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Wow, forgot about this site- I started this thread like 16months ago!!!! I just got an email to say it had been updated. I am happy to say I am in a much better place these days! I did get much iller over the summer last year, had a 4 month spell in IP and am now maintaining a much healthier weight of 92lbish, enjoying my life, about to start uni in October! Hope you're all doing ok..love and courage xx

Hi Roseofjune, it's great that you're starting recovery but obviously 800cals is not a gaining meal plan-if you're looking for ed support you should head to the health and support forum or the no ed in healthy group. People are only really supposed to post here if they're meal plan is a proper weight gain plan i.e at least 2500cals as it could trigger others/alienate those without eds.

Pgeorgian I'm following around all your v.insightful posts! I am recovering from anorexia and completely identify with all your saying. I spent a lot of time saying to myself "When will I be happy?" But I've finally realised that "Happiness" ( in the form i was hoping for) does not exist. You can't be happy, happy the whole time. I am learning to be "content" and content to be content! Sure there are moments in my life of great pleasure and bliss but it's not all plain-sailing.

shmeezel Yes you can recover! You can do anything if you really want to. You've been through a lot of **** but have faith that you can make things better for yourself.

1. On a practical level, try and eat regular meals and regular snacks- this way you're not without food for a long time and you can avoid binging.

2. Learn to appreciate yourself and love yourself.

3. Take pleasure and interest in as much as possible that life throws at you and hopefully you will come to realise that there is so much to life more than worrying about your weight/size/appearance/ food consumption and that all those things just eclipse all the good stuff in life.

( i have taken to- before I fall asleep at night thinking of 3 things that I have enjoyed or am proud of in the day- from a conversation with a friend, to the sun shining, to finishing a book. )

All the best xx

Thanks Butterfly, I so didn't think of breadsticks! I love them with hummus they'd be great- I'm gonna set some chickpeas to soak overnight and make a batch of hummus tomorrow!

Yay Charlie for posting! I remember you from the summer, do you remember me? Nice to see you back although sorry you're struggling atm.

xjennie I don't really plan meals in advance especially not snacks, I always have similar brekkie and I vaguely think about dinner the day before or in the morning after seeing what stuff we have...sometimes if there's something particular I want to cook I might have bought things in. I used to plan and found it really restrictive, if i didn't feel like what I had on the plan but something else i wouldn't adapt it, I couldn't have ANYTHING extra "It's not on the plan" and it made eating out v.difficult etc. There are benefits to planning too though.....

My eats today:

B: 45g Bran flakes with soya milk

    2 Sices whomeal toast with natural pb and strawberry jam.

S: Last homemade cashew butter cookie...

L: Wholemeal pitta bread with falafel, sweet chilli sauce, lettuce and cherry      tomatoes stuffed inside.

Activia Fibre yoghurt, Large Navel Orange

20g Green and Black's milk choc

S: Mixed dried fruit (apricots/prunes/pears)

D: Stuffed bell pepper (soya mince, carrot, onion, bulgur wheat, tomatoes) with more of the mixture which wouldn't fit in on the side, Savoy cabbage and roasted beetroot

Last Almond-quince chewie cake thing...I need to do some more baking! Yay! thinking some choc cupcakes.....

S: will be 1xweetabix with soya milk (microwaved) Is it just my imagination or is hot cereal easier to manage than cold?

200 ml alpro soya choc milk

Not bad me thinks today..

oops forgot to post rest of yest food:

After am snack...

L: tortilla wrap with homemade falafel, salad and cherry tomatoes

Alpro soya strawb yoghurt, pink lady apple

S: ( we had to have dinner really early as i was going out so couldn't fit this in after having a fairly late lunch)

D: 3 mini tofu, spinach and mushroom crustless homemade quiches, 1 potato farl and leeks, almond-quince chewie (cakey/biscuit sandwich) recipe from "Have cake, will travel blog" Seriously recommend these, delish!

S: 2x weetabix with soya milk (heated in microwave till sticky!), 200ml soya milk with strawb nesquik

I think i could have done better....

Thanks for the welcome back guys! Butterfly, you thought about me? That's so sweet. Hope you're well hun. Lala, i'll check out the group, hope everything's going well for you too, I see you've become a moderator! Going up in the world eh? Hehe

Yes!!! Suzyroo, I'm planning on going as soon as i get back from hols (which have been a complete disaster) I'm flying back mon, and have an appointment at marlborough on tue morn. I really really want to go now, I gave up my place at Cotswold house because I decided i could do this on my own. Realised now that i really cant but so want to get better and to do that i need professional help- it's just unfortunate that this unit is much further away. Are you def going?

Hey folks- sorry I've been so neglectful these past couple of days, not posting. I've been working late so only had time for a snack and then bed, followed by work again at 7am! (Split shifts). But today just thought I'd check in before I go sleep..... Looks like everyone's doing pretty well in spite of the crap mr.ed seems to be throwing at everyone. Let's all keep pushing past it.

Still going with 2000ish a day:

B: Bran flakes with prunes, Kid's Innocent smoothie

S: Ensure plus ( chocolate flavour)

L: Wholemeal pitta with flaked honey-roasted salmon and letuce (in the car)

S1: 30g Belgian chocolate coated raisins

S2: Ensure plus ( caramel flavour)

D: 2x large homemade chickpea cakes (with coriander, green pepper, onion, spices and greek yoghurt) with red onion salad, Braeburn apple (ran out of pink lady

S: Options hot chocolate and homemade oatmeal-raisin cookie

Gibbit sorry the internship isn't going so great. I say stick it out for a few days and then if it's still the same get out of it. There's no point staying in something which a. you're not enjoying and b.has no benefits. You might as well go and do something more constructive and fun! Up to you obviously though. Personally havn't experienced the mid-night snacking thing, but if you're waking up hungry it's def a good idea to listen to it. I just have to get up every night to pee!

Theo Loving the alphabet day ideas although z might be a tad tricky! I think it's really good to make things fun, that's why I like cooking, I feel like I'm sort of embracing the gaining a bit more in trying to enjoy the process if that makes sense? Good luck tomorrow, we know there's nothing rationally to be afraid of and why would we want to be irrational? I know you can do it.

Agru and Wistful Yay for positive weight gains!! i gained too, feeling good about it and like I'm becoming a stronger and stronger person. Let's keep it up.

Charlie Thinking I might aim for 6.5 stone (90lbish) to start running again, obviously will make sure I'm eating enough to gain though. I can't wait much longer, serious incentive to keep going with this.

Aussie A thousand congrats for college it sounds fantastic, something you definitely want to get better to enjoy as much as poss. Well done on gaining too, know what you mean about wanting the number to go down but that's not us remember? just sneaky old ed. Pretty sure I'm not gonna have to get to a "healthy" bmi either as I was eating normally and not worrying about food and with periods while classed as "underweight" Will wait for the periods and see though. I'm still gonna stick with 2000 for a while and try and get to that number on hols too, see where I am weightwise when I get back, if I need to increase or not.

Relena Sorry things are tough for you right now. I feel like things have got to get worse to get better. It took me getting reallly really miserable  to realise that I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that and that to do that i would have to give up the ed. I feel like decisions about recovery need to be your own so perhaps if you are at the stage where you truly want to get better than you need to give your mum some more input and talk to her about how you want to go about things.

Butterfly Sorry things are difficult for you too, but think about all the positve gains you are making with weight gain- health, happiness, friendships, life?!!! Isn't that a reason to smile????? You're doing brilliantly sweetie, keep on going with it.

Yay so I weighed in this morning and am up to 84.6lb!!! Woweeeee! That's up 0.6lb from last week and so total gain of 2lb in 2 weeks since I upped the intake. It does seem a lot, and it's pretty scary seeing the numbers going up finally I must admit, but at the same time, it's amazing feeling like I'm actually recovering!!! I'm beating this finally and I want to. I spent months faffing about pretending I wanted to get better, now I do want to and I am!!!! Sorry for getting carried away, but yay my life is returning to it's rightful owner, the real Emma not nasty ed (noname as my Mum and I call him/her/it!)

Anyone have any more advice about how to go about things on hols?

love and hugs xx

Food was:

B: Kid's Innocent smoothie, 35g fruit and nut weetabix minis

S: Ensure plus

L: brown petit pain roll with t pb, lettuce and cherry tomatoes, Activia rhubarb yoghurt.

S1: Dried apricots

S2 Ensure plus

D: mushroom and cheddar souffle omelette with baby carrots, 1 nectarine and 1 pink lady apple.

S: Options hot chocolate and homemade oatmeal-raisin cookie.

Agru: A belated happy bday- hope you had a super day and tried to enjoy the celebrations especially the food without getting too worried about things.

Aquaev: Thanks for the pics of the funnel cake- I was so disappointed, like theo I thougt it would be in the shape of a funnel! Reminds me of that Spanish stuff "churros" which is the same idea and they dip it in thick melted chocolate or coffee for breakfast. Congrats on the period, that really is fantastic, don't listen to that ed, instead of feeling like a failed anorexic you should feel like a brilliant recoverer, you can be the best at a good thing rather than a bad one.

Aimee: Your comment about butch lesbians made me laugh! hehe! I bet your hair looks great. I never have anything other than a trim done to mine as I'm too frightened!

Alysha: Homemade almond milk? Sounds amazing! You can't buy almond milk in the UK as far as I'm aware but I've seen posts including it and it always sounds yummy. If you make it successfully perhaps you could post the recipe. I'm really into cooking and making stuff at the mo so def up for trying that.

Gingerbreadman: Welcome! This is a great place to be and seeing as you've done the hardest bit and made the difficult decision to get better we are all here to support you in the process.

Gibbit: Blackbean burger sounds yum- I never go anywhere which does food like that if i go out to eat with my family. I was thinking the other day how fun it will be when i'm older getting to buy and cook food for myself and choose exactly what i want  and not be restrained by my family. I know how you feel about the 2-sidedness, it really is as if there's some bitch inside me fighting everything positive I do in recovery, i find it helps to recognise that when I feel crap these feelings aren't my own but it's that little creature inside me trying to make me feel bad.

Aussie: Yep the fortisip sound a lot like Ensure plus, I havn't tried replacing them with food but I was taking them previously and then trying to eat normally as well with the aim of them being the extra needed to gain but I ended up just using them to make up the cals to maintain. Now though I've increased my meals and added other snacks so I'm actually gaining. I don't think your body gets used to the sort of cals you're consuming so I guess you just must be eating more if you're gaining. Well done you! How are you going about upping the intake?

Charlieuk: your food sounds super delish yest. What brand are the choc fudge granola bars? Do you just put a pc of chocolate into the hot choc or do you have hot milk and then turn it into hot choc with solid choc? The yog/rhubarb/biscuit thing sounds good....hell the whole day does...the stir-fry and the milkshake!!!! YUM!

Charliebo: sorry you're struggling but you're def doing the right thing, I'm so proud of you for pushing through this- A lot of motivation for me keeping eating comes from the fact that i don't want my body not to trust me to feed it and to restore my metabolism. I figure it doesn't matter for what reasons i'm doing it as long as I am! (Like the sound of that soup)

Linny: I'm so glad you're posting here now, you really are "positive" and it rubs off on me, yay! I think the flavours of Ensure plus are diff in the UK to the US we have vanilla, choc, strawberry, orange, banana, forest fruits, caramel, blackcurrant, raspberry, coffee. I personally like them all but maybe strawberry, coffee and blackcurrant are particular faves! Hehe. I think they make a great snack, v. convenient and good balanced nutrition.

Theo: A big pat on the back for you for deciding to up the cals- I lurked at 1500 for months pretending I was recovering because I was eating decently ( but not enough to gain) so it was a big step to actually move up to 2000 a couple of weeks ago. I'm weighing on Mon now, eek! Hoping I gained this week obviously just scared it will be a lot.

Had a day off work today and I actually managed to let myself relax and not feel like I have to be doing something the whole time. This morning I did a bit of crocheting! My new found hobby! I went blackberry-picking this afternoon, there are so many in the fields at the mo I can't stand seeing them all go to waste, then i printed off a bunch of recipes for my recipe file and took my doggy on a nice walk along the river. Managed to keep going with the 2000cals too! Yay! Be happy everyone it's an amazing feeling

Food today:

B: All bran with prunes on top, 200ml cloudy apple juice

S: Ensure plus peach flavour

L: Wholemeal wrap with falafel, last of my spinach, cherry tomatoes, Activia vanilla ff yoghurt.

S1: 50g dried mango

S2: Ensure plus forest fruits flavour

D: Baked mackerel with herby oat crust, new potatoes and broad (fava in the US) beans, raspberries.

S: Optins hot chocolate with homemade oatmeal-raisin cookie.

Alysha sorry I forgot to welcome you before! Please feel free to comment on anything you want, the support everyone offers as gibbit says is such a reassurance and self-esteem booster. I'm in England so probably won't make a difference to you but I have the Ensure prescribed by my doctor so luckily for me they are easy to get hold of and free! I know there are probably preservatives and all that jazz in them but I still feel ok about them as they are certainly balanced nutrition and find them v.convenient.

Aqua 13? That's crazy. I'm 18 but feel way younger. Totally agree about the weight gain distribution thing... I've only been actually gaining for a couple of weeks now but already am noticing it heading straight to my tummy and back area above my hips where before my weight was always on my bum and thighs. Love the gymnastics on the olympics its my fave event to watch!

Psychoj Definitely let's prove everyone wrong. I hate it how my Mum is always saying I can't do this at home on my own, and is so insistent that I need inpatient treatment, I think she believes I can get better just not without more support. I don't really know why I'm so resistant to more help but I really want to try and do this myself so I feel like I'm making my own decision to recover etc. you know?

Gibbit that deliciouswisdom site looks awesome, I'm trying to build up a little list of sites i can go to for foodie inspiration. Any other ones you like? Im into the vegan/vegetarian blog sort of ones.

Agru My Mum actually told me she doesn't trust me and won't until i can prove to her that i can do this with the no. on the scale being at least 42kg (92lb ish) I have a little log book though which I write what i've eaten for the day with the total which I let my Mum see every night. I want her to be on my side with this and also it helps me keep strict with myself as she would have to know if i havn't eaten enough.

Keep on fighting folks xx

Aquaev thank you for the potato bread recipes, will def have to try them (don't have a bread maker though so will give the 2nd one a go). Also know how you feel about the goal weight thing- The max I've ever been is like 105lbs and even then I feel like that was when I was eating a load of crap. Soooo it's hard for me to justify gaining to that weight even though at 5ft 6 that still puts me in the underweight bmi category.

Charlieuk Congrats to you too! I'm in to Oxford! What about you? are you going to uni? Date and raisin cake sounds good, my mum used to make a date and walnut cake with a sort of sticky topping which was incred...reminds me of that.

t17 and gibbit I work in a restaurant and practically everyone has bread before they even have starters, main courses and then desserts! Sometimes 2 pieces of bread, then they go on to have pasta or pizza! It makes me cringe but I guess it's refreshing from my messed up obsessiveness that they honestly don't think twice about it. Gibbit hope you like the beet crisps!

Lala hurrah for wagamama's, i absolutely love that place, I have the cookbook too. I don't feel too abnormal about leaving over half a plate full as everyone else can't clear their plates either.

Theofournay good for you on wanting to increase- I've recently increased quite a big jump from anywhere between 1400-1700 up to a consistent 2000 a day. Don't think it's a bad thing to go for a biggish jump if you feel up to it. For breakfast you could try baking some berry muffins they can be quite small but pack quite a punch. I made a batch of buttermilk blueberry muffins which I froze and then just put one in the oven for 5 mins in the morning to defrost and warm a little. Not too exciting but yum!

Will post food in a little bit, really want a bath right now!

Thank you all for the good lucks- I got all As and so my place at university is confirmed! Yippee! I wish I was going this October but I know it was the right decision to wait a year until I feel truly recovered, confident and ready for all the challenges that lie ahead.

What is this potato bread stuff which has been talked about? sounds good- does anyone know if it's available in the UK or else can anyone provide a recipe?

Angel: I'm definitely copying that homemade frozen yoghurt thing! Delish! (Maybe i'll swirl a little honey into greek yog and freeze like that.)

Psychoj: I'm soooo jealous of you going to the gym, i miss the elliptical! I can't wait to get back there again and start cross-country again too.

Lala: Don't worry about your results- def live in the present and look to the future rather than dwelling on the past.

Also a savoury snack I like is homemade beetroot crisps. I'm a little scared by the ones you buy which are fried so I slice beetroot into think slices, brush with olive oil and bake in the oven at a low temp (like 100C) for about 30mins and then turn over brush other side and then bake another 30mins. If you like sprinkle with a little salt. ( If you don't like beetroot you could try with parsnips, carrots or just potatoes) If you want protein as well serve with some kind of bean/ yoghurt dip.

Aussie: Good on you for getting the pasta, we have to learn to listen to ourselves not that damn ed.

Hope everyone's having a good day

Aussie: Suggestions for easy ways to get the cals up are:

• Have a glass of juice at breakfast (100cals)
• Try having something for dessert at lunch and supper even yoghurt and/or fruit- still healthy if you're worried about that but just a little extra.
• Evening snack before bed, I find a mug of hot chocolate made with milk not too difficult to handle and have recently added a homemade oatmeal-raisin cookie to it every night.

Well done for the nibbling container idea! I do that too! I have a bunch of little bags with measured out cereal or nuts or dried fruit and if i know im gonna need the extra cals then i have one of them throughout the afternoon.

Agru: Yep the butternutsquash nut roast was something i made ( got the idea from something i saw in the supermarket- hehe copycat me!) I grated carrot and parsnip, diced up some squash, bit of olive oil, breadcrumbs, peanut butter, cashew nuts, almonds, peanuts, mushrooms, and chickpeas shaped it into a patty and then baked it in the oven. I had the couscous and spinach on the side. It was yum!

Gibbit: Thankyou! Your food always looks delish to me too. don't worry about yesterday, today is a new day, anyway you were eating healthily even if you felt out of control with it. By  the way checked out your France pics, it looks fab!

Also been away- visiting Granny for 24 hours! Eek how stressed out do i get going away from home, away from my routines, my stuff, my cooking etc. completely thrown from my calorie aims. It's horrible, i just felt soooo tense and like i wanted to go home straight away even though i had my mum there and stuff. I hate feeling like this.

Butterfly: I know exactly how you feel with the anxiety, have often cancelled on friends as i just don't feel emotionally up to it. Also if something is slightly wrong (like someone gives me the wrong spoon at dinner or something stupid) it easily sets me off in a panic, stress builds and then non-stop crying, maybe anger....horrible horrible. I don't really know how to deal with it, counting backwards has been suggested and deep breathing but it's like when i feel like that i can't shake it off, almost as if i don't want to.....

A food suggestion for the supermarket in the UK is:

Higgidy pies! Delish, try the morrocan vegetable and feta or spinach and mushroom

Mind totally blank right now so can't think of anything else sorry!

want an early night so here's today's eating quickly:

B: 30g fruit and fibre cereal (rubbish start)

S: Ensure plus

L: small pc  cheese and tomato quiche with salad and half corn on the cob, Activia peach yoghurt

S1: 50g dried mango

S2: Ensure plus

D: Butternut squash nut roast with couscous, spinach, and tomato sauce, Nectarine

S: Options hot chocolate made with 250ml semiskimmed milk, homemade oatmeal raisin cookie.

TOTAL: 2020!!!! (I MADE IT OVER 2000! YIPPEEE!)