Posts by freshleaf

melodee: don't let ED make you feel guilty about binging & tempt you to start restricting again. It's totally normal to 'binge' when you start to eat normally- your body is malnourished & desperate for fuel so it's a survival instinct. If you consistently keep your calories up it won't need to do this anymore- so take the binge as a sign to eat more on a regular basis! It's so sick that ED tells us that this behaviour is 'greedy' and 'disgusting' when in fact it's a desperate natural response to starvation. Stay strong and positive :)

I haven't posted in a while but need to vent on the familiar topic of 'skinny comments' as I just had a really upsetting experience. I was walking home from the shops & this random middle-aged guy passing by came up to me & said 'you should stop jogging so much, your legs are much too thin'.

How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? I could hardly explain 'actually I don't go jogging, my legs are skinny because I'm recovering from an eating disorder'... I just went bright red and kind of opened and closed my mouth helplessly while he stood there waiting for me to say something. Eventually I just had to scurry away as I was completely speechless and so embarassed. I just got home and can't stop thinking about it.

Hi :) I haven't posted in ages but I've been keeping up with all your posts- inspirational & hilarious as ever! But anyway I just wanted to say ME TOO as regards freaking out about other people 'undereating'. Honestly it upsets me so much, it's ridiculous! The ED part of me is always comparing & analyzing. I used to work with this girl who was very overweight but seemed to barely eat, she would have a few bites of salad at lunch and then be 'stuffed'. It terrified me because I thought I'd end up obese if I ate any more than her. Also I used to waitress at a cafe & it would upset me if people left lots of food on their plates. Now I'm gaining and have upped my cals it's even worse because I feel I'm eating about 4 times more than most overweight people. But it really helps me to think of it this way- I need to make up for all the delicious and nutritious meals and snacks which I missed during 3 years of restricting... that's a HUGE food deficit! So just think about your own personal food deficits and eat up with a smile :)

Random happy post... I love this forum, I love reading about what you guys are up to & how you have challenged your EDs today, I love that everyone is so supportive. After reading your posts I get up from my computer all fired up and motivated to kick my ED into oblivion...  Right now I'm going to call my friend to go & get ice-cream :)

Ukjane- I hope you have an amazing time travelling. I was so anxious before I left but my time away from home really opened my eyes to how irrational all my ED fears are. I think breaking away from my usual envionment & routines really helped and I have come back more determined than ever to make a full recovery as soon as possible!

Slr & clay- re night time eating- I used to eat most of my calories at night in what felt like a major binge, then feel so guilty & frustrated with myself that I could not sleep... I still have a tendency to restrict during the day and 'save' my calories for later which I'm constantly trying to fight against...

Hiya

mashed- well done on getting to 2000!!!!! also good luck with uni applications- oxford is awesome, definitely a great 1st choice! I really wish I had managed to kick my ED before I started there though as it really detracted from the experience and made it very stressful at times... so my advice to you would be- get going now! you have the best ever incentive for recovery at the moment, your student days are one of the times of your life so don't let the ED hijack & ruin them!

xxx

Hiya!

Gosh I haven't posted in aaaaaaaages and I've really missed you guys & reading about how you've all been doing, I've got so much catching up to do! I'm having loads of fun on my travels... at first I was really anxious about not having my usual routine & the foods I'm comfortable with, but I've realized that not having so much control can in fact be really liberating!

To all the americans- Wow what an awesome election result! It must be an amazing atmosphere over there.

Clay- hi and welcome, I'm from London and I know what you mean about the sausages! good luck with your weight gain goals, it sounds like you're doing really well!

Hi everyone

I'm away travelling for the next few weeks so probably won't be able to post... anyway I just wanted to say before I go, a massive THANK YOU to all of you... you are an inspiration! Good luck over the next few weeks !!!

Why am I so rubbish? I've been home alone for the past few days, my family are all away, and I've relapsed into old habits... it seems like I need people there to 'babysit' me and remind me to have regular, proper meals...I have to make myself dinner now and I have no clue what to have, even the idea of making something is making me really really anxious. I've forgotten how to look after myself in the most basic way, how pathetic is that...I really really want to do this but I keep tripping myself up it's so frustrating & all my own fault. I just can't trust myself and I hate it. Grrr anyway I'm going to stay with friends from next weds so just have to hang on till then, and try to improve in the meantime. I hate myself SO MUCH right now. Does anyone else get really panicky on their own like this? Sorry for the negative post.

Hi everyone :)

Dolly- well done!!! Ice cream sundae with hazelnuts sounds awesome... personally my favourite topping is berries & maple syrup :) Keep up the good work- I know every day is a battle at this stage but you have lots of allies here who all want you to win through. 

Afon- I know this post was a while back but I completely related to your comments about feeling invisible amongst friends. I've always been shy but the ED definitely made it 100 times worse, I still feel very detatched in lots of social situations- a spectator rather than an active participant if that makes sense?

I'm trying to be strict about posting my meals even when I feel I haven't had a good day- when I know I'm accountable I definitely make more of an effort. So, today so far:

b- porridge made w milk, apple, about 10 almonds

s- coffee, 2 chocolate truffles

l- 2 slices of toast w small tin sardines in olive oil, chocolate ice cream, a few almonds

Hi

I'm doing pretty well so far today, feeling full but I'm beginning to realize that's a good thing!

b- 2 pieces of toast w butter & vegemite, 2 brazil nuts, coffee w milk

s- coffee w milk, 2 biscuits, 6 almonds

l- chicken mayo sandwich, apple

s- 3 lindor chocolate truffles (these are AMAZING)

not sure what's for dinner yet...

Dolly- I've got a major sweet tooth too and I adore chocolate. My major tip would be chocolate ice-cream (green & black's is amazing). I can't recommend icecream enough for the early stages of recovery- it's very easy to eat whilst being dense in calories. Because it feels less filling & rich than solid chocolate, you should be able to eat more & get in more calories that way. I can practically inhale the stuff, it's scary! Plus you can top ice-cream with anything you like & be inventive!

Afon- I know EXACTLY how you feel about the erg, I've been there and it's really dispiriting I know. But please don't beat yourself up about it as this is totally counterproductive in the long run! When I'm frustrated with myself or feel I've let myself or others down, the ED voice in my head starts telling me to restrict, as a form of self-punishment & attempt to regain control I suppose... I have to remind myself that doing this makes me a weaker, not stronger person. The strong thing to do is to resist that negative voice and be kind to yourself- you deserve to be properly nourished and healthy. If you think like that you'll be able to overcome any setback and stay on track with recovery...  without the ED you'll be a stronger athlete both physically and mentally, so keep your eye on the main goal and set yourself up for success! Sorry I know it's not that easy & I'm the last person to preach when I'm always falling of the wagon on bad days... I just wanted to say I sympathize and know you can get past this :)

b- toast w butter & marmite, coffee w full fat milk

s- cappuccino, crunchie bar

l- choc flavoured protein drink, a handful of nuts (not great I know but I was at work and never get time to sit down to a proper meal)

d- grilled cheese sandwich, tomato salsa, chocolate ice-cream

Afon: Thanks so much for the support...I'm all fired up now & feeling much more positive about things :)

I haven't posted in a few days because I feel like such a failure at the moment. I've been working really long hours and not able to focus on my eating, but that's no excuse and I'm just so annoyed with myself. But I'm determined to get back on track!

So, my 1st ever meal diary post, here goes...

b- porridge w full fat yoghurt, cinnamon & sugar

s-  slice toast w butter, coffee w milk

l- roast chicken thigh, 1/2 cup chilli, 1 slice toast w cream cheese, handful crisps

s- small handful roasted mixed nuts, handful crisps, coffee w milk

d- baked potato w butter, 1 cup chilli, a few green beans, fruit juice

s- 1 cup honey nut cereal, hot milk

This was a really good day for me at this stage- not sure how many calories in total, but it feels like a million! I haven't eaten so much in ages :)

Afoneleri- History at Queen's... I miss the craziness of bumps racing! Hoping to get back in a boat soon :)

Hi there, hope you don't mind me joining in? I

I just registered here, I've been in recovery for about 2 months now but it's been VERY slow progress so far, with lots of setbacks... I'm hoping this site will keep me on track & hopefully give some tips to speed things up! I love distance running & rowing and really miss training & competing in these sports, but I have such a long way to go it's a bit dispiriting.

I was just wondering if anyone could advise me- my BMI has never been in the healthy range, even pre-ED when I had a very healthy appetite I was still classed as underweight, so what do I aim for now? Is BMI a reliable guide to general health?

Thanks!