Posts by rebelchick1017

 I was in IP last year, when I was sent home but before I relapsed - the goal weight set for me was 120-124 pounds.  So yeah, 10-12. I've got a small frame, and both my parents and brother are very slender. I'm at BMI 17 now, 10-12lbs puts me up to 18.5 or 19 I believe. If I were going by my weight at 15, I'd still be hovering around the BMI 16 mark. Thank you though Agru. I have gained about 5lbs since the last time I updated on the WG process.

Lentil stew sandwiches (I'd take take spoonfuls of soup, put it on toast, fold it in and half and call it a meal)

Bowl of frozen blueberries topped with cool whip and sprinkles

Graham crackers (or digestive biscuits for the UK) with sliced banana and a few squares from a hershey bar melted in the microwave.

Kraft mac n cheese with canned tuna and broccoli. Legit was my favorite dinner as a child.

Hey hey all. Hope you're all doing well. I'm trying to get the calories up still. Its so much easier on the days I don't work to eat more, so I've been really trying to pack it in on my days off.

Breakfast: 1/3 c. oat bran cooked in 1c. vanilla soymilk + 1 packet spiced latte mix, topped with walnuts, sliced banana and 2TBS peanut butter. 1 cup coffee with Hazelnut creamer.

Snack: Plain yogurt with pineapple, 2TBS coconut flakes and 2TBS White Chocolate PB

Lunch: Whole wheat tortilla with 1/2 an avocado, spread of hummus, 1/5 tofu, 2 spoonfuls of raisins, crushed red pepper, spinach and tomato.

Snack: 2" slice of apple cinnamon bread with PB and a drizzle of honey.

Dinner: 1c. Brown rice mixed with corn, 1/2 c. broccoli, and roasted red peppers with 2TBS tahini and a handful of almonds. 

Snack: Hot cocoa and a blueberry streusel muffin from Starbucks

Both being extremely underweight and following a very low sodium diet will cause low BP. The only people who need to watch their sodium count are people who have very high blood pressure and at risk because of it. You do not have that issue. Its really something you need to overcome. Too little sodium in your diet is actually far more dangerous than too much. Too little sodium can cause electrolyte imbalances - puts you at risk not only for heart attacks, but muscle cramping and it inhibits all of your organs from functioning properly.  85/55 is pretty low. Standard low for athletes (who always have lower BP) is like 90/60 I think? I know that's around where mine was at last check 90-100/60. And I was told that was on the low side, but since I am a runner it was OK.

One more thing. Maya, extreme changes in the amount of salt you eat may cause an INTITIAL fluctuaton in your weight, for like one day. But it is NOT a permanent change, your body adjusts and it goes away. I have easily eaten double or more what a normal amount of salt for me in a day is, and you know what? At the end of the week, nothing scary or traumatic has happened. No enormous weight gain, no bloating no feeling gross. This sodium obsession is just another tool your ED uses to control you. Stop letting anorexia win Maya. Eat what you want, everything else be damned. This life is too short for you to continuously punish and deny yourself.

Maya, the extra 100 calories to reach 2500 will NOT affect your rate of gain, whatsoever. Please believe me on that sweetie. It will, however, affect your ability to continue to fight your ED. There is no reason not to eat 2500 when you know its the minimum requirement for gaining other than eating disordered fears at this point. I can honestly tell you that I have done increases much, much greater than that (remember 3800 calories a day?) and shooting up 600 calories gave me no greater rate of gain. It totals up to an extra 500 calories a week. That's insignificant in terms of weight restoration, but it DOES hold a meaning to your ED. And you have got to fight to break it. Why wait til Sunday? I know you THINK that makes it easier, but truly now you just have to go through the mental stress of increasing your calories twice instead of just once. 300 calories is really not that much, its a light snack. You can do it. Remember, you are the one who is going to be in control here now, not anorexia. You do not need to listen to that negative voice. Remember where those words of negativity and abrasion come from - your illness that is now going to be struggling to keep its hold on you. Don't let it win. Don't make deals or concessions with a devil by saying "Only 100 today." I know you can make the next leap. So do it. Even with that fear in your conscious - I believe you have the strength to push on and do what you know needs to be done. After the first day, it always gets better. No turning back and saying I can't, ok Maya? You've got to keep moving forwards or else the past will keep on repeating itself. You can break the cycle. You just have to hold on long enough to make it real.

I would like to second everything GI-Jane said.

Also the reccomendation for recovering AN's is a diet consisting of around 50-60% carbs, 25-35% fats and 15% protein. Too much protein will wreak havoc on your kidneys. There is no reason to be afraid of carbs. They are excellent for you, and they are often lower in volume as compared to a calorically equivalent of protein. So truly - carbs are going to be your best friend. And don't fret about having two desserts in a day. I ate two fun sized candy bars with my lunch and a wrap with nutella, strawberries and ricotta before bed yesterday. The rest of my diet is quite healthy - so having one or two treats in a day to help make up the calories is perfectly 100% okay, and in fact it helps to promote a "everything is good in moderation" mentality about food. And as someone who is recovering from an ED - that is exactly what you need. Don't worry about having too much of this or that, because truly its not like you're about to eat a whole box of cereal and a loaf of bread within one day. You know that - so trust yourself. Eat carbs, fats and protein with every meal and snack - you'll be okay.

:hugs: I'm SO happy to hear you saying those things. When I reached that point - it was when I made a huuuge leap forwards in recovery.

I haven't looked back since. And let me tell you - my days are SO much easier to get through now. And I have so much more fun with food when I'm not worry about macronutrient ratios or sodium or if something is "clean".

Enjoy the next level of freedom. And keep on reaching for more.

Okay Maya - I need you to calm down and look at things rationally. 

"I just weighed in this morning and gained 2.4 pounds in ten days."

Sweets, if you were in IP - you know that would NOT be acceptable. Average goal = 2.5 pounds every 5 days. Also, you KNOW that you are trying to increase your sodium levels, which will cause some slight INITIAL fluctuations, but once your body adjusts to taking in more salt it WILL level out. 

"BUT I AM up from 12.4-14.3i n the past 2 months and am going crazy, thinking I should stop gaining"

That is NOT you saying that, its anorexia. Maya knows 14.3 is not a healthy BMI and that is she still at grave risk for death. Any one of your organs could fail while you are sleeping. Yeah, you are slightly better off than you were, but you are FAR from being healthy. ED is causing you to have HUGE misperceptions about your appearance and what healthy truly is.

Your body will gain on whatever it is that it needs to gain on. I was gaining slowly on 2200-2400 too. BUt I decided for myself that if I was going to gain weight, I would do so on a real gainer's diet. I ended up having to eat 3600-3800 calories a day because I gave my body a surplus of calories to use for rebuilding and restoration - not the bare minimum. That is the only way to snap out of starvation mode. I know its scary, but it IS what you need to do if you want to repair your body and your metabolism. 

Bottom line: You know you need to eat more. So do it. We've been telling you 2500 for quite some time now. Yeah - you may gain a bit more than you are used to initially while your body adjusts to the consumption of more food. But it will level off and your metabolism will get a nice kick start. 

You need to stop focusing on the things your ED tells you. Write down your goals for calories, make up meal plans and stick to them. That's what I had to do to get myself on track. For me, writing things down made it concrete and gave me the ability to say "This is what Victoria wanted to do. And I will listen to that, not the ED thoughts I'm thinking right now in this moment." The fear will never go away on its own Maya. You've got to look it right in the eyes and do what you know is best anyways. You can't keep cowering and trying to avoid a confrontation with the ED. You're going to feel like crap no matter which way you go with this - you know that. So you might as well choose the path that will lead you to greater happiness and freedom. 

BTW - please don't ever hesitate to email or message me on FB. I'll do whatever I can to help you and be there to listen. 

Its funny you mention that. Since getting closer and closer to being WR, I've noticed a huge shift in where my weight is going. Initially, it felt like it was all sticking to my hips, but I'm now seeing the bits of padding I had developed there disappearing and shifting upwards. I actually called my mom at work the other day to tell her one of my bras no longer fit. I was a bit TOO excited haha. But I've never had boobs before (developed ED before development had a chance) so I was rather surprised. Goes to show the weight does shift around though.

I had to eat 4600-5000 a day in IP by the time I left in order to gain at the minimum weekly rate. Even at home, I ended up eating 3800ish every day, just to gain a pound or so every other week. Its normal to need that much food. Part of recovery is learning to no restrict yourself or deny your body of what it needs. If you are hungry 1-2 hours after a meal, eat another snack. I know hunger cues get all sorts of messed up after AN, and that is the only reason why I suggest waiting about an hour after a meal before you decide if you are still hungry or not. If the hour passes and you still feel hunger, then you know need to be eating more.

As a note, my brother is almost 30 and easily consumes 3000-4000 on a daily basis, maintaining his weight around 150lbs at 6'1". He used to be the same weight as you and he really struggled to eat enough to gain. Its taken him like eight years to get to 150, and a lot of food. I've seen the boy literally eat almost an entire pan of homemade casserole for dinner, and have a bakery sized double chocolate muffin as a snack a few hours later.

Maya, I know I'm quite a bit taller than you, but I was afraid of reaching 100 pounds as well. I originally thought that 95 lbs was the "perfect" weight for me as well. I know, I've got about 7 inches on you, but I too used the "small frame" excuse (I'm built smaller than my mother - who is also a petite 5'2")  Its absurd to think that you can be healthy at  a BMI 15. 

I was about 105 lbs when I started working and going back to school. If I hadn't reached a much  healthier place mentally - a place where I can eat food at work where people watch me do it and ask me 100 questions, and eat foods that I may or may not have planned for without anxiety - I would not have been able to do what I am doing now. But with the change in mentality and the subsidization of fear, I can lead a regular active life AND gain weight at the same time. 

Make small goals. Its much easier to deal with and makes the gaining seem like a less daunting task. My first goal was to reach 95, then I bumped it to 100, 105. I maintained 105 for a bit to give myself time to adjust to a weight that I had not been at in about 7 years. It might not have been the smartest choice on my part - I was only at BMI 16- but I did what felt right for ME at the time. I kept my calories up, didn't lose a single ounce. And after a few weeks of adjusting, I learned to like myself as I was. After going back to work and school and seeing what real people looked like - I realized that I was still very, very thin and could easily gain another 10-15lbs. So I'm gaining again. And far better off for it. It might take me a bit more time than expected, but I'm going to reach a healthy BMI. If I can do it after all these years, you can too. Remember that you're never alone in this. Even when your sister isn't doing so great and you start to doubt yourself, just remember that I'm only one state away, doing the same thing. <3

Long time no post! I've been super busy. But I got an earlier shift at work and am actually spending the night at home, so I figured I'd stop by and see how y'all are doing.  

Breakfast: 1/2c. oat bran cooked in vanilla soymilk with a pinch of cinnamon, 1 large sliced banana melted in, 2 spoonfuls of flaked coconut, handful almonds, 2TBS White Chocolate PB. Coffee with creamer.

Snack (in class): Plain yogurt with lots of honey, a chopped apple, and 2TBS of peanut butter.

Lunch: 1c. brown rice mixed with broccoli, roasted red peppers, and spinach and crumbled grilled tofu. Mixed with spicy tahini sauce. 

Snack: 1/4 c. almonds and raisins.

Snack (at work): Pecan pie larabar

Dinner (at work): Whole wheat wrap with 1/3 an avocado, cucumber, spinach, sun dried tomato and tuna

Snack: vanilla soft serve with chocolate syrup, chocolate chips and strawberries.

And BTW - on my birthday, I went out to Panera Bread, ate an entire sandwich there (and it was legit equivalent to two sandwiches. And not anorexic sammies either.) And followed that with two full-sized candy bars at the movie theater. I'm still so proud of me for that, I just had to share. 

Heavy Whipping Cream. 50 calories/TBS.  I used to cook oatmeal like this:

1/2 c. oats, 1/2c. soy vanilla protein shake mixed with 1/4c. HWC, 1 packet instant breakfast powder. Then I'd add any 3-4 items out of the following: banana, dried figs, raisins, cherry or apple pie filling, PB, chocolate chips, coconut flakes, trail mix, granola, almonds, walnuts.

I also did the same thing (essentially) to my daily yogurt messes. And I also added the HWC into cottage cheese, coffee, tuna casserole and mixed it into creamy salad dressings for veggie dip.

Not to be rude, but 10-15 pounds is really not close to your goal weight. Truly. I gained from 78 to 90 pounds eating what will probably be what I need to maintain. 

I had to make a choice, for myself. I was gaining, slowly for sure, but gaining about .5 lbs every two weeks eating X calories every day. I realized I did NOT want to be gaining on so few calories. I increased up to 3600 within 15 days and my metabolism skyrocketed. My cals topped out at 3800 because my mother insisted if I pushed it any higher, I'd never be able to maintain. So I ended up gaining 1lb/week on that amount. I was eating 1400 calories more than I had previously been consuming. That should have equated to a 2lb/week gain. But it didn't. Your body is still being starved and it is still afraid that food is not readily available to it. That is why you keep gaining on this amount. Increase up now, talk to your N about it. But do it. Show your body that you will take care of it as best you can and that it doesn't have to ever be afraid of being put through the trauma of starvation again. It might be hard, and you may gain a bit more than usual initially, but your body will thank you and show you that it is possible for you to eat as a normal, free person.

Maya, sweetie I do know that is very hard for you. Not in the same context, but I do know it is hard to feel that sense of comparison between yourself and someone else.  But you have got to take care of YOU and only you right now. Eliza is your sister, and maybe she is filled with the same nerves and thoughts as you are - but less open to admitting her anxiety. You know from past experience that when you push yourself, she follows suit. So please, please try to stop letting what Eliza does or does not do control what you do for yourself. You cannot let her and her problems consume you and possibly kill you. I know you want to be able to be there for her and support her and help her. But realistically - neither of you can help one another when you are so malnourished and removed from reality.

As a note: I was pretty bad off for a very long time. Longer than my blog probably lets on. I spent many months wavering around. Basically between the months of June and November/December of 2008, I gained about 5lbs eating up to maybe 2200 max (there were a few weeks in August at 2500, but I slipped) You know what its ended up taking for me to gain. My maintenance isn't going to be much lower. 

Bottom line: Both you and Eliza need to boot up to 2500 minimum. I don't care how short you are or whatever crap your ED tells you makes it OK to not eat that much. Whenever the ED is fueling your rationalizations  or thoughts on anything, you know that its not something you should believe. You need to eat. And you need to eat more than what you are now. Even if Eliza is unwilling at first, you know she will come around.  And you know, Eliza's biggest stumbling block is that her ED convinces she's a horrible person for holding you back. She truly punishes herself for what believes is her fault. So maybe, just maybe you taking that one tiny step forward will help her to realize that not everything is because of her, and that she can chose to recover too. Because both of you deserve a better life. A life that can only be achieved by getting past anorexia.