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| Health & Support | ED Recovery Club II (the REAL one) | Mar 18 2008 23:04 (UTC) |
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| llinqu01 - Perhaps I always knew that I was only feeding my addiction by claiming that I log just to check "i get enough nutrition". Perhaps I always lied to myself when i though "i dont care if they weigh 10-20lbs less than me". I was fooling myself when I thought "measuring is healthy, it teaches portion control" and "exercising is good, it healthy"
No, not perhaps, I was lying to myself It's all a load of crap I log on here to feed the panic that rises in my chest everytime the calories go up, so that I have an excuse to fall back. I do care that all the girls recovering are thinner than me, which again, excuses my relapse. Measuring is healthy, if you're trying to lose weight and don't have an obsessive personality to begin with. Exercise is good, unless you exploit it the way I do - using it as a fall back for when I slip away from anorexia. I'm leaving CC - for my own good and sanity. I'll be deleting my account, to make sure I don't come back. I'm deleting all the body fat percentage and BMI calculators saved to my favourites. I'm throwing away my food diary (which resides on my bedside table). I'm ignoring the nutritional content printed on the back of all the food packeges. I'm throwing away all the nutritional pamphlets from fast food places. I'm breaking contact with this community of wonderful recovery supporters because I can't co-exist with you without trying to destroy myself. I give it up. Counting calories, measuring food on scales, weighing myself, looking up low cal recipes, basing my whole existence upon this obsession. I give up concentrating on why I feel like this. I give up dissecting how I developed this disorder, how I can fight it, how I can get better, why I'm struggling etc. And I'm going to just play the hand I'm dealt with. I'm 17, I need to stop living like I'm 40. Good luck everyone. I wish you a long and healthy life. Thank you for all your support throughout my struggle. Thank you for all your kind words and all your good thoughts. Stephanie xx |
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| Weight Gain | Talk me into it? | Mar 18 2008 00:25 (UTC) |
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| Unfortunately, because of time differences, by the time I got any of your replies I'd already eaten and purged the granola (as well as any lunch I forced down) Thank you for trying anyway xx |
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| Health & Support | Asking questions to myself. | Mar 16 2008 23:25 (UTC) |
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| parents are absolutely clueless and stupid...
does your mum know about your history? sit down with her and tell her she is NOT helping. ask her why she made the comment and demand she never says anything about your body again unless its a positive comment. And even then, choose her words carefully. Anorexia/bulimia has a way of twisting all words and comments into negatives. Communication is key. {Hug} |
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| Health & Support | ED Recovery Club II (the REAL one) | Mar 16 2008 19:57 (UTC) |
1,186 |
I just wanted to say to you all: Thank you for the push forward. It's taken a lot of struggling and a lot of fighting (mental) as well as severe self-battering (physical) but I'm tempted to keep trying out this whole "recovery" thing. Muttlover, you are absolutely right. Thank you for your words of honesty, they've helped a lot. Oink, your example has inspired me to look forward to health again rather than fear it. And yoon, you are always so helpful :) Yes, I do believe I may be going through a stint of depression, however it is my belief that depression has been brought on by my inability to escape anorexia's grip. I'm just going to keep chugging along I guess. Without support my parents', but I'll work with what I do have: My best friend (who has never, never given up on me, I love her), my psychologist and the promise of a happier life. One baby step at a time. From today, I've decided to take the following steps to attempt to shun Anorexia for good (or at least for a while longer, let's be realistic)
I probably will only manage a few of these gradually, the ones that I am definately putting my foot down about are 1, 4 and 6. The rest will follow in due time. Keep at it girls, you can do it. |
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| The Lounge | ew...bikinis | Mar 16 2008 00:40 (UTC) |
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Original Post by swimchick_123: oh please... |
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| Weight Loss | Somebody, ANYBODY...please enlighten me! | Mar 15 2008 08:49 (UTC) |
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Original Post by sbanana7: excuse me, but i was under the impression that i replied to your post in a very respectful manner. I do not see why you need to call me ignorant and ridiculous. Please refrain from further insults, I was simply trying to help. I do not believe I deserved that kind of spiteful treatment, especially since I made it clear I was not critisizing you... That will teach me to try and help... rude people... |
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| Health & Support | ED Recovery Club II (the REAL one) | Mar 14 2008 06:15 (UTC) |
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I'm sorry about my last post guys However, I do not identify with what other posters who are struggling have written. It is not the weight, it is not really the food. It is the toll this disease has taken on those I love and the relationship I hold with them (or held, I'm not so sure they want to stick around anymore) I just feel so ... alone. I am fighting this completely alone. One person against an entire barricade of self destruction. And I can't do it anymore. I just can't. To the rest of you, I pray your support group never gives up on you, even when you give up on yourself. I pray that you will always have someone to lean on, someone to talk to, someone to hold you. I pray that you will never drown in the screaming loneliness of anorexia, not by choice, but because everyone's walked away. I pray that my experience is never yours. |
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| Foods | Going to Gourmet Burger Kitchen, which is lowest calorie choice? | Mar 13 2008 06:05 (UTC) |
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portabello mushrooms, aubergine, red pepper, sweet potato, camembert, rocket, onion and jam sounds like your safest choice... ask for no cheese, thhat's what i'd do |
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| Weight Loss | Candy and what not | Mar 13 2008 01:47 (UTC) |
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| u could always have trailmix n mixed nuts
replace low fat dairy with full fat if you are still having trouble |
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| Young Calorie Counters | What do you look for in your "Ideal Mate"? | Mar 13 2008 01:24 (UTC) |
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| Physical - taller than me (i'm only 5'2" so its not a high standard), nice eyes, cheeky smile, fuller figure (i like bear hugs! skinny guys can't do it as well as "thicker" guys lol) oh and short cropped hair, i hate long hair on guys Personality - understanding, nonjudegemental, accepting, flexible, outgoing, funny, independent (but still considers me) Am I too demanding? |
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| Health & Support | ED Recovery Club II (the REAL one) | Mar 12 2008 22:15 (UTC) |
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I don't have a simple or easy way to put what is going on in my head/life at the moment so I'll just write whatever comes to mind. Isn't it funny how you can think there's been some progress, that you are starting to embrace and live life and then all of a sudden the world gets overwhelming and you find yourself further back than before? I'm sorry if this post affects your mood today, if you find it triggering in any way, please inform me and I will be happy to delete it. So, the "positive energy" I was raving about? Gone. Yesterday the world collapsed, again, mother and I found ourselves locked in battle. Again. I've officially been disowned. She told me she can't handle the whole eating disorder thing. She asked (or yelled) if I was happy about what I was doing to her. "MONSTER, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? LOOK AT ME, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" No, I'm not. I never was. I'm starting to doubt I ever will be. Mum's partner, who has a small child, has decided it's gotten too much. So, on top of ruining my mother's peace of mind, I've also ruined her relationship. It all started because I woke up, already engaged in a mental combat with anorexia. Eat, don't eat, eat, purge, don't, wait, stop-screwing-with-my-head! - Suddenly I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to move. I just wanted to escape. Escape from myself. And it frustrated me to tears that I could not. So I refused breakfast and refused talking, and refused smiling - Apparently, me behaving the way I did came across as trying to control mother. Maybe I was, look I don't even know. Long story short, she is sick of it. So is her partner. "You're on your own, I can't do it anymore". Neither can I. Ever contemplated suicide? I did. I still am. What else is left? I've tried everything else. Please, don't reply to this with pity. I don't want your pity. I don't want simpathy. I don't want understanding. I just want this to end. For good. |
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| Health & Support | Recovering metabolism? | Mar 11 2008 20:54 (UTC) |
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bonnie - anorexia had the opposite effect on me, I have trouble maintaining any weight gain, usually if I go up a couple of pounds, in 3-4days I lose it, without necessarily having to starve ... weird huh... |
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| Foods | Dark vs. Milk chocolate great debate | Mar 11 2008 20:50 (UTC) |
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Original Post by cynthb: OMG, the past 2 weeks, I've had like 10 of those! They are soooo addictive! the sticky sweetness just draws me to them! The other day I had 2 in a row (yes, TWO) and half way through my second one I started to feel really sick. I guess my body can only tolerate so much sugar!! I ate another one 3 days later though |
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| Foods | Dark vs. Milk chocolate great debate | Mar 11 2008 04:02 (UTC) |
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| sun123 - yesterday I had THE strongest white choc cravings!! Milky bar has a new version, cookies and cream! MMMM....
dark choc is still good, especially cherry ripe, mint, coffee or with orange - or coconut! ok, I'll stop now before I drool all down my front haha However, I still prefer fine milk chocolate. So good... |
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| Weight Loss | Somebody, ANYBODY...please enlighten me! | Mar 11 2008 03:57 (UTC) |
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| Change professions?
Maybe your body is just not meant to weigh any less. We all have a set point. You seem to be at yours, don't punish your body anymore - by keeping it on "diet" intake, you are doing more harm than good. Eat maintanance, and deal with not weighing less. Seriously, this could turn ugly. My post is directed with concern, not critisism... |
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| Weight Gain | Afraid | Mar 11 2008 03:55 (UTC) |
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| at 16, and 5'7", you need 2000cal to go through everyday.
Add activity (+300) Add calories to allow your body to heal itself (+300) and you got yourself a pretty large number to MAINATAIN. (2600-ish) Eating under 2000cal will plain and simply keep you in starvation mode. You will gain, at first. Probably will never lose the first 5-6lbs you gain unless you starve yourself again (you need those lbs to protect your organs) My advice? Throw out the scale, or hide it. If it's a trigger, it's best be avoided. at 1000cal, you are doing no good. Bump it straight to 2000cal. Hold it until you feel comfortable (a week or two), and add 100-200cal a week after that until you hit 2500+ Depending on how your progress is going, manage the calories. Example, if you see your body is recovering quite quickly (muscle mass increases, more energy, and generally a healthier look) you can bring those cals back down to 2000cal, or just stop counting and use intuition. However, in some cases, even 2500+ is not enough, which means you'll have to keep adding until it IS enough. Whichever that number may be (for some it's 3000+ so don't be afraid!) The longer you keep your body at a low cal intake, the more it will get used to it and maintain on incredibly low numbers. Your body has the ability of maintaining on 1000cal AND 2000cal - I know which one I'd rather (especially since you are missing out on important nutrients by eating so little) Take back your life. Good luck. |
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| Weight Loss | Just a question..that I'm sure will spark a debate.. | Mar 11 2008 01:38 (UTC) |
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| "I think the difficulty comes when people are more concerned with having quick results than being healthy. In that case, I recommend amputation. Think how much those pesky arms weigh!"
LOL omg, you're killing me.... |
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| Motivation | fell of the wagon.... | Mar 11 2008 01:33 (UTC) |
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| at least you only have to lose half of what you started out with. There's always a bright side :) | |||
| Foods | What snack/food do you turn to, in order to head off a binge? | Mar 11 2008 01:31 (UTC) |
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| If I'm bingeing out of supressed hunger, I find something high fibre (like oatmeal)
If I'm bingeing out of emotional supression, I reach for company from people I care about and love. I reach for someone to listen, hold my hand and reassure me. I reach for conversation, a smile, a kind word. I reach for human touch. I reach for acceptance. And then food isn't so important anymore...:) |
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| Weight Gain | What do you wish to gain? | Mar 11 2008 01:30 (UTC) |
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| I wish to gain self-love, self-respect and a positive attitude.
I wish to gain back quality time with my family and friends I wish to gain back my self-esteem I wish to gain a new perspective on life, all aspects of life. I wish to gain self-acceptance. I wish to gain back all the time I've wasted. I wish to gain strength to keep moving forward. I wish to gain happiness. Ridiculous, carefree, unconditional, out-of-this-world happiness. |
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| Foods | Foods that take a long time to eat? | Mar 10 2008 23:40 (UTC) |
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| oatmeal, it takes me forever to eat a bowl | |||
| Foods | What foods have you lost or gained the taste for since making changes to your diet? | Mar 10 2008 23:38 (UTC) |
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| I gained a taste for all types of vegetables, they are just delicious! And fish. I always liked fish but now I love it. Especially salmon. Also, I am obsessed with cinnamon on, well, everything.
I lost taste for fried food. Especially KFC and pizza (still love woodfire authentic italian pizza, high maintanance anyone?) - also can't stand the taste of full cream milk. And suagry cereals, ew. |
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| The Lounge | What's your thing? | Mar 10 2008 23:34 (UTC) |
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| Cooking ... and math
I can throw any ingredients from the pantry together and end up making something fit for a king. I have a good "eye" for taste (as in, I instinctively know what would go good with what) I hate math, I never study but I always get a pass without trying- and if I try to i tend to get 80%+ ... weird huh... |
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| Weight Loss | Went off the deep end!!!! | Mar 10 2008 23:29 (UTC) |
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| Just go back to what you were doing before, don't weigh in for a week or two... eventually you will work off the exess and re-gain your normal deficit.
Don't fret, just be aware that you won't lose weight this week and possibly not next - but if you stick to your lifestyle you will cut yourself some slack and enjoy your weight loss journey (you can't give yourself no flexibility, stick to your "diet" 70-90% that should be enough to create a deficit within the next 2 weeks) Don't beat yourself up. Just keep living. xox |
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| Health & Support | Recovering metabolism? | Mar 10 2008 23:19 (UTC) |
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| "Now, your body is trusting you to continue fueling it, so it actually puts forth the effort into secreting leptin so you can know when you're hungry. So listen to what your body is telling you; if you are hungry, eat, because that's what it is saying!"
taywies, your post has reassured me so much. I'm not a pig for being hungry, I'm simply healing - recovering. Thank you :) |
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| Health & Support | ED Recovery Club II (the REAL one) | Mar 10 2008 23:18 (UTC) |
1,225 |
| I just wanted to add my 2cents worth about this "how many cals do i need to recover?" discussion that had been going on previously.
I found that the less I ate, the less I needed to eat to gain. I started out on a 1300cal diet (after having starved my body with <800cal for months on end) and gained 5-6lbs almost instantly ... this was about 10 months ago. I had a little relapse but decided to bump the cals to 1500cal - I lost weight. Encouraged by this, I bumped to 1800cal. Gained back the weight. Worked up the courage to eat 2000+cals for a week or so. LOST WEIGHT. 2500cal was my highest attempt. I only gained like 3lbs while I did this, and all of it was gone as soon as I dropped back to 1800cal - my body has lost its ability to hold onto weight. Any small relapse sends my weight plummeting down. Anything under 1800cal makes me lose weight, fast. 1800-2000+cal is what I usually maintain on (sometimes I'll "gain" according to the scale but its water, I lose it without having to change anything) Therefore I've worked out that to actually gain and keep REAL weight I have to steadily consume around 2500cal - the fight is trying to convince my mind of this. Anorexia will fight this logic any way it can because according to it I don't "deserve" that much food. Challenge those thoughts girls. Don't let anorexia make your decision. Anyway, that's my story. Your body will try to recover on whichever inatke you give, whether it be 1300 or 2300cal. So feed it more, and watch yourself blossom, inside and out. (I am a firm believer that because our bodies are bruised and battered, it is not enough to eat the minimum to gain, we have to allow extra cals/protein for it to heal itself) Love and support, stephanie |
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| Health & Support | Recovering metabolism? | Mar 10 2008 12:12 (UTC) |
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Omg, same thing is happening to me... anything less than 1700cal will send me on a wave of hunger pains and lack of energy... I thought it was weird, but apparently, when I was eating <800cal my body just got "used" to it and learnt to deal with it: Taking, instead, from my organs/muscles etc. Now I'm so severely malnourished that there's no replacement for what I don't consume. Hence, if I don't consume it, my body panics. I don't know if my metabolism has recovered (I doubt it) but I do know that I feel better when I eat. That should be enough to keep eating, right? So do you feel better? Ask yourself that question.
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| Weight Loss | Just a question..that I'm sure will spark a debate.. | Mar 10 2008 11:38 (UTC) |
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Original Post by twinmommy928: What are you trying to prove? Lets say you don't gain it back Lets say you keep going and losing more and more and then you become so obsessed with every crumb of food that goes in your mouth that you start to isolate yourself and nothing matters except staying thin, and eating less. And less. And less. Why? because eating x amount of calories isn't enough to make you lose anymore, so you have to bring the number lower. And lower. And lower. Soon your gogeous muscle definition gets eaten away because your body has no choice, there's no fat left. Then your bones. Think you can stop before it gets that bad? Think again. I thought I could too. Now my liver is failing, My bones are brittle, my hair is like straw, my whole body is bruised from bumping my bones, I can't concentrate, Acid has eaten away at my stomach lining and it's developing ulcers, My nail break before they get a chance to grow, My eyes look dead, I may never be able to have children and my mental health is in jeopardy. Appealing isn't it? Wake up to yourself. |
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| Weight Loss | How do you get used to less food? | Mar 10 2008 11:18 (UTC) |
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Original Post by gadzooks: Ditto. Factor in light activity and TA DA! You got yourself 1500-1800cal to work with, depending on the rate you wish to lose. Don't starve yourself, whatever you do |
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| Weight Loss | How will not eating for one day, and one day only, hurt me? | Mar 09 2008 23:50 (UTC) |
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| swimchick,
You have my support in overcoming your eating disorder, but you have to understand that you cannot let it get to you so much. Yes, I understand how an extra 3 lbs can make you feel like absolute **** but do not ask us to justify you doing more harm to your body. Please try to change your attitude before this drags you even further down into the darkness that is an eating disorder and what it does to you. It's only fear. It's not real, it can't hurt you, it's only fear. Let go. Let go, and start living xx |
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... addictive...
Will I lose weight if I eat the same food over and over?
You can lose weight despite eating the same food day-after-day as long as you eat fewer calories than you burn. In fact, eating the... Read more