Posts by hannahriedel

Original Post by umneydurak:

Oh almost forgot. I love Anameniacs and Pinky and the Brain. The theme song is awesome. lol

UD

 I love anamaniacs too!

I am 26 and my husband is almost 30. I think age matters to an extent. Usually people are at different stages of their lives at different ages. For instance, my brother in law is 34 and was dating someone my age. They recently called off their engagement because she felt they were at different stages of their lives. She felt she had more living to do and he was ready to settle down. Of course it depends on the person too. One person at 26 could be ready to settle down, while the other person is nowhere near ready.

Original Post by bmx419:

"Knee pain" is a very broad description.

I guess it is. It is on the inner part of my knee, and it is the bone. It feels bruised to even touch it. It feels as though it's running under me knee cap as well. I can't explain the pain exactly.

Original Post by floggingsully:

Original Post by hannahriedel:

I really consider her more of a sister than a friend. However, she has been driving me bonkers lately.

Yup, definitely sounds like more of a sibling than a friend.

 

Original Post by dnrothx:

Original Post by hannahriedel:

Original Post by dnrothx:

Hannahriedel:  You have started three threads (amongst others)...one about your little brother and his marriage, one about your husband not liking you being on Facebook and now one where you rant about a friend.

It seems to me that you have a disproportionate number of interpersonal relationship problems...

 

Wow! That is all I can say. I just started this to vent and blow off a little steam.

 You could power a turbine.

Just a quick thing. I really think that most people who say they wouldn't want to give whoever killed their mother/daughter/son/husband the death penalty can't really know until it happens to them. It is a deep pain that can not be described unless it is experienced.

Original Post by tbird1984:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years as well and to be completely honest, when FB first came around I was the same way as your husband. I used to freak if I saw an attractive girl that I didn't know and constantly question him about pretty much everything you just said. It almost always led to a huge argument. I'm not sure what your history is but there is a history of infidelity in our relationship which is where my jealousy stemmed however, it also came from my own insecurities with myself. I have felt unattractive and uncomfortable in my own skin for quite some time and took it out on him even though I knew my accusations were completely rediculous. The way that my boyfriend went about making me feel more secure in our relationship was fairly simple. When I confronted him, he stayed calm, heard me out, constantly reassured me and never let himself get angry or allow it to escalate into a fight. Sometimes I would yell at him, sometimes I would joke about it and other times I would cry. After many long conversations with him about my insecurities I realized that I had a lot of feelings that I had been with holding that weren't even about him and now I never question my trust in him.

I know that for some men it is hard to talk about feelings but reassurance, understanding and affection can go a really long way in situations like this. By showing him just how commited you are to him and by showing him how much you love him on a daily basis might help him realize that he is the only one for you!

 I completely agree with you. Most of the time I discount his accusations in a very calm, loving manner. There are times when he just goes on and on and I do get angry. I get to the point where I literally just want to strangle while telling him that I love him very much and would NEVER do anything to jeapordize our relationship. There hasn't been a past of infidelity on either part in our relationship. I have mentioned that his ex did cheat on him.

I know that a lot of this stems from her because of a previous conversation. We had been semi-arguing and he said "you do a lot of the same things she does." I asked what and he said "you sit over and text all night long." It is my mother who once she learned to text, can't seem to stop. I know that even though he knows it is her, he still has this little voice in the back of his head saying "well your ex sat and text all night long too."

Original Post by coffincritter:

Sounds extremely posessive. Also, given that Facebook is a way of interacting with others (not "sausaging", merely interacting) I wonder if there are attempts to isolate you from having any kind of support system? That could be a red flag.

 Coffin, he thinks facebook is a dating site. He says that people are on there to meet old flames and hook up.

Original Post by april_bride:

Original Post by hannahriedel:

 But first things first, I need to get it setup. If I make the appt. and tell him we are going, I really think he will go. Should I just spring it on him or should I give him a warning?

It's encouraging that he's willing to talk with you about it. That was not my experience with the person I dated. He wouldn't even go there in a discussion. So take that as a positive thing. 

No, Absolutely do NOT just spring it on him. If he's got control issues that will only make him more angry. I would have another calm, rational discussion with him where you tell him how much this has become an issue. He needs to know you have one foot out the door, and not in a fight -- in a normal, calm manner. Maybe he hasn't yet grasped how major this is for you (I had a friend whose husband was like that -- he just had on blinders until she told him she was leaving him if he couldn't go to therapy for help). I personally would not surprise him with a therapy appointment. Talk with him about it, make sure he knows how much this is a serious problem for you, tell him you think you both need help working on yourselves, ask him if he'd be okay with you making an appointment with a therapist. Give him some control over it too if he wants it -- like have him pick a couple different therapist to interview, do his own research - if that's important to him.

Do you know anyone you can ask for a referral? I think that's the best way to find a therapist.

 you hit the nail on the head. I do NOT think he realizes how serious this is to me and how much it hurts. Truly, him constantly accusing me, it hurts me. That is a great idea about allowing him to help in the research of a therapist. I think that will be very beneficial.

Thank you all again for the responses. After lurking for so long, I knew I would get great advice!

Phew guys! I hate to admit but I'm scared and I love him. Dammit, I am scared and freakin love him. How do I just walk out like that???? UGH! My stomach is churning. I need a therapist and so does he. I just don't think I can walk out without giving it a try. I REALLY NEVER thought I would be in this place. This is such a huge deal.

Original Post by jules817:

Original Post by hannahriedel:

Original Post by jules817:

Original Post by hannahriedel:

I have explained that I felt he was being over the top controlling. He makes me feel like I can't be ME! Does that make sense?

 it does make sense, and it's NOT ok. i don't care what happened to him in his past, he has no right to make you feel like you are doing something wrong by living your life, working, and interacting with HALF the population. i agree with the folks that say that the way he is treating you is bordering on abuse. "sausaging" just has a really nasty undertone to me.  

 the funny thing is- it is does have such a nasty undertone. I have told him that he makes me feel cheap. Like, what kind of woman does he think I am. He usually laughs when saying it, but still.

 laughing when saying it doesn't make it any better. it's hurtful, and it is meant to make you feel cheap. i really think, with the kids involved, that you should try counseling. but you should not be treated that way, and if counseling doesn't work, leave.

oh, and if someone was implying what he's implying over and over, my reaction would be frustration too. and anger.

Believe me, it goes much further than anger. He makes me want to strangle him. There have been many times that I have been *this* close to walking out the door. So close that the kids have been packed and ready to go. 

Original Post by muttlover:

Damnit. See what you women do when you cheat on men? You hurt our innocent boyfriends and husbands. Ugh. :(

Personally, I'm dealing with a guy who's been cheated on twice (girlfriends, not wives, though). He gets insecure pretty easily. He says, from time to time, "I'm worried you'll get bored of me and leave me." My god.

How do you react to your husband when he gets insecure about guys on facebook/at work/in general? Are you calm? Do you act offended if he says things like "sausaging"? Do you accuse him of things in return?

The way you react is very important. If you react in a way that is panicky, in his head, it may register that you are trying to hide something. If you accuse him of things, it may seem like you are trying to take the blame and attention from you and throw it on him.

I know it is difficult. My boyfriend has only gotten mean a few times when he was insecure, but I he has not done it in a long time. Instead of deleting male friends and coworkers from your life, why not ask your husband if he would like to meet some of these guys? When he sees that you are not afraid to let him meet these people, and he sees that you interact with them only like a friend, he should feel better.

But yes, you should definitely push for therapy. I would suggest that he goes to one-on-one therapy first. That way he may be able to be more open with a therapist alone. Personally, I think it would be more productive than couples therapy.

Edit to add: You can also go to secondary therapy with the same therapist. This means that you can talk with his therapist (separately) about different ways to react to situations, how to make him more comfortable, etc. I still strongly think that he should see a therapist by himself. His ex-wife cheating on him is probably a very sensitive subject for him, and he may be less willing to open up about it in front of you.

 

Muttlover- my reaction is usually frustration. I usually ask him to "just stop already" it gets so old hearing the same thing over and over and over again.

I have explained that I felt he was being over the top controlling. He makes me feel like I can't be ME! Does that make sense?

 I have asked that we go to counseling. It is something that we are considering.

The hardest part is trying to explain that I am NOT doing anything wrong and this is an issue that he has to work on. He feels like I am being secretive by having a facebook page. His ex-wife cheated on him and I feel like he is bringing a lot of that insecurity into this marriage. I have told him time and again that I am not her.

I love him and I hate to think that I am letting someone control me. I am strong woman and always told myself that I wouldn't let anyone abuse or control me.

I know that he loves me too and isn't trying to hurt me but I just don't know how much more I can take. UGH! I am so frustrated.

Dear newbie who already thinks he knows it all,

You just started 3 weeks ago. I hate that you always one up me " well at my previous employer, we did it this way." I don't give a f*****, explicitive, explicitive what you did at your previous employer. We don't do it that way here.  I hate that you are always standing at my cubicle almost silently watching me work. I can't hear you with my head phones on and you scare the s*** out of me when I turn around.

To my boss who can't spell,

It looks so unprofessional when you send an email to everyone and spell today, toady. 

I really could go on and on.