Posts by mawata

Fine. I'll eat this way forever then, if I can't find true whole answers that people don't just say "Get fat, sucks for you, at least you'll be healthy and happy, well except the second part maybe because your flipping anorexic and you'll never be happy with your self so ya, good luck with hating your body the rest of your life, but at least you'll have energy to do it if you get big"

Instead of really talking me though an giving me reasurance that no one in my life will.

i am sorry if I have really triggered anyone...

weird but, I notice how some sugar free candies say they may produce a laxative effect... would eating a couple pieces help/do anything for me?

Thank you very much, I don't generally eat too many organic products..

But now that you mention it I did/have had some Oikos (I think it's organic) Greek Yogurt that didn't seem quiet right when I ate it. (Could that be it?)

But I will try the coffee, and if that doesn't work, I'll tell my mom (she is a nurse btw, about the yogurt and my guess is the only way I will get around this time will be another enema XP )

Oh, so if I started eating 1700-1800 cals

I would go from 5'8 and 107 back to 120?

Wow, is it really possible to MAINTAIN in the high 90s at 5'8 while eating that much?

Or do you have some what of a fast metabolism? I believe I eat any more than 1200 and my weight will start climbing back up... then again, while I was re-feeding I only need like 2100 to gain like ten or more pounds....

My sisters are brats, they have been proven to be so, my family is so royally screwed, it's really worse to get any more involved. One of the reasons I even got an ED was because I DID put forth my all and fell short in everything, even though I was the one who never seemed to quiet, it wasn't me who would drop out first, most people even asked why I even bothered trying at all the things I was because I failed so badly.

I have ALWAYS put my all in school, truth to be told, I am not that smart, and where I live.... people think I am joking, sometimes I am so stupid in academics. I have no real talents that I have naturally or seem to be able to work up (I am still trying all sorts of things: sports, drawing, cooking, writing, helping, etc) and practice. No luck.

I just wanted to be able to have SOMETHING that is important to me, and this is.

But apparently I have failed at even freaking putting food in my mouth properly!...

And all anyone can say is "eat more"... then what? I am bigger and.....? 

Boyfriend thing similar with me btw.

Well I think as well all you know they play out one after another almost every day. I know they run through my mind like crazy, they are the reason why "recovering" just about drove me off the edge. I kept thinking "Why are you making me go back to being that ugly ugly person?! Why do people who have fast metabolisms and are naturally thin get to stay where they are and, me, who worked their ass off, being made to gain weight?!" Definitly not a time...

But yes, I have many memories but the one that even if it (sadly) may not be the worst, always chimes in every moment someone asks what may have started it all.

In seventh grade my best friend told a boy I had a crush on for almost two years that I liked him. I was on the other side of the room but the thing I heard loud and clear was this "Her?! But she's so ugly!" I look over and sure enough....

Also those cringing comments you over hear from the girls who point and say stuff like, "It's okay, at least your not as big as her" or "Don't worry your not that ugly"

And having most every single one of my friends being petite didn't really help when looking back at photos or games that required anything having to do with size or weight etc. Then the Owen self disapproval of how I looked. My dad also constantly told me how I could never be small or petite, never gonna happen, I am stuck with a large build, that was, though, something that more so kept me going (trying to prove it wrong)

And in response to your other posts, 

I have gone to treatment before, and have been mentally scared for the rest of my life and has now just put me here, even more confused than before and maybe even worse, since it completely destroyed my 'first year' of high school, and possibly my entire high school career.

They said once I was at a healthy weight I would be able to think properly again etc, they wouldn't make me 'fat' and things would be better. Nope. They are worse, I did look terrible, my thoughts stayed the same, I got even further into depression, and still hated my self if not more. Only difference? I was about fifteen pounds heavier and looked like a troll. I am not trying to lose weight, even though in my mind I am not/ never will I be as thin as I want, I just want to be where I am at least able to live with. I guess my only question would be is if I HAD to continue eating this much to do so, and if so, I am disapointed, but not heart broken.

I, speaking for myself, would rather be able to at least crack a small smile when I look in the mirror or be content with how I am than get to have an extra slice of cheese on my sandwich or a plate of pasta etc. Because I have seen myself at the 'healthy weight' and I look like a giant compared to my friends, even my sister who gets to be naturally thin... I couldn't ever live like that.

I think it is hard sometimes when your not necessarily an anorexic&nb sp;or whatever but never the less your eating is indeed disordered and even your mind set on it, but this mind set also prevents most people (such as me) from going to get 'help' in fear that it will in turn make us the exception whether or not we are, and our fears will come true. 

Knowing this I for one can not be the one to tell you to seek medical help on the issue because if you really are how I am, you'll feel that it's probably best but just completely ignore it.

But I wish best of luck that both of us can find a happy and healthy "middle-ground"

and I have to say congrats on even coming this far, I remember when I thought going onto 1200 would take a risk at weight gain. Now I am eating that now, who knows maybe it's just one step at a time kind of thing until we realize everything will be fine?

Don't they also have/had a Green Tea Mcflurry in Germany?

I could have sworn I saw a German Blog w/ one, looked SOOO good (and SOO much smaller than the regular mcflurries my sisters get, heck its smaller than our smallest)

Sorry, curiosity XD

Hey! My sister and I have that "bored" feeling too! 

That didn't even cross my mind, but it's true, there are a lot of things that are good but after the first three or four bites just get boring, thats why I end up with a purse of half eaten food mid day. Now that I think of it, that is pretty much how I never let myself be deprived of anything recently. 

Like we will get a large baked good, split it, and snack on that though out the day or week, hmm, I think it's pretty self explanatory right?

But anyways, I completely agree on the pasta thing, can NEVER get through a plate lol.

Well being in self recovery somewhat of ED, I can say from my standpoint that it really just comes down to everyone is programmed differently and sad to say but for me "self discipline" doesn't sound like such a great quality as to how much of it I have given myself. If that makes any sense. 

Though, if you do something enough I am pretty sure it will become a habit, I used to eat one fattening thing after another when I was a kid but now they on most days don't even appeal to me as much. Now my mind just gravitates to teas, coffee, water over sugary drinks, taking a walk next to laying around, and actually craving naturally healthier options without any real ED thoughts coming into play. 

Oh dear, I also remember practically having a panic attack and crying myself to sleep at night because I mistakingly took a sip of my Dad's non-diet coke at double daves once instead of my diet dr.pepper

Maybe just take a crunchy granola bar and smash it up a bit?

Thats what I do with a lot of Kashii TLC bars, and that way you also have many flavors to choose from and already portion controlled aka no measuring~ (I pair one with a market pantry yogurt yummm!)

Popcorn (Not really high calorie but, I thought a regular sized smart pop bag had just 30 calories XD)

Gquaqamolie .... ^^;

Bannanas in general I thought where a big less

Learned early, but still surprising: Nuts.

Ice cream, 1/2 a cup, when I was little I ate HALF A BOX T.T

Granola