Posts by sparkle7c

carmen--in fact, i do not want people to justify my decisions of that day. i also do not want to hear that all i need to do is eat. when i hear that the thoughts that come to mind are 'oh my gosh how simple then! why you should spread that thought around and cure the millions of other sufferers! just eat! that IS all it takes to cure an ed! oh and how easy it is too!'---being a sufferer of an ed befoer im sure you know the agony that comes with convincing yourself to do something that is as seemingly simple as eating enough. that day, for whatever reason, i was in such pain over that task. as i stated before i KNOW and was willing to admit that i needed to eat. and that day, knowing that was not enough to make me do it.

perhaps you missed the part where i stated "it tacks on another 200 but i know that is still not enough" and "i know this is not okay and i do not want to prolong the return of any ed behaviors". i thought that made it pretty clear that i was not saying my behaviors were okay and helping me or that i wanted someone to tell me that i was right in not eating.

it's interesting that you and fidget both assume other people have been through more than i have without knowing anything about me.

let me give you a general rundown of my experience with ed.--and keep in mind that even with my history i am well aware that other people have had even worse experiences with me.

third grade--my pediatrician told my mom i had anorexia and that we should fix it by taking away everything (friends, tv, pets) until i ate more.

fourth grade--i move to a new school and have gained weight. teasing and bullying began to make me even more isolated and i began to restrict foods again.

sixth grade--i passed out during gym class from dehydration and malnutrition and upon leaving the hospital begin seeing my doctor biweekly. i gain weight and the stress of it (at the time no one thought to have me see a therapist) makes me binge eat and then starve. this is also the year i start purging by self-induced vomiting.

9th grade--i'm still not "thin enough" so i begin exercising as i wake up and before i go to bed on top of it all.

10th grade--im now binging and purging at a minimum of 3 times a day. sometimes i even stay home sick just so i can binge and purge all day and my mom has to get another a doc note so i can pass to the enxt grade ive missed so much.

11th grade--i decide i could really max the weight loss if i didnt eat except for binges/purges! taht year is the year my mom tells me i look the best ive ever looked. its also the year that my boyfriend breaks up with me bc of all the time i cancel with him so i can be alone with my ed behaviors and the year i skip the prom because im "too fat"

12th grade--i black out again at school and the nurse suggests to my mom that i see a nutritionist and therapist for an eating disorder. my mom tells her that i am far too health-conscious to have an eating disorder. my dad grounded me for a month because i'm 'being ridiculous and should just friggin eat already'

1st year of college--i move in with my aunt who convinces me i have bulimia and need help. she gets me a doctor and a therapist and a nutritionist. i try my hardest to do what they say but can't seem to do it. this year is the first year i attempt suicide.

2nd year of college--parents insist i move home. for some reason i listen. i quit therapy. second suicide attempt--which happens after i try to eat pizza with my family and end up binging on it, right in front of them

3rd year--my therapist recommends a psychiatrist who recommends an Inpatient center. i start getting better under 24 hour care. and can move to partial day. still getting better, happier than ever, healthier than ever

4th year--having put off school for a year i go back part time and am feeling good--recovery oriented.

now---ive been through 2 more rounds of IOP->partial-> outpatient->just therapy/nutrition. im not all that unhealthy...i manage work and school and most of the time follow my meal plan without support from my parents or friends. i have a wonderful boyfriend who helps when he's not away. and sometimes i stumble and ed gets to me. so i try my best to reach out for help where i can and get back on track as quick as possible. although i dont see a therapist right now because my work sched. interfered with hers im looking for a new one, i see a nutritionist every two weeks and check in withmy pcp every month.

so to anyone who thinks i should "just start eating" or to anyone who thinks i don't understand the hellish reality of illness and recovery and what it takes to get better **** YOU

yes i do know i need to eat more. that is why i posted my frustrations asking for help. i'm sure in your recovery you were not perfect either. i only meant to point out that i KNOW i needed to eat more that day and i was having hard time doing it so i wanted help. the way you phrased it made it sound like you were saying i should like i was being petty--and i wasnt, i was feeling afraid and out of control. throughout my recovery ive had so many people tell me they don't understand why i think im fat, why i cant just eat and why dont i just 'get better' and i was hoping people on here would understand how hard it is some days to do that because EDs voice can still be SO STRONG telling me that im worthless and ugly and a failure and i dont even deserve to eat. i am trying the hardest i ever have to get well, unfortunately it is not as easy as 'just eating more'. if it was for you then im very happy for you.  i'm very sorry it was so misunderstood and i am also sorry if it was triggering for you because i would never try and do that intentionally. but when you were recovering didnt you ever have days when you felt hopeless and stuck because even though you kenw what you needed to do to get healthy u felt like doing that was wrong? if you never felt that way then you are the exception to the rule. i see now that you were trying to help but your response was so much like my dad's and some of my friends who think my eating disorder is because i dont understand nutrition facts and they dont understand why i cant jsut **** eat like a normal person--in other words, they dont understand a **** thing about how powerful an eating disorder can be and they certainly dont see how hard ive worked to come this far. i dont need that **** here too so maybe i was a little defensive. although just an fyi, your post did not help me to get back on track and eat more but the other posts did so you may want to rethink your tell it like it is strategy.

at any rate i've been considering leaving CC, thinking i've been spending too much time on here and thinking about 'dieting' when i shouldnt be so hopefully that will make you very happy as you will never have to see a 'triggering' post where i admit i need help again.

some people have such a hideous personality--and for the record i think you're beautiful!

i LOVE cadbury eggs and cadbury brand chocolate eggs with the candy coating...and anything reeses definitely tastes better as an egg or bunny!

thank you too abbi--i just saw your reply as well. I actually have gone through a handful of ip and partials and op programs but ended up stopping my therapist appt. because with school and work we couldn't fit into her schedule. However, usually I do pretty well so I was a little taken aback that I didn't the other day--it just seemed to come out of nowhere. I am back on track today so I'm feeling a little more confident again. But you are right sometimes the ED voice does override our true voice so I think I'm going to take the preplanning advice and actually preplan meals for the weekend and make sure i eat some of the time with my bf.

Hi,

I hope you find the support you're looking for here :)

Do you eat compulsively where you feel out of control, are eating past fullness and just can't stop yourself? You might want to look into seeing a therapist or counselor because that definitely suggests something deeper than just needing to 'eat healthy'. You can know all the nutrition facts in the world but if something is going on inside it won't do much good.

I hesitate to give out tips really because I used to think I ate so much and why couldn't I just eat healthy and people would try to suggest things to me and they never worked because what I had to deal with was really on an emotional level. However, if at any point when you feel you are overeating you can stop yourself and make yourself aware that you're going into this compulsive mode that is one step in the right direction. I think the next step is making yourself aware of the moment and switching to another activity--even if it seems like you've already eaten x amount why fret over a little more. And after that you can work on stopping earlier etc.

If you notice strong urges to eat that do not have to do with true hunger or possibly undereating for a time before that you could try setting a timer for fifteen minutes. When the timer goes off if you still have a really strong urge then let yourself eat....the trick to doing this is to do another activity while the timer is ticking away. You might find that you become engrossed in something and the craving goes away, or you may want to say 'well how about another fifteen minutes'.

Good luck Jamie!

--you become upset at the thought that dinner might not include a combo of protein, carb, fat and vegetable

--you discourage 'diet' talk

--you dress to make your body feel comfortable not just because it makes you look thinner

i think mars has a pretty sound outlook

even if you were going to have a candy snack or something similar nutrition-wise once in awhile it's not going to be healthier than one thing or another. if you were going to have a nonnutritious snack one day i dont think one is really going to be all that much worse so it just depends on what will satisfy your craving--sugar or fat?

an entire giant hershey bar (not king size but the BIG one)

roast beef...don't know why it really grosses me out now

huge bowls of ice cream with big spoonfuls of peanut butter on top

i know it seems horrible now but you will reach a point where you can eat when you're hungry and stop when you're not and be fine about it--i'm still on the path to that place myself but i know people who have done it. keep up your work in recovery though. it might seem weird and uncomfortable but you are actually doing what your body needs and you won't need it forever (and you really will stop binging). for now, try and get support from friends and family and here if you need it, relax and be gentle with yourself. this can be really difficult but i suggest trying to do soemthing nice for yourself after a binge--like taking a *leisurely* walk, or a bubble bath or reading a good book or watching a fave tv show, doing your nails etc. that helped me although it was hard to do at first

Congratulations  

My thoughts are that it would be perfectly acceptable and reasonable to have a vegan only reception if you wanted. It's about celebrating you and your fiance and the things that are important to you, that bring you together. Honestly if a wedding meal is going to completely ruin someone's time at the wedding then they probably weren't going to enjoy it anyway! I think you should do whatever makes you and your fiance comfortable. Plus I swear vegan cakes are better than nonveg ones.

i've had some pretty gigantic binges but i can't really recall what they were...probably because i'm so out of it when i binge. what do you mean irregular binger? what's regular? i've never really talked about binges before--makes me too uncomfortable to talk about them in person.

there are many signs of eating disorders (and they vary depending on type of eating disorder symptoms etc)

some of the signs can be:

isolation/depression

preoccupation with food, diet or exercise

significant weight gain or loss

spending hours exercising

leaves for the bathroom immediately after eating

however, ed's can be verrrry tricky and these signs are only a starting point, and honestly, not even a great one at that.

someone with an eating disorder can be emaciated, normal weight, overweight but they will all have feelings of low self esteem and sadness

you probably won't know if someone is in starvation mode. that's really for doctors to figure out.

to be diagnosed with anorexia someone needs to have lost 15% of their weight or not acquired 85% of their weight. if there are symptoms of anorexia but the weight criterion is not met the diagnosis is EDNOS. likewise, if there are symptoms of anorexia and bulimia but not enough of one or the other the diagnosis is EDNOS. that said, the actual label doesnt matter so much as the general idea that there is a problem and it needs to be fixed.

whoa. yup you definitely need to be consuming more than 1000! especially if you're exercising! my guess is your nutritionist will probably encourage you to eat more lean proteins, healthy fats etc. to up your cal intake without relying on donuts and snickers to bump it up. i think that's pretty sound advice. continute to eat with nutrition in mind but aim to make more well-rounded meals.

Cari_humphries reminded me: I whisk together a little dijon or spicy mustard with vinegar (usually rice vinegar) and it makes a very good salad dressing for practically no calories!