Posts by theofournay

Hey Aqua, I think next time you go to therapy you should walk in and say: "I can hear a voice.  It is saying 'thud'." And then refuse to say anything for the rest of the session!

Hi guys!  It's me, I'm back briefly, I've had a super busy last few days just co-ordinating stuff, you know how it goes.  Also I did a (samaritans) night last night so am currently a little smelly and tired!  Still, it's getting me karmic credits SOMEWHERE, right?

As for foodicles, this week I am still at 3.300 and suddenly feeling it - clothes are suddenly getting a little tight, I'm pretty pissed actually - a pair of boots I ordered 6 sodding weeks ago arrived, and of course don't fit around the calves.  I'm off shopping soon, I've been a bit discouraged this week, so I'm being a bit bad at challenging myself because I've been so stressed, food is something extra I don't want to have to worry about, you know?  Just trying to eat low density stuff, that I can cram down without having to think about it before hand.

Clay and gibbit: I feel you guys so much on the feeling fat thing...I am actively avoiding mirrors now, I just feel so fat, have this huge tummy blah blah blah etc, I'm also trying to cut down my exercise a little more, so I'm not going climbing and my god it's killing me.  I feel so gross and disgusting!  On the other hand, my flatmate K and I were up until 4 o clock in the morning yesterday making crepes.  She had a volleyball tournament and had volunteered to make crepes for everyone, but got back really late, so we went on a SUPER LATE NIGHT CREPE MAKING CRAZE!  Actually, I just can't look at another one.

Ugh, I feel ugly, I know this is really shallow, but I'd just like a guy to be interested in me, just to flirt with me, so I could think I was back on track.  And yes, I am aware of how foolish that sounds (I'm an educated woman for **** sake.)

I just keep telling myself:

I may believe I am fat and ugly, but when I was little I also believed myself to be a cat, and I didn't turn out to be much right about that one, now, did I?

Love you all.

Seriously

mashed: I LOVE that rhyme - it should be a mantra: say no to thin and mad, say yes to slim and glad!

Me: *eating my way through a sandwich and feeling thoroughly sorry for myself* ugh, I feel so fat.

R: *shaking his head*.  Not true.  You know, if you continue the way you're going, in a month or so, I would be quite happy to think about you naked.

Silence.

C: Uh, Rob, you do realise you just said that out loud, right?

thankyou Gilly and Gibbit!  You guys made me feel a lot better this morning!  Gilly, actually, there is a group therapy place near me, but I, uh, may have gotten chucked out for 'disruptive behaviour'....I'm a bad person.  It is scary, the rate of weight gain, and don't worry about being sarcastic and pessimistic, sometimes that's what the world needs!  I also struggle with eating out...how are you doing along the path to recovery?  Your scheme sounds really scary, but your nutritionist sounds great!

gibbit!  YES YES YES! That is exactly how I feel!  I just look at people and I do not understand how they do it!  How they don't think about food!  I know how to lose weight, and I know how to gain it, but I don't know how to just have it, I don't know how to just eat!  Next week, I'm not going to count calories and I'm not so much scared as just confused to how I'll know how much to eat.  What will I eat?  What's a normal meal?  And actually, what if I get there and suddenly all the things I've been doing aren't right?!

I just don't understand a good reltaionship to food....I'm scared that I'm going to reach a healthy weight and still be crazy, and if you're underweight and crazy that's kind of OK, because people expect you to be crazy, you're given a sort of leeway, but if you're a normal weight and crazy, that's just wierd....do you know what I mean?

Thanks guys, it helps to have people in the same position!

Hey gibbit:

I'm in the same position of you, about to hit a bmi of 17.5 and be heavier than I have been in years which is really freaking me out.  I was thinking though, we're both on 3000+ a day, which means a LOT of food is going into our stomachs, and I don't know about you, but these old bowels don't work as well as they used to, meaning I'm retaining a lot of bulk there...also, I think we're both pretty active gainers - well, active relative for an ed gainer, so is it possible you're slowly putting on muscles instead of fat, which weighs more?  So you've got to concentrate on that, and building up your muscles, also, for your tummy, I find B6 helps me a lot, but I couldn't tell you whether that's a placebo effect or not!

I think it's a great attitude you've got to gaining, and a great will to be comfortable with your body at any size, I think we've just got to trust that it will come, and hey, on the bright side, at least you're not looking in the mirror and seeing fat any more, right?

I truly, truly hope you feel better soon, because you are gorgeous (I've said this before I think, but I'll say it again, screw belgian boys, come live with me and you could have the rugby boys round your little finger - a girl who eats and drinks as much as they and I do, but with your looks?  They wouldn't be able to believe their luck!).

Best wishes, ok?

Hey hey hey!

Gibbit! we can be ill together!  I am also all gross and snuffly...my head feels like cotton wool and all I can hear is the vague ssssshhhhhhwwrrrffllllll.  Of course M thinks it's not really funny to mouth words at me and pretend I've gone deaf....

So today has been a HORRIBLE weather day, so of course I have felt completely justified sitting in the pub with S and getting through bottle after bottle of red wine and setting the world to right!  (Conversation ranged from Shakespeare: it is too ubiquitous - the audience know what's coming and what they're supposed to feel, and therefore are separated off from the visceral emotions it is supposed to provoke in the first place - we need a way to get back to raw shakespeare....to anal sex: is it a cultural phenomenon because gay people saw heterosexual penetrative sex and therefore believed that the only way to truly have sex was penetrative and were forced into it?  Or is it really a biological drive) until we were quite drunk, and talking about his time on drugs and my inability to cook rice.  Other than that I've just been doing practice maths tests all day.  I OFFICIALLY SUCK at maths,  this is now official.  Thank you and good night.  Also, because I'm yuck I haven't felt like eating, so all the nice food I've planned has just been a chore and now my stomach hurts because I've just had to eat like 2000 calories in 2 hours, bleech.

zebulancherry: comfort food rocks!  I'm discovering food I loved as a kid, so working my way through things like dippy eggs and soldiers, and toad in the hole.  Mashed potato and gravy is awesome!  What are some of your other faves?

Lala: I'm glad your job's going well...How's college and everything?  Are you still seeing the people at the place in eastleigh?  Man I'm glad I'm not there anymore!

mashed and okgo: me and S today were talking about cultures that have integrated the holocaust...So many Jewish people have 'false memories' of having lived through the holocaust, because it is such a large cultural identity and memory, and Jungian collective unconscious kind of dictates that we need to share these memories to feel part of a community...wierd that we were all talking about these things on the same day...maybe its out collective unconscious - though I think if it were it would be something more food related....!

gibbit: sorry you're feeling yucky, but listen, make sure you get better before you do stuff, you need to be in a good frame of mind to ride your bike!  So get on that sofa and CHILLAX, DUDE!  You know, also, my module tutor keeps sending me e-mails in flemish, and I have no idea why, mainly because I don't read it!  Bloody Belgium!

Charlie:That made me so angry!  Some people have no manners whatsoever.  Just who did they think they were?  Well, you know what, I bet they have no friends and end up sad and alone eating spam from a tin.  And smelling bad.  Keep your chin up, you're beauuuutiful and getting more so by the day!

Clay: NOOOOOOO, we haven't got the new series yet!  What's it like?  What's happening?  I want it now!  Which series is your fave?  I thought the one where they were in the colony with the puppet government was amazing!  And you know, I feel fat practically every day at the moment, I mean, I look in the mirror and just see HUGE, and worse, I see ugly, but I just have to keep telling myself it's not true.  Ask yourself: How can you have man boobs when you're underweight?  You are most definitely NOT fat and you do not have man boobs, OK?  And I know where you're coming from with the breakfasts, I find it hard to eat much in the morning as well, I think we just have to do what we can, and hopefully every day wil get a little bit easier...

Every little battle is a battle won, every little step is a step in the right direction.  We can do it.

Over and out!

 

1) what's your favorite flavour of frosted mini-wheat?:I don't know what frosted wheat is, but I'm pretty addicted to cinnamon grahams 

2) what's your favorite flavour of special k cereal?: I don't like special k.  It tastes like soggy cardboard.

3) what's your favorite kind of berry?: strawberries.

4) what's your favorite flavour of icecream?: zuppa inglese.

5) what's your favorite shape of pasta? why?: Linguini because I like making a mess, otherwise rigatone because they're GIANT and you can shoot peas through them

6) of the four food groups, which food group is your favorite?: ice cream?

7) what food within that food group is your favorite?: Much ice cream

8) what's your favorite kind of apple?: cox

9) what's your favorite kind of squash?: Butternut squash, because it looks suggestive and makes me giggle in tescoes...

10) what's your favorite way to cook eggs (or egg whites)?: Dippy eggs and soldiers for a winter sunday's tea

11) what's your favorite snack?: Umm.  Uh.  I like figs.  With parma ham.  A lot.

12) what's your favorite way to eat potatoes (mashed, french fries, etc)?: MUSTARD MASH AND CHAMP!

13) what are your favorite vegetables to put on sandwiches/subs?: Roasted peppers

14) what's your favorite flavour of yogurt?: strawberry.

15) what's your favorite thing to pair chocolate with (wine, fruit in a fondue, etc)?:Dark chocolate and red wine

 

I had a party like that a few weeks ago!

I went as a pirate!

Righty ho....

Ugh, I have a cold and am thus all gross...was supposed to be going to the feurworks but instead am going to stay in and eat bolognese sauce with couscous and drink whisky and feel sorry for myself....Also, man, when you have a nose piercing and a cold, it is NOT fun for all the family - they did not advertise that!  I have also packed in my knee, because in yoga yesterday I had the AUDACITY to even THINK about going for a run, so obviously karma had to kick in, crack crack crack, there goes the knee.  ****.  Still....in return for him teaching me Italian swear words (DIO BOIA!) I'm teaching M really unpolitically correct insults, and at the moment his favourite greeting to me is 'what's up, you poof?'  To which I reply 'bum boy'....

I am also determined that one day I WILL BE ALEX RIDER yes sirree bob I will

tuffstuff: I have no idea what you're talking about, but I know have a great picture of you eating a bowl of food and pouring cats from a jug over it, it's still making me giggle actually

slr: I'm loving your grape obsession...you know, when I broke up with my most recent ex, I spent a THREE DAYS lying on K's sofa eating cherries she brought me from piazza repubblica, and that's pretty much it...I must have eating KILOS of them....still can't look at one!

Afon: Wow, formal dinner!  Did you have to wear robes and everything?  I'm glad you had a better night!  Sometimes it's nice to be in the company of people with whom you can be anyone you want to be, and great job on the foodicles!

Rasberry:  yo yo yo!  YES! Stand up to that old **** that is an ed!let's mission against that crazy mo-fo (again, slipping int the gangster....) do you like Bristol?  I've got a couple of mates there, and they say it's really good, what do you study?  Also, hey, think of all the cool wigs we can wear when we're bald....pink, purple, if it's any consolation, My hair never fell out, but it did get really weak, so I got it cut pretty short (actually I took in a pic of Alex Pettyfer) as soon as I realised what was up, and that helped....

Clay: hey!  You are such an inspiration with your confidence in eating out and parties, your positive attitude is a real help, and I love the references!  Tell me, have you ever seen Battlestar Galactica?  I was addicted, but haven't seen the new series!

agru: yes, we need to face our fears.  But still, no kidney beans, OK?  I still have nightmares!

Gibbit: I hope you feel better!  You're doing really well to keep on trucking!  You're so right about eating more than people, plus, about your mum, maybe you just didn't see the giant snacks she ate before dinner?

Ok, so a couple of people have said that I make them laugh, and I just want to say thankyou so much for saying that, you don't know how much that means to me...I just figure, this is one of those things, that if you don't laugh about it, you're going to start crying, right?  Keep on trucking everyone, chin up!

Oh, now I'm in the hang of it, Im about to journal post (you just can't stop me!)

Roger.

Oh and also, I will still, never EVER eat a kidney bean

Dolly, I've said this before, and I'll say it again, I was at your bmi, and I felt **** awesome.  It was then pointed out that actually I only felt so good because I was at such a low weight that my body WAS SENDING ENERGY AWAY FROM MY BRAIN AND KILLING OFF MY BRAIN CELLS.  Seriously, do you want to end up with absolutely no brain power left?  But to be honest, I think us telling you this is hindering you more than helping you, because you are just looking for ways to justify maintaining your current low calorific intake.  I think you are fabulous, and have done fabulously so far, your determination is a real inspiration and I know you can do this, but it's something you have to do for yourself, whether this means on your own, or through inpatient.  So I wish you the best of luck, and hope to hear that you are doing better soon, send you all my love and best wishes, and say over and out.

clay: sounds awesome - pancake making tomorrow until the ceiling is covered ahahahahahahahahaha! (my housemates aren't going to like you!)  You have a diner near you?  A REAL one?  Does it have a jukebox?  Also, girls suck sometimes, that was such a nice thing you did with the brownie...don't let it get you down, let it spur you on! HURRAH! (why does no-one say hurrah enough these days.)

aquaev: really? 25.000 words on the persimmon?  How in the name of desktops and wardrobes did he manage that?

Slr: go for this chips, i mean fries, whatever, go for them, and sing a happy song while you eat them....my friend's favourite meal time activity is to eat fish and chips watching finding nemo....sick! (hey fishy fishy fishy)

alo: gingerbread.

Just haven't mentioned it in a while and thought it needed bringing up.

Hey guys:

So my problem was, when I didn't log I way under ate for the day, and didn't get enough, but when I did log, I got way obsessive about it, also, the rapidly increasing numbers made me want to restrict, so I came to this happy compromise: I keep my own log in a notebook, and write down the numbers for each meal just after I've had it, then log it into calorie count at the end of the day, suing my numbers i.e. pasta bake: 430, rather than theirs so I don't get worked up about nutritional analysis, that way I can keep tracks, and not get obsessive, hope this helps!

Kidney beans.

They're just wrong.

Well well well, we've had a busy day of posting haven't we!  Won't do replies because I'm MEAN: no that's a lie, but I've got a lot to remark upon and otherwise it will take to long, only to ask, slr: pleeeeeeease tell me that is American sizing!  GO YOU!

Right: Have just got back to ma hood after a few days at home: how odd is this: I've been doing so well, but the minute I was in the A.Ps' presence I just couldn't eat.  I could not physically bring myself to eat, which is very odd, proves once again that EDs aren't really about food I suppose, I just have a terrible relationship with them, I was thinking, sometimes you guys talk about how your parents look proud of you, and that makes you feel really good, while actually, that's what I dread - because this was my victory, MINE, nothing to do with them, in fact, they only sabotage me, it seems everything good I do, they take credit for, yet everything bad or that doesn't go the right way is my fault....still, managed to eat etc enough, just not take so much pleasure in it.  Went to see my doc though, and I put on another kilo and a half (the rate of gaining is a funny old thing, isn't it - I can maintain on exactly the same number of kcal one week, and gain a kilo and a half the next!) Anyway, I am sticking to my metric system because the IMPERIAL SYSTEM SUCKS!

Also, I went shopping and bought myself a pair of size 10 jeans which, I'll be honest, don't fit that well, but it\s something to aim for, and plus, buying size 8s which fit now, and then won't will just give me low self esteem!  I'm also in the process for applying for postgrad study - eeeeep!  Just the funding, oh my good god!  Should be fun though, I love learning.

Had the easiest job interview in my life ever as well!  Was looking for a waitressing job over x-mas - proceeds from a-wassailing can only keep a girl in mulled wine for so long - so I popped into our local bistro to ask, and the woman was essentially like:  "Oh, I like your earrings.  Do you have any experience?  Yes?  Good....when do you get back?  Right, I'll call you on the first of December with a shift, then."

.....!

OK, Off to fare some pranzo, catch you cool kids later!