Changes in Sexual Desire

Everyone's libido changes from time to time.  Sometimes its circumstantial, like having kids and not getting enough sleep for two years!  Sometimes its pressure from work seeping into the home-life.  Sometimes its depression or anxiety.  Sometimes its medications.  Sometimes its due to a traumatic experience we had.  Sometimes we are coming around to a failing love-relationship.  Sometimes we are discovering a new sexual-preference.  Sometimes its the changes in age, illness, surgery, divorce, exercise, or lack thereof, new love, old love, dead love. 

Its been my experience with myself and in speaking with others about this that women tend to wane & wax sexually more than men do.  Since this community is dominated by women, I thought it an interesting question to pose. 

So lets hear it ladies, and men - you can join-in as well.  What's your 'baseline' libido been like (how often do you want sex) and what and when did you notice changes in your life.  What do you think you can attribute the changes to?  Has anyone noticed a change in desire for sex but not a change in desire for self-pleasure? 

I am curious about a consensus.  So gab away, y'all!  I wanna know.  I'm not going to tell about my waxing & waning until some others have posted because I don't want to influence what others post.  But I will.  Just keep checking back. 

Wow, he only wants it twice a week?...

Now...for everyone saying their BF only wants it so little...is that he only wants SEX that often? And the other days he just takes care of himself?

Mspw, since knowing you, well sex with scarecrows and devil may care self pumpers just don't measure up after downing a quart of tequila like they used to.

oh how funny, lorick wants to know how often our men polish the pope....hahahahahahahahaha 

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Man, this topic makes me really sad. When I was like 17-18 I used to want it at LEAST once a day. Now that I'm on the pill... I don't even care. I could do it once a week or once a month and I'd be fine. It makes my boyfriend feel like I don't like sex with him, or that I don't think he's attractive. But I do! I just don't ever feel the urge, and it's hard for me to remember "Oh, I should initiate sex tonight!" I miss my libido :[

get off the pill then...personally I am never going on it again, which is too bad because it's so convenient, but I'm not risking damaging my libido more.

Original Post by loriklorik:

Wow, he only wants it twice a week?...

Now...for everyone saying their BF only wants it so little...is that he only wants SEX that often? And the other days he just takes care of himself?

I know he masturbates about once a week, because most days we are together (we live together and sleep in the same bed), so it's not that he only wants sex that often, and all other days he masturbates. He just has a low sex drive these days I guess.

Original Post by vicereine:

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Man, this topic makes me really sad. When I was like 17-18 I used to want it at LEAST once a day. Now that I'm on the pill... I don't even care. I could do it once a week or once a month and I'd be fine. It makes my boyfriend feel like I don't like sex with him, or that I don't think he's attractive. But I do! I just don't ever feel the urge, and it's hard for me to remember "Oh, I should initiate sex tonight!" I miss my libido :[

get off the pill then...personally I am never going on it again, which is too bad because it's so convenient, but I'm not risking damaging my libido more.

 Condoms are ew, and I'm really not fond of the idea of a IUD. What else is there? I feel like I don't have much of a choice.

Hayley, I've been on the nuvaring for around a year now. It killed my libido for about two months while I got used to it, but I've been back to my norm for awhile now, and it doesn't seem to fluctuate back towards the libido death at all.

I'd suggest trying it.

Original Post by nasuoni:

Original Post by loriklorik:

Wow, he only wants it twice a week?...

Now...for everyone saying their BF only wants it so little...is that he only wants SEX that often? And the other days he just takes care of himself?

I know he masturbates about once a week, because most days we are together (we live together and sleep in the same bed), so it's not that he only wants sex that often, and all other days he masturbates. He just has a low sex drive these days I guess.

 Hmm thats strange then! Once a week?! He looks young (under 30?)....thats really strange!

I mean, for a short while, sure. Stress and things like that can make someone less interested...but still...

Condoms are ew, and I'm really not fond of the idea of a IUD. What else is there? I feel like I don't have much of a choice.

1) Snip snip

2) Learn to like a different type of sex

3) Not sure what an IUD is? But i saw commercials for some type of flexible plastic thing that you have put in ?

This is interesting. I am always curious about other people's sexual habits.

In my late teens/20s, I had a very healthy sex drive but no long-term rel'ship to get my fill, it was catch-as-catch can and that was never enough....then at 30 I was in a relationship where there was no sex for over four years...ack I thought I was cursed. When I managed to claw my way out of that mess, I was INSATIABLE for the next year or so. I obsessed about sex sex sex all the time. It was kind of an opening of the floodgates thing, I think. Now...I am late 30's, long term rel'ship, very happy with our sex life and my bf is under the impression that I want it a LOT and feels bad that sometimes he's too tired. The truth is, sometimes I am perfectly content to skip it and fall asleep in eachother's arms. We only see eachother on weekends, so we do it every day we see eachother for the most part, sometimes twice and sometimes not so I guess it averages out to twice a week. I LOVE having sex with him, it's the best it's ever been, but I have to say I now understand why they invented lube. Apparently it's for the over 35 crowd. Who knew.

Great!  Lots of conversation.

I was highly libidinous - a few times a week would do me, interchangeable with taking matters int my own hands, but that can only suffice for so long. 

Until my mid-30's I was like that.  Then I started to have UT (urinary tract) issues.  I would have pain, not while, or even just after, but 24-36 hours after sex.  My guy and I dealt with this for about 1.5 yrs and then my libido finally sank.

Emotional issues with family, taking an SSRI for anxiety and depression, then taking Ambien for insomnia when the 100mg of Zoloft keep me up all night. 

Not to mention, the fear of ectopic preg from a few yrs ago.  Nearly died. So I need an effective OC.  Been on one - Yaz - worked great, but bled through all month cuz the 3 day period was too short.  I need 7 ds.  Just find out I can do that.  Going back on Yaz 21/7.  6 months of Loestrin has sucked.  PMS only slightly better than before.

Zoloft is down from 100mg to 25mg and each time i lowered the does, in 36 hrs, i'd get a libido surge.  So i know what it is.  Also I wanna take tryptophan or 5-HTP for anxiety, depression & insomnia rather than Zoloft & Ambien. 

I want myself back!  I am so tired of hearing that my lowered libido is becasue of my age.  I am in no other way 'normal' for my age, so why assume this would be?  Its much more probable that its chemical. 

Before the meds, I wanted it every other day or so, unless bleeding.  Never want it on my period, but just before it YEA!  I miss getting aroused on my own  My man missed me coming onto him more. 

Me, undrugged, I'd wanna do it every weekend 1-2 times and probably once or twice during the week.

What can i say?  I have a very hot guy!  He looks like Jesus!  I may not get going on my own very easily, but once I get going I'm hard to stop.  Its like riding a wild horse!  Can I say that?

Original Post by victoriagirl:

This is interesting. I am always curious about other people's sexual habits.

In my late teens/20s, I had a very healthy sex drive but no long-term rel'ship to get my fill, it was catch-as-catch can and that was never enough....then at 30 I was in a relationship where there was no sex for over four years...ack I thought I was cursed. When I managed to claw my way out of that mess, I was INSATIABLE for the next year or so. I obsessed about sex sex sex all the time. It was kind of an opening of the floodgates thing, I think. Now...I am late 30's, long term rel'ship, very happy with our sex life and my bf is under the impression that I want it a LOT and feels bad that sometimes he's too tired. The truth is, sometimes I am perfectly content to skip it and fall asleep in eachother's arms. We only see eachother on weekends, so we do it every day we see eachother for the most part, sometimes twice and sometimes not so I guess it averages out to twice a week. I LOVE having sex with him, it's the best it's ever been, but I have to say I now understand why they invented lube. Apparently it's for the over 35 crowd. Who knew.

Um, its also for the backdoor crowd.

mspw~ i would agree that it is nothing to do with age, my sex drive is twice what it was, so has increased with age I would guess that it is more to do with meds and emotions that anything else.

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Original Post by vicereine:

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Man, this topic makes me really sad. When I was like 17-18 I used to want it at LEAST once a day. Now that I'm on the pill... I don't even care. I could do it once a week or once a month and I'd be fine. It makes my boyfriend feel like I don't like sex with him, or that I don't think he's attractive. But I do! I just don't ever feel the urge, and it's hard for me to remember "Oh, I should initiate sex tonight!" I miss my libido :[

get off the pill then...personally I am never going on it again, which is too bad because it's so convenient, but I'm not risking damaging my libido more.

Condoms are ew, and I'm really not fond of the idea of a IUD. What else is there? I feel like I don't have much of a choice.

Well, I'm ok with condoms, I know it's nicer without but I never found them *that* bad (and I'd rather use them than not want sex at all, personally). I suppose you could try the Nuvaring nasuoni suggested - I have used that too (after the pill disaster) and from what I recall it didn't affect my libido, I know it didn't kill it like the pill did at least. I may try it again, I've just been hoping if I stay away from that stuff I'll get back to my old self 100%...plus the whole hormonal thing puts me off in general (risk of blood clots etc). What you wrote just reminded me so much of when I was on the pill and how much it sucked...I went from high sex drive (wanting it 1-2 times a day) to not wanting it AT ALL.

Original Post by vicereine:

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Original Post by vicereine:

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Man, this topic makes me really sad. When I was like 17-18 I used to want it at LEAST once a day. Now that I'm on the pill... I don't even care. I could do it once a week or once a month and I'd be fine. It makes my boyfriend feel like I don't like sex with him, or that I don't think he's attractive. But I do! I just don't ever feel the urge, and it's hard for me to remember "Oh, I should initiate sex tonight!" I miss my libido :[

get off the pill then...personally I am never going on it again, which is too bad because it's so convenient, but I'm not risking damaging my libido more.

Condoms are ew, and I'm really not fond of the idea of a IUD. What else is there? I feel like I don't have much of a choice.

Well, I'm ok with condoms, I know it's nicer without but I never found them *that* bad (and I'd rather use them than not want sex at all, personally). I suppose you could try the Nuvaring nasuoni suggested - I have used that too (after the pill disaster) and from what I recall it didn't affect my libido, I know it didn't kill it like the pill did at least. I may try it again, I've just been hoping if I stay away from that stuff I'll get back to my old self 100%...plus the whole hormonal thing puts me off in general (risk of blood clots etc). What you wrote just reminded me so much of when I was on the pill and how much it sucked...I went from high sex drive (wanting it 1-2 times a day) to not wanting it AT ALL.

The pill has some benefits as well, like aleviating PMS.  I am back on Yaz this cycle after switching from Loestrin for 6 months.  I took Yaz before the Loestrin and my PMS was almost completely gone.  No bloating, breast tenderness, deranged rocking & mumbling in tears on the kitchen linoleum,...  I have heard that the pill can lower libido, but its relative.  If you feel miserable for 2 weeks prior to your period w/o the pill, then get on it, perhaps the overall mood is better and libido can increase.  Some women experience an increase in libido on the pill. My GYN, whose been at it for 30 yrs, has told me that women respond differently to the hormones and the different variations of them.  Some women get more libidinous. 

If you smoke, then the pill might not be a good idea.  Blood clots.  But if you are like me in that pregnancy stands a 50/50 chance of ending in death via ectopic rupture, have horrific PMS - physical and emotional, and cannot tolerate condoms or lube, in a steady relationship and both test negative for HIV, then the pill may a good idea.  Not all pills are the same though.  So sometimes it takes some experimentation to find one that works for you.  I prefer the low-dose pills.  I breakthrough bleed on them, but for me, the benefits WAY outweigh the downfalls.  I choose to have breakthrough bleeding over taking higher doses of estrogen.

SSRIs are much more a likely culprit of decreased libido.  They are used widespread for many more symptoms than the pill is and are more widely-used.  I would not be surprised if some women taking SSRIs would be helped more appropriately with the use of the right oral  contraceptive.  Doctors are so quick to write prescriptions for SSRIs these days. 

I used to use condoms, when I was single.  AIDS prevention.  Nuff said there.  But I am with the same guy now going on 3 years and we both tested negative in the beginning.  We just stopped using them about a year ago, when I got on the pill. 

This thread has been interesting.  I can't say I have any clearer a picture of what is the baseline for womens' libido, but I think I am a little clearer on my assumptions that age has less to do with it than medications.  I think also, I have to note here, that this 'aging woman' thing is irritating.  Here's why... we women in western society live by this notion that youth is sexy.  Men do too, but its not nearly as pervasive a thing for men as it is for women.  We spend billions on "age-defying" products and procedures, pills to make us look and feel younger.  WTF!?  I for one am proud of the fact that I will be 40 this year and I don't feel anything like what society or the media purports a 40 year-old woman is supposed to feel like.  Matter of fact, when a lotta men hit this age, they start to want the company of younger women - makes 'em feel younger, vicariously.  But that places a terrible pressure on women getting older to somehow yearn for our youth.  Youth is overrated.  I'll take experience, wisdom and perspective over the blissful ignorance of youth any day.  My man understands this and is wise enough to know that he's much better-off with a women his age with whom he can have a life-enriching relationship that will last than he is with a nitwit kid who can't keep up with his mind just so he can wet his willy more often. 

Anyway, he looks like Jesus meets a rock star and doesn;t look or feel like what society purports a 40 year-old man to be like either.  He just wishes we had sex more often.  I think its the meds, not my age.  My doctor agrees with this.  He actually told me that many women have satisfying regualr sex well into thier 80's.  Before the meds my libido was actually on the rise. 

Sorry so long.  Thanks for reading.

He actually told me that many women have satisfying regualr sex well into thier 80's. 

 And thats why men die first! We cant keep up! I hear lots of guys start having major problems "rising to the occasion" when they get older....and so many dont take care of themselves....

Oh well, I guess its better than dieing in your sleep >< hehe

Hahaha, ahem....listen carefully from past experience gentlemen....use it before you lose it! 

This is incredible incentive to keep yourselves healthy gents....problems with blood pressure, heart problems/blood flow, diabetes and even casual drinking can put a halt to romantic activities.  If you want to 'perform' well, keep yourselves healthy; eat right, dont drink too much, dont smoke and exercise that body!

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

 Condoms are ew, and I'm really not fond of the idea of a IUD. What else is there? I feel like I don't have much of a choice.

Well the Nuva Ring is hormonal- not much different than the pill.  It might affect your libido, it might not.

A diaphram or sponge might be a good idea.  They're barrier methods, non hormonal, and work well.  I loved my diaphram when I was actually getting sex.  Cervical cap also works in the same way.

Oh, they still make diaphrams!?  I had one once.  It apparently covered my g-spot and I couldn't have intra-vag orgasms with it.  The cap might be better, but I think there is something about the cervix that requires stimulation in some women.  I have heard many women swear by it, a diaphram, that is.  You do have to use spermicidal jelly with it though or it loses like 20% of its effectiveness.  I dunno if you need the stuff with the cap. 

As far as nuva ring is concerned, or injections, I would recommend trying the pill before that.  If you can't tolerate the hormones you can just stop taking it.  with the ring & injections its in you for a longer period of time.  That scares me. 

I've actually been meaning to go back to the Nuva Ring, as it is a lower dose of hormones, so I was thinking that maybe that would help. Hehe thanks for the motivation :] Maybe I'll go call my doctor...

I would not be on the depo shot if I didn't have endometreosis and PCOS. It has destroyed my sex drive. I don't know what to do about it either. I rather not be on anything (I'm unable to have children and I'm married).

My ovaries produce more testostrone than estrogen, so without birth control I get even more excess hair growth than I'm already stuck dealing with from before it was diagnosed. Without birth control I won't have my period and I'll be in severe pain (I have been pain free for over a year! Yipee!)...and if I do happen to get my period, I'll bleed like I've been stabbed for weeks straight and the pain will be severe. My last period was when I went to the hospital and was diagnosed, I was bleeding heavy for 2 weeks straight and had becomed fatigued and the pain was so severe I couldn't walk...my mother drove me to the emergency room.

I don't know what to do.

With that said, my husband and I make it a point to have sex once a week, but when we do... my heart is just not in it because I'm really not in the mood. I just feel bad for him. =/

I remember wanting it everyday, and we used to do it everyday at least once... but since then my sex drive has left me and I want it back. :|

Maybe I should post on craiglists? "HAVE YOU SEEN ME? Sex Drive" =P

cptbunny, that seems like an awfully high price to have to pay! Have you tried some different types of contraceptives? I also have PCOS, and had terriblly irregular, painful periods when not on the pill, in fact the year that I went off the pill was the only reason I found out I even had PCOS....hormones all wonky like yours. But there are lots of different hormone combos, if one has too many negative side-effects your doctor should have you try another. And another. I am on Yasmin and it seems to be fine, though I have read that Yasmin is not recommended for women with PCOS, can't remember why cuz it doesn't seem to affect me....but I was also on Triquilar and Triphasil in the past and that was fine too. My sex drive has survived all through it!