Posts by ladydanger_

i can't believe it's come back to me posting crap on here.

don't know if anybody here remembers me, but i was a member before i was put into In Patient for three months. ... since leaving, i gained halfa.. then another halfa kilo... and now i'm back down to what i was when i was put INto inpatient, i eat all the normal lot... fetta crumble fillos, ice cream three times a week(remind me to tell you of the magic land "Cold Rock". i eat whatever dad/mum cooks for dinner.. usually my own sandwiches.. i go out for dinner and never concentrate on calories.. i pick what i FEEL like.

I have an appointment and my first wiegh in in a fortnight this evening.

Started seeing a new fella, since then.. anxiety goes up...

It's winter so i don't want to leave the house but i "have" to exercise(coz thats healthy right!!??)

My sisters twenty first.. photos on my facebook if you wanna see.. but hell.. what the HELL have i done?

So i'm headng back into IP.

Half on my behalf half on my parents(who are leaving for UK in 9 weeks.)

Guys, this disease steals and rape syour life.

im sick of this.

(but cold rock... a cup of full fat ANY flavour ice cream.. with your choice of chocolate/nuts/nutella/milo/caramello koalas/tim tams/mint slices/fudge brownie... anything you want mashed in! i go three or four times a week after dinner.. its a 20 minute drive haha thats how good it is!

and im obsesed with thickshakes.. from like wendys or even mcdonalds if need be...calcium i guess.

this stinks.

i need a pep talk.

as mentioned before, this is not a direct hit at anybody.

i say this if anything in an over lovlingly way..

the only thing it's feeding is your eating disorder.

best of luck to everyone(hey here's a shout to you all, i've been ip'd i've been hospitilized.. i am still drastically underweight.. how about you all contemplate the fact i'm being dead set honest in saying get out and breath for a while.. this is a support network not a set of rules.)

noone can question my question but... don't you guys ever just eat what you want and not write it down?

i know the easy response, but look deep babies.. that's not the real reason.

get over obsessions and move on with your lives, it's been so long.. and you're still just counting adding minusing, skipping, skimping, losing out...

or you wouldn't be here anymore.

This is it ladies!
Mashed & Rebel  - you've no idea how much that calmed me. i think i've over packed. including both my pillow-lovers(don't stick to one, then you don't feel like a slapper). two doonas, so many books, ipod is filled to brim with RickyGervais Podcasts, Metal School Ensembles, Early to Late Punk, All Beatles albums(this took 4 hours) and plenty of good tunes. I spent two hours telling my cat i was leaving and getting frustrated that he couldn't understand me.. then this morning he wanted to cuddle and accidentally stepped on my throat... i dry reached for 10 minutes... what asweetheart....

But i'm kind of excited. I hope they don't put me on suppliments. I've done that, i like real food now. And i have appetite. But i am going to go along withwhatever they say. They DO know best, and the more i co operate the more they'll see i wanna get better.

Luckily i told all my professionals competitive anorexia is my biggest fear. Because i'll have no say in the matter. That'll be ED.

I'm not sure what to do for breakfast. So i'm finishing everything.

1/2C Oats with Protein Powder and One crushed Weetbix(seriously.. it's hi fibre.. but... i need some movement.. please!!!) Last drop of vanilla soy and Banana plus a Crumpet with Maple syrup. Tastes like a pancake:)

I don't know what the hell to expect he rest of the day.. so.... this way i've covered all main food groups.

Lala - i'm going to miss you so effing much. noone, or everyone says this enough.. You're just the bees knees. Without you around.. dammit we'd all be up the duff i'm fair sure of that.
You're not just the backbone of this place, you've helped young and old rediscover so fricken much about so much. From 'seriously why do they deep fry something that already came OUT of liquid...." People forget you're amongst recovery as well... and still handle the battle from both sides. I adore the fitted peter pan tights off of you. I'll eat a pie for you. With Mushy Peas. and HP sauce(i hate hp sauce. everyone else in my house could sniff it they love it so much.. blurgh)

i told my brothers about the i love pies teeshirt and they pissed themselves. they told me to take in books and dvds like 'jamie olivers best of' and 'oprahs favourite recipes'.. for a laugh.
"we'll make you teeshirts!!" and we sat around poking fun. Which is what i would have done to lift the spirit.
"Just tell them all they're too skinny."
"Constantly smile and whisper at your food... at least it'll make YOU laugh"
"Offer your food away like you're dealing drugs"

But at the same time, everyone is so supportive. My nephews don't understand. Gabriel asks me why i don't eat gummi bears with him anymore. :(

This is all good.
Guys, i am completely here while i'm away. To ALL of you. I love the absolute **** out of you.

Please everyone take care and just ... like everyone.. who isn't anorexic has always said.

'JUST EAT SOMETHING'

ANYTHING.
PB to Brocolli in Cheese Sauce.
I wanna be able to hug some real womens not anymore bags o' bones!
I've never met such a fit deserveing beautiful fricken group of people.

I'm taking one for the team, i expect you guys to work your way from the outside in... i'm going undercover ;]

XXXXX

potatoes potatoes potatoes tee hee hee.
I've slept with two irishman and im as green harted as they come so im alowed to poke fun... right?

I ATE MASHED POTATOES FOR THE FIRST TIME THE OTHER NIGHT

AND THEN CHIPPIES LAST NIGHT

AND TONIGHT..... BUM BEEMM BEAAMMMMM*dramatic music* i had POTATO SALAD! It was LAST new years day to the DAY i had it. I remember being so hung over at work and texting mum to make it coz its ALL i wanted.

But sour cream/onion/(light.. but mum made it) french dressing and potatos with she put in some sweet potato for me aww it was purple! but it was so aweosme.

the whole family came around and organized a bbq for me and cooked me salmon and roasted veges on the bbq.. it was just the best, my nephews brought me a little mummified teddy thing.. its called 'sumo' and its a keychain thing to keep with you and its slogan is 'to help you love your everything'.
but its called sumo! it made me laugh so hard. Its never leaving my side.

im kind of excited.
Mashed/Rebel/Anyone else.
What kind of foods am i expecting.. i know its different everywhere but.. from your experiences?
And what kind of things did YOU do when not ... eating/being watched.

?

xxx

Oh in IP we have to have Butter OR Margarine on any bread/toast/sandwich. No matter what. UNLESS authorised by a nutritionist.

Mine was the same, but i loved my nutritionist. I genuinely got along with her. Till i stopped taking the Suppliments. Everyone could see i was 'trying so hard' and still losing(i wasn't lying, i just wasn't telling them the truth.. i was exercising secretly still. to the point of blacking out). But when i was reaching 2500 and she'd see what i'd eaten(i'd write it all down) even though it reached 2500 calories she was like 'but you chose sushi over say... a kebab? or sushi.. over mcdonalds?) I always found that strange.

Anyway.
Tonight has been awesome and insanely .... insane.

My last writing of food

Breakfast - Oats with Sustagen (protein powder vanilla) chopped walnuts and banana.
Crumpet(my god i love crumpets!) with Blueberry/Cranberry Jam.(St. Dalfour the best jam EVER.)

Lunch - Cottage Cheese and Avocado Sandwich with Salad
Apple

Snack - Vanilla Chiller(like a thickshake/coffee/ice crush thing. seriously dairy isn't agreeing with me.. the thought of blueberries and yogurt made me vomit whilst in emergency the other night!! what the hell!)

Dinner - HERES THE BIG ONE!
CHICKEN KIEV WITH GARLIC BUTTER(so much butter it soaked through nearly ALL the fries!) I picked most of the crusty deep fried battered coating but still.. it was so good just to eat what i wanted and there was no guilt. Me and Nadsy ate nearly all my chips and i ate all the veges DIPPING into the garlic butter sauce. (this is my 10% naughty:P) It was to die for. The chicken COULD have been nicer.. but who cares!! it was so nice to see mum shocked that i reached across the table to grab a 'crispy fry!!' from my sisters plate.

When i got home i estimated dinner at 800 or so. still had yogurt with grapes and berries

Just then... i'd been craving this... very very very much.
CUP OF TEA WITH A TIM TAM SLAM!!!

(google tim tams guys.. ill send you ALL a packet if you don't have them there!)
You can never have one.. but i did.

I love you all so much
You're all doing so good. But just.. **** ed.
Honestly.. boobs, bum curves and HAPINESS beats the **** out of counting, measuring and comparing everything.

just go for it. no more piss farting around

xxxxxxxx

(oh mashed. PB and butter.. if you're looking for extra cals or.. just wanna be awesome one day.
two sliced of bread. butter on one. pb on the other. smoosh em together and microwave.....my brother use to do it.. i found it grotesque till i took a bite.)

x

I don't know how i'm gonna write this out. Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning 2am i woke up leant over my bed and started dry reaching(sp?) Grabbed my phone and ran upstairs calling my mum to meet me in the toilet. Don't know HOW i made it upstairs. By the time she got to me i was having a Seizure on the toilet floor. My sister was holding me up and told me i stopped breathing for a few minutes. Ambulence was called and i slightly rose as mum sped me into hospital(ambo took too long). They weren't sure if it were a stroke/cardiac arrest. As Lala has mentioned so many times. THis is reality.

2 days of sleeping/recovering meant i dropped a massive(i mean more than 3kg) of weight. When i COULD finally eat, i thought straight away of the high calorie banana/pb/toast combo. Made a 600 calorie sandwich and still dropped weight.

I will be better thna ever in IP as this **** can't happen. Please guys, THIS is reality. I thought i was dying. MUM thought i was dead.
And i've only just had the stomach to sit up after three days. No energy to even go to the toilet. Meant my muscles wouldn't clench which led to me toileting in bed by accident.

Guys, i'm 21. I use to be so strong in body and mind. And now i am a bag of bones with heart murmers and a soiled bed.

Please take care while i'm away. Though i AM taking a laptop in.

6 weeks minimum. Please know how much i care about all of you. SO much.
XXX

So glad to see you back Dolly, but remember. PLEASE never stop chowing!!

Lala taa so much for the vote of confidence/recipes. I'm gonna do up a curry tonight. Though it's gonna be a hottin'anny 29 degrees today AND I BOUGHT BLUEBERRY PLANTS AND STRAWBERRY PLANTS. And dug up my vege patch. If i'm not eating/cooking.. i'm flippin' plantin' the buggeries.

Wells, at least i'll get me some colour. Though i am extremly 'olive' lately.
Barr, it's too early to reply and i have an appt with Psyche in a bit. Not even chowed my own yet, though did have butter AND jam on my muffin... i smiled and made shifty eyes whilst gobblin' it down.

Will reply later.

(Mashed, Tartan queen! Could be the scottish blood,the highland dancer in me.. but i see plaid and i go ga ga.)
XXX

T2T - I am in actual fact hitting above my calorie goals each day, these toppings are merely just that, toppings. I don't add them in as numbers. I love egg yolks. It's one thing i don't get. I'm all for natural resources of fat, and our next door neighbour gives us his double yolkers. I didn't want 3 egg yolks scrambeled. So no, and i'm not trying to be cute about it. Sometimes i just wonder why it has such strength one day, and then i question it's where abouts the next. Thus proving how manipulative and strong Anorexia Nervosa actually is.

I haven't seen anyone 'binge' in actual fact i'm seeing the opposite. What gets me pass these phases of frustration is telling myself 'it took you 3 years of 'unhealthy' junk foods to gain about 10 kilograms...... three... years... and you didn't think TWICE about what/when to eat. You're trying to gain this in about a quarter of that time..And it does. Completely settles my head. What else does. Is using the 90-10 trick. Eat good 90, Deserve the 10. In OUR case Relax 90-Work it the 10. I like the 90-10 Trade off. I hate thinking 'oh no, i don't deserve to eat that right now, maybe when i'm at a healthier weight' wow, wow, wow.. hang about.. not ONLY should you eat it there and then to really grind EDs gears. Your brain is still malnourished. Going back to my Barely trusting oneself through recovery. Whch is why this group of ol' ducks is so good for everyone. To back eachother up. Funnily we cna notice eachothers mistakes and ED's before they can. Just not so much our own.

I'd love anyones Curry recipes!

Sophie - The PB Cookies sound awesome!! Make it fun at school! You sound like you have a good support network there. And i'm pretty sure they won't mind giving you a hand with mid day deserts!! Enjoy Recovery. One thing i'm still getting my head around. X

Poppet - It's even hard to question whether you're really 'stuffed' or not. Manipulative Bastard. That's all ED is. He can fool the wittiest fool in the world. Go against the grain! It is hard, but it is those tiny little accomplishments that add up. Smile about it. You can fool ED just as much, just don't give him the upper hand babe!

Slr - I am so tearfully proud of you. When i first started reading your posts to where you have come today. And to do that to donate your own hair through such a severe psychological disease. That, is proving what kind of people everyone on this board really are. Heartiest of Hearties. True Beauties of Bald and Beautiful. I tip my flatcap to you sweetums. Those tips are a keeper. I didn't even THINK of researching as to ways to prevent/keep it from harm! Just at how and why it was happening! I wear a bandana done 50's Crop nearly everyday. It hides where i am 'malting' i call it. Knowing its just making room for the good strong stuff wen i am.. good and strong. Same for you. XX

Gibbit - Being the carnivorously carnivoric MEATeater that i am. And Geelong(my hometown) being one of the famous 'Beoumont Pies' All i want lately is just a good Meat Pie. Maybe NOT meat though? BUT THEN WHAT DO I PUT THE MUSHY PEAS ON!!!

Lala - still so in love with that shirt.

And speaking of pies, i'll go to a damn.. petisare? thing to find the right one!!

Honestly, today was great. Minus my Dad.. sometimes he just should bite his tongue. Great man, if you love hearing the worst things at the best times.

Lauren: And i know you guys get sick of hearing me potter on about Anorexia but it's like ED's(his name is also Ed) just not THERE lately..
Dad: Yeah but he's waiting to jump out and get you when you least ex...
Lauren: What the hell.. why the hell did you have to say a thing like that?

*Later on that night, only he and I eating the dinner of Salmon and Vegetables i cooked*
Lauren: I love Salmon. Hey, you don't have to wait with me while i finish but thanks anyway
Dad: You've almost hoovered it off I'm not worried!!!
Lauren: *puts down fork.....* Sorry.

My sister is still throwing up, my Mum isn't eating.. and as Mashed has mentioned somewhere else about healthy eaters. She's had Lap Band surgery twice. Fairly 'healthy' minus all the crisps and chocolate and wine and FF everything except milk. My dad doesn't eat at all during the day but could polish off a loaf of white bread and butter as a snack.
And my sister.. eats everything and is a little tanky gorgeous wee thing.

Anyway. Eats.

Breakfast - Awesome Beautiful Great Wonderful French Toast with Maple Syrup and Blueberries and Banana.

Snack - Half 'BioDynamic' Yogurt Half Berry Yogurt

Lunch - Avocado and Cottage Cheese on Wholegrain Bread with the works(beetroot/lettuce/sundried tomatoes/onion.. as i said.. the works.)
Apple

Dinner - 200g Salmon
Small Sweet Potato
Brocolli & Sprouts
Bit of Dijonaise Mustard.. i barely count that in.

Desert - Le Rice 'Caramel Smooth' .. if you haven't had these.. eat it.
200g Grapes and more Blueberries
AND A DRIED FIG... COZI LOVE DRIED FIGS.. Seriously, thebest.

Snack - Oats with Caramel Sprinkles? and about 5 tiny dark chocolate chips i found in the pantry.

You can tell i love eating. Sheesh, noone ever call yourselves a pig.. look at that mess.

But honestly, where is ED.
I just want my boobs and butt back. And not try to fart and Pee myself.

x

Whats your outtake on Refried Beans?

I'm making My burritos tomorrow.
You can use Mince. But it's Baked Beans/Taco Seasoning. That's the whole secret really... Cheese/Lettuce/Tomato in a wrap.

Num NUm NUmmmm

x

I WANT ONE OF THESE SHIRTS SO BAD!

the closestthing i've found is a Teeshirt from Kmart with two Milk Cartons holding hands and skipping..................................... my sister thought it had something to do with Lactose Intollerance....."MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE!"

I'll just throw this out there, if i'm craving something. ED tells me to me to 'make my own'. Get Frolicked. If i'm gonna eat me a Meat Pie(AND WE'RE FAMOUS FOR PIES!) I wanna get me one. However, there is nothing more hideously grotesque than finding that one bit of gristle... and realizing how crap Meat Pies are.

However. I shall find me a pie, specially made. NO gristle.
I could rub it on a shirt? Then... take a photo..

hell i'm just trying to fit in now :(
Ni Ni Pets

X

"you know you're bored when......."

*you google "i'm bored, give me something to do"...

I come here when i'm feeling deprived of brain activity.
Plus my mouth is peeling from too-hot oats.

Which this morning consisted of*to follow thread*
2/3 Cup of oats
Half a huge frozen chopped banana
Scoop of Vanilla Protein powder(add ins, thanks rebel.. may as well use it up)
TBS of Chopped Walnuts
1/2 Cup of Vanilla Soy

Burnies burnines hot oats burnies.. however.. fecking beautiful!!

So it's about 12 and i'm gonna have snack.
My sister has been vomitting the past 24 hours for no reason and seeing her sick(shes training to be a cop and shes my baby sister.. only 20) is killing me. But i'm not allowed near her incase i catch anything!

Rebel - one thing... what the hell is pumpkin in a can?
Are we talking Pumpkin Spice? Pumpkin. as in, actual mashed Pumpkin? i love pumpkin. But i don't see nor do i understand the Oats/Pumpkin combination!!

And what is Greek Yogurt? Not a stupid question really.. is it more like a cream? Than a yogurt? Like Fat Free Natural Yogurt is more Sour Cream tasting. That's what i imagine.

Snack - Half Berry Yogurt/Half Cottage Cheese with some All Bran.. lordy knows i be needing it of late :|

Lala - TURN THE POOPIES GREEN WITH ALL THE LICORICE YOU CAN! I haven't had licorice in so long!!Red licorice is pretty awesome, but is it even licorice?

After eating peanut butter out of the jar with my finger last night, i decided natural crunchy peanut butter isn't at all nice.
Hazelnut Butter is better.. even if it is expensive.

My whole family HATE wholemeal/wholegrain/wholewheat(is it all the same?)
So i have to freeze it in batches. But i eat a sandwich nearly every lunchtime. I feel deprived if i don't eat the bread. Like i'm not getting enough Fibre/Carbs into my diet. And in my head.. that will help me gain. I dunno.

Man, i talk ****.

xxxxxx

So much to reply too! And also Lala i have a message on the way!

I had to see my Nutritionist this morning, which i feel kinda dumb for. I see THREE professionals a week.. even if i WAS working i wouldn't be able to ever actually ATTEND said job.

However i've been looking into courses, massage courses and just some day ones. Get into some different things.

Bit for Gib & Mashed - Like you said, i need to stop spending my money/time in suprermarkets(even coles and safeway!!) and deli's and health stores.. i'm sick of saying 'no, i'm just looking thanks'. Yeah, i forget how sick i look sometimes so i can only imagine what the actual shop keeper is thinking..And well done for cleaning out the closet! Although mines the opposite, i cleaned out all my 'BIG' clothes because they were triggering. So now i wear the same things everyday. And feel i don't  "deserve" (there's that word again)  new clothes until i gain the weight!

But then again, if i really like something i'll buy the size i WANT to be. All my jeans are rediculously loose on me and it hurts to wear a belt. Mums Christmas present 'Pillow Husband' was the perfect gift. I don't know how i lived without it. Taking that into IP will look good. I'll suck my thumb too.
Speaking of IP. I talked to my Pro's today. In tears, of course. I never signed any papers or gave any word saying i was definately going in. This was meant to be a chance for me to 'take a look around' and meet the nurses. And they've all jumped the gun and said Right, 12th of January it is. Woah, Woah, Woah.. but i never shook hands on it.

I know alot of this is me freaking out. It's only 10 minute drive down the highway. However, it's not the food and that which is actually making me upset. It's being away from my family and my cat. My bed and my freedom. My backyard and my coffee. My Shower and MY bathroom.. the thought of brushing my teeth in somebody elses sink makes me gag.

I walked around the city with mum today(by walk, i mean stroll.. she hates me walking fast so we're always arm in arm) and everytime i think of IP it's like a rug is being yanked out again and i go into this terrible slum and start crying.

I know what is best for me, and i know they gave me 'enough time' to prove i could do it alone. But since having a date set i have upped to 3000, eating **** i hate. ie. peanut butter in oats. and adding nuts and oils to everything just to gain. Even though inevitabley i'll end up inthe same place!!!!

****!

Ichi - i'm a sucker for the dark lindt chocolate balls. i'll have one tonight, coz i can. and i **** deserve it. as do you sweets!

I need to take my own advice, i wrote something the other day. How should i be listening/trusting myself when so malnourished? YES, still malnourished. UNTIL OF HEALTHY WEIGHT. That goes for everyone. We can't trust ourselves twenty four seven for the mere reason we aren't at the point where our brain knows exactly whats going on. Until we hit that mark ED has the upper hand.

So as i was saying, is it possible to trust ourselves? I, for instance HUGE fear of carbs lately? I had half a cup of oats for breakfast. with add ins(ie. nuts, soy, banana) then snack i had a leda bar.. (the nutritional information had me confused. only showing the serving size as half a bar.. therefor i'd been eating 58g of carbs in one bar. The calories didn't bother me.. the carb count did...) then i had a wholegrain sandwich.. with 28g for two slices.. so then i didn't have carbs with dinner... even though i'm having oats later on....and what does all this mean???? that Ed is a fricken manipulative bitch with no proper sense in the world.

Okie - Mwa Honey Mwa.

this is such a rave on, i';m sorry.

Gibbit.. GET ME SOME O THEM TIGHTS IN LEOPARD!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

*EDIT*

I found my old Pencil Skirt just before and that was the bit of inspiration to down two lindt balls (baby ones) and add a TBS of PB to my oats! FIRST TIME EVER!

I don't get it, it was just a bit more crunchy. I'll stick to Fresh Chopped Walnuts.. still get the taste with the grit!

I'm midnight showering, shake up the ocd anyway i can.

Whats some good Dinner Ideas? We should make Breakfast/Lunch/Snack/Dinner Threads off support. if there aint none(apart from recipe one) already?

x

No matter what i do .. by the 12th of January i am going to be in Hospital for Anorexia Nervosa.

To most highschool buddies and associates.. if i'd said this a year ago? I would have had people rolling around on the floor trying to pick up the guts and jollies they just lost.

However,

Last weigh in (2 weeks ago) 53.3KG
This week - 53.8KG

Better news being.. my heartrate went from 37 - 48

This was extremely good news for me. I worry about my heart alot. When the seatbelt of your car hurts because it digs into your chestbone? you knew you've done some real damage.

From 010109 i have suceeded in not one ounce of cardio.. be it starjumps or running on the spot.
And i added nuts. To whatever i could. Yogurt. Oats and Nutbutters to oats.

Because, as first mentioned. If i gain 5kg within a week.. im still going to be in hospital.

i love you all.

Rebel, you was in my dreams last night you was! Thinkingof you very much babe. (lauren mcmanus on facebook! do it up!)

x

A sleep in, not had in so long 'have to eat breakfast at *.**AM'
A bowl of oats and a tablespoon of walnuts with half a cup of vanilla soy 'dad, if i can not see the walnuts.. and they have sunk.. that is a sign i should add another tablespoon... agree with me' 'yes lauren, i don't know what you just said.. but i agree whole heartedly'.

Hogmanay was amazing, at the 30 second countdown me and mum were in tears over hospitilization. Then i realized. 2009, what better chance to rid myself of such a shoulder crunch.

We own this.
We can do this.
We have eachothers backs no matter what.

So Mashed along side you i tip my hat and try to scramble us all into one big cooshy kinda jabby at the moment uncomfortable group hug with the confidence.. with the KNOWING.. that none of us, will know ourselves this year.

Regaining in more sense than one.
I love you all so much.

New Years Day.. thank lordy Sushi-Huts don't celebrate it for another month or so!!!

XXXXXX