Posts by little_butterfly

Thank you mars. I know myself that I am by no means healthy but when you are attempting to make recovery work it makes that hill harder to climb. It doesn't help I am a v. sensitive person in general.

Thanks again lala. However funding is not available! I've spoken to my GP many times before, also discussed with my psychologist, ed team, psychiatrist and cpn. In fact its something talked about on a weekly basis. Apparently it is not an option unless you are basically no longer physically functioning at all. If you know about special funding that my doctors don't then please help track it down. Otherwise linking me to links to options that I've been told are not available to me are not helpful. Eating disorders make you feel like you aren't 'bad enough' and having the constant reminder about a private hospital that costs thousands and is not able to take me on is quite hard to take.

You are probably right la la but there is nothing available believe me I've been trying hard to find help. I'm really struggling on my own and yes, part of me is having trouble letting go but I don't know what to do. I am not of a healthy weight and I am frightened about gaining weight. When I do gain weight I wind up losing it again and I'm running round in circles because any little thing is triggering. I know I can't live in a bubble so how do I get over finding the smallest things upsetting and keep on the right road? 

People are just downright rude! Honestly there is no need for that at all! I hope you're okay & don't change a thing about yourself as you are so so pretty!

Also you can never make anyone happy... mean people always find something to pick at. Just so longs you are happy and healthy then thats all that matters :)

Thats wonderful Amanda! I am so proud of you and you have come so far.

I know you will keep on trying so I won't need to wish you luck.

Take care of yourself angel!

I have seen you post a few times about this as it seems like you are in a bit of a turmoil :(

I hate to say this but it is a matter of trial & error m'dear. You need to listen to your body and my advice would be try your best to avoid the scale just for a little while. The scale fluctuates so much and just isn't the most helpful way to overcome an eating disorder. I wish I could offer some decent advice but just know if you need to chat we are here for you.

I made it to 2000 calories today! I will NOT weigh myself till the end of the week & will try to get to 2000 again tomorrow.

Eaak I'm rather scared!

I haven't posted on here in a very long time! I did slip back a little and was back to eating 1500 calories per day and I was maintaining/gaining. I have decided this week to up my calories as I don't want my body relying on so little calories but I am a little apprehensive. I guess I am just going to bite the bullet and give it a try! I reached 1600 yesterday and 1800 today. I may try 2000 tomorrow but I'm scared the weight will creep up a little too fast for my liking and I am worried about relapsing because I have relapsed in the past. Either way worry worry! I just need to try my best to block out unhelpful thoughts.

gibbit : You are doing so incredibly well and I am really pleased to hear that it sounds like you are able to enjoy food again! I find that being around people helps me a lot and is very encouraging for healthy thoughts rather than ED ones. I guess just shifting the focus can help a lot! Looking beyond food/ calories is a very positive move and I know you will do well the rest of the week so I don't think you need my luck m'dear as I believe in you :) Enjoy yourself and take care. 

yyonah : There is a possibility it could be water retention... whereas before it was somewhere else but this particular time it could be on your arms. The body can do strange things during recovery! This may sound rude but its not meant that way at all... could you have a distorted view of your body? I was convinced I had got bigger and could definitely feel there was some weight gain. However I weighed myself and was down a pound. It shocked me but it just made me question how I viewed my body I suppose. I'm sorry if this isn't much help! 

perfectpanda : You are not giving yourself enough credit! You have thought about purging but look at the bigger picture! You fought back and didn't do it. Thats a great achievement! You stopped purging for a good reason remember! You know it just not worth it! You have acknowledged the fact you have considered purging and are sharing your concerns. You have come this far and recognizing the problem although it may not feel like it.. but it is a step in the right direction. Try to take things a day at a time and know that we are all here for you.

ilovechai : You are most certainly not pitiful! You are entitiled to have a cry and I doubt it was the weather upsetting you. It sounds like you have been bottling things up and you just needed to let it out. Plus not taking your medication maybe didn't help things either! You have realised you need over 1000 calories and you are letting the irrational side of your eating disorder take hold of you. You are stronger than that and can beat this! As you know you need to have a lot of patience and self belief to get through things and you can't do this all on your own. Do you have anyone you can talk to about your recovery? I completely understand your feelings about disrupting your plan and how it can make you feel utterly dreadful. I myself had a melt down this week because things didn't go according to 'my plan' so you are not alone in getting upset over it. To some people its no big deal but to us it is very important and I guess it gives us a sense of control which is not particularly healthy. However small steps and you will get there! Sometimes its so difficult to block out that guilty feeling but it does go away. Maybe not right away but eventually it will subside. I have found the best way through recovery is make sure I eat things that I really enjoy. You need to try and establish a healthy relationship with food again and not to see it as the enemy. I hope you are okay sweetie!

Keep up the excellent work everyone :)

I just want to say well done chick.

Your day looks good and you are taking very positive steps! My only advice is make sure that the food you are eating... you are enjoying! Its very important to build up a healthy relationship with food and discovering food that you love is actually really fun! 

Recovery is not easy and small steps is the best way forward. The fact you are eating and attending therapy is a great achievement. Keep trying as I know you can get through this :)

bump

I recommend staying away from the scales for a little while. I smashed mine & it felt really good!

Please try not to beat yourself up as you deserve to eat and its no surprise you have binged because your body has been deprived.  

I highly doubt you have gained any weight from your binges. Remember it takes 3500 calories over your maintenance to gain 1 pound! So you would have to be consuming at the very least.. 5000 calories each day to gain a single pound.

 I have encountered many binges since I started recovery. They were not nice & I did feel utterly dreadful. I was frightened I would become bulimic or compulsive over eater. So far I haven't and I am trying to build a healthy relationship with food. Eating little and often.. enjoying each bite and making sure whatever I eat.. I absolutely love! Bingeing&nb sp;is your bodies way of crying out for food and they can be expected during the early stages of recovery.  

You may feel it but you are NOT fat.. it is just a feeling. I try to remind myself of this and what my mind is telling me.. reality is a completely different thing (as mad as that sounds). Honestly your family will not think you are fat. I often worry about what people will say/think and since I started eating more people have said 'you are looking really well' 'you look a lot healthier' people have even said I have gained weight! This has made me completely panic as I still do hold on to my irrational fear of weight gain which as time goes on is easing up a little!! I realised why people have said this though.. its because they have no idea what else to say & think they are helping I guess.

I have no idea where I am going with this.. I guess I am just trying to reassure you and you will come out of this a stronger happier person. 

The feelings you are going through are extremely hard to deal with and it helps to talk about things. Feel free to get in touch if you need to chat :) 

Please don't let others stop you from eating something you love. The fact you are enjoying your breakfast is fantastic! It is the most important meal of the day and boosts your metabolism. You will be stronger and more energetic and less likely to binge later on. 

I am also recovering & I love breakfast! Like you.. nobody I know really eats breakfast. However if it keeps us happy then there is NO reason why we should change for others.

Please try not to regret breakfast as other people do eat it and your body needs the food!! :)

Its so wonderful to see how far some of you are coming along :) I just hope you all give yourself the credit you deserve!

I second knitting btw. It is my new favourite hobby!! As sad as that sounds but hopefully I can make myself a pretty scarf.

My recovery has improved I think!..This week I have really turned a corner or I am trying to!! I am a bit more willing to loosen up on my control which before was a big NO NO. I have started seeing a new therapist & he is helping a lot. I feel bad because I'm sure I talk way too much but apparently thats what they are there for.  I have upped my intake again and I'm setting myself little goals each day. I went food shopping and for the first time in well over a year I picked up some food without checking the content. I am not sure if I did this because I sub consciously knew the amount or what but I decided to not look until I got home. It turned out it had slightly more calories than I expected but I just thought 'oh well' and put it in my freezer instead of promptly throwing it in the bin.

 However I often wish I could just stop calorie counting all together. Has anyone been successful in doing this? I am trying little steps & I am maybe expecting too much too soon but does the calorie obsessing ever stop?! 

 Sorry for going on a little.

I hope you're all taking good care of yourself and have a lovely weekend. 

Original Post by karen20061979:

Original Post by mesmilin4u:

It's a mental disease karen.

 

I am aware of that.  So is the manic depression I once suffered from.  Did I go spill my guts on nat'l tv to Dr. Phil?  No I saw a legitmate doctor because I needed help before I killed myself. (Dr. Phill is not licensed to practice anymore so he can't continue treating her).

She is a drama queen starving for attention (no pun intended) and I think she is full of &#!*.  She has to be because she isn't full of FOOD!  Pun intended.

She knows she needs help hence why she is reaching out for support. Its not like she intentionally starved herself to get on Dr Phil!! She is a very unwell person and its people like you that need to open your eyes a little and stop being so insensitive & ignorant.  

I watched the show on you tube. I am in recovery from anorexia and I found it extremely sad but also made me think how glad I am to be in recovery and not putting my body through complete hell. I just hope they can help her before its too late :/

Thank you for your advice!

I am going for my first nutritionist appointment this week so that should help get me on track. I have found myself holding back during the day so I can eat as much as I want in the evening which I know is not healthy. I just need some sort of routine but all this guilt is really running me down. I just feel really bad and I am starting to feel lost all over again.

On a better note I had I look at your recent photographs and you look amazing!! How is your recovery going? Thanks again