Her boyfriend, Ryan, of two years, (after taking her out for an expebsive dinner, and telling her he loved her), told her that about three monthes ago, he 'hooked up' with her friend Ralita. Before he told her, he made her promise not to 'freak out'. He said it had happened about three times, and it was the biggest mistake of his life.
She was totally shocked. She said in a thousand years, she couldn't imagine he was capable of that. In addition, she feels like she can't be mad at him because he came right out and TOLD her when he didn't have to. Also, he seems to feel SO bad.
I have no idea what to tell her. I want to say to dump his sorry ass, but it's easy to say that to someone else... she loves him, they were contemplating marriage, and honestly, if I ever caught my guy cheating, I have no idea what I'd do, especially if he told me in the way that he told her.
What are the thoughts on this? Is cheating one hundred percent grounds for a breakup in your book? Is there levels of cheating? I have no idea what to tell her...
once is a mistake, 3 times is a habit. it is like stealing the more you get away with it the more you do it.
get rid of him and the "friend" he hooked up with.
when someone cheats, im done, no questions asked, they dont deserve me if they can do that to someone they love
Once is forgivable but THREE times, that's just inexcusable.
Personally I think anyone that cheats needs to have their butts dumped. as quickly as possible. they are not worthy of your attention. If many years pass and they change their cheating ways, then you may be able to reconsile, but in all practical purposes, dump the creep.
But my advice is support your sister with whatever her decision. let her say what she thinks she should do. If she asks you what you think, tell her "I don't know." Be there for her because she is probably really upset and doesn't know what to think right now.
I'm ambivilant...
On one count it sounds like the relationship is worth saving if he is prepared to drag out something he could have got away with (more people cheat in relationships than they admit...) and his desire to fix it and be honest is aimable.
On the other he probably only owned up to it because he was guilt ridden and wanted to clear is conscious regardless of wheather or not he'll do it again.
i'm pretty sure now looking back that my dad secretly cheated on my mom for their whole marriage, and still does. he thought she had no idea, and therefore he wasn't hurting her... she for her part, pretended to have no clue.
also, i know my dad loved/loves my mom. more then anyone. he would never want to hurt her... on all other accounts their marriage is perfect, better then most peoples. they seem geniunely happy. to be honest, i think that it almost helps their marriage... it's kind of like a stress reliever for their marriage, like when a man doesn't cheat, a whole bunch of resentment/stress is built up... maybe there's a reason why most marriages fail...
i really don't know, and i'm sure a lot of people will see this point of view as very screwed up... but my parents are normal people. my dad is endocrinologist, and my mom is librarian.
just wanted to add my two cents.
i dont think that breaking up will be a good idea after 2 years and a person who cheats once will cheat again.
it's a tough decision to make by ur sister,let her do what she see's right but again no body is perfect and am not backing the guy up but i tell u that if they break up ur sis. will be in a deep depression.
hope she'll make it through.
good luck
Original Post by soare:
my mom once told me that there were two kinds of cheating: emotional cheating and physical cheating. its the emotional cheating thats real cheating. she said every man on the planet physically cheats to one extent or another, whether its porn, looking at other women, touching, flirting, or actual sex. but emotional cheating, the kind where you become attached/in love with another person, that's the kind where people really get hurt.
i'm pretty sure now looking back that my dad secretly cheated on my mom for their whole marriage, and still does. he thought she had no idea, and therefore he wasn't hurting her... she for her part, pretended to have no clue.
also, i know my dad loved/loves my mom. more then anyone. he would never want to hurt her... on all other accounts their marriage is perfect, better then most peoples. they seem geniunely happy. to be honest, i think that it almost helps their marriage... it's kind of like a stress reliever for their marriage, like when a man doesn't cheat, a whole bunch of resentment/stress is built up... maybe there's a reason why most marriages fail...
i really don't know, and i'm sure a lot of people will see this point of view as very screwed up... but my parents are normal people. my dad is endocrinologist, and my mom is librarian.
just wanted to add my two cents.
what's interesting is that women are more hurt by emotional cheating, but more men say that they are hurt more by the physical cheating. it's an odd difference between men and women. (if i had the sources for these i would give them but I don't right now, sorry).
my parents have both cheated on each other (my mom when i was younger, my dad just recently to some extent) and I wish they would just divorce. they act like everything's fine in front of us and it's frustratign b/c i know it's not but i can't tell them i know. but i guess they are still happy to some extent or they are stayign together for some other reason.
if your sis doesnt break up w/ him, she at least needs to make damn sure he works his butt off to make things better for them. he messed up, not her so she cannot allow him to turn things on her for any reasona nd make her feel like she did somethign to lead him to those actions. if it happened once, maybe it was a "mistake." but for it to happen 3 times, and with her friend, is intentional. she has every right to be wary of every move he makes from now on and he had better expect that.
I once had a boyfriend in high school that I was relaly attatched to. He told me he had kissed another girl and that he was really sorry about it. (This was a big deal for me them) I cried with him for hours and he said that after seeing how much that hurt me, he would never do anything like that again. Bull! He cheated on me countless times and stupid me kept getting back with him. He also cheated on one of my good friends later down the road and marrying the girl he cheated on her with because she was pregnant. They got divorce probably because he was cheating on her.
I am pretty sure now that he only told me about the first girl to see how I would react.
Most people find it exteremely hard to just have sex and not develop feelings afterwards. I know a lot of people who were just friends who just wanted to fool around, but in the end it was too hard for them. I also know a lot of people who can deal with it. So what im saying is, that most likely this guy had some feelings for this girl to hook up with her 3 times. But honestly, at least hes got it out of his system now. Im sure someone in your life has given you a second chance at one point. If he does it again then, yea maybe she should break up with him, but just give him another shot.
i think you need to talk to her about it, to help her figure out her feelings. don't impose what you think she should do on her, only your reaction to it. ask her how it makes her feel. what does she want, expect now. the biggest problem in a situation like this is the loss of trust. can she ever trust him again? he really violated her trust on several levels. how long was he cheating? seeing this other girl? he had sex with her 3 times. how many times did he go out with her. how did her feel about this other girl? did he only come back to her, or admit what had happened because it didn't work out with this other girl?
what everyone has said here is true. why did he choose to tell you, when he could have stopped what was going on and just behaved himself? because of guilt. he didn't do it for your sister. he did it for himself. to relieve himself of guilt...and...possibly because he wanted her to find out from him before someone else told her. it "looks better" if he tells her. really, we don't know very many details about what's going on with him.
i would recommend that they have couple therapy or counseling before getting married. he's doing this now, when the relationship is still relatively young. why? what made him do it. usually when there is infidelity, the motivating factor for the one cheating is dissatisfaction of some kind. their unhappy. could be a number of things, but it's a waring signal that the relationship is not on a good footing. his unhappiness could be due to many different factors, all of which may or may not have anything to do with your sister. she needs to find out. it's a hugh step to get married, but honestly, what's the rush?
at least half of all marriages end because of this. it's true, there are at least 4 or 5 different types of infidelity, maybe more.
have her go to: www.survivinginfidelity911.com/the-different- types-of-affairs/
it will list them and explain them. whatever she does, she should not right this off and go....."ah, he was so sweet....he came clean. i need to feel sorry for him". oh brother. i would highly recommend they get counseling or couples therapy first. getting married now without this being resolved would be a big mistake.
My ex cheated on me and I stayed with him.
I should have left. Eventually he developed into an abusively controlling lover. He constantly thought/talked about other women. He was sexually absusive and emotionally abusive when I tried to leave him two years after he cheated on me.
I'm not saying this is the case with your sister, but there are indeed people out there who will respect her more than he apparently does. And yes, there are more people out there who she can fall in love with. She can stay with him and learn to forgive him, but the question will always be there, "Will he do it again?"
I would suggest she leaves him. He has to learn from his mistakes.
Also, it's obvious that there was a good chance he wasn't going to tell her at all. It's not like he came to her immediately and told her. He waited three months and (I'm assuming) continued to have a physical relationship with her which means he was putting her at risk for STD's whether he thought he had gotten anything from the hookups or not.
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