Posts by markm11

JOTD

The First Man in the Bible

A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.

"Hoss." said Willie.

"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."

"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."

For any who do not remember the Bonanza TV show, sorry.

JOTD

Kids on the Old and New Testaments

This comes from a Chirstian elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Anyone having a Labor Day picnic this weekend?  Here are some things I am thinking about making. Got these from a nice healthy eating article.

Baked Beans are easy to prepare and packed with protein and fiber. Go easy on the bacon and added fat.

Pasta Salad, prepared with whole-wheat pasta, onions, black olives, cherry tomatoes, shredded mozzarella cheese, and low fat Italian dressing, is loaded with complex carbohydrates, calcium and healthy fat.

Fruit Salad—a blend of watermelon, cantaloupe, white seedless grapes, and blueberries—makes a colorful centerpiece. It also provides antioxidants and phytochemicals, plus fluids to help hydrate the body.