Posts by lulu_08

Hey again.... well being at home for last night and 2day has been quite scary and overwhelming ...... but i hope it shows i have done well on monday (weigh day) woop woop grrrr..... it is so annoyin i tried to go on this blog as hospital but one of the school teachers was standing near so i cudnt go on or i wud get the site blocked.... god they r so strict

Glad to hear you all are doing so well and striving for your goals i have to try and grab mine again to push me again... you really need your goals/ambitions in life to get you through so hang on to them!!!

xxxxxxx

well i couldn't not post one last message to you guys :) 

Toodles and many hugs, all your comments were so supportive and thanks for making me feel there is hope and I WILL BE OUT OF THERE ASAP! Will miss you all but will post when I can to up date you and make sure you guys are being brilliant... which I'm sure u will be as u all are doing so awesomely!!! hehe

Have a brilliant November... December and as Clay said we r stronger than any super hero and therefore we can get our lives back :)

xxxxxxxxxx

hey guys.... well the rest of yesterday wasnt gr8 and still cant bring myself to eat more than 1000cals... however trying hard today to get over it as you all have said one more meal out is one less meal as an IP..... i am so sad and depressed at the mo for the last 2 nights i have slept so badly and feel so ill and crumby now...... cried so much for i will miss all my friends so much and i scared that they will have to move on for they have their own lives and i will be forgotten??? :(  

... well today i have a Dr appointment and i find out wen i get admitted and if im allowd to play in my county lacrosse tournament on saturday as my last match before i go in..... but my Mum has been tlking to the Dr and trying to get me in as soon as poss..... wot is her problem? .... so scared about what will happen???

gibbet - glad things are goin well.... and sorry you are not feelin so great.... the hotel sounds pretty nice and ooo a cute gym guy nice!! ur doing so well by keepin on eating no matter what that was my problem in Mexico and now it had left me here ..... have a good rest of stay

agru - good luck with ur work that is so exciting it is not that far away.... it will be sad that u r leavin us.... even though i wont b allowd on as an IP but u have been awesome to everyone :) so glad ur feelin so gr8 and ur life is really planning out for u.... i just hope mine will get better? many hugs and thanks for ur support.

clay- brill with gettin to 3100... thats awesome!!! dont let ur stupid ED get the better of u it is not worth it u have a life to live and dont waste anymore time... u will regrett it.... i no u can do it! hope the weighin goes well tomorrow... im sure it will be fine! Pls dont purge... i used to get that feelin and sometimes still do but battle it.... u can not do it even though it seems u might have to purge.... dont.... i found that distractin urself really helps... tlkin to friends.... even dancing round the room helps... gay i no hehe ... keep up the awesome work and many hugs :)

hey guys.... i no i havent posted for a while (well like over 24 hrs so a long tim for me) for had been feelin so down about my assessment which happened today...... really bad I'm goin to b put as an IP and so scared....... im gonna leave al my sport, school, friends, everything behind  wil have nothin and no motivation.....  need support.....y did it have to come to this for i was tryin so hard and they didnt reconise the efforts i have made....... they said Mexico showd i could not do it on my own because i lost weight and they said if i as really motivated i would have battle on thorugh..... but my Dr he would expect me to loose some weight as in a dfferent country????

help... wot am i goin to do while im there.... i looked round it and yer was a nice building but it felt such a instute and on one of the walls it had writen 'huntercomb (the hospital) is hell' that made me so scared...... also wot i goin to happen about FF are they just goin to force me pr does it work up to them????? My step dad was such an ass today he was literally sayin i hadnt tried at all and he was laughin when the DR was talking about me goin in as an IP.... wot is his problem...??? another crap thin is i will not be allowd on the internet apart from school work so cant post wth u guys.. will miss ya and u have all bn gr8 :) but any chanc i have i will b on hehe

all today i have felt so sick and sad..... cried myself dry and the thought of son bein there is killing me..... as a result i ate ****ly today and dont feel motivated to eat ell tomorrow or the next for i have nothin now.... how will i get motivation at the hopital????

sorry this is such a depressed post.... i just feel so terrible and let down by everythin....

 will post replies tomorrow as i really just got to go sleep as i am feelin so emotionally dead... but hav read ur posts so keep up the aweome wrk guys and dont get urself into my position so if u want that extra tbsp of pb or nut bar go and have it and kick ur ED in the head :) many hugs

hope u all had a better day then me xxxxx

wow this thread has over 4000 posts now..... impressive hehe

mashed: thanks so much for your support; yer i feel that being an IP will be bad psychologically for I hate it when there is pressure around my eating and people telling me I have to do this and not allowed to do that with normal things in my life... sport... friends etc...... no it is the Huntercomb hospital near maidenhead... have you heard of it???? sorry to hear you had some bad times as an IP but so glad you are out now and challenging yourself to get better and really want it! many hugs :)..... i get that quite often the whole waiting for the next meal and plannin my day around my food... eg cant do that then for i have to eat etc.... and yer even if im so full im always like on 3 hours till diner... 2....1 etc..... maybe it is starvation mode getting better???? o well hehe

agru: thanks for reassuring me eating more quickly doesn't have bad effects on you .... hehe today ive planned to go up  by 150cals:)..... well at the Dr with hoodie and jeans I weighed 49.2 kg and my height is 169cm..... but when i weighed  myself just in my gym cloths (tight shorts and tshirt) was 47.3 kg..... so not sure which one??? and thanks again you really are such a big inspiration and you really encourage me to get my goals!!!

pumpkin: ur such a sweetie thanks for your lovely posts :) I really hope the hospital does take into account that Mexico was a blip and i now do really want to show them Ip is not for me...... by trying so hard this week..... hope there is a weight gain to show them its working being at an OP.... you can do it hun.... if ive gone from 1650 cals on wed to just under 2550cals you can do it too.... getting up there i will admitt was ****ing hard but now im higher in cals i feel i cant not eat near that or im lettin myself down..... i hate the feelin of bein fat though and it is so horrid..... have been feeling like that the last couple of days and now and so nearly didnt eat well but we wanna kick ED but dont we hehe u can do it.... i believe u can!!! i agree i hate stereotyping.... for friends not meaning to always offer me food and are like go on it will be good for you and i just feel so paniced and dont know how to get away... but do... also i hate it when peeps at my school always talk about diets and wanting to be thinner, i find that so triggering and negative..... hehe like ur plan for next week!!! yer the pasta did make me feel so bloated and fat but hey as u said it is gud for us!!! many hugs and keep goin strong :)

aqua: thanks hun! yer at school cause we eat earlier than at home so i have an after dinner snack then.... which really helps.... wot sort of things do u have after dinner??? ... oatmeal etc??? hehe i hate the whole clock business it is too dark as well

jane: thanks so much for the support :) well done with yesterday and the chips that is awesome!!! i get that when friends or family friends come over and they aways look at you up or down... o well! glad u had fun at ur Halloween party and brill for having the oatmeal afterwards... it is such a life saver!!!  hehe about the lost scales..... that happened to me with this measuring jug i use to make oatmeal or wotever really and i spent yrs trying to find it and mum was gettin crosser and crosser... but found it so relief,....hope u find urs hehe however it can help with trustin ur eye ;) it deffs felt better after talking to my mum but today she got all pressurizing again but hopefully that will calm down again... have fun at kung fu (always wanted to try it hehe)

dana: no im not over 18... which really sucks for me as that means i dont have many choices about my recovery and i see it in a different way to my mum... however the Dr has said he has to treat me more like an adult for i come up with my own motivating plans.... thank you so much for the support i greatly appreciate it hugs!! wot sort of things happen at the assessments??? for nervous about what will take place.... thanks keep up the awesome work and gr8 for challenging ur ED!

afon: thanks for ur support ... hope ur feeling better soon....and glad ur living life to the maximum hehe

clay- well done for last night that is awesome!!! hehe and cool theater sounds fun... have u got any performances coming up??? keep up the awesome work!!!

crunchy: keep up the awesoem work hun u can do it!!!!

im feeling so scared and nervous... for this afternoon mum told me im goin for an assessment day at the hospital on tuesday..... does anyone know wot this is? and does it mean im definately goin into hospital or they will just see if i need to???? im soo scared and have been crying for the past hour for i no being an inpatient is not what i need for i will loose everything to do with my sport i have worked for and it will make me more pressurized and i don't work under pressure eating wise for i tense up and cant do it...... do i still have a chance????

*still crying* but what i did do today is plan to have 2400cals not 2200 cals... and bang on target.... so hopefully can get it as goin to an italian restaurant so shouldnt be too bad...... is it bad to up cals too quick .... like 200cals a day till i get to 2600cals (if i can handle it) so tomoz stop or should i stay a few days at 2400cal... for if im have a chance to stay out of hospital ive got to put on weight this week..... wot do i do and has anyone been in this position before????? im terified about what might happen.........

hugs and thanks for everything so far xoxox

Hey Peeps!!! Well just got back from my weights session... well as I havnt seen him in a longtime as I have been at school and just been keeping to his plan he sent me... today we mostly did fitness testing and we rewrote my plan as he believes I have got stronger so upped the weights... but at the end he asked to weigh me and I said yer thats fine.... and it was 47.3 kg....... on thursday at the Dr it was 49.2 (but I was wearing much more cloths.... in the gym i only had my shorts and tshirt on) and my body fat percentage was 23.8%..... isnt that really high.... that has gone so much in the last couple of weeks..... can that happen if u loose weight quickly?????

Well I did get to my 2200 cal goal for yesterday so pleased.... and today I couldnt really plan as going out to dinner at a restaurant and maybe lunch ..... really hope not lunch but dont know how to say to my dad I want to eat at home??? and then this evening really excited coz goin to watch the new james bond film hehe :)

jane - hope the party went well..... and that you had fun :) thanks for your support..... i feel goin to the gym for weights helps me feel confident that it will be proper weight not all fat... if u get what i mean???!!! keep up the brill work!!!

agru- thanks yer the planning i think is helpin... but for today couldnt do it as not sure what will eat as goin out to dinner and maybe lunch.... so quite worried but hopefully will be Ok..... i planning to get to 2500 v soon as sort of need to! well good luck with job im sure u will be awesome at it as u are so supportive and ur advice is always good :) hope all is goin well and hope u had fun with ur friends :)

lala - thanks for ur advice and encouragement... i hate those drinks and would much rather eat the food but my mum doesn't and wont let me have the equivalent in food which is so weird as calories are calories.... arrr..... and when i try and tell she is like well it has all the vitamins etc...... but come on y??? the challenges are good.... i made porridge w 1/2 skimmed milk and 1/2 water this morning so a step and the others (well at least 1 or 2 other ones) i think i will try for as u said i need to stay out of hospital..... i like the one about making something taht reminds u of when u were little hehe :) Thank you so much! and hopefully i can puck up the courage and kick the ED in the head!! thats so cool about the job.. sounds so exciting... hope u had a brill halloween :)

gibbet - well the sport is what really is motivating me at the moment or was when wasnt on the 2 week break... but go back 2 school 2moz) as got onto many teams and it all has been so succesful this term  so i really dont think i can loose it or i think everything will just plummet.....  and thanks for the support, i have learnt to try and chug it when i try and drink it! keep up the awesome work and so glad u had an awesome time at the party!!!

pumpkin - hope the 9 yr olds had fun and weren't too loud hehe... and brill with the cake hope it was worth it :) and hope u had a brill time with ur friends .... many hugs and thanks for ur support :)

theo - so glad things have been goin well ..... keep up the awesome work hun and  hope the party went well :)

clay- welcome! thats so good your feeling motivated and that is definately what you need to recover.... at the mo Ive lost it and it is proving tough .... so you can do it!!! definately aim for 2800 to start and then you will need to increase over time as your metabolism will speed up and gain..... you can do it!!!

crunchy- welcome!!! sorry to hear about the relaspe but you can do it hun and me and everyone else are here to support you!!!

today so far..

B- porridge w 100ml skimmed milk and 2 walnuts (FF) and slice of pineapple.... 2 toast w pb andj

S- after w8 session..... 1 low fat rice puddin and protein shake

Great my Dad has now decided he wants to got to the pub for lunch so will be eating out for lunch and dinner.... arrrr panicking

Happy Halloween! well yesterday i got to just over 1900 cals (goal was around that so pleased) but guess wot i ate 2 roast potatos (ok they were quite small but major FF as cooked in greese) feelin bad about it now and scared to try them again but it did i think give my ED a kick in the face so ha ED!!!

today has been average I guess.... last night i planned out my meals (thanks to agru :)) and i decided to not go for 2000 but 2200 cals as i thought at some point i have to introduce at least one fortisip again and i no i dont want to go into hopital so i think the 200 cals is worth it..... i drank the fortisip .... found it so hard and had to really force it down...... and since i had it i have been feeling so bloated and full and just feel fat ...... and also i planned to have a big snack (havnt had a snack over 100 cals for lik 2 weeks) so am goin to be even fuller and just feeling so crumby about it......

well my dad is coming over from france this weekend.... which is nice yer but im probs gonna have to have like 2-3 meals at a restaurant this weekend and i always over estimate or there arnt things i like and i cant afford at this time .... with a real hospital frett to be down in cals...... really nervous..... but tomoz i hopefully am goin to have a weights training session w a Personal trainer (who is seriously gud lookin) so there is sumthin to look forward to and if there are still seats left am goin to see the new james bond film!!!

today so far......

B- porridge w water + 1 slice pineapple and 9 pistacios (FF)

S- fortisip (i had it) +fruseli bar

L- 1 wholewheat wrap +plain tuna +2tsp cottage cheese..... 1 tomatoe....... 1 full fat yogurt and 1 slice of pineapple

S- planned ~ Food Dr Bagel w 1 tsp cottage cheese and 1 tomatoe

D- planned ~ slice of trout..... 1 sweet potato... veg..... 1 yogurt (unfortuately full fat but i supose everytime i eat it it challenges my ED) and 4 almonds

Total = 2200 cals

will do replies in a few mins coz might have snack now to get it over and done wiv!!! many hugs :)

lala - brill with gettin a job thats awesome :) and thanks for your encouragement!

mashed - hope u feel better soon... last night i didnt sleep well and felt all hot and cold all over (weird feelin) and well done for challengin ur Ed today thats awesome.... u are doin great keep it up!!! ur not fat it is ur Ed tryin to rebel... i no how that feeling is and it is horrible but ur better than that ... maybe distract urself? cool im up for 2000 cals tomorrow as .... i no it was my goal today but i dont think i will get there as feelin crappy :I so yer lets challenge ourselves and get moving again... thanks for all ur encouragement and support :)

got back from the Dr a few hours ago... wasnt gud; i have lost 2.5kg while I was in Mexico..... and now it either I gain this week or hospital; my Dr is writin a referal letter which means I have to go to an assessment and then they see what happens from there... I'm really scared... for my Dr said ur going to have to drink 2 of ur weight gainer shakes not 1.... and i havnt been drinking 1 the last couple of weeks and find them so hard to drink so i feel scared and nervous about it...... also i so need to gain for I DO NOT want to go to hospital and leave all my sport and school....... but my BMI isnt that low so why should they be talking about hospital.... it is only 17.2???

also does anyone else have this .... my mum said to the Dr i want her to go into hospital... and i was like y wont u give me a chance to get back up and show you this week and luckily the Dr was like well we will know if she wants it or not.... you would think my mum might want me to stay out of hospital and support me.....

so nervous, confused arrrrr i know things have to happen this week but it scars me to visualize it and do it....

will reply later as gonna hav lunch and try and relax.... but thanks for ur brill support so far :)

Hey guys!
Went to London yesterday to stay with a friend then today had to see this therapist person.... i hated every minuet of it, for i havent seen her for like 6 weeks so she doesnt understand or know about my improvements so i felt annixious and she was like interogatin me for the whole time.... so how have u improved? y this? y dont u want help from me? ..... had all that for such a longtime... grrr does anyone else have therapist people that are so unhelpful because they will not listen to how u truely feel?

But staying the night with my friend was really good fun... before was slightly nervous about what we would have for dinner as didnt know... but we ordered a italian take away - i had pasta with a chilli sauce .... all good but it did com wiv cheese on.... but surprisingly didnt panic just felt O well..... and took off what i cud see but ate the rest!!!! :)

Today as I was in London I was on the go so not the best eating day again... this i really buggin me for I WANT TO DO THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL but y is it seeming harder now after a holiday of things (food wise) going badly?...

..... what is trail mix... for i want to make some to indrotuce nuts and seeds ( FFs )???? thanks

Food so far (s***)

B- one white bagel w some jam (ok not alot but usually wont eat white bread or bagel so pleased I did it :) (250)

L- One M&S sandwich and fruseli bar and rivita bar (440)

S- 0% greek yogurt and 150g raspberries (127)

ok i o im down but planning a large dinner and except just yogurt for pudding goin to make a large bowl of porridge w things in!!!

will reply later as the mother is calling hehe.....

hope all is well!!!

pumpkin - thanks....overtime... not that long (1-2 weeks) if u increase u cals to let say 2500 u will gain for a bit then ur body will get used to having that much so ur metabolism will speed up and this means u ill have to eat more.... i have the same fear of not wanting to gain to quick.... but i promise it never happens quick anyway unless u eat like 25000000000 cals!!! hehe u can do it hun :)

aqua - hey hun.. hope ballet went well :) .... thanks for your advice and suggestions; yer i see a Dr every thursday as an outpatient in a family session, which i hate for i feel my parents talk at me.... i cant go inpatient ... because i would loose all my sport and im determined not to let that happen to me for it was threatened to me a few weeks ago..... not sure what they will do if there is a w8 lose on thursday due to mexico (but they did say to me you will probably loose some w8 as u r out of ur comfort zone....) fingers crossed .... for im not lettin myself go inpatient I will do this..... with all u guys to help and myself!!! wot u been up2 lately???

aero- keep up the awesome work and yer you should feel great!!! thanks your post was really meaningful! :)

dolly - hey!  you seem to be doin so well, ive read some of your posts over the last week and there has been awesome improvements keep it up!!! dont worry bout ur mum and that is so sweet she apologized.... my mum just suddendly flips at me for no reason... confusin i no hehe!! and well done for having the ryvita!! ... hungry is a good sign it means ur metabolism is waking up again and u need to eat more ..... u r finally becoming aware of those hunger feelings ur ED shut out!!! many hugs :)

lala-  as i said to aqua, i cant let myself go into hospital .... i will do this.... but thanks for ur advice and have u ever had that type of drop after a holiday or occasion???

pumpkin - hey welcome!!! it seems you have pretty good motive... so go for it.... i know it is so tough but do not let that motivation go.... from experience i can say once u have lost it is hard to get into the same mindset.... but u can do it hun and we r here to support u!! :)

im so wide awake as it is only 4 in the afternoon in mexico and in england it is 10 so shud be tried... i hate jet lag!!!! one thing i do find funny is that for once it is not only me the cold one.... for my whole family is so used to hot weather we are all goin around the house in like 10 layers, hats gloves!!! hehe

rest of 2day:

D- 4oz steak (190) + baked potato (220) .... veg..... 1 yogurt (106) + 2 weetabix (127)

Today total - 1695

need to start increasing again ... im over 1000cals off wot i was ..????

hey guys... missed you all alot! and welcome to anyone who joined while i was away!!! :) !! i landed this morning from mexico so pretty tired as slept only 3 hours last night and trying to force myself to stay awake so not to get to bad jet lag... arrr!!

Well the holiday was really good fun... looked round some mayan ruins, swam in the sea, sunbathed etc... however on the food front is wasnt gud :(  Well it all started ont the filght out, i only ate one pitta for the whole journey (10.5 hours) so was down on that day.... and then it sort off went down hill from there..... i only ate 1800 cals per day or less and yesterday (journey home ate 755 cals in the whole day... arrrr) also the worst thing i did - probs shoulnt say but i no u will help me and understand - i used laxatives once for i felt so guilty even though i had eaten no way near eneough (i have never purged that way - now i feel such a let down and feel it is even further way to go :( ).... today i feel all edish and crumby (didnt eat any of my snacks and freaked out about maybe having to drink my fortisip?? grrr).... i let my ED thoughts take over me and now i have to climb out of another pit to get my cals back up slowly but have no motivation again... can any one help or expericenced this after a holiday???  sorry to sound so confused and down...

BUT i did face some fears... thanks to all ur advice, firstly on my very first lunch in Mexico i order seafood pasta w tomatoe sauce.... pasta, seafood and tomatoe all fine so i thought i wud have a safe meal.... but it came with cheese on and really oily pasta (2 FF in 1) as soon as i saw it i felt all tense and ill BUT i managed to eat some of it.... ok i scrapped off all the cheese i could see but there was no way i got all of it. Also one night i was feelin c***y and really wanted this rice puddin but i htoughts like... cant eat it you will get fat.... it may be so fatty etc so i was heck with my Ed shut up I'm orderin it! and i had guacamole twice (fattyness scars me)

ok i dont really know what to do because twice my mum burst into tears infront of me in Mexico.... i was in my bikini and she said u have lost even more w8 on this hol.... personly i thought i looked bigger or normal is anything so wot do i go by????

also advice needed to get me back up cals wise??? tips or methods....

Ok enough about my holiday which was really good fun but food wise s***!!! i was able to read some posts over the week for my 10 pesos got me 10 mins twice in the week... u all seem to be doin so well, facing ur fears and increasing... that is awesome and so glad things are ok!

sorry to sound so bad and i should be shot for doin so badly this week but just got to make sure i go up now.... thanks so much for ur help so far :)

foods so far..... (this is good for the past week...)

B- vitamin water (115) + light alpen bar (70) .... after landed

S- porridge w 100ml skimmed milk + tbsp agave syrup and 5 raspberries (227)

L- (at home again) 1 pitta w 2tsp cottage cheese and tomatoe (230)...... 1 pitta w tuna (250)..... frozen yogurt pudding (110)

=total so far 1002

will post rest later and replies!!! many hugs :) xxxxxxx 

aqua - you go and have the best time ever! enjoy ur early bday w ur friends!!! and happy birthday for tuesday... incase cant get on as in Mexico!!! :) shame ur at school that day... but then that is quite nice as u will b wiv all ur friends!!! keep up the brill work hun and thanks for all the advice about the snacks for the plane.... hope ballet went well??!!!

lala- that is exaclty like my parents they are convinced that you can only put on weight wiv 'fatty, junky foods' but they are so wrong and when i try and tell them that i would much preferr gaining weight wiv the healthy foods and slowly introduce FF... but as soon as i said i want to try to add FF (this was on wed) mum has been sayin CAKE one day BISCUITS the next and it is freaking me out (way too fast) and also there are so many other FF she doesnt know about that i think i shud try first like.... nuts, seeds, olive oil, semi-skimmed milk etc.... how shud i tell her??? for she is seeming so agressive since i have been home (yesturday) ??? im so scared about mexico was cryin for about an hour while packing... but im goin to take poridge and snacks like u said to make it slightly easier :)

xfalling - ensure/fortisip any off them are RUFF... i hate them so much but as i have them on prescription my mum forces me to have at least one fortisip once a day (sometimes i just cant drink it as so sickiening and make the cals up in food.. but however revoltin they are they are easy cals) frozen may taste bettr never tried Good luck!!! hehe as i think the others have said oatmeal is awesome.... u can add anything and everything!!!! also pb is useful....

charlie - thanks so much for ur advice and support :) i struggle to to get back up ... i no i shud be aiming for 2800 but i just cant do it... been panicing about Mexico and cryin so feel shockin... also mum is being so agressive and then she wonders y i dotn approach her..... i am dieing to tell her things but in another way terrified to??? home wud be so much better than hosp... tahts y i have forced myself to eat 2500 today for i was having thought of only eatin badly again.... arrr i need motivation ofr this sucks and i feel so lost :I hows things goin wiv u hun???

mashed - well done wiv the snack thats gr8... that is a really sweet story and i am glad u told us for it shows there is hope for us all we just got to keep battleing on.... i dont know wot im thinkin for the last few days i have been like... arr mexico strange foods restrict - for wot if there are oily fatty foods and the next min i am sayin to myself wot i intend to do to eat a FF but never do??? do u have any advice ... i just dont no wot is goin on ARRRR im so paniced and i no it sounds gay but i think i need a hug but scared to ask my mum for one - thanks for all the support hun :)

agru - dont leave us  .... hehe much love and hope all goes well for u!!! u have been awesome and even thought it doesnt seem that i have come that far, i really have and much of it is thanks to your support and many others oj this site :)

post later food.... xoxoxo