Posts by empo

I dumped onion powder, garlic powder, seasoned salt, and black pepper all over the remainder of a cake (after I had already binged and purged once).  I've smooshed things into the trash, or at least made sure they weren't protected from the surrounding ickiness in the trash bin, so that I wouldn't go back and pick it out later or the next day.

One of my simplest but most effective "death" stories is when, during a previous relapse into anorexia, I had bought a whopping 2 donuts to "binge" on (because your body can honestly only go so long without donuts lol), and once I got home, I just walked them straight outside trash can, threw them in, and never regretted it.

Eminence Front?

New lyric: "Lovin' an alligator..."

Just please don't wait to get help until you're underweight or dying...

There is no such thing as "only" EDNOS.  Just because you don't meet every criteria for anorexia or bulmia doesn't mean you're not seriously ill.  You can suffer ED-related complications at any weight, with or without your period.  Just wanted to put that out there so you don't downplay the severity of your disorder just because you don't fit perfectly into the DSM.

I've been inpatient many times, sometimes when I was very ill, and one time when I was at a healthy weight and medically stable but struggling with ED behaviors nonetheless.  With some exceptions (and other difficulties due to insurance, waiting lists, etc.), most places will take you if you need treatment, whether or not you're knocking on death's door.  As a minor, you don't have nearly the control over your treatment options as you'd have as an adult, and it is possible that your mother could admit you even if you don't appear to be suffering medically.  Some facilities won't even take someone unless they're medically stable.

Has she mentioned a specific type of treatment center (residential? hospital?) or was it more a general warning?

I'm not familiar with the bar scene, but do they have salads at all?  Veggies with some protein - either lean meat or eggs - would be a safe bet with some low-cal dressing.  Otherwise, a lot of places are jumping on the wrap bandwagon.  They're not usually as healthy as they look, but they're much better than a drippy burger and soggy fries :)

One thing to keep in mind - "cheating" every now and then won't completely sabotage you.  You might retain some water from all the salt, but a burger and fries isn't going to make you gain back the weight you've lost.  If you think you'd have a better time celebrating like the boys, go for it, and get back on track tomorrow.  Don't try to "make up" for it by overexercising or cutting back on calories tomorrow...just do what you've been doing.  Anything else will just leave you discouraged.

Have fun :)

Dice, when I was in recovery from anorexia the same thing happened to me.  There's even a thread on here about former anorexics becoming binge eaters...apparently it's pretty common and it's NOT just you.

When it comes to ice cream, baked goods, etc, I'm all-or-nothing.  I've gotten to the point where I just can't have it around.  I've relapsed lately into anorexia, but I still have my moments where I'll want something, and it's never just "I'd like a donut"...it's "well, if I have 6 donuts, then..." so I do know where you're coming from.  I'm afraid I can't offer too much in the way of advice...just that I understand.

No, I'm not getting any professional help at this point.  I know it's silly, but I have to get to a certain weight before I'm "allowed" to get help.  I did go to a support group last night, because I guess I don't see it as something so official, you know?

Thanks for the advice.  I'm sure I'll figure something out as it gets closer to Sunday night :-\

Have any of you seen homestarrunner.com?  There's a character who's a marshmallow, and one of the "commercials" talks about secret eating, so the title cracked me up ^.^

When I was growing up, I shared a room with my sister.  She'd keep any holiday candy she got in a little decorative box on her dresser, and it would stay there for MONTHS.  Mine would be gone the first day!  I'd start to sneak hers when nobody was around, and when she went back ages later to get a piece - one piece, because she could do that - she'd discover that it was almost all gone.  She told my mom and my mom blamed my brother.  I felt like the most horrible person in the world, but I was too ashamed to fess up.

I live alone now so taking other people's food isn't an issue.  I'm still very secretive though, both about my restriction and about my slip-ups.

I can't offer much in the way of suggestions for overcoming the behaviors and feelings you mentioned, because I'm still stuck in them.  I'll restrict and restrict and restrict, and then when I can't take it anymore, I'll eat something "bad" and it's like nothing else matters that day because I've already blown it.  A 200-calorie "extra" can turn into a 1,000-calorie binge simply because I strayed from my comfort zone and convinced myself that the damage was already done.

I do agree with the others who have said that the root of your issue is probably not your weight or your measurements, but something deeper and much more personal.  It's so easy to convince ourselves that if fat=bad then skinny=good and skinnier=better, but if you're sad and hurting at a healthy weight (and a low healthy weight at that), chances are you'll be said and hurting at an unhealthy weight too.

Here's where I get all hypocritical: Losing weight will not make you happy.  For someone with disordered thinking, there will always be anothing 5 pounds to lose, another inch to shave off here and there, and another food to cut out of their diet.  You won't be "happy" at 125, period.  You won't be happy at 120, or 115, or 110 either.  You may get some fleeting satisfaction, but you won't be happy because you'll still be giving yourself the run-around.  You'll be avoiding whatever is making you feel this way and allowing it to fester and grow stronger.

sufferinghearts - No, I'm not in treatment at the moment, but I did manage to tell two of my "aunties" (not actually aunts, but they're my elders so I tack that on after their names...just cultural stuff, but anyhoo...).  I live right near a major medical center, and one of them is a pediatrician there who's pretty high up on the food chain and knows a lot of people.  She said she could hook me up with a doctor there who deals with EDs a lot.  I'd like to see her eventually I guess, but my ED keeps telling me I can't until I lose 20 more pounds, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm sorry to hear that we're dealing with the same issues :(  One ED is bad enough, and it's even harder to be dealing with the urges and thoughts of two or three.  I hope and pray that you'll find the strength you need within yourself, and the support you need in others.

olamm - I know what you mean.  I felt completely rediculous when I was bingeing, knowing how "in control" I used to be around food.  It's all out of control though, no matter which extreme you take it to.  But, if it's comforting at all, it's normal for anorexics to go the other way at some point.  Realizing that was a huge comfort for me, because even though I still hated what I was doing, I didn't feel like such a freak for doing it.  I honestly felt like a fraud, like a "fake" anorexic, because it had turned into binge eating.

Congratulations on committing to recovery, and I saw in another thread that you have gained enough for your body to start functioning again, so kudos to you for that :)  Perhaps now that you've made that commitment to yourself, if might be a good time to bring these issues forward in therapy?  I know you didn't want to threaten your ED, but now you need to focus on not threatening your recovery.  Ambivalence is normal, and even though it's frustrating, it's much healthier than being determined not to get better.  Keep up the fight.

kitten - It sounds like you've had your share of struggles as well.  I know what you mean about finding excuses to eat; I've done that so much over the past several years - boredom, stress, or just lack of willpower to do portion control.  I'm glad you've met someone who is supportive of you, and that you are looking at things from a healthier perspective now.  Keep up the good work, just stay healthy about it :)

Oh my gosh...I thought I was the only one, and now I read responses from other people who thought they were the only ones!

Binging for me didn't show up until I actually made a genuine attempt at recovery from anorexia (go figure, huh?).  I was sticking to my meal plan, making sure I got everything in, and eventually started going over.  For awhile I'd binge and throw up, and then I threw up less and less but kept binging.

Now it's so hard to restrict, because I've had that "taste" of bulimia and COE (no pun intended).  I've relapsed a bit with anorexia, but binging is still a temptation on the weekends.  I've lost weight, but I'm still in the healthy range.  I know my period must be coming up because the cravings have been HORRIBLE these past few days, and once I give in, I just want more and more and more.

I'm back on track so far today, but my back on track isn't healthy at this point (read: restricting).  I know it's counter-intuitive, but it's the way my mind is right now, and I'm not feeling up to being all rational and whatnot.

Thank you both for your replies.  As much as I hate to know that you're feeling the same things that I am, it's nice to know that there's someone who knows what it's like.  Last week I considered an ED support group through a local hospital, but A) it's during the workday; B) I'm not thin enough and it would just be a joke; and C) I'd get competitive with everyone who was thin enough and I'd just get further into this mess.

But even as I say that, I wonder if that's exactly why I should do it, you know?  I can say I'm not pro-ana all I want, but at the same time, my mindset won't let me consider stopping before I'm "thin enough."  It would be great not to have these thoughts altogether, but since they're here, I can't dare to go against them.