Posts by illusionist93

Thank you all so much for your honest input. I am trying to keep my mind off of weight loss and am focused on embracing my new body and how much stronger I have become. This is a tough situation to go through and I know life will not be the same afterwards, but, its always encouraging to know there is more support out there and to know that I am not the only one suffering from this problem.

The binging has basically been from deprivation, undereating, and overexercising. I hate that moment when I lose all control. I am starting over again today from a binge episode yesterday. I tell myself each day is a new dau, and not to beat myself up over it. Just move along!

I am so willing to take some more advice- bring it on! :)

HW, CW, GW, sex, age, height.  103, 99, 95 Female 15  5'3

Now, for the juicier stuff:

Describe a bit about your family, social and romantic life.

Family life is the norm and I have a nice group of close friends. At the moment, I am not in a relationship (I WISH!)

What category would you say your eating disorder falls under?

I am a mix between anorexica athletica and bulimia. Its pretty intense at the moment, but its starting to wind down a bit.

What circumstances would you say triggered your eating disorder?

My Dad lost a total of 40 pounds at a sudden moment and he began doing so by running 6-7 miles a day and ordering nothing but salads and open faced sandwiches for lunch. I also have a friend who is really thin and so is her mom, but her mother is crazy and has them BOTH on weight watchers. That def got me triggered. Both parents practice healthy eating and exercise habits and I wanted to do the same.

What made you realize you had developed your eating disorder?

I lost a ton of weight on purpose, I ate very little and people sometimes made comments about that, I exercised more than necessary, I ALWAYS think about food, exercise, and calories.

Do you have a history of eating disorders? Are there others within your immidiate circle of family and friends witheating disorders?

No, but very few family members are obsessed with good exercising habits and run ALOT. An aunt runs 6 miles every day and lives off of decaf coffee, tuna, and caesar salad.

Describe any changes you've noticed in your own behaviours since the eating disorder began.

I began picking at my food (pretending it looked like I ate alot of it), I'd wrap my food pieces up in a napkin and throw it away to look like I ate my food off my plate, and I pace around alot.

Describe any changes you've noticed in other's relationships towards you since your wating disorder began.

I have been irritable towards my family members, I've been much calmer around friends, and quite emotional in general.

Have you managed to keep your eating disorder a secret? Who have you told? Has anyone found out on their own?

My parents realized I had a problem when they noticed I had lost a significant amount of weight in small amount of time ( about 10 pounds in a month). I told 4 of my closest friends and they plus my family support my recovery.

If so, how did they react? Have they been a help or a hinderance?

Parents have been both a help and hinderance. Mom wanted to restrict my exercise or even considered cutting it out all together to help me gain the weight back. Dad was much more forgiving, but made sure I ate a heck of alot more if I wanted to do what I was doing (running 2-3 miles a day everyday).Friends have supported me and are there to help me.

What would you say is the hardest thing about your eating disorder?

Hurting my loved ones and watching myself hurt them by denying I have a problem and not wanted help. Telling them to leave me alone has damaged some of the strong relationships my family members and I had.

What would you say you actually enjoy about having an eating disorder?

The fact that I have control over what I eat and how much. But sometimes it becomes obsessive.

Describe some of the emotions you have had to face since developing your eating disorder.

Depression, deprivation, guilt (after binge eating from restriction), useless, sad, unmotivated, stressed. On occasion I was happy with my recover and slow weight gain, but I hated looking at myself in the mirror.

Do you have any rituals/ obsessions with food or excersise? Describe them.

I measure almost everything I eat. I obsess about foods that are "forbidden", and sometimes, restrict myself completely, which leads to crazy binging of around 1000 calories or so. Then, once I eat alot and feel guily, instead of vomiting or laxatives, I hop on the treadmill and run off what I ate.

Have you ever had to use trickery to fool others about hyour eating disorder? Your family/ friends/ doctor?

Yes, with my parents. I have hidden food into a napkin during dinner without them looking (pretended I had sneezed) so I knew I ate less than what was on my plate, excused myself from dinner with my glass of milk to "go to my room to get something" and I would head to the bathroom and pour some of the milk down the drain (horrible waste, yes, but I was afraid of the extra cals coming from a full glass of reduced fat milk).

Do you have a therapist or any kind of professional help?

I finally gave in to the idea of getting help once my eating disorder and obessive thoughts got worse. I am seeing a therapist and it is doing pretty good wonders so far.

Describe any physical and emotional changes you have noticed in yourself since you have developed your eating disorder.

I dropped a ton of weight and when I was at my lowest (87), I was cold all the time, hair was thin and just combing it came out with clumps of hair, someone could see my hip bones protruding far out more than my stomach, normal breathing displayed my rib cage and I could count how many ribs I had, and my backbone stuck way out. I was always tired and moody, and sad alot of the time. I was always focused on being skinny and that was it.

Feel free to share any other stories/anecdotes that have to do with your eating disorder, whether they are particularily painful or, conversly, particularily amusing.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now? 10 years?

A good college from 4 years of great education in my high school time, possibly starting a career in fashion design or art engineering.

Who or what would you say has/have been your biggest motivators for recovery?

My dad (diabetic, that is why he had lost so much weight and told me I didnt need to do anything he did) since he has always been there to talk to since this came up and he has shown me ways to get back to a healthy state of being. My friends and family are biggie motivators because they support me with every decision I make and I always turn to them for advice and stuff.

Describe the difference to you between a good day and a bad day.

" Good day: healthy eating, moderate exercise, no binging, good feelings, high self esteem

Bad day: binging on unhealthy high cal foods, purging (through more exercise than normal), crying over it, never forgiving myself or letting go

Breakfast: 2 egg white omelet with spinach, mushrooms, onions, and a handful of shredded part skim mozarella cheese, 1 slice honey wheat bread with a tbsp of sf apricot preserves, 2 ginormous strawberries

Snack: 1 apple

Lunch: tossed spinach salad with deli turkey slices, an orange, 2 multi grain rice cakes

Snack: banana or a sweet potato

Dinner: homemade veggie burger with a slice of american cheese on whole wheat english muffin OR a lean cuisine panini (and a nice tossed salad)

Snack: cup of protein cereal or some fruit and lite cool whip :)

I understand how you feel. I have been advised to gain some pounds and I went from being totally restrictive with what I eat to eating out of control and binging on unhealthy foods like cakes, cookies, ice cream, you name it. I would eat to the point of feeling very uncomfortable and my body would not let me stop. Then, afterwards, I felt like crap. I did this for about a week or so straight and over exercised to make up for it. I am still resistant to gain some weight.

Now, one trick I use on myself when I have the urge to binge is think about how I felt afterwards. The terrible, bloated feeling and the numbness in the throat reminds me of the price I pay when I eat even though I am not hungry (eating for boredom, stress emotions). Listen to your body and it will tell you when it is hungry and when it is full. Dont eat until you're full, eat so that the hunger goes away. AND dont wait until you're starving to eat, cause that sets up a binge right there. Good luck- here to talk if you need to! :)

I've been binging on and off for the last two weeks and I feel like total crap everytime I finish. I eat WAY out of control and its only with desserts like cakes, cookies, and ice cream. Mostly chocolate, though- my biggest weakness. I hate the numb throat and sore stomach feeling that comes afterwards. So next time the chocolate box or the homemade cookies are staring at me in the face, I can remind myself of the horrible, guilty feeling I get afterwards when I eat becuase I am not hungry but bored or stressed. Its so difficult to resist but I feel good in the end :)

15, 5'3

LW: 87.5

CW:92-93 ish

GW: around 95 pounds, a bit afraid of gaining more weight

Howdy everybody! I am somewhat new to CC, just joined about a month ago. I am in the process of recovering from anorexia (had it for several months now) and ever since starting recovery, I have been over eating and turning to food for comfort in crappy times. I'll eat until I am so uncomfortable it is sickening. I restricted and had such great will power before recovery, never even dreamed of picking up a cookie or a scoop of ice cream. I convinced myself that stuff was evil. Instead, I went to the other extreme- over eating junk food. I'll range from 2,500-3,200 calories a day and half of that is from late night binging. I then exercise like mad the next day and the vicious cycle continues. I wish this could all go away.

by the way here are my stats

Age: 15  Height: 5'3  Lowest weight: 87.5   Current weight: 93  goal weight: not sure, may want to stop now

Breakfast: Oatmeal with 1/2 cup 1%milk, fresh strawberries, 1 tsp ground cinnamon, 1tbsp dried fruit mix

Snack: banana

Lunch: spinach salad  loaded with veggies and 2 turkey slices, 1 tbsp italian dressing, 1 slice italian whole grain bread, apple, tangelo

Snack: 1 tbsp hummus on slice of honey wheat bread, 1 hershey dark chocolate kiss :)

Dinner: small salad with some dressing, 2 egg omelet with mushrooms and spinach, 1/2 red baked potato, some salsa, and an apple

Snack: South Beach protein bar with fruit yogurt :)

B- plain oatmeal flavored with ground cinnamon, small handful of dried fruit, 1/2 cup 1% milk, 1 sweet n low packet, 1 banana

S- South Beach Meal Replacement Protein Bar Vanilla Creme (yummy!)

L- Turkey slices on Whole wheat pita, side salad, apple, 2 multi grain rice cakes

S- matzo with 2 tbsp hummus

S after workout- 1/2 cup chickpeas (good for munching)

D- small salad, 3/4 cup 1% milk, 1 boneless skinless chicken breast with some seasoning and matzo meal, 2.5 tsp olive oil (for sauteeing), 1/2 cup frozen veggies, 1/2 a large red baked potato

S- tangelo fruit...maybe some yogurt or ice cream soon! :)

Breakfast= Vanilla Light Yoplait yogurt, 1 banana

Snack= 1 board of whole wheat matzo and 2 tbsp hummus

Right before biking to lunch= 1 apple

Lunch- turkey and veggies on whole wheat wrap with spicy mustard and some drizzled red vinegar/olive oil (sooo good!)

Snack= Kashi pumpkin flaxseed granola bar, 1 pear, half a tangelo, and 1/4 cup raw chickpeas (I have a thing for garbanzo beans)

Dinner= a cup 1% milk, 2 slices veggie pizza, a small salad

Snack= 2 scoops of light churned ice cream or some oatmeal teddy grahams

by the way, here is my log of what I eat (doesnt norm change, eat the same stuff somewhat pretty much every day) is this a healthy approach to gaining weight?

Original Hummus B- 20 37 Caramel Corn Rice Cakes 13 50 breyer's vanilla nonfat yogurt 190 Candies, Special Dark Chocolate Bar B 17 90 Nature Valley Low Fat Fruit Granola C+ 21 81   Breakfast Oats, Instant, Fortified, Plain, Dry A 28 105 Milk, Lowfat, Fluid, 1% Milkfat - With Added Vitamin A A- 122 51 Fruit Medley - Dried Fruit Mix 13 34 Cinnamon, Ground A- 7 17 Sweet'N Low Sugar Substitute 1 5 Strawberries A 48 15   Lunch Lettuce, Cos Or Romaine - Raw A 30 5 Kraft American Singles - Sandwich Cheese C- 19 60 Maple Glazed Honey Coat Turkey Breast - Poultry 56 70 Tomatoes, Red, Ripe - Raw, Year Round Average A 20 4 Onions - Raw A 110 44 Olives Black sliced - Salad Bar 25 Banana Peppers Topping Only - Small Pizza 10 Mushrooms - Raw A 35 8 Carrots, Baby - Raw A 30 11 Dressing, Low Fat Zesty Italian B+ 15 10 Apples A 138 72 Nature's Own Honey Wheat Bread B+ 26 60 Low Fat Oatmeal Raisin - Quaker Chewy B 28 90   Dinner Extra Virgin Olive Oil 15 120 Tilapia - Fresh Seafood C 84 110 Cracker Meal A- 14 54 Spinach - Raw A 45 10 Mushrooms - Raw A 35 8 Onions - Raw A 14 6 Shallots - Raw A 10 7 Penne, dry - Pasta, Spaghetti, Macaroni 56 200 Pasta Sauce Sun Dried Tomato A 125 60 Milk, Lowfat, Fluid, 1% Milkfat - With Added Vitamin A A- 183 77   Snacks Kashi chewy granola bars honey almond flax B 35 140 Pears A 139 81 Almonds B+ 4 23

Crackers, Matzo, Plain

after dinner snack is always 2 squares of 60% cocoa dark chocolate. I'll have that with either yoplait original yogurt and little granola, a frozen banana, or some sf orange sherbet.