Posts by udokier

Original Post by octo-luv:

yes i find that some people just have a hard time understanding bisexuality as im sure you know. your wife is probably one of them. it takes time and patience with lots of communicating and dispelling of certian personal myths that person may have. i dont really discuss my sexuality as openly with anyone else anymore but my husband (well some of that is due to my husband liking his and our privacy). you just have to reassure her that you love her for 'her'. and that your sexuality does not question that.

for some people they do seem to need (or want bad enough no matter what) both. to me being bi means the parts (as long as they are nice ) do not matter, its the person. so i would no more cheat on my husband with a male than i would with a female.

We've been together for 15 years, and for most of that time, I never thought of cheating, even though I was never in denial about my sexuality.  But we had reached a sort of "straw broke the camel's back" point last year and for a while I seriously wanted to, and was very tempted, but for better or worse, the object of my desire was not interested.  But the whole thing just kind of made me a little mental for a while and being unable to talk to anyone about it made it that much worse.  Being able to be frank and open with her about it has helped immensely and I don't think I'll stray now.  I'm much less of a believer in marriage as an institution than I was before though.  I think that if either of us felt unhappy in the marriage, it would not be a failure or a tragedy to move on.  Just another milestone in life.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

Original Post by udokier:

As for accepting it, I think it depends on her mood. There are times when she is accepting and has a good sense of humor about it, and other times when she's bothered by it.

sounds to me like she's bothered by it, but when she's in a good mood, she's better able to hide it.

That may well be.  I don't read minds.  She chose to marry me knowing my history, and we've both agreed to stay together knowing I'll never be "straight". Unlike most of the world, I don't consider being bisexual a bad thing, nor do I think it should equal exile to the "gay ghetto" just because it makes some people uncomfortable.

Original Post by glamgram:

Original Post by udokier:

Of course it does. You're talking to one now. I've been married for 13 years to a lovely woman. That being said, it doesn't go away just because a man is married to a woman. I bisexual man will entertain thoughts of other men, and has twice as many people he could possibly cheat with, but that doesn't mean he will.

Some bisexuals lean more "straight" (these are much less likely to ever admit it) and others lean more "gay", but of course bisexuality is real.

does your wife know/accept? do you see other men?

Yes, she knows, we talked about it before we were married, and after a bad few years I felt very tempted but we have since reconcile and I have never strayed at this point.  As for accepting it, I think it depends on her mood.  There are times when she is accepting and has a good sense of humor about it, and other times when she's bothered by it.  Marriage is a long hard slog for any couple, and we've managed to stay together for 15 years, and I'm content to stay as long as she'll have me.

Thanks, thanks and thanks, coffincritter, nasuoni and kae03!

Original Post by hayleabrianne:

to the OP:

i think he finally figured it out once he was intimate with another man. that was the only way he felt he could know for sure. when that happened, he discovered, like you, that he felt different types of attraction towards men than with women. he pretty much decided that he is ONLY sexually attracted to men and could never have a relationship with them.

the same goes for me. once i was intimate with another woman, i knew i was bisexual. it's just that i feel like i also could not have a relationship with another woman. there is just something the opposite sex offers to us that we cannot necessarily get from the same sex... at least for some people.

Hi again haylea,

Thanks for your comment.  I find it pretty interesting.  I'm sexually attracted to men to a degree, but a lot of what I feel is a romantic interest.  That being said, I do have doubts about whether I could ever keep a long-term relationship going with a guy.  But I think that mentioning this might go a long way to maybe helping her understand and accept my desires on this, because I genuinely have no plans to leave her for a man, but don't feel I can be completely satisfied with one person until death.

Original Post by ching12:

it kind of bothers me that if he were into other women, everyone would probably say everything opposite. I tend to agree with kayola. I don't know what you should do in this situation, and im glad that you were finally able to realize what you want in life and are honest with your wife, however i just dont see how you liking a guy is any different than any husband who wants to be with other women.

I think you're right that the gender issue is not all that important, although somehow it did make it a bit harder for my wife to digest.

But yes, America is a very puritanical country and open marriages are frowned on, whether straight, bisexual or gay.  I personally think that couples like Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee or Will Smith and Jada Pinkett who have had successful open marriages are great examples that it can work.  God knows there are an awful lot of traditional, totally monogamous marriages that fall apart - it's not as though they have some great track record...

Original Post by kayola:

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.  I am happy for you that you were able to put your feelings out in the open and can begin feeling accepted as a whole person, I just think you need to remain conscious of the fact that even if your wife loves you for your new self, it can be extremely hurtful to hear that the person you have dedicated yourself to wants to be intimate with someone else.  She should in no way be faulted for her feelings on that.

I don't fault her in the least for feeling the way she does.  Perhaps I'm a villain for wanting something different than I signed up for.  If so, so be it.  Life is short and I want to experience it.  That's not to say that I plan to go out looking for pickups, but if the opportunity to be with someone I really liked happened to present it, I don't want to say no.  There's a good chance that it won't.

I do understand how she feels about it and it's not something I would flaunt in front of her, but To continue letting her think I was going to be completely 100% monogamous would be dishonest.  That doesn't mean I'm any less committed to her.  I fully intend to be there to change her diapers when she's old if need be. 

There are a number of ways we are still incompatible - religion being a major one.  This time of discussion and thinking is also a chance for her to think about whether she would rather stay with me, or find someone in her religion.

We have a good solid foundation of mutual affection and attraction, but not sure if we can overcome the differences on sexuality and religion.  We'll see...

Interestingly enough, on Sunday night, we had some drinks and ended up crying in each other's arms for a long time and really bonded over this.  In fact I think we both felt closer than we have in years.  We do still have a much deeper connection than I realized.  This is going to be a lot harder than I thought, but I'm pretty sure we can't work as a traditional marriage anymore.

I guess it'll take quite a while to get things hashed out.

Original Post by cellulitedelight:

I'm glad to see an update from you. I was starting to worry a bit about you, but it sounds like you're doing just fine.

Thanks CD (and everyone else), last night was the hardest I ever remember crying, but yeah, I'm basically okay. I'm more worried about her.  We both drank last night,  she had too much and threw up, and has been throwing up all day.  She blames herself for being so distant, sexually and otherwise.  I have kept telling her it's not her fault, but she's not hearing me.

She has a lot of sexual hangups, she told me today that it might be because when she was about 11 years old, some weird man in the park made her touch him.  People in Japan simply don't talk about these things much less seek therapy.  I guess all I can do is love her the best I can until she hopefully recovers.  I know this is horrible to say, but this has been the pattern of the whole marriage - drama followed by excessive sickness.  I'm so tired of it.  I know I've put her through a very big shock and need to be supportive, but even part of my crying last night was exasperation with her endless drama (yesterday I found her on the kitchen floor staring at a kitchen knife).  (sigh) Maybe that's why I was so attracted to my co-worker - the idea of being with someone that I didn't need to always put back together again and could just be happy with seemed so wonderful...

Thanks so much.  tonight after the kids went to bed, we had a few drinks and basically cried our eyes out together.  She kept apologizing that she had been too distant, and I tried to tell her that it wasn't her fault. She had too much and threw up several times.

This is day 3 - I wonder how long it's going to take to get past all this...

Original Post by monarch777:

He shares his life with Ceri, a very beautiful, tolerant and understanding partner, and his little daughter, Elvie. Their home includes a psychotic parrot called Thomas and an ever-expanding menagerie of weird and wonderful exotic creatures.

 (Sorry Ud...he is straight..bummer dude.)

Yes, I know, and I'm glad he seems so happy.

Doesn't mean I can't enjoy the televised eye and ear candy (his voice is almost as good as his face).

Original Post by keo187:

prop 8 is totally unconstitutional! I hope that gets realized...prolly wont

It is unconstitutional, but getting the case heard by SCOTUS is not going to be easy.

In the case of CA it would probably be easier to overturn at the ballot box.

How ridiculous that people's civil rights are put up for a vote in the first place.

Original Post by jdroller:

Man, the visa issue really complicates this problem. I admire your cool-headed demeanor through all this. I know if it were me in your shoes, I'd probably be in cardiac arrest or downing pots of coffee and packs of cigarettes.

Good luck with everything.

Thank you, but I'm not cool-headed. I keep breaking down crying at inopportune times, especially at work. Luckily nobody seems to notice because I'm in a cubicle thing.

Original Post by coffincritter:

Wait--last I checked in on this story, you were gonna have the heart-to-heart talk with her after the holidays? What happened with that? 

Ended up putting it off until the visa issues are settled.  Should be between 3 and 6 months tops.  In the meantime, I need to set aside money for the move anyway.

At the time I was still considering asking for an open marriage - something I no longer want.  The logistics of a separation are a bit different.

Thanks for the kind wishes.

Original Post by kathygator:

Good luck with all this Udo. There is no easy way to correct a mistake like this, and it sounds like you are trying to do the very best thing for all concerned.

Sending hope that you can salvage a relationship with your children, who are, of course, the most important humans in this equation.

Thanks Kathy.  Yeah, they're the hardest part of all this.  But their getting older is one of the things making me want to do this.  They're already old enough to ask what this "gay" thing is, and I've tried to tell them in a way they would understand, but it was hard to tell them without mentioning that it directly concerned me.   I want to be for real with them always.  But even if I live around the block, it will be so hard to leave the house and say goodbye to them the first time. And although I can afford to support another apartment, I'm not rich and I know the wife will make a big deal about the fact that this will be costing money that could be used for their education - which is of course true. So again, yeah, it's selfish, but it seems like it would be so wrong to stay. After what I felt with the co-worker, I want more of that. I want to come home to someone I'm happy to see and who's happy to see me. I love my kids, but I feel like I've been half a person, or maybe the Walking Dead - for so long.  I've cried more in the last few weeks than the rest of my whole life combined, but I wouldn't want to go back the the numb, dead, sleepwalking zombie I was before all this.