunned. I was provided with a vital ring of support in my personal life that I could turn to. I have since added my college tutor to this circle and know things would be so much harder without them all. Family, friends, the lot.

I'm still fighting along. But I want to take from this experience positively, to provide advice and help where I can. That means that from time to time I'm going to be stern or blunt in regards to others that are asking for help - largely because I know how manipulative and cruel the voice of an ED can be and how tough you have to be with yourself to fight it. But do also know this: others I know that are in recovery too are some of the strongest people I have ever met.

So if you are someone eating far too little, or maintaining an underweight or dangerously low weight, know this - you're hurting yourself, and your family, your loved ones. You're killing yourself. But you can get better and be stronger; you just have to make the turnaround. You won't be pushed aside and you aren't undeserving. You don't require a diagnosis to be unwell. You don't have to be underweight to warrant help. You don't need fear stigma, or dismissal.

Reach out. Talk to someone.

If anything here does hit home with you, please look to these links:

Eating Disorders Health, Resources and Info Thread: Updated! - a list of help and resources for those struggling with eating disorders and disordered thinking, including helplines
An Unofficial Calorie Count Guide to a Fad-Free 2009 - a guide to avoiding dangerous, faddy and restrictive diets, including information on nutrition and balanced eating
http://www.something-fishy.org - a website dedicated to recovery from eating disorders of all kinds

If you fear or know you are suffering from disordered eating patterns, have been undergoing a restrictive diet or a sub-healthy calorie diet, are experiencing any of the symptoms listed alongside this please, go to your doctor.

If you have any of your own stories to share (positive, ideally), please, feel free. Either way I hope this article provides a cautionary tale, and my story, if anything, a sign it is possible to start getting better. It's a new year, a clean slate, and a fresh start for anyone that will grab it.

Thank you lala!

I fight the thoughts every day as well.  It's such a complicated struggle!  I want to be thin ner, but can accept that as a 'cover' for a need to control my world through my body....  All my fears, anxieties, worries get confused with a number on the scale.  I'm going to work hard this year to unravel the mess and somehow learn to accept things as they are and not constantly fight against reality.

Thank you for sharing your story Lala. It is easy for many of us to forget that, despite the fact you are a moderator who has so much knowledge and advice to share with those who need it, you are still fighting a daily battle like so many of us are. (PS I LOVE the t-shirt! I bought a heap load of Cookie Monster t-shirts and PJs yesterday! "Me Love Cookies" teehee)

My story: I changed from an all girls school to an all boys school to finish off my studies before going to university. It's hard for me to explain cos I don't fully understand it myself, but I never felt the need to to look a certain way in an all-girls environment despite the bitchiness and constant popularity contests that were going on...I'm sure you all know the kind I'm talking about. And I don't think I ever really felt that when I changed to the new school - I didn't want to get attention by dressing in short skirts and being the thinnest, prettiest girl. I wanted to be seen more like "one of the guys". So I know that my ED didn't manifest itself out of that, but of my own insecurities and lack of self esteem.

So this year, when my group of guy friends who I absolutely adored started to branch out and find new people to hang out with I started to panic. I started to think that I was losing the friends that I had fought for a year to make, when in reality I now realise that was never the case. And I don't know really, I suppose that because I couldn't control them and the way they were all starting to change, I started using food as something to control instead. As a coping mechanism. But as this happened, with me severely restricting my food intake, I became more and more withdrawn and depressed - pushing away the friends that I was so desperate to keep. It's so ironic in a really sad way.

And then exams came, and an Oxford interview and pressures to accept that University place that I didn't feel was right for me, and all that stress on top of the rest of it made me even worse. Over the very long summer holidays, I became so lonely - I rarely left the house and felt so low. My mum noticed this, and my weight loss, and pleaded with me to go to a doctor because she feared I had depression. But me being stubborn and not liking doctor's very much I refused.

When I got to University for my very first term last September, there was no1 there to make me eat and being away from home scared me so much that I was plunged even deeper into my starvation.

But then things started to change. I don't know why, but one day I realised that "you know what, I'm an adult and I know things aren't right and I'm going to take responsibility for ME" and I booked an appointment with a doctor who worked for the Student Health because I hadn't (and still haven't had) a period since last February. A few days after I made that decision, one of my closest friends came to see me on behalf of other friends, to talk about how much weight I'd lost and how concerned they were for my health. Until then, I never realised that I was hurting them as well as myself, because nobody had ever talked to me about it. I know i scared the be-jeebus out of my mum as well when I used to come back home some weekends.

She was a brilliant doctor - organising referrals to ED clinics and getting me the medicines and support I needed. Now, a couple of months on, I'm feeling like ME again. The way I used to feel before all this rubbish started. I've found that eating more has made me feel so alive and I have remembered how to have fun with friends and socialise the way that kids my age should do. 2008 was an awful year for me, because of my depression and AN amongst many other things, but already I have a GREAT feeling about 2009.

So if you are struggling, REACH OUT. I can't emphasise this enough. Much as CC is a great support, nothing beats being able to talk to a doctor, your parents or even your friends about the way you're feeling because they make you feel SO much better and are always there for you when life gets tough and you feel like crap and the ED is screaming at you.

So, at the beginning of this New Year - MAKE A CHANGE. Be brave and take that first step because I really promise you won't regret it.

(Sorry, that turned out waaaaaay longer than I expected!)

Lala,

I think because you always answer nutrition questions and all questions in general, so brilliantly, people forget that you are also in recovery.  Putting yourself out there like you just did moves me to tears.  You are an incredible person and I hope that the demons that chase you are banished this year.  I feel selfish complaining about my weight loss struggles when I read about all of you who are in the hands of an ED.   Stay strong all.  Thank you for sharing your stories and Good luck to each and every one of you.

I needed this. Thank you so much.

Heh, you're all really welcome. x_x It helped me to get it out too, in all honesty. I'm coming up to the time where, last year, I started to slip and slide and talking about it all reminds me how far I have come since - and how much further I have to go. Still, I hope it continues to help others and potentially inspire them to share, too.

LALA this is great...thanks for posting this and thanks for all your recent new threads...your the best!

Lala, you're so awesome. Seriously, you inspire everyone on these forums with eating illnesses so much. You are big bright beacon of hope for all of us lost at sea with our issues.

Everyone listen to this person, she knows.

Wonderful article...I, like many others, struggle every day and I constantly have to be on top of my diet and exercise program.  If I don't and I start taking it for granted, I just know I will gain weight...it comes on so much easier then it came off, at least for me.  Over the past year I lost another 30 lbs, it took me a whole year to lose those 30 lbs, making it a total to date of 240 lbs lost.  I'm proud of the fact that I did it through diet and exercise, rather then take a different route, such as gastric bypass or something, which changes your life forever.  I can eat whatever I want now, in moderation and once in a while, I'll allow myself a great treat, but it really has to be worth the calories for me to eat it. 

Whatever eating disorder one has, anorexia, bulimia or over-eating, it can be resolved over time...but it takes constant determination, willpower, focus and maintenance.

This article is a great read and a good teaching guide.  Thank you for sharing

R~

Lala,

I am at the other end of the eating spectrum.........battling that.  But what I wanted to say is, that as a nurse, I really appreciate your comments.  I have voiced a couple of times on this site that advertising the "miracle stuff" bothers me because of it hitting those most in jeopardy.  Your help and sharing your experience is so needed.  Good job!

We hang in there together regardless of what we are battling!

I know that anorexia and bulimia nervosa are the really the two most commonly thought of problems when someone mentions "eating disorders", so it's really cool to hear not only from anorexia or bulimia sufferers in terms of feedback on this, but those fighting a history overeating of its many forms (BED, emotional, stress and otherwise) and then those who do not have a history of disordered eating at all, but those just losing for their health and wellbeing.

That's the key thing here, really. That everyone here is out for health, and wellbeing, and overcoming whatever it is that's in the way of that. :] I'm really glad this is inspiring people, and for everyone who is still battling with whatever they are, there is help out there for you if and where you would seek it.