Posts by gilly01

hey all,

Just a quick post but I wanted to say hell did I ever need to read these posts today. Got weighed and I'm up by 5 pounds, and it was only a week since my last weigh in. I'm now at the highest weight I've been in two years! I'm eating 3000 a day and when I was told my weight today the ED was horrified but the sane positive voice managed to step in and tell the ED to go to hell, I have to gain and if i'm gaining this quickly well so be it, I know I wasn't happy looking like the walking dead and I am more frightened of relapsing as it takes so much damn effort everyday to fight this bloody ED voice! I can't imagine having to do this again! Lala so sorry about your sister but thank goodness she has you, and keep on with the reality checks, we need them.....well I know I certainly do! And Clay, hell you couldn't have put that more perfectly...mine is the carrot cake sitting staring at me everday I go into my local coffee shop. Today my  victory over ED was to eat a chocolate mint cliff bar after my weigh in instead of the low fat yougart and berries my ED wanted me to eat! And I had the cliff bar because I was craving it!

Also everyone please send good vibes my way, I am applying for an incredible job that would change my life. It would allow me to move out of the appartment I am sharing with my partner who I have officially separated with. The job would also enable me to work around my two year old daughter, this position would really change our lives! And on that note I am off to write my cover letter. Keep going everyone..........we have to do this, we really do!

Hi Everyone,

CLAY - PROTEIN, PROTEIN AND MORE PROTEIN!!! This is the cause of edema or I should say the lack of it! I have suffered horribly from it during recovery to the point where I was so swollen my skin cracked and I could no longer wear any of my shoes! I am 5ft 6 and my N told me that a healthy sized female with my height should be taking in at least 30grams per day, so recovering from this ED I need double. 60grams may seem a lot but 1cup of cottage cheese and a tin of tuna covers it! If you think it would help let me know what your stats are and I will email my N and see how much protein your body needs right now. I promise once you take in a ton of the stuff the swelling goes right down. I still suffer from it on and off (it mainly comes back when I jump my cals up) but after a few days of incredibly high protein intake helps sort it out! I'm sorry about Miami, I too have lost it when someone has tried to step in when I'm eating (no matter how good their intentions) but please remember that you are fighting this thing and the need to control food will go away! Keep going with upping the cals, I agree with others as a male you will definately have to take in much much more than us gals, I have read that some men end up taking in up to 4500! Also another thing to keep you going is if you drop your cal intake the edema gets worse (this scares the crap out of me) so its a great motivator!

Zeb - 2600 thats fantastic hun! Keep going! Oh and another Lara bar fan, I am addicted to them. I introduced them to my N and she was so impressed with the nutrition in them she has introduced the bars to the clinic, also such a good way of getting good fats! I also love luna bars and I have just started eating Cliff bars.... CLAY as a muffin fan if you haven't already try these things they are fantastic and I believe they do a banana walnut one, they are also contain a decent amount of protein. Zeb also congrats on the excercise, I still battle with this. I find I go on ridiculously long walks or when I take my daughter to the park I am the one running about like a maniac while the kids look on in amusment!

Okgo - I know its hard the feeling of guilt, I feel bad as my mum is putting money into my account each month so I can afford all the extra food I'm going through! But as a mum myself now I would walk to hell and back, give up my life's savings ect if it meant it would help my daughter. Seeing you recover physically and mentally will make her so happy and remember you will one day be taking care of her!;-) Oh and congrats on that McFlurry!

Lalabannana - So sorry to hear about your sister, its sounds awful, like gibbit said its great that you are there to support her. And congrats with the Drama, that must be such a huge relief!

Dolly - sounds like you are doing wonderfully, keep going girl!

Gibbit- your flipping stunning love! I was thinking the other day that the women I most admire and wish to be like are the ones that like themselves no matter what their size.

Everyone else keep going, as always your support is incredible, it keeps me going!

Hey Spek,

Oatmeal or porridge for lunch is a great option, its filling healthy and apparently sends happy vibes to the brain! Having it with yougurt is a great choice, you could throw in some fruit for the extra nutrition or I love adding pumpkin pie puree and putting lots of cinnamon and nutmeg on top, then baking it.....like a big bowl of pumpkin pie. Also you could make a savory version, I add tofu or egg whites for protein, some cheese for calcium and veggies. Most importantly hun if you enjoy oatmeal and porridge then have it, it doesn't matter what time of day! My ED voice tries to stop me having something by saying 'that's not the most nutritious option' or 'you can't have that now it isn't a good night time snack', that often happens when I want to sit in bed and have chocolate or cookies! Now I have started to ask myself this question before I chose what to eat 'WOULD YOU ENJOY THIS?' And if the answer is yes then the logical thing is to have it. I'm working on this. Enjoy the oatmeal hun.

I'm managing to eat pretty well today, for some reason today doesn't want to end! Isn't it weird that some days fly by while others just seem to stay still?

Dolly edema like Clay mentioned is due to a lack of protein, I have suffered horribly from this too (to the point where the skin on my ankles flaked off, gross I know!) I'm not sure how old you are but I was told to eat at least 60grams a day, a healthy person usually needs about 30 grams so as we are recovering we need double. Some great sources are cottage cheese (nutella tastes fantastic mixed in) and tuna, tofu, protein shakes and cereals! I promise you will notice a huge difference once you protein intake increases! And I second what Lala said call that Dr again! I get blood work done every month and my N tells me what I'm lacking, ie protein/calcium and I alter my diet accordingly, its really helped.

Darkoutthere; That recipe lots delicious, I think I'm going to make that for a snack tonight!

Gibbit, I hear you with the fast weight gain, scares the hell out of me too! I wanted to say I saw the pic of you and it said you were 120pounds, my god you a flipping gorgeous....very jealous! And I also worry about how to maintain, 3000cals doesn't seems a lot to me now and I worry how the heck I will manage when I'm at a healthy weight! It makes me realise gaining the weight is only half the battle!

Clay, I am with you on the 3000 cals, we can do it! Hey maybe if we dare we will both one day be 3500 cal buddies! I also read that your ED is stronger in the morning, I have the same thing and I still find that I bank my cals for late in the night when I make up my snacks.....muffins with pudding, muffins baked in cream of wheat with pudding, hot muffins and icecream! And while I have muffins on the brain here is the muffin story:

I have a particular brand of muffins that I love and as they are a little pricy they are my special treat. Each Saturday I treck 30mins to the store that sells them. The next day I went to get one of my beloved muffins and low and behold instead of four in the pack there were only two! I was pissed! Called the store and they told me to talk to the company who makes the muffins, so I send them a nice email about what happened. They sent a very nice reply back and offered to send me another box of muffins...I was very happy! So three days later I come home to a package, no I shouldn't say that, it was in fact a crate! I open it up and instead of a box of muffins, I had about fifty boxes! Well my afternoon was spent unpacking muffins and putting them in my freezer.....all in all they sent me 200 muffins! An anorexic with a freezer full of chocolate muffins! I sent them a huge thank you and asked for a new freezer, (still no word on that one!) I am slowly making my way through them but I have a feeling I may never want another muffin again once I'm done!

Hi everyone and thank you for the welcome! Yesterday I had to mechanically eat for the first time, it felt horrible and very weird not to feel hungry. ED voice was sreaming 'what are you doing! Your not even hungry!' I managed to eat all 3000 cals although I felt stuffed which scares me......oh I can't wait to my mind to heal!

I want to say a huge congrats to Dolly and Mashed for getting to 2000, yes I agree with others, get to 2500. Dolly our stats are the same and It wasn't until I was eating 2500 for a good three weeks that I stopped gaining and then I had to up it, I was gaining a good pound and a half each week until I got my cals up there. One thing that keeps me going is the fear of reducing my cals and really screwing up my metabolism and having to maintain on so little! I also wanted to share with you what my N told me, at 5.6 and at my lowest like you 75pounds I am the first person since the ED clinic opened to have made it without inpatient treatment or without dying, keep going hun you can do this you've already come so far and as we all know here the battle everyday is exhausting!

Clay I am with you on the muffins and when I have more time I must write my chocolate muffin story, very amusing!

Slr where are you located in Canada? I am in Halifax!

Oh I wanted to ask when did everyone start to excercise again, I really want to take up yoga and pilates....I think this would also be good for my head. I haven't excercised in nearly two years and for the first time since my ED started I am nearly at 100 pounds.

Take care everyone, your posts are an incredible source of support!

I've been in outpatient care for over a year now recovering from anorexia. My Nutritionist is slightly overweight but my view of her has changed during my recovery process. Initially her weight frightened me, lots of ED thoughts 'oh no you don't want to end up like that!' Now that I am on the mend and that we have developed an incredible relationship I think she looks great, most importantly she enjoys her food without any of this guilt crap, something that I wish to model! For me it is now not about size but about developing a healthy relationship with food. Oh but saying that I also wanted to add the other week she had an intern with her and at first I thought she was another patient! I actually found it more difficult to listen to someone who was herself incredibly thin.

I have to say I completely agree, the healthiest diet is the way in which food is viewed and consumed and not by what food is eaten. I admire my friend who lets herself have anything she wants, she eats in moderation and if she fancys a treat she lets herself have one, no guilt. I am now finding that as well as eating food that will nourish my body I also need to eat to nourish my mind, I am now working on allowing myself to eat what I am craving (even if it is a huge bar of chocolate) and I am finding that by doing that I don't go crazy on other foods to compensate for not having the food that I really want and that it is making me a happier person!

Ok me again!!!! Although this water retention makes you feel gross whatever you do, do not reduce your calories as it will make the swelling a heck of a lot worse!!!

I am a huge cottage cheese fanatic, half a cup serving is 16grams of protien, I love mixing it with pumpkin filling and I add cinnamon and nutmeg (like pumpkin pie) I also mix it with berries or peanut butter. You can also have it savory, add it to a baked potato or it also makes for a great dip. Tuna is another good one, again 16grams per half cup and tofu is also very high in protein (for breakfast I often do a tofu scramble) any red meat  also has high amounts of protein. I get the extra lean ground beef and make burgers.  Oh and another great snack are Luna Bars, they are like eating a huge chocolate bar but they contain 10grams of protien per bar and are very filling, plus they are designed for women (they contain a high amount of calcium!)  I hope this helps, you will find that after a couple of days of taking in about 60grams of protein a day the swelling will go. I have just upped my cals again and I am in the same boat, lots of swelling! It makes me feel huge and horrible, so I'm on the protien war path too at the moment!

Hi,

Thank you for your replies, I've double checked and this is definately just the Golean Cereal, it also states that the protien is 13 grams and fiber is 5 grams. I am located in Canada. I think I am going to call the company to try and find out, very confusing!

Hi,

I would say invest in a thermos, with it being fall and the winter months drawing near nothing is nicer than some rich hearty soups, for high calories I would say lentil soups and also cream based soups. Sandwiches (a little obvious I know ) but they are great way to be creative, a good one is grilled goat cheese with fig preserves and honey. To up cals and add good fats you can include avacado, different cheeses and spreads such as pesto and mayonnaise. Also play around with different types of breads. If you google 'Whole Foods' and go on their web site, under recipies there are some fantastic breakfast and lunch ideas all quite high in calories. Do you like sushi? You can easily pick up bento boxes, sushi that includes salmon and avacado are high in cals and very healthy.

Hope thats given you some ideas! ;-)

Hi there,

I don't know the answer to the your question but one thing that struck me when I was reading your post was that when you are healthy do you really want to know how many cals you need per day? I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I want my life to be and one thing I know for sure is that I don't want to live every day according to a number, because we shouldn't base ourselves, ourself worth on a number. I have faith that if I can let myself listen to my body it will tell me what I need and how much of it.....(easy said than done and I'm still not able to do this) but I think that naturally you take in x amount one day and x amount another day and it all evens out in the end. My new mantra is 'I am not a number.'

Counting cals makes my life so damn misrable, I just want to enjoy life! I also wanted to say keep going hun, we can all do this, keep fighting, your doing so so well!

Hi Darkoutthere,

I completely relate as I do exactly the same thing and I too have the same fear. I agree this is not a great way  to establish  a healthy way of eating.   I have been trying to stick to  my N's  advice, after finishing whatever you  have  eaten wait 20mins as this is the time it takes for you to digest food and then see if you are still hungry or if you would like something else, for me this stops any desire to binge.  I think to fully recover I need to banish calorie counting, just learn to listen to my body and eat what I like. Even if I am taking in 2500 cals having a number seems to fuel my ED. I'm finding I'm negotiating with myself and I know this isn't healthy....well done on everyone fighting this, all your blogs are so supportive and its helping the positive voice yell louder!

Hey Agru,

I had to drop you a line and say what an inspiration you are, reading your posts are really helping me up my cals and eat! I'm so so happy that you are doing so well, you really are on the road to recovery! Also congrats on the ravioli tasting, I too have occasionally have been able to do a similar thing, my daughter and I were baking and I managed to lick the spoon!!I am getting there slowly, I'm frustrated at myself as I am finding that I still bank all my calories for the evening where I go a little crazy. I would just love to be able to eat in a normal manner, eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm satisfied. The thing is I am always hungry, even after an hour after I've eaten a good meal. The more I eat the hungrier I am? I'm hoping that as I gain weight that this will ease off. I too have managed to up my cals though and as my T said as my BMI increases so will the positive voice.   I was wondering where the heck everyone is located? I'm a British expat living in Nova Scotia Canada.

Agru please keep posting, just reading your posts is helping me push and challenge myself! I have to say everyone on this forum really is outstanding and such an incredible form of support!