Anna Stay at home mom to Eli and Gabby

Posts by mom2eli_gabby

Forum	Topic	Date	Replies

Health & Support	Do you have a word for me?	Apr 29 2007 15:03 (UTC)
You didn't sound conceited. :) For having low self-esteem, anxiety and depression I often find I run out of things to say if I am not talking about myself. Ha! My girl slept better last night than the previous few but she still thought it would be good to get up at 5am. I didn't really agree and she didn't put up too much of a fuss, but still.. it will be nice when she goes back to sleeping through the entire night. Even being distributed throughout 15 years that is still pretty awful. Kids can be so cruel and to go through that when you are so young.. it breaks my heart. Since having kids of my own I seem to have become much more empathetic to the struggles of children. It just makes you wonder about the world in general. Other than trips to lower Canada I have never been out of the US. In fact, I haven't even been to much of the US. :) I hope to travel someday, but who knows? Hungary.. from what I have seen it looks like beautiful country. When was the last time you were home?
Health & Support	Do you have a word for me?	Apr 29 2007 03:45 (UTC)	2
Gosh, lamb.. that sounds awful! :( Most of my abuse was in my own head.. I can't imagine what it must have been like at that age to be so ostracized! My parents, my dad especially, are very anti-social and have both struggled with depression and anxiety. I think my problems came from a combination of learning by example and poor self-esteem from verbal abuse from them. Even after all these years and knowing that it is an impossible goal, I still struggle to make them like me. I am sure they love me, but I don't think they like me or my life choices. I think I am a major disappointment to them... oh well, feeling is mutual. Good for you that you get to go home! Where are you from? I am sure I should know but I must have missed it. And you live in Canada now? I wish I could move there.. often. :) You must be thrilled for that trip! Alright.. I need some sleep. My 9 month old has been sick or something and has been sleeping horribly the last week. I am exhausted! Hope my Gabby sleeps tonight!
Motivation	Over 200 club!	Apr 28 2007 18:34 (UTC)	3,060
Thank you all for the warm welcome. I have been battling with weight for years and am hoping being in a community and finding support from people in similar situations will help me get it under control for once. :) Yes, the babies keep me quite busy. You would think that would help me lose weight, but I am a stress eater and nothing will stress you out like having 2 babies less than 2 years apart. :) My 2 year old is a little hellion on wheels and my 9 month old is crazy. Look forward to getting to know everyone! Anna
Motivation	Over 200 club!	Apr 28 2007 03:31 (UTC)	3,073
Hello! Can I join? I am 29 and currently 240. I am just getting serious about losing weight and I just joined CC on Wednesday. My goal is to be 165 by my 31st birthday (May 7th, 08!). Here goes! :) Anna mom to Eli, 2.5 years, and Gabby, 9 months :)
Health & Support	Do you have a word for me?	Apr 28 2007 03:20 (UTC)	6
I think I am over the worst.. I certainly hope so. It has been a long hellish road, to that I can attest. Highschool was bad but I think once I went to college, I pretty much fell apart. My initial failure in college came not so much from the social anxiety as from the depression. I couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to go to class. For a great period of time my life was bed, lunch hall, bed. It was the attempts to return to classes that failed due to the social anxiety. There were days I was so sick to my stomach at the thought of going to class, I just couldn't. It was the dialogue in my own head that did most of the damage. I thought people were looking at me because I was older, I thought everything out of my mouth was stupid.. it was just a lot of self-deprication run wild. I even tried online school to no avail - same dialogues minus the looking at me part. Just too much time spent thinking everyone was judging me. Someone once said something that has stuck with me ever since - how egotistical it is to think that everyone is looking at/talking about you. :) I still do it, but I have a little better control over it and a lot less interest. Deciding to be a stay at home mom was quite possibly the worst thing I could have done to myself. It was like enabling myself to withdraw from society. Only, as your kids get older it becomes a question of "do I want to do this to my kids too". It's like battling with weight. It is something that never really goes away and you have to be always thinking about it. It becomes less all-consuming as time passes, but it will always be there. I still don't know if I will ever be able to return to school, though I really want to. I also don't know if there will ever be a day when I am really over it all.. I doubt it. Anyway, blabbity blabbity blabbity. :) On this subject I could talk for days, though not always coherently. :) Do you have any theories on where yours comes from?
Health & Support	Do you have a word for me?	Apr 26 2007 20:49 (UTC)	10
lambea - Belated entrance to this thread, my apologies. I just joined the group yesterday. I just wanted to say that I have suffered from depression and GAD for years.. over a decade at least. It went undiagnosed until after I gave birth to my daughter last July when it manifested more severely as post-partum depression. The social anxiety was the worse. It ranged from just not wanting to leave the house to being terrified to meet people. I had to drop out of college because I just couldn't do it anymore and have failed at multiple attempts to finish school. I tried joining mommies groups with my son before and could never get myself to actually go to one, etc. etc. I am sure you know the drill. It can be really crippling. Anyway.. to make a long story short, it can get better. I started seeing a therapist for my ppd and took 25mg of Zoloft for 6 months. The Zoloft took off enough of the edge to be able to get out and meet a couple of people. Once I got my foot in the door, so to speak, it got a lot easier. I still don't have any really close friends.. I don't think I have the patience for that anymore (it is so like dating) but I do get out and have adult interaction. I still have nearly as many bad days as good days (influenced a lot by the weather) but the good days are getting better and more frequent. Oh, and telling people helps me in this way: it makes me feel a little more confident that I am not alienating people because of my social akwardness (10 years with little adult interaction = social akwardness... go figure) . I now announce my problems to just about anyone I meet because I am shy and weird around people and I don't want them to think I am some sort of a freak. :) Or at least I want them to know exactly what kind of freak I am, ha ha. Anna
Weight Loss	Find your twin on CC!	Apr 26 2007 19:21 (UTC)	2,115
Ok, I could only tolerate so many pages of browsing. :) I saw some close ones, but no exact twins sooo.... female 29 (30 in 2 weeks!) 240 goal - 165-175lbs medium-large frame, though the wrist test tells me small Anna
Motivation	You Can't Always Get What You Want	Apr 26 2007 13:42 (UTC)	57
Wow. Ok, back into the fray after only 2 pages... I pretty much agree with lambea. You seem pretty set in your refusal to listen to anyone who does not encourage your self-loathing, which I guess was the point of the post. If you can find others who hate things about themselves then they would understand and support your self-hatred... however, that is probably not the case. Those who do hate things about themselves are often the ones to find the most to like in others, not wanting to doom someone else to the same misery they have dwelt in. If you want to be female, then change it. You say that you wouldn't make a credible woman.. why does that matter? Isn't the point to make yourself happy and be comfortable in your own skin? You're certainly not happy now. If you don't want to be female, then don't dwell on the idea... it is wasted effort. Put your effort towards finding something you do want to do. You cannot convince me that I should hate you as much as you do. I still think you are creating your own reality and that people make such a big deal of your height/baldness/broadness because it is such a big deal to you. The loudest voice is the one in your own head. No one can force you to like the things that disgust you, you certainly cannot manufacture pride in what you don't like, but neither do you need to eat, sleep and breathe it. To what others have said - you can either change it or let it go.
Motivation	Pizza, the Silent Killer	Apr 25 2007 22:56 (UTC)	34
weakness = chipotle
Motivation	You Can't Always Get What You Want	Apr 25 2007 22:35 (UTC)	104
If you want to part with personal information, that has to be your choice. I don't think any of us can ask for it when we don't know what we're asking for. I don't see my husband as my protector. Our relationship is very equal, I am quite capable of handling myself and I do not need a guy to keep me "safe" or whatever. It is more of a feeling of safety, but not in the conventional sense that you keep using it. I am not afraid to walk down the street in the dark by myself and being with my husband doesn't make me feel safer that way either. The feeling of safety and/or pretection comes from knowing he won't hurt me, that he is here, that he is there for me when I need support. That is often associated with size, but that has more to do with personal feelings than reality. For example, no matter how hot he is I automatically find any guy who is shorter than me unattractive. Even if he is my height. And at 5'10" that shuts out a lot of guys. Frankly, I don't get why people would make such a big deal out of your height anyway but maybe that is because I have spent a life being tall. My husband is 6'0", my dad 6'1".. 6'3" just doesn't seem all that big to me. It's slightly ironic that you resent being liked for your body type when you prefer a certain body type too, especially a body type that most girls would not strive to be, as you point out. :P
Motivation	You Can't Always Get What You Want	Apr 25 2007 21:46 (UTC)	110
I am starting to get the feeling that one could talk circles around you all day and still not make a connection. :) I didn't mean to imply that I think you talk about your size to girls you date or don't try to change the subject. I am sure it is just the opposite. However, it is all you seem to focus on. Whether you know it or not, you are giving off some serious vibes. Girls may feel it necessary to talk about your size because they are trying to compensate for how self concious it makes you - that is palpable whether you say anything about it or not. You do not have to be verbal to ensure that something becomes the focus of a conversation. Maybe, just maybe, if your height wasn't your main focus, comments about it would pass unnoticed and not make or break your day/date/conversation/etc. Same thing with the slouching to hide your size.. that may be why people are noticing. I still don't get the protector thing.. that definitely is something where either your explanation is not coming across right or I just don't/can't get it. I would guess the latter.. sometimes you just have to spell it out for old mom. :D Hi.. my name is Anna and I still refuse to love myself. :)
Games & Challenges	Exercise Challenge May 2007 Sign up	Apr 25 2007 21:34 (UTC)	68
hello, everyone. First time here. I will try for 3000. Thanks!
Motivation	You Can't Always Get What You Want	Apr 25 2007 21:12 (UTC)	116
ignorance - I guess I have decided to deal with it by not dealing with it. I think I stopped obsessing over my appearance once I hit the 200lb mark. I will eat right, exercise and try to get to a healthier weight for my body and just go with it. I think I might be in an easier spot than you, though, because I am married and have kids now... it takes a lot of the emphasis off appearance.. for me anyway. My main goal is to live long for my kids and be at a weight/health level that I can play with them and be active without running out of breath or needing to take a break. I do not love myself and I will never be happy with the way I look but I guess I have given up or at least settled. It is not that I don't care, I just don't have the time or energy to care as much as I used to. As for how my husband feels.. well, he seems no less attracted to me now than when we started dating almost 11 years ago. My body type hasn't changed, just my weight. I have always been tall, broad, big, fluffy.. whatever you want to call it. :) And I was never fit or athletic. Exercise is a chore for me, no doubt about it. I am not one of those people who gets a high from exercise. :) I don't think this really addresses your particular issue, but I like to feel like I am protected by my husband and it has nothing to do with his size. He is a whole inch taller than me and outweighs me by a grand 10lbs... and when it comes to who could kick butt in a fight, I might take that trophy. In fact, I don't think it is even about protection, but that is an easy way to say it. I get that the girls you date make a big deal out of your size, but the protection thing may not necessarily be negative and does not HAVE to be associated with your size, though it seems is has been for you so far. Ok, one last thing.. maybe the girls you date make such a big deal of your size because YOU make such a big deal of your size. You are creating your own reality.
Motivation	You Can't Always Get What You Want	Apr 25 2007 20:42 (UTC)	122
Ok, I am new here and just getting into researching this particular method of body maintenance. However, I was reading the post on "Extreme dieting and why it doesn't work" which led me to this one and I just want to say I know where you're coming from. I am female but built large, I guess. I have no hope of ever attaining what is supposedly the "preferred female figure". I am tall for a girl, 5'11", and have a large bone structure (bigger feet then my dad, etc. etc.). No matter how much weight I lose, I will never be the tall willowy blonde or the little petite perky girl.. even anorexia wouldn't get me into a size 0. Frankly, I don't think size 0 will even fit my skeleton long after I am dead and gone. So, yeah... I think I can empathize a bit here. Hi.. my name is Anna and I refuse to love myself. :)

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