Posts by etoile_rg

Hello,

It's definitely a good idea that you've gotten rid of the scale. However, it's especially worrying to me that you've said you feel happy when you are at a lower weight, and then you eat at maintenance or BELOW. Eating below maintenance isn't a good idea anyway, but even eating to maintain a low healthy weight is a sign that your ED is still present.

You have said yourself, you are not enjoying life because you are overcome with this cycle. You need to tell yourself that food will nourish your life in many ways - your mind, your body, your sense of well-being.  So aim to eat above maintenance. This will help your body understand that it is getting the nourishment it needs and will help you to end the binge/restrict cycle.

You need to feel like there is more to life than how much you weigh. If you really are ready to believe that you want more for yourself than to be stuck in the cycle, you need to get some real help and start to re-focus your energy. I know how hard this is, believe me. But in the end, controlling food is not going to lead to a fulfilling life. Do you have a counsellor? Do you have supportive friends? Do you have things to do that make you smile and can bring you even the slightest amount of happiness? Sometimes that small sliver of joy can be contagious and can help to remind us of how good it feels to smile.

My goodness, it is interesting reading this a year later! I remember when I was first in recovery and put on exercise restriction, I felt like it was the end of the world. And it was, to a certain extent - the end of my crazy, starved, frantic world. Now, after I've been in recovery for a year, I can look back with a different view. I think it was a GOOD thing that I stopped doing cardio for a few months - i believe it was 3 in total. I began recovery weighing in at 87 pounds in February 2008, and started lifting light weights in May 2008. My only real "cardio" if you could call it that was walking to and from the subway 5 days a week for work. In June I started taking walks after work in a park near my home, and in July, I started riding my bike and rollerblading once or twice a week. By September I felt much stronger both mentally and physically and introduced cardio at the gym again. Now I'm able to go to the gym three to four times a week. Twice a week I do an intense boxing class, and the other times I do weights. 

I am not a professional but having gone through this experience, I believe the important thing is to understand your body and exercise to be HEALTHY. Also - as a recovered (?) anorexic, I am very mindful of eating enough to sustain an active lifestyle. So no excuses that "i'm just not hungry after a tough workout", or "I promise I'll eat after the gym", or anything like that. I've learned that I can exercise because i LOVE it, but also, that it is ok to take a few rest days a week.

I would STRONGLY suggest you wait until you have recovered enough both mentally and physically to make the transition back to the gym. Recovery is hard - try to give yourself the time you need to work things out. Working out too early in the process - esp. if you've been told not to - will only confuse your mind and body. Believe me, if you love being active, it will come back to you at the right time. 

Thanks :)

I continue to work with a nutritionist and a therapist. Thank goodness - many times I have contemplated doing this on my own now but also feel like I'm not quite ready.

I think I have chosen to not tell my friends about my struggle...because I've always always had to be the strong one for them. I actually have had a friend say that to me, when I did reach out once ("you can't be sad, you're my rock!")

I will try to talk to these people though and see the headway to be made there....

Thanks, Ellie and Fidget! Yeah, I haven't been on in a while...I think days just started running into weeks, and there was so much to do with work, my new home, etc.  You know, it's funny, people keep telling me how good I look...i think they mean i look more energetic, and just happier in general. And it's funny that when I was at my lower weight I used to think i looked ok but when I look back - i looked tired, weary, sad....exactly how I ultimately felt! It's been a long long road but I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING to be where I am too. So to all those who continue to fight - trust me...it's worth it. Even now the fight continues, but every day, I know, it's still worth it.

I went/often go through the same kind of thing...for the most part I am more comfortable now with eating than I was even two months ago, and certainly much better than I did at the height of my anorexia. Often though, I do think or feel like I am eating so much more than everyone else! I feel like I need to eat every 2 to 3 hours during the day, and so I do..but am still at a healthy-low BMI (not underweight though, phew!). My other co-workers/friends can go for hours without eating! It makes me feel very self-conscious...and like I'm being judged. But my nutritionist told me just last night that when I'm hungry, i need to eat. My body does understand hunger cues, and the fact that was in the throws of anorexia for so long means I still am trying to repair and do need a good amount of calories. I am a fairly active woman too, so that might be another reason.

You will "stop" when you are satisfied. And I think it is always scary as you start to move towards health - sometimes, when we try to listen to our bodies and understand hunger cues, it appears as though we are "out of control" or abandoning self control. But the AMOUNT of self-control we are used to is exactly what is the very core of our ED's. So getting away from that is new, different, and scary - but eventually, as you become more comfortable, is very liberating and you'll feel a world of difference. Trust me. One day I remember eating a cookie outside my "scheduled" meals and snacks, and LOVING it - and thinking hmmm. The world is still turning. And i really am ok.

And you'll be ok too - don't measure yourself by anyone else. You have different needs. And i know it's hard to believe me now, but our bodies do understand what is healthy and normal. So try a little more every day to trust it.

Anyone?

Doug and Linny - thank you so much for your kind words. The day turned out to be not at all what I would have hoped for (the restaurant was awful, crowded and loud - my husband didn't even get me a present because he had no "time, etc.) but it's ok. I'm going to be 30 for a whole year. That's 365 days ....i am sure one of those days at least will be a good day to try to celebrate again!

I have totally been where you are. For me, it was most of the month of april and part the month of may. But i'm a bit better now that I have been eating consistently. Every once in a while, when I eat a particularly delicious piece of cake or a decadent cookie, I want to eat more...but now when I tell myself I can have a bit more tomorrow, my body does trust me. And the thing is, when tomorrow comes and i actually feel like it, i WILL give it a bit more of the treat.

And do NOT start the running again. You'll find that might actually make your cravings worse. Your body needs to understand that you are not going to overexert again. When I was about a month or two into recovery, I started doing some cardio - I had been put on exercise restriction because that was part of my disorder, overexercising - and then i found the urge to overindulge got so much worse. Once I stopped exercising like crazy, and eating when I needed to - in other words, listening to the doctors, therapist, and nutritionist's recommendation - I found myself getting better. It does make me upset now that I am at my goal weight (or around it - i seem to be losing weight these days but that's a different story, maybe for a different post  ) that I still don't exercise as much as I could. All I do is walk at least 5 days a week for 40 min., play with my Wii Fit, or lift some light weights. But i have to believe that I'm cutting the exercise down for my body's welfare, as well as for my mind.

Hope this helps. And hang in there. I am living proof that it can get easier if you just keep trekking on...people on this site would tell me so all the time and I know i didn't used to believe them, but at one point, I just decided to do what everyone was suggesting - what did i have to lose, really - and lo and behold, it worked...

I just want to see i went through exactly the same thing while in recovery (still recovering from) anorexia. I don't know much and every day is still a struggle, but I will say this - I learned that my body was "binging" (i try not to use that word, it's awful and implies that food is bad) because it was "starving". I had restricted from so many things for so long that it just wanted to eat anything and everything, esp. foods that I had once loved. I feel like my body was saying "quick! eat it all before she starves again!!!". And so i kept coming on here and posting madly and frantically about my new "problem". You know what? Almost 4 months (tomorrow, to the day!) later, the urges have virtually subsided. Yes, I do get intense cravings for sugar or treats or whatever once in a while, but I have found that if I do eat a little bit of what I so loved before (even though i won't lie, it does scare me to eat them), I don't have the same urge to eat say, 5 bowls of ice cream. I can eat one and think "mmm that was good". My body is slowly, SLOWLY beginning to trust that there is in fact a tomorrow, and that in all likelihood, I will give it nourishment tomorrow too.

So I eat every couple of hours. I eat healthy food for the most part, but throw in a couple of treats everyday too. I know that you are terrified of the "unhealthy" gain - I said that to myself too. BUT - when you are starving, no gain is "unhealthy". Gain is gain no matter what. And the thing is, you need to GAIN. So many people told me the same thing when I was first gaining, and I remember thinking "I don't believe them, it will never end".

If you are too scared to throw in treats, try this - eat something healthy and then a small piece of something you like. FOr example, my ultimate weakness I'm discovering is chocolate, cookies and ice cream. So what i'll do - I'll eat a piece of fruit and a small square of chocolate. Or fruit and a piece of cookie. Or ice cream or frozen yogurt with some fruit. Sometimes I'll eat dried fruit (because it's much sweeter than fresh fruit it tastes like candy). This has worked for me, and you may have to play around with what works best for you.

ALso - make sure you are never hungry. Keep your blood sugar level, and eat every couple of hours so that your body will start to understand that you ARE going to keep feeding it. That way, it doesn't feel the need to "store".

But don't give up. This is going to be a learning process - you are teaching your body how to be well, how to trust, and how to be nourished. It will happen. The most important thing is to not restrict, because then we set ourselves back. Trust me, sweetie. I know the hell you are going through. I lived through it, and am still living through this struggle. But keep going. You will be fine. Just fine. I promise.

THank you so much everyone, i feel so supported and your posts have brought tears to my eyes. I know i've come a long way, and I know that ED's voice is knocking pretty loudly right now. Saw my nutritionist last night and she said she thinks i'm on a slippery slope...it scared me. I hadn't realized my restricting habits were creeping back, and it is because I've been terrified of this weekend. It's why i know more than ever I can NOT start with the cardio...I can't go to a gym...i'm not there yet. But man, seeing my untoned tummy and my chubby face, along with my larger-than-normal (normal in this case referring to me when I was "twig girl") arms, is so triggering!!!!!!

I just want to make these voices stop. ANd I want to keep fighting. But it's so hard this week. It's so so hard....I just need a small push from myself again. I need to remember why I'm doing this, why we're ALL trying to recover.

Wait - i know why. Because we're all so worth it. And ED is so NOT.

Hi Carmen, I've been reading your posts and really feeling your pain...i'm your height and i have gone from 87.5 pounds to 112...in THREE MONTHS!!!! that is over twenty pounds in such a short period of time. So you can imagine just how horrible i feel...but you know what, there isn't much i can do about it. I'm simply too tired to fight anymore. I'm too tired to keep worrying if I can still fit in the size zero, or how long I'll be able to wear the size one. I'm too tired to get obsessed with working out again - i used to work out like CRAZY, and even though I was a stick, i was tired, cranky, moody, and miserable. I don't want to have to go to that again. When I decided to recover and try to beat ED, i think i was choosing to LIVE, not just breathe. And to me, living has to be more than counting calories, hoping on the scale, worrying about the size of my stomach and thighs.

Yes, I won't lie, I am terrified of gaining weight. I am terrified it will never stop. I've heard 120 is a very healthy weight for our height and I don't ever want to see the scale say 120 (my emotions say so anyway) but if it does...then it does. I am going to be 30 in one month exactly. I have spent 15 years of my life battling my weight and what do i have to show for it???? I've been miserable, i've almost ruined my marriage, and now my body is completely messed up. But it's not too late, and I want to turn things around. So as uncomfortable as it is, I'm just going to have to TRUST that things will be better.

I read in another one of your posts that you are worried what others will think. Again, i can totally identify. I think maybe if I lived on an island by myself, i would be fine with the weight gain. But then, who wants to live by themselves? And I've also discovered - people who really care about us don't notice our weight. No one is grabbing at our tags to see what size we are, no one else gawks at the numbers on the scale. And think about it - are those the things that matter to you when you talk to your friends - do you like them because of how they look, or because of who they are??? Give yourself a break, sweetie. You are beautiful, inside and out. You deserve happiness. Real, honest, happiness, not plagued by obsession and control. I know what it feels like to cry everyday, to be upset with the weight gain. But think of it this way - we are being given the opportunity to live. We have to take it and trust that it is good. Things will even out, I'm sure. And in the end, your body will settle at a weight that is good and healthy.

SOmething I tell myself - sure, I'd be happy to be 100 pounds. I'd love to see that number on my scale. But in order to be that weight, I can't enjoy food, drinks, relaxation, or things like that. I have to starve, workout like a crazy woman, and be stressed and tense all the time. And you know, that's not living. It's not worth it. And it's not even FAIR to do that to our bodies.

I hope this isn't too muddled, and I know you might be more frustrated just hearing another person tell you it will be ok. But i really know how you feel, and I struggle, like so many others on here, with the exact same demons. We owe it to ourselves to try something different - because goodness knows starving was NOT working.

I hope you feel better, carmen, and if you want, please message me with anything you need to talk about.

I think part of my problem with getting myself to work out is...I was OBSESSED with it during the height of my ED. I would do cardio every single day for at least 45 minutes, plus run up the 19 flights of stairs to my condo 3 times a day. I don't REALLY trust myself yet to be moderate. I'm scared I'll get obsessed. Heck, I get obsessed with WALKING - i MUST walk to work for 40 minutes, no matter how tired I am or what the weather is. I know that is my ED...I'm trying to recognize these kind of things.

I'm eating 2500 cals a day because my nutritionist says I should...maybe she'll change that now that I'm at my goal weight (i have an appointment tomorrow). But to be honest, i'm trying not to count cals anymore...just trying to look at food exhanges instead.

I'm so glad i'm not the only one who feels like this. I hope it gets easier...all this weight gain is the biggest trigger.

yeah i might have overdone the working out - i did a lot of weights and walking yesterday and today i ate a million cookies and a bunch of chocolate (ok maybe just 6 cookies and about 10 small tiny dark chocolate truffles). I know, not exactly a binge but still a lot of bad cals. I haven't done that in a while, i'm really tired and sad today, plus it's freezing and everyone else was eating the cookies and I was so tempted. Good news is, i actually recognized i was full, didn't have the desire to keep eating, so i'm fine now, except for the fact that i'm looking about 5 months pregnant. But i'm not going to beat myself up. I'm recognizing the number i've done on my body. It is starting to even out with the cravings, but i have found if i don't allow it to have treats or things it wants, it gets BAD. God, i never imangined recovery to be this hard. I think in my head the whole time i was "sick", i kept thinking that I could just one day say "i think i'll start eating again"....soo soo sooOOOOOO wrong.

Thanks...i know i have to push on, and my motivation is, it was SO HARD getting to this point in recovery - i NEVER want to go back to ground zero and start all over!!! It's so triggering, though, gaining all this weight. ANd feeling my clothes much tigher than before....seeing fuller cheeks....It's all for my health and I know that, but still. Hard to take at the same time.

I'm 29 as well (turning 30 in just two months - ahhh) and I am having the same types of questions. However, I do have a nutrtionist and she has put me on a 2600 calorie a day diet to gain some weight, so...who knows. She's also said that I am going to have to maintain on not much less than that once I get up to my goal weight. Maybe, if you have a nutritionist, ask them about calorie intake for weight gain based on your lifestyle...or even your doctor?