Celebrate Recovery - Powerless - Lesson 2

Dear God, Your Word tells me that I can't heal my hurts, hang-ups, and habits by just saying that they are not there.  Help me!  Parts of my life, or all of my life, are out of control.  I now know that I cannot "fix" myself.  It seems the harder that I try to do the right thing the more I struggle.  Lord, I want to step out of my denial into the truth.  I pray for You to show me the way.  In Jesus' name ~Amen.

Accept the first principle of recovery.  In your admission of your powerlessness you have begun the journey of recovery thatwill allow you to accept Jesus' healing, love, and forgiveness.

Now is the time to journal and discuss the following after reading Celebrate Recovery - Post #5 - Powerless (be sure to review the eight principles and 12 steps with verses along with the serenity prayer).

1. List some of the ways that your pride has stopped you from asking for and getting the help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits.
2. What in your past has caused you to have the "if onlys"?  Ex.:"If only" I had stopped ______years ago.  "If only" ______________ hadn't left me.
3. Instead of worrying about things that we cannot control, we need to focus on what God can do in our lives.  What are you worrying about?  Why?
4. In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?  Be specific.
5. How has holding on to your anger and your resentments affect you?
6. Do you believe that loneliness is a choice?  Why or why not?  How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships?
7. Describe the emptiness you feel and some new ways you are finding to fill it?
8. Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people.  In what areas of your life have you been selfish?
9. Separation from God can feel very realm but it is never permanent.  What can you do to get closer to God?

Celebrate Recovery - Powerless - at this stage in my recovery, I need to stop doing two things:

1. Stop Denying the Pain.  I am ready to take my first step in recovery since I have identified that my pain is greater than my fear. 
2. Stop Playing God.  I am unable to do for myself what I need God to do for me.  I am either going to serve God or myself.  I can't serve both. 

In addition to stopping certain behaviors, I need to start doing two things:

1. Start Admitting I am Powerlessness.  As I work the first principle, I am  seeing that by myself I do not have the power to change my hurts, hang-ups, and habits.
2. Start Admitting That Your Life Has Become Unmanageable.  I can and have admited that some/all areas of my life are out of my control to change.

SERENITY PRAYER by Reinhold Niebuhr

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen

Dear God, Your Word tells me that I can't heal my hurts, hang-ups, and habits by just saying that they are not there.  Help me!  Parts of my life, or all of my life, are out of control.  I now know that I cannot "fix" myself.  It seems the harder that I try to do the right thing the more I struggle.  Lord, I want to step out of my denial into the truth.  I pray for You to show me the way.  In Jesus' name ~Amen. AMEN!!!

List some of the ways that your pride has stopped you from asking for and getting the help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits.

-Embarassment...I'm supposed to have it together. I'm the one that my friends and family come to  when they need encouragement and advice.  A real Dear Abby so to speak.

What in your past has caused you to have the "if onlys"?  Ex.:"If only" I had stopped ______years ago.  "If only" ______________ hadn't left me.

My "if onlys" run pretty deep. 

If only I could have talked to my brother the day he took his life.

If only my body was healthy.

If only I was a virgin when I married my husband.

If only I had finished college.

If only my dad hadn't died when I was 16.

That's enough...I don't want to do this one anymore! I want to stay in the here and now. The only one of these things that I have any control over is finishing college and who knows???maybe someday....

OK here goes - I've not been putting it off, but have been really trying to think it through to give honest answers that will show me something.

Well, in relation to food, I've not asked for help.  I didn't start here until someone else mentioned it to me that they were concerned about me. I guess because I know what do, but just didn't want to do it. So now I've enlisted my families help and we came up with a plan to not bring any new sweets and other junk foods into the house, and my husband encourages me to go swim. I never want to - but always feel better after I do (isn't that how obedience works - I look forward to the day I get excited about being obedient!)

What in your past has caused you to have the "if onlys"?  Ex.:"If only" I had stopped ______years ago.  "If only" ______________ hadn't left me.

If only I had made exercise a part of my life (kids life too)

If only I had learned earlier to really trust the Lord and not turned to food for comfort

If only I had become alarmed and made a resolve to stop before reaching 360.

If only I had strived for self discipline earlier in my spiritual walk

 --- boy, this list could go on and on! so, I'll stop there.

I worry about my daughter's health - I have contributed to her being overweight and I hate that, but am ready to look that one in the face too and allow the Lord to help us to overcome!

I worry a little too about my husbands health - I'm amazed how he just keeps going in spite of his breathing difficulties (he's had a sinus mass for over 5 years now and his right side is totally blocked)

So, Lord - I give these worries to you.  Lord forgive me for worrying - I know your word says to not be anxious for anything - Lord help me to trust you more!

In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?  Be specific.

that one's easy - dull the pain with sugar and other excess foods. I have learned to recognize it now and am able to work through it with the Lord's help.  It's a vicious cycle - life's stress and regrets can make me feel hopeless and then I eat, and that makes me feel worse - so, I'm so glad to be off of that merry-go-round. I'm no longer hiding from these things and have searched myself and realized that my not trusting the Lord is sin, and that the act of eating more than my body needs is sin, and not exercising and treating my body as God's temple is sin - so I've repented from these things - I still fail, but I'm recognizing it quicker and getting back on track.

It's made me sick.  Holding onto these things and stuffing down the feelings with food, has kept me from growing up and growing in the Lord. This has been a process of uncovering things I was holding on to and had to really internalize that if God loved me so much to send his son to die for me - and has forgiven me - then I needed to let go and "accept" his forgiveness and trust in his forgiveness.

Yes, definately.  I can remember feeling so lonely in my house of six (I also  remember doing the same thing with my family when I was younger)  I became so self centered that I could not think about anyone else, but myself.  Again, this has a been a process - I still battle the negative thinking that no-one wants me around and such - but I've learned to tell myself otherwise - learning scripture has helped keep me grounded. Learning who I am in Christ and then realizing that others are thinking and feeling the same way - helps me to focus on them and share God's love with them - and realize that even if no one is around, the Lord is always there - so lonliness is something that has definately improved over the years.  If I can't get others focused - I can almost always get Christ focused!

Pretty much the same as above - God's word fills me with his promises and hope for tomorrow and I've gotten a lot of joy sharing that same love and joy with others to help make their lives full!

Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people.  In what areas of your life have you been selfish?

I still haven't overcome selfishness. I have my good moments, but like even tonight, I went to the gym by myself because last night I took my daughter and she whined the whole time, so knowing she was just PMS'ing and that the exercise would do her some good - I didn't come home to get her first, and went by myself.  I've been so used to being self focused, that I'm learning to be other's focused and not so selfish.  This is one area that I can improve on a lot!

I see people that give and give of themselves and I admire it, but have jumped wholely into it.  I need to give more of myself at work, more of myself to my daughter, my of myself to my husband, and more of myself to Christ.  

Separation from God can feel very real but it is never permanent.  What can you do to get closer to God?

Well just this past week I needed the Lord so much in order to get things done during my vacation and plan for my family coming down and get things for my daughter for graduation, that I started meeting with the Lord first thing in the morning again. I never planned to stop - it just happened and I just  couldn't seem to wake up early enough again. I would do some reading during the day at work -but it just wasn't the same.  I've been reading in the Psalms and in Romans and I stop when I just get so full that I have to pray and praise the Lord for all that he is - He truely is  "all together Lovely!"  

I know all it takes is for one or two mornings to wake up a little late and then boom - I'm off again - Oh Lord, if there is one thing that I can remember is so crucial - is to remember to spend time with you before I start my day - Lord you make my days go right!

I don't know about you, but the more I get into these Lessons I am surprised at what I find out about myself about my attitude and actions.  I am still working on Lessons 1 and 2.  I answer the questions quickly and then I discuss with my husband and son.  Sometimes, I am embarrassed to say, I miss what the questions are really asking.  I give such a "pat" answer and I really need to dig deeper into myself.  They both feel I use God (or religion) as a "cop-out".  So below are the initial questions and having highlighted certain words to look up in the dictionary.  There is a pattern with these key words and I will share that at the end.

List some of the ways that your pride has stopped you from asking for and getting the help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits.

• The first thing that came to mind was "Pride comes before the fall" - my issue is more with self-esteem.  I am bossy and I do not take my own advice.  I do not handle criticism well and have a difficult time "brushing it off".  I can frighten people away because I am strong headed - coming across it is my way or nothing.  I am not a support person but a take charge person. 

What in your past has caused you to have the "if only"?  Ex.:"If only" I had stopped ______years ago.  "If only" ______________ hadn't left me.

• If only I was not so bossy growing up with my brothers and elementary school friends
• If only I was open to other "boys" instead of Steve being my "whole life" from the age of 14 -20 years old
• If only I had pursued my desire to have a career in law enforcement instead of "chickening" out to taking the agility test in 1975
• If only at age 27 I lost the 20 pounds when my softball team members advised me to
• If only I had put Andy and John Michael first before my church and job
• If only I had not retreated to a "fantasy world" from 2005-2008

Etc., Etc., Etc. 

Instead of worrying about things that we cannot control, we need to focus on what God can do in our lives.  What are you worrying about?  Why?

• I worry about my husband's health.  Who will take care of me?
• I worry about my son, who just turned 21, going out into the world and starting a life of his own.
• I worry if I will ever be able to go back to work because of financial necessity we barely make ends meet some months.

In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?  Be specific.

• Dull the pain with food.  Pizza is usually the first food I turn to when I am upset.
• Built up a fantasy world with a friend from high school for 3 years 

How has holding on to your anger and your resentments affected you?

• I have physically become ill.  My anger and resentment towards Andy for things he did in his past was internalized for a long time.
• By holding  on to the anger and resentment and using food to stuff down my feelings has prevented me from growing up.  Instead, I have grown out - weighing 265 pounds to 480 pounds in 21 years.

Do you believe that loneliness is a choice?  Why or why not?  How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships?

• Yes, loneliness is a choice.  For a period of time between 1994 and 2005 I did not think Andy really wanted to be a part of my life.  Frankly, when 2005 came about, I was tired.   I didn't want to have anything to do with him.  I just wanted to do for me - go away for a weekend stay in hotels and have room service. I chose to withdraw from Andy and John Michael and have my "own fantasy" not realizing the cost.

Describe the emptiness you feel and some new ways you are finding to fill it?

• The emptiness I feel is like a large hole that cannot be filled.  I seek attention and approval.  I am trying to be more of a listener when Andy and John Michael come to talk with me.

Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people.  In what areas of your life have you been selfish?

• When I retreated to my "fantasy world" a few years back - I would not let anything detour me for getting in the way of my "getaways".  I felt so imprisoned at times and I just wanted to run away.
• When I want fast food, I pout like a little child.  Then I get angry when no one will bring me what I want.  The funny thing is after all is said and done, I really didn't want the food at all but the attention. 

Separation from God can feel very real, but it is never permanent.  What can you do to get closer to God?

• Reading God's Word and praying daily seems like simple answers.  Separation from God can feel very real, but it is never permanent.  The truth is making an appointment with God seems to take an effort, where it shouldn't be.  Time should be set aside.  I can spend hours watching TV or on the computer but do I give God or my husband/son the same amount of time?  NO!  So now I am starting to make time with weekly family meetings and chats with my husband and son at different times of the week.

---------------WORD DEFINITIONS-----------------

PRIDE - noun  

• a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
• a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.
• pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride.
• something that causes a person or persons to be proud: His art collection was the pride of the family.
• the best of a group, class, society, etc.: This bull is the pride of the herd
• the most flourishing state or period: in the pride of adulthood.
• ornament or adornment.

SELF-ESTEEM - noun

• a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
• an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.

SELF - noun

• a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality
• a person's nature, character, etc.
• personal interest.

WORRY - verb

• to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.
• to torment with cares, anxieties, etc.

ESCAPE - verb

• to slip or get away, as from confinement or restraint; gain or regain liberty: to escape from jail.
• to slip away from pursuit or peril; avoid capture, punishment, or any threatened evil.
• to elude (one's memory, notice, search, etc.).

ANGER - noun

• a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

RESENTMENT - noun

• the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

LONELY - adjective

• affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone
• destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.
• solitary; without company; companion less

EMPTINESS - adjective

• containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents
• hungry
• completely spent of emotion

SELFISH - adjective

• devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
• characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself

SEPARATION - noun

• a place, line, or point of parting
• something that divides
• te place at which a division or parting occurs 

With the evaluation from above I can see a pattern I have developed and need to break:

When I withdraw, I become selfish, to fill an emptiness from the loneliness, because I get no sympathy, I have a sense of injury and I become angry, so I escape, which causes worry, wherein turn I actually hurt my self and allow damage to  my self-esteem where I have no pride.

I need to keep going.  To stop reflecting on the past but learn form it.

In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?  Be specific.

Some other thoughts I am working through are:

I cry to release emotion as well as scream (like in a scary movie -not to often - just when I am on total overload.

Past pains - rejection, abandonment, loneliness, feeling unloved, insecure

Escapes - working, fantasizing, crying, eating, watching TV, computer