Celebrate Recovery - Intro/Lesson 1

For those of you who are interested in participating in the Celebrate Recovery, this will be the place for you to respond to the lessons.

Everyday you need to read*:

• The Road to Recovery Eight Principles Based on the Beatitudes
• Twelve Steps and Their Biblical Comparisons
• Serenity Prayer.

Keep your sharing focused on your own thoughts and feelings.  There will be NO cross talk.  Each person is free to express his or her feelings without comment.  We are here to support one another, not "fix" another.  Because we are not meeting in a small group, anonymity and confidentiality will be a little tough.  Please respect one another and what is shared in this forum stays within this group.  No offensive language has a place in this group.

I will start the first lesson on Monday.  Every Monday will begin a new lesson.

Any questions or comments please send me a PM at njakamarilyn .  Thank you.

*You will find them in the forum Celebrate Recovery.

Accept the first principle of recovery.  Step out of your denial!  Step into Jesus Christ's unconditional love and grace! 

The lessons shall be a week long to think and pray about.  Daily talk to the Lord about these questions and let Him lead you as you journal.  Once again I want you to think about Accountability.

Denial - Lesson 1:

1. What areas of your life do you have power (control) over?  Eating, attitude, how I react to circumstances
2. What areas of your life are out of control, unmanageable?  Eating foods that are high in sodium/calories/sugars, exercise because of my limited ambulatory, and at times my anger
3. How do you think taking this first step will help you? Anything with God is possible, I am powerless, and He holds the key to my happiness.  I need to surrender my will to God and put into action my words of His way and not my own.
4. As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself?  Attention: I was argumentative, demanded attention, rebellious, one time I stole from a store (so thankful I did not get caught); I would chase the boys in the playground, fought with my brothers.  Protection:
5. In your family of origin, what was the "family secret" that everyone was trying to protect? My parents married two months before I was born.  Until I was in my 20's did I find out they actually were not married in 1953 but 1954.
6. How do you handle pain and disappointment? I eat, cry, rebel, lash out, 7 months ago I used medication for pain, workaholic and with anger.
7. How can you begin to address your denial? Admit I have a problem.  Openly cry out for help from God and my family.  Over this last year I have become to realize how Jesus has carried me every step of the way in my life’s journey.  I have not let Him have complete control.
8. In what areas of your life are you now beginning to face reality and break the effects of denial?  Too much take-out food!  In my eating, I can see how there has been a change of not consuming everything in sight, even when I am not hungry.  I am keeping a spreadsheet and tracking everything I put in my mouth.  My health has been at its worse over the last two years because of this weight.  I believe stress has been a great cause of the health issue and weight gain.  It has been a protection so NO one can hurt me.  All this has done – is hurt myself.  I internalized a lot, pretended everything was good, but I was so lonely.  Everyday I learn something new.  My involvement with Calorie Counter was a lifesaver when the Lord led me there in August 2008.  Denna was my first connection.  Since then, I have met women all over the U.S.  They have helped me too with the loneliness and fears.  
9. Are you starting to develop a support team? Yes, Andy, John Michael, Denna and Lorraine

hmm.  that's a tough start, but here goes. . .  

Today was a real tough day for me emotionally.  Yesterday, I wrote out the answers to the first lesson - Denial - which is based on Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Today, I wanted to talk with my accountability team, Andy (my husband) and John Michael (my son).  Wow!  Things came out that initially I felt were hurtful.  I guess this is what they mean about "Tough Love".   I need to admit I have a problem.  I have to stop right now, this moment!  Most of the day I have been crying.  I realized I have two choices if I do not lose this weight.  One I could die.  Two I could end up in a convalescent home.  My husband and son can only do so much to be able to help me.  I am rebellious with regimentation.  I need to have an attitude change - stop speaking words and act.  Time is running out for me.  I will be 55 in August.  Needless to say, I am emotionally worn down.

It is not out of my reach.  It's not on a high mountain—I don't have to get mountaineers to climb the peak and bring it down to my level and explain it before I can live it. And it's not across the ocean—I don't have to send sailors out to get it, bring it back, and then explain it before I can live it.  NO. The word is right here and now—as near as the tongue in my mouth, as near as the heart in my chest.   Just do it!  Stop making excuses!  I need to be willing to work and work harder.

I can plan my meals, eat healthy, exercise.

I had a melt down yesterday.  When Andy and John Michael told me I have only two choices either to die or end up in a convalescent hospital - it really shook me up.  My son was pretty strong with his words when he told me it should have been a wake up call when I ended up in the hospital in November.  He said since coming home, he has felt I have not put much effort in my eating or exercise (even when PT was coming to the house).  What has changed?  I am not learning from the past. My attitude, they feel, is I expect everything to come to me on a "silver platter".  I just brush things off.  I hate to admit this, but I act like a child - pouting if I don't get my fast food.  They give in, just so they don't have to listen to me.

Some real "tough love."  I know my reaction to both Andy and John Michael was hurtful because of my crying and yes explosive screaming.  I just could not take it anymore.  After I calmed down, it took the rest of the day and sleeping - I could see more clearly in what they were trying to tell me this morning. 

The first thing is to admit I have a problem with food - mainly fast food.  Since Sunday I have not had any takeout.  I am in such disbelief when I weighed this morning.

• Sun - 477 pounds (1901 calories)
• Mon - 470.4 pounds (1875 calories)
• Tue - 467.4 pounds (1950 calories)
• Wed - 461.8 pounds (2184 calories)

That is 15.2 pounds in 4 days?  It will be interesting to see what I weigh on June 1st my "official weigh day"  This may be all water weight I tossed so far. 

Second, I have not put forth complete effort in exercising or my food intake.  I think the biggest blessing is a spread sheet I started using the beginning of May.  By keeping a closer look at what I am doing I can keep myself more accountable.

Third, I was making a lot of excuses why I should have fast food for the day.  Also, I do not like regimentation and I become rebellious. 

But the truth is - nothing is beyond my reach if I so desire it!  Maybe this is what it took to snap me out of my "funk".

The truth is I need to do my part - "God helps those who help themselves" - Ben Franklin. 

Norma Jean ~ it sounds like the meeting with your son and husband was difficult, but in the end, productive. Your health really is the paramount thing here. You are such a delightful person. So talented and driven. You can totally do this! Those numbers you posted look amazing. I'm hoping for those kinda numbers in 90 days!!!  :) 15.2 is awesome.

I'll keep praying for you as you embark on this CR process!!

dawn

As I continue with reflecting on this week's Lesson of Denial, Celebrate Recovery, there are many revelations coming to light.  I have a battle going on with family mores and morals.  I need to look closer at what I am and what I perceive myself to be.  There is a tug of war going on.  I try to be controlling but I cannot exercise self-control.

Areas that I am working on which were out of control or unmanageable were the excuses I would make to get Andy and John Michael to bring me fast food.  Then the problem of eating late and night. Also, my rebellion of regimentation.

I am taking steps to change my attitude.  I am working on motivation and taking the initiative to do things without asking Andy and John Michael to do them for me.  I do recognize when I can go so far, I do ask for their assistance.