Posts by ashleym82

Hi ladies! I haven't been on in a while, I posted the other day for the first time in a long time. I went into treatment back in July and have gained almost 10 pounds since then bringing me to 101.4. I am totally freaking out! I am trying to get rid of ED but he keeps creeping back up. Friday I went and had pizza (1 and 1/2 pieces) with my husband and son and had a piece of cheesecake which I haven't had in years and enjoyed it very much. But since then I've been restricting and just eating safe foods. How do I get out of this cycle? Eat normally and then punish myself afterwards. Anyone else experience this?

Thanks in advance for your support!

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a while. I started Renfrew last week and was on vacation until today (went to the beach for the 4th). Things were going better last week. I have breakfast and lunch at Renfrew and the dinner with my hubs and son. Breakfast and lunch I do great because I have to, if not I have to drink a supplement and dinner I struggle with. This weekend I was on my own for every meal and I struggled. It's like I do well at Renfrew because they are making me, but when I'm on my own I won't do it. I don't get it? I want to get better but then the ED takes over doesn't let me.

Any suggestions? Thanks!

Hi everyone! I started Renfrew today with their intensive outpatient program being there from 9-2pm. It actually wasn't too bad. I can't do it on my own, eating what I should, and they make me eat but it was good because after each meal we have meal support therapy and it helped soooo much! But my food intake has gone way up! I'm not allowed to count calories but here's what I had today, tell me what you think..is it a lot? 

Breakfast: 1 whole wheat english muffin with 1 tbsp peanut butter 1 banana and 1 cup 2% milk

Lunch: 1 cup pasta salad (scary) 1/2 cup vegetables, 2 oz chicken, 1 small apple, 2 cookies, 1 cup of milk (ohhhhh it was tough)

Dinner: 1 flour tortilla, 1 cup mixed chicken and vegetables

Snack: 1 cup special k with 1% milk cup

that seems like so much and tomorrow is a food challenge...PIZZA...everything is catered in so it will be from Papa johns or some place like that. I'm terrified..but I can do this.

Good work and good luck to everyone else :)

Hi everyone :) I put new pics up of my and my fam from the pool this weekend! I tried sooooo hard this weekend!

Breakfast always the same: 1/1 cup kashi cereal with 1/2 cup skim milk

snack: granola bar

lunch: it was tough..ordered a grilled chicken salad with romaine and balsamic vinegerette determined to eat a lot of it and probably ate about 1/4 with maybe a sprinkle of dressing

lunch sunday: ordered grilled chicken sandwich at pool, didn't eat bun and ate maybe 1/4 of the chicken and 1/2 glass white wine

snack: Sat none, Sunday I felt like I binged but all I had was 15 teddy grahams and 100 granola bar! But I felt nasty afterwards

dinner sat: 1 cup special k with 1/2 cup 1 % Milk Sunday: 1 cup won ton soup..really only drank broth

snack sunday: 1 cup special k with 1/2 cup 1% milk

I am really struggling. My mind is like eat eat and my tummy is like feed me! But when it comes down to it, I can't do it. I hate this! I start Renfrew tomorrow and I am terrified!

Hi everyone! Agruskin- DON'T WEIGHT YOURSELF! it doesn't matter what the number is, you're feeding your body and getting healthy. If you weigh yourself you might have a bad reaction...don't do it.

So as I mentioned, I start Renfrew on Monday not too excited. I've been trying to up my calories because I figured they are going to start me off with much more than I'm eating now, but it's tough.

Also, this might be too much info, but everytime i eat something I haven't in a long time..I have to poo. Anyone else?

Have a great weekend!

hey everyone! Sounds like you're all doing great! Reese's pie! Lemon Meringue! That is awesome!

I'm not a huge fan of the Luna bars..I really like the Kashi Cherry Dark Chocolate ones though.

SO not so good news on my end...I met with the people at Renfrew yesterday and I start the intense outpatient program on Monday. Monday-Friday 9-2! I can't believe it's come to this, but for my son and my husband I have to go and get better.

Anyone ever been to Renfrew? I'm in Charlotte, NC.

Hopefully things will get better once I start the program. I'm just scared with the mass quantities of food I know they're going to make me eat. Any suggestions?

Positivelinny- At least you are realizing that you are restricting. That's great you can spot those symptoms...it is part of recovery as long as you move past them :) No one is perfect, but just try you're best. YOU CAN DO IT!

Wistfulxthinking- I hear ya! I have on these pants today that look ridiculous! My belt is buckled so tight and they still don't fit! I miss my butt and my boobs! They'll come back to us soon :)

Trying to eat my lunch right now, turkey wrap (4 slices) on whole wheat wrap with mustard. Come on, that's nothing right? So how come I am having such a hard time? Should I eat it fast so I don't think about it? I tend to eat very slowly!

Happy thoughts!

Hugs,

Ash

Hi everyone! Gibbit thanks for your response :) I would love to add in nuts and peanut putter but I'm scared to! I love PB soooo much too! I was just talking to my friend and she's like "if you have to gain 20lbs I'd be eating icecream, bread, anything I wanted!" Sometimes people just don't get it!

I'm really trying today. I'm a little behind schedule still on my morning snack of a Granola bar (which I need to change b/c it's those chewy 100 calories ones) so lunch might be a little late. How do you get thru eating so much food? I mean, how do you tell your body to keep going? I get so full after my snack and then I have to have lunch and then another snack and then dinner and another snack! Ohhh my goodness!

keep up the awesome work everyone!

Agruskin- I agree SCALES ARE THE DEVIL! Keep uping those calories and before you know it you'll be running around in circle with energy (if you're allowed :) )

Take care! Thanks again!

Hi everyone :) Hope you're all having good days :) Yesterday was kind of rough for me..it was the first day on meal plan and I didn't exactly do great

Breakfast: Suppose to be 3/4 cup of Kashi 1 cup 1% milk and banana

Actually: 1/2 cup Kashi and 1/2 cup skim milk

Snack: Suppose: Granola Bar

Actually: Granola Bar :)

Lunch: Suppose to: Whole Wheat Wrap with six slices turkey with cheese

Actually: Half of whole wheat wrap, no cheese and 3 pieces of turkey

Snack: Suppose to: 20 pretzels

Actually: 10 pretzels

Dinner: Suppose to: 4 oz chicken 1/2 cup veggies 1/2 rice

Actually: Maybe 2 oz chicken 4 baby carrots

Snack: Suppose to: 1 cup Special K w/ 1/2 cup 1%

Actually: 1 cup Special K with 1/2 cup skim milk

So needless to say I fell a little short. I was determined to start today better but still didn't have the full serving of cereal, used skim milk and didn't eat the banana! what is wrong with me? I feel so full already because I'm not use to eating so much. i go to nutritionist tomorrow for a follow up, hopefully I haven't lost weight since Monday!

Any ideas?

That's a great attitude :) I will get there too! Is a pound a week weight gain okay? Too much too soon? Also, how did everyone overcome "fear food?" Me for example, is PB! But I love PB so it's tricky!

I'm doing great today though

Breakfast...I had 1/2 cup kashi go lean this morning with skim milk

Snack: granola bar

Lunch in about an hour :)

How do I make the calorie counter in my brain turn off?

Happiness to everyone!

Hi Agruskin! This is just a starting plan. I'm suppose to eat this plan for one week and then I go back to here to adjust. I think it's somewhere around 1200 calories give or take.

She wants me to gain a pound a week if I could. Is that crazy? I'm just so sick of this ED controlling my life!!!!! But eating all this food is kinda difficult, but we can all do it :)

Hope everyone has a happy, healthy day :)

Hugs,

Ash

Hi everyone! I am trying to add more into my diet, but I am soooo scared. I think I'm a lot older than a lot of people on here, 25 married with a 13 month old son. I need to kick this ED to the curb so I can enjoy all the wonderful things in my life.

Yesterday was a bad day..it was date night with my hubs and I knew we were going out to dinner, so I had a 90 calories granola bar and 4 pretzels all day...then at dinner I ordered a side salad with shrimp no dressing and sent the salad back b/c my shrimp wasn't cooked (I'll find some reason not to eat) and then had 4 glasses of wine! I do not suggest doing this on an empty stomach as most of you know!

So needless to say I had a breakdown when I got home, and my hubs and parents want me to go to inpatient...I weighed in at home today for this first time since the dr.'s on thursday and I lost another 2 lbs not good. Down to 91lbs...

No mommy should weigh 91lbs. My son loves me because I'm his mommy not because I'm skinny! But for some reason this motivation isn't making me better. 

I am seriously afraid to eat ANYTHING! Any suggestions?????

Hi! Kind of new here...posted a few times. Still not doing fabulous. Went to the dr. yesterday and I'm down 8 lbs for 4 weeks ago! I know that's not great but is that seriously drastic? I'm at about 93lbs now (I'm 5'4) and need to be at 107-110 per my dr. But I am having a hard time increasing my calories. Here's what my day looks like...I know not good but trying

AM

Non-fat yogurt (50 calories)

Lunch- Granola bar (90 calories) or special k protein bar (180calories)

Dinner- Salad (meaning lettuce and tomatoes) with a little chicken, probably about 200 calories

Snack- 1 cup special K cereal with half cup skim milk (150)

Plus about 7 diet pepsis!

Totaling about 500-650 on a good day

My Dr. actually told me to have a glass of wine every night if it made me want to eat, so I've been trying that. I made my husband take away my scale, and I'm looking at my 13 month old son for motivation. He is an amazing little boy and I hate that I am doing this to him and my husband. 

The Dr. has me on Prozac and it seems to be helping my mood (I'm seriously stressed) My husband and I own an Insurance Agency and from that to taking care of our son, life is kind of crazy! Food is the one thing I can control.

Blah blah...just looking for advice..someone who's been there done that. How do I increase my calories from my safe foods? I love PB and just stare at it in my pantry!!!!!!!  

You guys are such a good support for each other, thanks for letting me join :)

Ash

Thanks again Kellygoff! Yesterday was not a good day calorie wise, I think I ended up around 650 and today is a slow start again. It's weird, I'm going to the Dr. and I know I have to get weighed so I don't want to eat anything.

But I'm tired of this kind of life, I want to enjoy every minute. I hate how split my brain is! 

I told my hubby how wonderful he was last night and I think it meant a lot but he's rather see me healthy.

We are going to the beach July 4th, so I want to gain a little by then.

Thanks for all your advice!

Hi! My name is Ashley. I'm a married 25 year old with a 13 month old son. I have such an amazing family and I am so disappointed in myself for getting sick again. I started with anorexia when I was 17 years old and relapsed once in college (had to be hospitalized for 20 days) and then again when my husband and I got engaged. I was lucky enough to get pregnant and give birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy, and before I was pregnant I was a healthy 128 lbs (I'm 5'4) and I gained 30lbs with my pregnancy and currently I'm at 94lbs.

I am trying so hard (some days) but then it seems like the battle in my head wins. I look at my son and he is so loving and full of happiness and i can't believe I could deprive him of his mommy (meaning I'm tired all the time, not my usual peepy self). And more poor husband. He's such a wonderful man, trying to help any way he can. Calling support groups for me and dr.'s.

Today was the first day I've tried to eat a little more. Usually I have a granola bar, and a cup of cereal with skim milk and a banana and that's it (it started with two bowls of cereal and reduced to a granola bar and 1 bowl), average around 400-500 calories.

So today I had a non fat yogurt (50 calories) and a Special K Protein bar (180 calories). I know it's not great but it's a start. Any suggestions on how to start back slowly.

I love salad but that's my safe food, I just eat the lettuce and tomatoes, no dressing.

Sorry I just wrote a book on here but it feels so good to let it out.

Thanks for listening,

Ash