Posts by aquaev

I also see both points of this argument. If it wasn't for this thread, I think I would be deeper in this ED prison than I am now. I would have just convinced myself that I was "okay" because I was eating a normal amount of food, but I don't think I would've let myself gain any weight. It wasn't until I started seeing all the people on here who are really motivated to gain and be healthy that I started to realize that I was destroying my body by staying underweight.

But, I do this this site makes me too obsessed with food and weight. Just looking through the YCC forums, and even some of the posts on the WG forum, is very triggering. I get jealous of all the people who are dieting (or not eating enough to gain) and start to think that I'm greedy and fat for eating more than they do. That I can out-do them by eating less.

I'm going to be taking a step back from this forum now, I think. I've been dependent on it for six months. It's time I let go, not much on here is helping me anymore. Except all you lovely girls (and clay) on here always always do help me when I need it. I don't want to stop posting here completely, but I really need a break. Maybe every other day, or once a day, tops. You are all amazing and I'll miss you soooo much! You've all helped me tremendously, and I won't forget what a difference you've made in my recovery. Awww man, I want to cry now!

Hello all! My first group therapy went really well. I have a feeling it'll help me a lot more than indiviudal is right now. I can't say much more because I agreed to a privacy thing, but I think it's really going to make a different in my recovery.

gibbit- Good job with the mojito and different breakfast. I'm glad you'll be getting a therapist soon! Pssh belgian guy, just forget him. There are other fish in the sea that aren't from the other side of the pond! Wow, that was beyond lame.

molls- Welcome! Happy birthday!

dolly- Yay, more blog buddies! I'm glad you've finally seen how much your body really, really needs this food. Hopefully it'll be more motivation to yet to 2500, if you aren't there already.

ngemma- Have you checked out the support recipes forum? If you're getting tired of nuts and dried fruit there are tons of really yummy recipes there.

Foodies-

Breakfast- Whole milk plain yogurt w/ gingerbread granola, oatmeal w/ a banana and pecans, egg, apple

Lunch- Sammich w/ honey almond spread, TLC bar, whole milk yogurt, carrots

Snack- Usual

Dinner- Yummmm. Stir-fry rice scramble. Posted on my blog. Yesss. And toast.

Snack- Pumpkin pudding w/ a whole grain graham cracker, clementine, nuts in the shell, dark chocolate from advent calendar

Hey guys! Sorry I didn't get on earlier, every time I entered my password on here on I got a message that said CC was having problems with logins and to try again later.

lady- Great job with the chocolate! It is lovely, isn't it? The make Boost chocolate bars? Gross. You know what's good? Porridge with dark chocolate, a banana, and macadamia nuts. Mmmmm.

ngemma- Glad you're doing well. Looks like you have a pretty balanced diet, but I hope you manage to find a lot more to eat tonight.

mashed- Ha, I was wondering who that comment was from!! That's really sweet of your mum though. I'm not quite sure how to explain to my parents that I've made a food blog.. they know I'm safe online and all but I don't know whether they'll think it's just an extension of my ED or what. Great job going out to lunch today!

zeb- Congrats on the gain. I think you should brief your mom on the water weight thing though, because she might be rather alarmed if you um, drop two pounds overnight? How are you taking having to eat meat?

Food later.

I've had a really good day. My mom took me out to lunch to a lebanese place after I got my contacts. At first I was a bit worried because I was afraid everything would be fried in oil, but I looked around and saw all the other people eating. Then I thought that if they could eat a little more than usual and live, so could I. So I got a mediterranean platter, and it was so yummy! It had a stuffed grape leave, small spinach pie pocket, Fattoush (pepper and cucumber salad with toasted pita and pom. dressing), and shakshouky (eggplant, tomato, garlic, scalliam and pom. all pureed up- so good!!), and hummus with a homemade, fresh pita dipped in it. I managed to eat almost all of it, minus the fattoush which I didn't like too much. I don't think any of it was cooked in oil, except for maybe the pita. But I don't even care about that, I have no desire to calculate cals either! I highly reccomend lebanese food to all of you, it's veggie friendly and soo healthy. And I've started a blog like mashed, it's kashakiki.blogspot.com. I'll have it finished up in an hour or so.

charlie- Aw, thanks! I'm glad the ED thoughts about fat and cals are almost gone for you.

dolly and lady- The advent calendar thing sounds like a plan to me! We'll report every day. And haha lady, granola is basically oats baked with oil and other sweet flavorings, dried fruit, nuts, etc. so it's all crunchy and yummy.

mashed- Glad the blip is gone, everyone has them and it's okay. Good job telling your mom and staying responsible for eating. You'll have to add me to your blog roll thing because I have no idea how it works!

Breakfast- Whole milk yogurt with a sprinkle of my homemade gingerbread granola hehehehe, oatmeal w/ pumpkin, egg, apple

Lunch- Explained above

My gosh, can you guys believe it's December already?? I sure can't. My mom has put out the advent calendar, as she does every december. Some days it's chocolate in the little drawers, some days it's a note with clues to find a little prize! When I was in the worst of my ED, I was already thinking of ways to avoid eating my chocolate. But now I am going to challenge myself. It's the start of the holiday season, I should be allowed to treat myself. So, until December 24, I will eat every piece of food my mom puts in the advent calendar. Hopefully.

dolly- Ahhh I'm so proud of you! When you joined this thread you weren't even making 2000 cals, now look at you! Nutella and banana sandwiches, yummmm.

mashed- Love your blog. Your portions look pretty good actually. And OH I've thought of what I'm going to call my blog. Kasha Kiki! Kasha means porridge in russian, and Kiki is my name. I'll probably make it tomorrow when I can start posting my foods starting at breakfast.

clay- Oooooh I haven't even thought of graham crackers!! Psh of course they have teddy grahams here, silly goose. Have fun at dinner, I know you won't let ED win. And I love your metaphor, as usual.

gibbit- I'm sorry you lost weight again. I wish that none of us had to think about this all the time. Your mom made you ask who? Doctor? It sucks, but a lot of the time family assumes that it's the disorder preventing us from eating a lot of things. Like "Kiki doesn't want chocolate ice cream because she's afraid of the calories." No. I just don't like chocolate ice cream. This is another good reason to get a therapist, you can figure out how to get your mom to see things the way they really are.

Food later.

Morning. I am super tired, darn insomnia. Today I am going to see a movie with my sister, either Bolt or Twilight. Then I'll go to Whole Foods afterward!

Oh, and to the UK people: Have would I go about making savoury porridge? With an egg? We are seriously out of food today. No bread, no beans, no bagels... I need some starch in my lunch today, so I shall have porridge!

lady- Oooooh okay. I get it. But I am exactly the same! Reeses PB cups are like clay said, little tiaras of love. They are circular, shallow, hollow milk chocolate cups filled with peanut butter. Butterfingers disgust me though. They're crunchy, caramel flavored wafer-ish things covered in chocolate. Oh and I use 1/2 c. dry oats in the morning. Which is 40 g, I think, 150 cals. You know what kind of french toast is good?? Banana stuffed. Check the support recipes thread, it was one of the first recipes I posted.

clay- Yes, I can say antioxidants. Antioxidants. But yay pancakes!!! OH I know the perfect oppurtunity to have them. On wednesday this week my parents won't be home, so I'll have them for dinner then.

dolly- Hm, I was afraid this would happen. This is hypermetabolism for you. If you're not at 2500 yet, get there. Then after that, move up your cals by a couple hundred a week until you're at 3000. I know you can do it! You have a great attitude.

Breakfast- WW carrot spice muffin, oatmeal w/ pumpkin and almonds, egg, apple

Wooooooo! Last night I dinner, I was planning on just eating one small portion of all the leftovers. But there was a lot left, everyone else in my family was eating a lot, and I was hungry (for once!) so I figured that I would just eat as much as I wanted. So I probably had three servings of sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, arabian squash casserole, cranberry sauce, a croissant and pumpkin pie. And do I regret it? Nope. Today I'm going to do some christmas shopping for family/ friends, hopefully I can catch some good sales.

lady- Tofu!! Yes. Make a stir fry! Soba noodles, tofu, snow peas, water chesnuts, mushrooms, carrots, and hot chili sauce. And I did you just dump stuff together for the zucchini loaf? I wish I could do that. But for baked goods, I have to follow the recipe exactly or something goes wrong.

mashed- I'm glad that you had a high-cal dinner even though that you knew the crumble was supposed to be coming later. I have confidence that you will eat the crumble!! But you know what's good? Butter and sugar. Sampled some during Thanksgiving cooking. Hope you aren't getting sick.

gibbit- I'll message you the recipe for the casserole.

panda- I'm sorry your family is so unsupportive. But a lot of people think that as soon as you start gaining weight, your ED is gone, which is so far from the truth. Have you considered going to a therapist? I think it would really help you.

clay- Nooooooooo keep eating your big night time snack. IT has absoulutely no effect on your metabolism to eat more at night than you do during the day.

dolly- Good job with the bagel!! When is the last time you weighed? I think you should get your mom to soon so you can make sure you haven't lost anything, with hypermetabolism now.

Thinking back on my Thanksgiving, it actually went well. I did manage to eat what I wanted, and fought off the urges to exercise. My parents are usually in a ticked off mood from all the cooking and what not, so even before I got my ED, I always felt guilty if I enjoyed the food at dinner because no one else was enjoying themselves. So now that I do have an ED, feeling guilty turns into feeling like I'm a greedy pig. I had enjoyed myself anyway though. I never ever would've challenged myself to eat any of this food on my own, so I'm glad I got the opportunity to. Survey time!

Real name: Caroline, but I prefer Kiki

Age: 14

Location: Maryland

Live with: My mom, my dad, and my 15 year old sister

Length of time struggling with ED/weight gain: ED-ish thoughs since I was ten, binge eater for four months, anorexic for seven months, weight gainer for six months

Goals for the future:  To be able to live a day without worrying about food, to own a cafe with my best friend, and to be able to have children

Education: freshman in highschool..

Fear food you want to conquer next: anything that I didn't make myself, pretty much. And baked goods with white flour

Hair color: In between light and dark brown. Chocolate, shall we say?

Eye color: Chocolate, matches my hair!

What I am thankful for: That I have people who care about me enough to get me help and support in getting over this wicked ED, this thread, and Obama.

lady- I must have this walnut zucchini loaf! Do you eat meat? For lunch I try to get 3 starches, one fat/ protein, one dairy and one vegetable. So that's a sandwich, wrap, bagel, or english muffin with cream cheese, nut butter, cheese, or hummus. Then on the side I have a granola bar, a whole milk yogurt, and carrot sticks.

Baaaaaah why must every holiday in this country revolve around food? Very very nervous. I'm afraid that I'm just going to take little bits of each dish, but since everything is cooked in so much butter, I'm be getting all my cals in one meal. And then after dinner, which is around 5, I'll be too scared of going over my cals to eat anything else, then I'll just starve for the rest of the night. Don't have much time here because I have to start making cinnamon rolls...

lady- Wow, really! Thanks! Good job at Nandos. For portion sizes, I usually just stick to the regular serving size because that's what everyone else in my family gets. I just add more oil/butter/cream sauce to it to make it for caloric. I would explain further but I'm in a rush right now, sorry!

mashed- I'll do the survey later!

Waaa!

Mrrrrrrrr I'm tired. I was sooo hungry that I woke up at like 4:00 this morning. It's weird, because I ate 2800 cals yesterday and usually I'm full from that, but I was really, really starving. I typically don't eat anything outside of what I've planned before hand, but I was to hungry to waste time getting something healthy so I ate a small butterfingers bar left over from Halloween. It wasn't that filling but my hunger went away, so I think my body just needed the sensation of me eating food. I have a thing about needing to enjoy food and needing it to have nutritional value, but a butterfingers bar has neither so wooooo!

mashed- Not much new with me. I don't have time to have a life with all my dance classes and music and grrrr therapy. Maybe you could take a mental health day if you're feeling really run down. It would probably help if you stayed home from school one day and just relaxed!

rebel- Welcome! Lala pretty much said it all! What kind of yogurt do you eat? Whole milk is best, so if you aren't eating that, switch to it.

Gotta go to school now :[ It's just a half day though so that classes are only like 20 mins long!

Hello! In a pretty good mood today, for once. I have ballet soon wooo!

lady- Ha, I had a problem with fruit and veg too! Too carby for my ED-ed self. But no more! Glad you're going to make a list. What is Wombok?? And I think lala's post pretty much covers your worries, even though it isn't aimed at you.

skinny- Yes, keep gaining! I know you've seen the thing about getting to a BMI of 20 or highe. You're doing so fantastically! Hope you find some time to relax soon.

lala- I'll miss you. Thanks for the wake up call though. I need to do this for myself and not depend on everyone here kicking me along.

gibbit- Wow, eggnog oatmeal sounds fantastic! Short and sweet, that play line is! It's really fitting for all of us. Boooo belgian guy!! Dump melted belgian chocolate on him.

Shall post foods later

Mehh. The ballet was okay. Actually, it was more of a series of modern dances. I like all of them except one where the dancers were wearing strings of soda bottles and were dancing to whale music! Might go see the new james bond movie today :]

And psssssssst! UK people who crave luna bars- They aren't that great! To me they taste like really sweet rice krispies with fake tasting frosting. But clif bars are good.

butterfly- It's good to know that someone can relate about the father-daughter thing. I know fixing my relationship with my dad is probably essential to my recovery, but I can't imagine having a normal relationship with him.

gibbit- Hi! Glad you're back. Great that you managed to get over your fear of eating out and that you have so much support from your mom.

lady- Amazing job with all the fear foods! For my snacks, I aim for a protein, fat, and starch. Soo it's something like crackers with peanut butter, an apple, and string cheese/ yogurt.

clay- Psh the little mermaid is awesome! It was the first movie I saw in theaters. That is a really good metaphor. Did you cook at denny's? Oh oh oh! Have you tried the new holiday flavors of clif bars?

mashed- I've been trying not to count cals obsessively too. I'm scared though that if I stop counting completely my intake will start to go lower and lower because the ED will tell me it's enough when really it's not. And yay, your metabolism is speeding up! I got hungry eating 3300 cals a day before, and it goes away, trust me. It may take a few months, but you won't always feel ravenous all the time.

zeb- Sorry about your losing weight again. How many cals have you been eating? I think it'll be good for you to have a few meals out of your control.

lady- Haha this board holds me accountable. Every time I'm about to exercise I think of the people here and what they would say to me and change my mind! Good job with the coffee and nutella. Mmm I love macadamias, buy some!

Breakfast: Bagel w/ PB, oatmeal w/ pumpkin, egg, apple

Despite the general crappiness I've been feeling over the past few days, I've still managed to get all my cals in. I've been distracting myself with schoolwork so I just eat mindlessly and don't think about it, so I've been making 2700-2800 cals lately. I need to start making my oatmeal with milk or something though if it turns out that I have lost weight.

I have to play at a school thing today. Silent auction I believe, just making background music. My teacher mentioned that she might take us out to dinner afterward, but I don't know if she still will. Nervous!

lady- You don't like nuts? Wow. Have you tried nutella? It just tastes chocolate, not too nutty. If you don't like nuts, then you need to be using butter or cream cheese on bagels, english muffins, bread, etc. I think you should get a balance of protein, fat, and carbs, and not just fill up on carbs. Good luck in melbourne today!

clay- Food shopping is my favorite activity haha! Great job not counting!! That is more like a leap the size of a umm... rugby.. field than a step! Sorry about the girl, but there are other better girls out there who won't just take whatever guy they can get. And you can trust this advice because I'm 14 and obviously know exactly what I'm talking about!

charlie- Okay, thanks. How are you doing?

ngemma- Hey. I have to sort of agree with lala, everyone here has a mostly positive outlook on recovery, save a few slip ups. I have no problem with you posting here, but you need to have a good mindset when you post here. When I first started recovery I was in the same place as you, but as I gained my ED thoughts slowly started to go away and now I know I want to recover. Good luck!

mashed- Thanks for posting the lyrics to Simon on the forum a little while back. I bought the song on itunes and listened to it and it made me cry too! It's so true. Especially the "you lost yourself in your search to find something else to hide behind" part. I needed to cry, so, thanks again.

I realized I always say that I'll post food later, but I never do. So today so far:

Breakfast- Oatmeal w/ pumpkin, plain whole milk yogurt with honey and dried figs, egg, apple

Lunch- PB and banana sammich, Stonyfield Farms WM yogurt, chewy TLC bar, carrots

Snack- 1 oz. of almonds, WW cheddar bunnies, apple, YoBaby

Hrm, operation billygoat at therapy did not go over as planned! I soon as i walked into the clinic, the same thing that always happens to me happen. As in, I feel like the hapiness gets sucked out of me! I know that sounds lame, but that't the best way I can put it! And then my therapist wanted to weight me, which I hate b/c she shouldn't be dealing with the physical side of this. So I smushed my face against my mom's shoulder and went 'Mmmmmmmrggfffffffrrrrrrrrr" for a while. Stupid therapist is v. determined, made me be weighed. And I've lost weight. Brilliant. I don't know though, my mom's been weighing me on my digital scale, the one at the doctors is a slide-y one, and I've been gaining. So I'll weigh on my scale this weekend just to check.

Today at school all the people who made honor roll got to go to an ice cream party. I didn't want to be standing alone at lunch, so I went with my friends. I made an agreement with myself that I would eat half a bowl of ice cream, no toppings. I ended up eating a whole bowl with m&m's though, because I couldn't get rid of my ice cream very well. I know it's not a binge, it just feels like one because I wasn't planning this, I didn't control myself! This is why I don't like to challenge myself to new foods. It never makes me feel proud of myself after I eat a FF. It makes me feel weak, gross, and fat, like I am feeling right now. I don't deserve to enjoy food. Ugh.

lady- Well, congrats for getting this far! I know this sounds really scary, but the only way to stop yourself from exercising is to stop cold-turkey. I was an overexerciser myself, and I had to quit all my sports and dancing for a while until my mind and body was in a safe place. I used to drink ensures and boosts, but I'd much prefer to replace them with real food. A PB sandwich or nuts and crackers work well as replacements. You definitely need to eat a lot more, that's probably not even 1000 cals. You need fats! Add oil to your salad, peanut butter to your apple and english muffin, etc. Eat the ravioli! It's a great challenge to eat intuitively!

lala- Sorry about your sister. But now that the doctors know that she has anemia, they can start to fix it, right?

charlie- Ahh, sorry to dissappoint you on operation billygoat!

clay- The tele?? That's the coolest metaphore I've ever heard!

mashed- Sorry that you haven't gained yet. I guess it's proof that you aren't the exception to the hypermetabolism rule, you do need at least 2500 cals. Great job for taking the chance to have a higher cal dessert though!

Post food later, hopefully.