Posts by okgo

-Haven't counted in a while; don't know how long

-Have slowed down the obsession with CC/blogs.  (This can be extremely positive sometimes, but I don't think that at this point in my recovery it would be the best thing.)

-Stayed with a friend for a while and, for the most part, ate exactly what my friend got (she is a perfect weight with normal eating habits and, although she's taller and more muscular than I am, following her lead was a really great benchmark! Oh, and we like the same foods [grilled cheese, fries, pie, cake, nuts, chocolate, candy, cereal, yogurt] anyway so I wasn't eating stuff I don't like just to eat like her).

-Yay.  :D

5'5"

LW: 101 lbs.

First GW: 108 lbs.

Second GW: 115 lbs.

Last weigh-in: 110

Today's weigh-in: 110

Just checking in.  I've been doing a little bit of experimenting on the eating front, and I'm happy to report that it's going very well.  :)  Although I am lacking a little bit in calories (as evidenced by my weigh-in): that's going to be my goal this week.  Things are going well, and my therapist gave me permission to experiment with eating and my mood!  It's quite fun actually, although it's terrifying at times.

Edit: I've rethought this, and I'm going to keep experimenting; however, I'm going to get back onto my solid and strict goal of 3000.

I went out last night even though I had so many excuses not to.  :D  And even though ED desperately didn't want to.  

I'm really sorry about what you're going through. I can totally sympathize with you in that I've lost tons of sleep over eating as well—fretting over what to eat the next day or what you ate that day.

Here's what has been working for me:

• find something that you're passionate about.  I know it's hard—sometimes you won't remember what you like anymore!  But if there's anything that you know you love (for example: skiing, basketball, singing, et cetera), think about that!
• daydreaming.  Make up a story about something, anything!  Dream about jumping on a horse and riding through a jungle or something.  Daydream about something you love.  Personally, I've always wanted to write a book (hasn't everyone?), so I try to brainstorm ideas for that.

AGRU and JESSINCA:  Thanks so much!  My mom and my therapist have decided that 115 would be a good weight for me now, until I go talk to the doctor (they're so booked, it's hard to schedule an appointment!).  So I guess it still is a mini-goal weight, depending on what the doctor says.  :)  At this point, I'm open to anything for the most part, though. (And my BMI at 115 would be 19.2, so I'm pretty close anyways!  Putting on a few more pounds after that shouldn't be too hard!)

JESSINCA:  I think because it's "that time," that unfortunately most of the gain isn't genuine.  :(  I haven't had my period in a while (all the more reason to keep gaining!), but I remember others saying that at that time of month, the scale goes haywire.  I wouldn't weigh during this time if I were you, just keep up the good eating.  :)  And also, FANTASTIC JOB!  Keep up the good work, superstar!  ;D

I ate an unmeasured peanut butter and jelly sandwich made by someone else today!  I was super hungry, but ED said, "No, you can't eat that!  It's a forbidden food!"  But I said, "You know what?  This is stupid.  I am in pain because I am so hungry (for some reason when I get hungry like during classes my stomach like inflates and starts to hurt really badly?  anyone know what that is all about?), and heck I'm going to eat the PB&J!"

So I ate it, and nothing "backfired."  Life is good.  :)  Trust me, when all else fails, challenge ED.  Hehe.

5'5"

LW: 101 lbs.

First GW: 108 lbs.

Last weigh-in: 107

Today's weigh-in: 109

Hi everyone.  Well, I reached my goal (not sure if this is a 100% accurate weigh-in [I had a shirt on haha], but I'm going to reach it incredibly soon anyways, so I already have in my mind).  Physically, I'm feeling really great.  I have consistent energy, not just a temporary high after meal times.  I have joy and life and strength.  Even my mom commented that I have muscle again, so it must be noticeable.  :)  I just am kind of poo-pooing my own progress for some reason, though.  I love how I feel and to be honest I think I look hot haha, but I hate seeing the number on the scale.  I guess this would be a good time for blind-weighing, eh?  ;D  I have a therapist, but we don't do weighings or anything.  I think I'm going to get a doctor's appointment soon, and my therapist recommended a nutritionist, but I don't really think I need one.  

Anyways, any words of encouragement?  Oh, by the way, my new GW is 115.  My mom and I laid that one down.  :)  I feel great, but guilty for some reason—maybe this is just ED trying to keep his final grip on me when he knows he's going away?  Fighting for the last time?  I don't know.  Any advice out there?  Oh, and I'm staying on 3000 until I get to 115 (unless, of course, I stop gaining).  One last note (this is really scattered, sorry!): I've hit 3000 every day except one since I started eating 3000.  :D  The one was that I was feeling physically sick to my stomach and would probably upchuck if I ate any more.  I was only off by about 200, though!  And it didn't make a dent.  :)

Mhm, don't worry mars_0112, it's normal.  :)  Like fayxo said, it can be really helpful to separate your thoughts from your ED's.  I do that especially at meal times; I try to say: "What does ED want?  Okay, ED wants a salad with no dressing.  What do I want?  I want a burrito.  Okay, let's go for the burrito."  It's insanely hard at first, but it gets easier and easier as you do it more often.  ED quiets down once you keep proving that choosing what you want isn't going to make you fat.  :)

Okay, this is just out of personal experience.  :)  I have no sources.

Personally, I've always had really kick butt abs.  I never do ab workouts.  I think it's just because I have an "isometric" habit, which I think is when you like constantly flex your abs.  That's what I do.  I don't know, I've just always done it, and I don't think twice about it.  People always ask me why I suck in my stomach, and I don't do it on purpose—I just always have.  It's such a habit that it feels weird not to.

And that's why I have a six-pack: because I'm pretty much flexing my abs 24/7.  :)

REBEL-I know I know I know this sounds like an excuse, but it's not.  :)  It's not a digital scale, it's the kind where you have to tell it yourself, but I didn't say 108 only so I wouldn't get too freaked out.  :(  For once I'm actually underestimating.

Congratulations for asking for help!  You're so right about the secrets thing—letting them out is the first great step.  I have my first therapy/counseling appointment this week, too—I finally asked for help last week.  We can do this together.  :)  You're not alone, stay strong!

5'5"

LW: 101 lbs.

First GW: 108 lbs.

Last weigh-in: 105

Today's weigh-in: 107

Woohoo!  Eating 3000 finally caught up with me.  :)  It looks like it's a good week for gaining for both of us, Tears!  Keep at it! ^.^

I'm happy because for once I'm making real progress, not just talking the talk.  Now I'm walking the walk!

Normalhorizons:  Woohoo, great job!  That's a really strong step in the right direction, congratlations! :)

Bulimicarsonist:  Thank you so much, and I wish the same back to you.  :)  Let's beat this demon!

Jessinca:  Way to know what to do, that's such a great step.  Your mindset looks really great.  :)

Ngemma:  Congratulations!  I know how sometimes challenging ED makes us feel like complete idiots and losers and failures, but that's what this board is for, right?  Just keep reminding yourself that despite anything ED says, what you're doing is the right thing!  Keep it up, you're soaring!

Rebel:  Another step towards normalcy.  Congratulations! <3

5'5"

LW: 101 lbs.

First GW: 108 lbs.

Last weigh-in: 105

Today's weigh-in: 105

Fourth time posting those numbers.  I can honestly say that I'm stunned!  I was 106 mid-week, and yesterday as well, so I thought that would maintain itself.  I've been eating 3000 calories all week!  Three days I could've underestimated, though, because they were all uncountables, so give or take 300 calories for three days, which is only 900 for the whole week.  So we can safely say that I ate 3000 calories most of the week and didn't gain a pound.  I know that I will gain next week, though—I can feel it.  :)  I can feel it!  But I have to admit I am kind of happy at this—if I gain slowly or maintain at 3000 calories, that would be fun in the future.  :)  I'd be a bottomless pit, lol!  Anyways, staying at 3000 for another week and I'm pretty darn sure I'm going to be 106 next week.  :)

Jemima: Aw, thank you so much sweetie.  :)  Gosh, I really should learn to take my own advice, haha!  I guess all I need to know is to keep fighting, that eventually things will be better—so thank you for that.  I guess I'm kind of in "tunnel vision" mode, you know, when no end is in sight and nothing seems to get better?  You just put a speck of light in my tunnel vision, though, so thank you for that.  :)  I don't know if I'm technically "depressed," but then again I'm not technically "anorexic" either.  Heck, I've never been formally diagnosed for all the things I claim to have.  :/  I don't know if I am really depressed, though, I guess it's just kind of mini and in spurts, but I'll think about the medications.  I mean, it's not like I'm in this twenty-four seven miserable state of mind—it's more like on and off.  I'm either bad or I'm good, really.  Anyways, I'll stop blabbering on, and thank you for the advice.  :)  It seems like almost everyone who is anorexic is depressed as well, and vice-versa, eh?