Posts by thinthinnerthinnest

It's a day when I've been brutally hard on myself, causing me to question my intentions - so this came like a ray of sunshine through a storm cloud. Thank you.

Theo, that made me laugh out loud (literally)!

- You swear to gain 10 pounds by beach season to look good in a bikini.

- The only ribs you want to see are some on your plate (vegan ones, in my case!)

Some of my fear foods:

- Nuts, which I still have not brought back. If there is something with nuts in it, I don't care how few, I just still cannot bring myself to eat it.

- Nut Butters. I have managed to bring back No-Salt-Added Natural Peanut Butter, but I have to have my mom ration it out to me, and then hide the jar, because it is not only a fear food, but a "trigger" if I eat too much of it. Being vegan, it is a prime source of protein, which I need, and that is the real reason why I worked so hard to bring it back.

- Any kind of oil or dairy-free butter/margarines. I still avoid them.

- Grains in general. I cut out breads, crackers, cereals, pasta, rice, oatmeal, everything I considered to be a "grain-carb". I have managed to reintroduce a couple of healthy cereals (like puffed wheat), brown rice, and oatmeal, but I eat still struggle to eat them regularly. As far as bread is concerned, enriched white bread was the main culprit in my fear of breads, but after I cut it out, I cut out every other kind of bread. I've managed to bring back bread in the form of Ezekiel 4:9 products, which are sprouted and cooked at very low temperatures to help preserve precious enzymes. I think it should be a real staple in any recovering anoretic's diet because it's higher in calories than most breads as well, and can probably be considered one of those "high cal, low density foods". Not only is it insanely healthy, but I also feel better knowing that since it is sprouted, it doesn't digest like other breads, but, instead, digests as a vegetable, which makes it easier for me to eat without guilt. It's been an incredible blessing in my experience. **The only Ezekiel product I have yet to try as a reintroduction is their pasta, I still can't make myself eat pasta, even if it's sprouted.**

- Vegan mayo/sour cream/cream cheese. I still can't do them.

- Anything FRIED, especially potato chips. I initially cut them out because they started making me sick, although I had the really bad habit of sniffing potato chip bags after I cut them out until I got the insane idea that I wasn't losing weight because I was doing so, so I stopped doing that out of my irrational fear. To this day, I still will not touch anything friend. Of all of the foods I've blacklisted, I think this will be the hardest for me to get over, if I ever do.

- Soda or other drinks containing sugar (like juices and sweetened teas). Cutting all of this out did me really well in that I started drinking hot, herbal teas with wonderful benefits, but did me just as bad because I also developed a severe diet soda addiction, which I'm still trying to break. I still don't drink sugary drinks.

- Anything sweet that I considered to be an "indulgence" (candies, cakes, soy ice creams, pastries, etc), etc. etc. etc. I'm hoping that I can make a breakthrough with this on my birthday, which is the last day of November. For the first time in 8 years, I want to be able to have a slice of vegan birthday cake, complete with a scoop of soy mocha fudge ice cream (I've been eyeing it forever), but I'll admit that that's a lot to ask for at this point.

BAAAAAAAAAH, when my skeleton was out of the closet about my ED (pun intended), my parents went CRAZY. I live in the south, so they were trying to fatten me up on fried foods (which I had completely cut out) and sweet tea (which I had completely cut out). They pushed too hard and ended up scaring me out of even trying for a few months. I know now that I should have found my voice and told them, "Look, this is how it's going to be..." but I didn't have it in me, then. I've since told my mom that if I gain weight, I'm going to gain it eating healthy foods that nourish my body, not by pumping myself full of the junk food that helped lead me into the arms of my eating disorders to begin with. I also had to tell her that junk food triggers my bulimia, which pretty much sent the message home and she didn't push after that.

I know that my parents pretty much have the notion that I have to gain every pound back TONIGHT to insure that I don't drop dead tomorrow. I think a lot of people think that way when watching a loved one go through an ED. They're just scared for them. But just be honest with your parents and let them know that they will do more good in walking beside you instead of in front of you.

Good luck!

direwolf689: Thank you for the tips and your encouragement, I will definitely be trying these tonight. I have some Vicks in the medicine cabinet :) Thank you!

lalabanana: Thank you, too, for your tips and support. When I first started taking weight gain seriously, I started adding small things to my usual eating schedule, like chick peas to my nothing-but-raw-veggies salad, for example. I was doing okay at first with the small stuff, but it got to a point where I knew I had to start adding more and more things, and I started to think of all of the foods to come like peanut butter and bread and I started running scared more and more often when I thought of myself actually bringing back the foods I've blacklisted over the past 8 years. It still seems so impossible to me! My BMI right now is at the lowest it's ever been and I think that it does play a role in why I can't eat along with the stress. I am aware of refeeding syndrome, but I never studied it in depth, so thank you for that link! It shed a lot of light on the subject for me. I know that I should go to a doctor about this instead of just get on the internet and whine about it; I have been wanting to go see a professional for a long time, now, but I feel so guilty about asking to go because my mom is struggling to get by right now financially and I'm not even insured. But the link you posted might be able to help with that, so I'm going to go check it out right now! Thank you again :)

I feel like a contradiction to in a different way; my stomach was the first to go when my ED got at it's worst point! I always had the impression that the limbs are the first thing to "disappear", but my stomach is so concave and disgusting, yet my thighs and upper arms are very thin, but not as emaciated looking as my stomach. What's even worse is that my the lower part of my legs and arms are just bone, so I look like Frankenstein's monster, being sewed into one being with different body parts! I look terribly disproportionate and I feel so ashamed because of it, I can't even bring myself to update my profile pictures :(

Sorry, this is probably no help to you, but I know how you feel :(

If you really want something warm to help fill you up, go with a hot herbal tea. You can sweeten it with Splenda (better yet, Stevia, a naturally sweet zero calorie herb) if you don't like it straight. Green tea and especially Yerba Mate tea have appetite suppressing qualities!

I am SO sorry to hear about your cat; I lost my precious cat, Ezra Blue, just two weeks ago and it shook my world apart. It deepened my depression so much, I couldn't eat for days (which wasn't a good thing as I cannot afford to lose any more weight).

I'm not sure what to tell you to do, I guess because I am in the same boat and don't know what to do myself. I could suggest something, like a new hobby or something, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes, depression overshadows all things and nothing can conquer it or outshine it. If it's simply a bad case of the blues, it will pass over time as things settle down. But if you feel it's getting to the point where it's unable to be controlled, perhaps you should see a doctor.

I'm sorry, I suck at advice :(

I've been struggling with anorexia/bulimia for 8 years and I, too, have suffered from depression. More often than not, you'll find that EDs and depression go hand in hand; one always causes the other.

My sister, too, takes Lexapro (for her social anxiety) and it hasn't made her gain any weight. She says it really works, too, and she's not addicted to it or anything. It's been recommended for me, but I have yet to start it. Perhaps you can ask your doctor about that, but express your concern about not wanting anything you may become dependent on!

You've come so far and you HAVE been doing well. This is just another bump in the road to what will hopefully be a full recovery for you. Remember that if you can do this well at defeating your eating disorder, you can do equally well at silencing your depression. Just keep working at it! I wish you all of the luck in the world.

I just wanted to say good job on your progress!! I've been suffering from anorexia and bulimia for 8 years. I'm still waiting to plan my first weight gain meal. I hope it comes soon.

Ughhhhhhh, exactly my problem!!

I ditched the treadmill, bought a pedometer, and started doing real walking; some days I go 3 miles up the mountain I live on, some days I jog in the park, some days I walk along the roads behind my house. It's actually better than the treadmill because I get all of the hills and stuff, which is more beneficial to building muscle.

As for strength training routines, I started mixing it up with a mixture of yoga/pilates. It's easy yet very, very, very rewarding as far as your body is concerned; not to mention you feel so good afterwards. I also bought a DVD that gives you a total workout through dancing, which I thought would be corny, but it's actually really fun and relaxing. Nothing like Richard Simmons.

And if you've got some money to spend, you might be interested in purchasing a Wii Fit? I have heard those things really help tone.

Hope this was a little help?

Try looking on vegweb.com. That's one of the biggest vegan recipe sites on the web. I know there is one on there called "Whole Wheat Banana Pancakes". I cooked them last year (before I cut out like 90% of everything I ate) and they were so fluffy I thought I had died and gone to Heaven! There are tons of pancake recipes on there, too, so if whole wheat or banana isn't your thing, I'm sure there is something there that is!

Hi there,

Good job on getting out of this hellish eating disorder mentality. I've been here 8 years (anoretic with bulimic tendencies) and still haven't gotten out.

I, too, am a clean eater. Have you ever considered trying to eat raw vegan? That diet is as clean and pure as you can get and the core of that diet is more than just raw fruits and veggies. It also focuses on raw nuts, seeds, etc. So it's a good diet if you're looking for healthy fats to incorporate back into your diet and the food is nothing but pure.

I changed over to this lifestyle when I was trying to gain weight last year and it really helped me. And I didn't feel like it was a disgusting weight gain. My problem was that I still did not have a healthy frame of mind, I still had that eating disorder mentality, and I ditched it for lettuce and grapefruits again.

I hope this can be some help to you. Good luck.

Hyl