Posts by livingindubai08

5 days and going strong... I am feeling no desire to binge right now and it feels like i've taken a drug, i dont know this feeling.  They call it the 'pink cloud' because you feel so happy, like there is serious hope of beating this thing.  I dont know if it will work for everyone, but i have thrown out my xenical (expensive diet drugs that i have been addicted to for 8 years -- and i have NEVER thrown out.. in fact, keep them in every nook and cranny i can find - now they are tossed, i will never again abuse my body that way).

I know what you mean about being an athiest, i'm not one, so handing it over to "god" was something i could do, and have done -- however in my group there are plenty of ladies who are athiest/agnositc... they said they found a spirtual side... the universe, anything that they know is 'greater' than them and it has worked. 

Personally, i think its the amazing support, the understanding, compassion, the sponsorship program.. to me it all just feels like a huge hug around me that i needed SO badly....

Its early days for me, but for the first time in 20 years i actually feel hopeful that i can manage (not cure) but manage this thing and have a long, healthy life. 

Good luck, again, i'm so sorry because i know the pain so very well..

Safina1  - The reason i am teary-eyed is not because of my specific weight, its because i have a mental illness that has taken over my life for the past 20 years with no signs of stopping.  I know this is about a lot more than the scales.

I know people have it a lot worse than me and i have a lot to be thankful for, but unfortunately these things dont 'cure' me... as i realize now this thing is a lot greater than just me being a silly girl about my weight.

There is nothing 'wrong' with being 127lbs... but there is definitely something wrong with shoving 10k calories down my mouth.   I know my insides are suffering because of this abuse.  

Its not really about Dubai, its harder here, but i have lived in three different countries and did the same thing in each... This thing is inside of me and will follow me anywhere.  

I truly wish i could just 'change my surroundings' and it would fix, but i think i know after all these years, thats just not going to do it.

My husband is amazing and supportive - but he is also 'fed' up with me... he wants a happy wife, and so he should, he deserves one!

I know a huge list of reasons for my depression, ranging from family influences to childhood trauma, however without real professional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy i dont think i can 'undo' all the years of bad habits alone :(

lalabanana thank you so much

Just remember that to be in the position they are in .. they TOO are suffering.... in desperate times 'misery loves company'.   You dont understand why someone would think it was a 'good' idea to message a recovering anorexic... but when you're ill and desperate.. 'good ideas' arn't really that frequent.

Cut her slack and tell her that you want her to get help.. but you are not strong enough to give it right now.

I am in a constant battle with this too... I think my 'ideal' looking weight is 110 lbs (any less than this on my 5'3 curvy frame is not good.. i start to get bony chest and lose my curves)....

110 is really not healthy for me though because i simply cannot maintain it and be balanced.  I think in reality at 31 years of age maintaining my weight at 115-117 lbs is more realistic.  I can eat 1800-2000 calories, work out every day and have a better chance of not binging.

Of course it means i dont have that six-pack stomach that i was getting compliments on left and right at 110... but it also means i'm not living in a private little nightmare of food fantasies and food deprivation.

Yes... aiming for 115-117 range is my goal for 2009... I want to kick the binging cycle in the bum.

Horses for courses!   I dig Oatmeal purely because it fills me up, i have instant kind, lower sugar 110 calories, and i am full afterwards.. most 100 calorie foods wont fill me up.

Peanut butter.. .well yes.. it is a fantasy food of mine, needs to be drowned in melted chocolate though:)

Finally cereal.. Yeah .. 'meh'.. I like it and all.. but it neither fills me up nor makes me feel particularly satisfied... i'm likely eat on munchking because cereal is too light and airy to feel full on .. IMO.

Sure there are better things that those three foods.. but i can still see their appeal.  Of course if we were giving love out to 'healthier' foods.. i'd be giving it to freshly baked wholemeal bread drizzled in a bit of olive oil.

Sandrako.. Thank you so much for your kind words.. its exactly what i needed..

I do live in Dubai (moved from USA with husband a year ago), he is away more than here and will be for at least the next year.  I have been busy trying to make friends and 'get a life' .. but its not the same as my home where my family are. 

I know i need to be stronger and 'get over' this lonliness and realize how blessed i am.

Thanks again... i'm going to try to stay healthy this Christmas season.. its definitely the hardest time of year!!

As pathetic as it sounds, i know i'm addicted to them and the thought of throwing them out brings about a lot of anxiety.  I have thrown them out before, but tend to go buy some more (easily sold over the counter here) post binge.

I guess its a bit like telling a bullimic to 'quit purging' or 'quit taking laxatives'... easier said than done.. but then again, i chose not to do these things because i read about the severe damage they both do to your body.   I guess i'm looking to find similar info on xenical to scare me.  When i read that xenical blocks 30% of you fat (and i see the evidence of this), as well as no real evidence that it will hurt me.. its a very difficult thing to give up.

As far as the 'disgusting' factor... i guess the only reason it doesn't bother me, the same reason fishing cake out of the bin and eating it during a binge doesn't bother me is because during that 'binge mode' .. my self esteem is in the toilet along with xenical's hard work.

I am only just starting to face my fears with this and wish there was a "xenical anonymous" site... as i did not know it would be so hard to give up... its an addiction like anythingelse... and I have no excuses for it, other than i'm being very weak!!

Thanks for your responses so far Gi-Jane, they are sensible suggestions to what i know are irrational behavioral patterns.

PB is like the bad-boy my Mum warned me about..

We cannot just be friends, when we are together its all or nothing..

Of course PB has good qualities.. but we bring out the worst in eachother through excess and debachery..

PB is never just sasfied with a little encounter... its marathon that usually ends in a threesome with melted chocolate..

I, too, have set PB free!!

I think the diet is fine if you stick to it.. although i dont know how it includes enough vegetable servings as well as enough grains.. That was my only problem with sticking to it full-time.

What i am doing is only giving myself Christmas day and New Years Eve.  The other days are NOT holidays to me.  They require me to work out and do my best at healthy eating.  I have Christmas parties to attend etc.. but i will only make healthy choices..maybe a treat here or there.. but these arn't 'cheat' days to me.

Christmas Day, i am with my husband and kids and if i fancy something i'm not going to deny it. 

New Years Eve is big gala party with friends.. so i'll eat the canapes and drink the champagne and toast the new year in.   I won't work out New Years Day.

But come January 2, you better believe i'll be on that elleptical...

Thats my Plan.. Hopefully i'll stick to it!:)

A few of my favorite good 'fats' foods..

Hommous, olive oil, almonds, salmon, avocado

I can totally relate.

There is a strong line of eating disorders in my family, but the problem i have is none of them have been officially diagnozed, so they still think its 'ok' to be so weight obsessed.

The eating disorders are more along the lines of weight obsession and unnatural obessession with bodies.  My Nanna however is anorexic, she is 83 years old and has been under 40 kilos for many years, we are all surprised that she is still alive. 

My Mother and her twin, my Dad, Nanna.. all of them ... absolutely obsessed with bodies, weight... and they are without a doubt my worst trigger for weight issues.

Everybody spends the whole day talking about weight gain, weight loss.. what they can or wont eat .. and its very stressful for someone like me with my own recovery.

All i can say is this (because i live out of the country too)... Grit your teeth...  know that you cannot change these people, but you CAN change your mindset.  You can go in with a healthy mind... focus on good conversation, IGNORE anything to do with weight and food.. Enjoy yourself .. Be Healthy and know that some families, no matter how much you love them are better at a distance:)

If you can do it, Oatmeal is probably the most filling thing i eat.. especially if i have it with a bottle of water or diet coke... can keep me going for hours.

My ABSOLUTE favorite work out song... and i'm sure i owe this song 2 or 3 lbs of weight loss is :

Rihanna.. - "Hey Mr DJ" (the song is called something else but if you google that, you'll find the song).