"Children 'should sleep with parents until they're five'"

This article was forwarded to me via e-mail. It's published by the UK's Times Online.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/arti cle1083020.ece

From the article:

Margot Sunderland, director of education at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London, says the practice, known as “co-sleeping”, makes children more likely to grow up as calm, healthy adults.

She is so sure of the findings in the new book, based on 800 scientific studies, that she is calling for health visitors to be issued with fact sheets to educate parents about co-sleeping.

...

For example, a neurological study three years ago showed that a child separated from a parent experienced similar brain activity to one in physical pain.

Personally, I prefer to have my bed to myself purely for selfish reasons. My kids to join me in bed at least one night a week either because of bad dreams, Daddy being gone or because I'm too tired to get up with them. I do think this is an interesting article.

That is interesting. My mother stayed in bed with me until I fell asleep until I was about age 7-8. I have to work to be calm and healthy as an adult, but I do think that her time spent with me helped to counteract the damage done by an alcoholic father, who was a good person nonetheless.

Hmm.  I think that the best thing to help a child grow up to be a calm and healthy adult is to have calm and healthy parents.  That is to say, parents that get enough sleep!

If co-sleeping works for you, by all means, knock yourself out, but I just can't sleep with skinny knees pushed into my back.

Original Post by puh8suwrux:

If co-sleeping works for you, by all means, knock yourself out, but I just can't sleep with skinny knees pushed into my back.

 Ditto. Thank goodness we've upgraded to a king-sized bed or else those nightmare evenings would be painful.

 We never seem to have the same sleep arrangement twice.  It's like musical beds.  But definitely cannot sleep three to a queen!

My mommaw would swallow her tongue.  "Never let your kids in your bed; you'll never get them out."  That's what she told my mom, and that's what she told me.  Sometimes, if we were sick or scared, parents or grandparents would stay with us in our beds till we fell asleep; but that was all.  And we're all fairly normal. 

On the other hand, I had a roommate in college who slept with her parents until she was almost eighteen.  She was pretty normal, too.

Sometimes I wish my daughter could sleep with us. I worry she might be lonely, but she's slept through the night since she was 3 months old. Our bed's too small to have her in it with us. Plus she tosses and turns, and I think I'm a calmer healthier person after a full night's sleep.

My son just turned 7 in June. He still sleeps with us. It doesn't feel natural to me for him to be away from me. Sleeping in a different room is a cultural thing. If you research cultures that don't have modern day technologies or conveniences you will see families that are healthy. They don’t have pressure about where their children sleep. We would be no different if we didn't have all the things "MAN" made. These families live with what "GOD" made. God did not make walls or clothing for that matter. So why is it perfectly ok and natural for cultures that live with what God made to keep their children close and even be nude in their presence? If you live in the USA, the home of the “FREE" you will be judged and probably lose your children for what is perfectly natural and created by God. I will NEVER PUSH my son away. If and when he is ready to sleep in his own room he can. I will be naturally heartbroken but I will not stop him.

I am a firm believer in taking all the available knowledge, and adjusting it to what makes sense in your own family. My daughter slept in our bed often until she was five, then she naturally just wanted to sleep in her own bed. It was effortless. At 15 she now even prefers to sleep in her own room with her door closed. My son seemed more willing to sleep in his own bed, however a few years ago he started sleeping on our floor. Sometimes we let him, sometimes we don't. Its just not a big deal. My kids are fairly comfortable with a loose routine and changes in routine. However, I can see if you had a child who absolutely required structure with few changes, things could be more problematic. I might have done things differently. 

Original Post by ddkkdd:

I am a firm believer in taking all the available knowledge, and adjusting it to what makes sense in your own family.

My kids are fairly comfortable with a loose routine and changes in routine. However, I can see if you had a child who absolutely required structure with few changes, things could be more problematic. I might have done things differently. 

I agree with your first sentence wholeheartedly. We do what works.

My kids are very flexible. It's all about the routine, not the schedule. Thank goodness, too! Our kids are very easy to take places, can nap anywhere and are generally well-balanced. I have a cousin who won't vary from his kid's schedules. They HAVE to be home to nap ON TIME and they have to be home to get in bed ON TIME. They're constantly cranky, unhappy and not very social. I'm sure part of this is just how they are but I think part of it is being on such a rigid schedule.

My children never shared my bed.  If they were sick, I slept with them.  I never slept with my parents growing up either.  My mother always told me that a husband and wife's bed is no place for children.  I'm not quite sure how couples keep their marriage strong if they have a child in their bed every night.  All 3 of my children have grown up to be healthy, happy, independent,  and mature individuals.

I can't fathom sleeping with a child in my bed...I can barely tolerate the dog and my fiance sharing a bed with me!  I can't stand to have anything touching me when I sleep and have been known to kick and hit in my sleep when I don't have enough space.  That is a pretty good indication that I should NEVER let my kids sleep in my bed.  Besides, I was NEVER allowed in my parents' bed and never felt like I was missing out on anything.

I regard that article as one more piece of information to consider when raising my children. It may fit with my family, or it may not. There is the health of the entire family to consider, not just the child. What bothers me is that it divides parents into two camps. The co-sleepers and the not co-sleepers. Then each camp is judgmental of the other. Any study, expert, etc. you read or hear may either support or be critical of what your family is actually doing: you are either validated or challenged. I did not intend to have my children sleep in my bed, but they ended up there fairly frequently for awhile. I don't make any judgements about other people's parenting styles that are different from mine, and I hope they don't judge mine. Our sex life is fine, and our marriage is strong. My kids are 15 and 13 now, and I am sure they would be fine no matter how we chose our sleeping arrangement, as long as each decision is careful and made with love, and respect for everyone in the family. 

I know some folks really like co-sleeping, but after seeing a friend of my mother, I decided it was never going to happen in my house.

My mom's friend had 3 kids, at the time they were something like 8, 5, and 2.  She was pregnant with a fourth.  All of the kids still slept in her bedroom with her and her husband (two in the bed and the oldest in a sleeping bag on the floor), even though they had rooms of their own.  They had slept in that room so long that it was safe and comfortable to them, and they were afraid to sleep anywhere else.  She couldn't get them out, and every time she tried they would get very very upset.

We put our daughter in her own crib in her own room from the beginning.  We had a monitor so we could hear her (and in the beginning, she would have been VERY hard to hear without it).  She has grown up in her very own room, slept through the night starting at 3 months, and we switched her out of the crib after the first time she climbed out of it on her own as a toddler.  Now at age 9, she has absolutely no desire to sleep in our bed, although she will often cuddle with us as we watch tv at night before bed.  She does well sleeping at other people's houses either with or without someone else in the bed, and is very independant.

I was a kid who slept in my parent's bed.  I think it began when I was about 18 months old, when I started climbing out of my crib (which scared the heck out of my mom!), and continued until I was about 4, when my parents bribed me with a goldfish to stay in my own bed (which worked).  However, I would still sleep with them when I was sick up until who knows what age (I was really sick right before I had my gallbladder out when I was 19, and slept in their bed one night even then). 

I am now a very independent and well-adjusted adult.  As a child, I always LOVED sleeping at friend's houses and begged my parents to send me to sleep-away camp at a very young age, and absolutely loved it--never had any trouble adjusting to other locations/bedrooms. 

Even now (I am almost 34), if I go to visit my mom without my husband (my parents are divorced now), I sleep in bed with my mom.  We watch tv, giggle and pass out.  And I intend on doing the same with my kids.  But it is a personal preference, and I think when you were raised to stay in/out of your parent's bed, you most likely follow what your parents did with you.

My baby is 5 weeks old and will not sleep in his crib.  He startles himself awake constantly, so we keep him in our bed at night.  When he startles himself awake and I (or daddy) are next to him, he calms right back down.  I wish that it was okay to let him sleep on his belly - he sleeps soundly that way and I think it's soothing for his tummy.

We plan on doing this as long as we're all comfortable with it, but it seems like the natural thing for us now.

I never slept in my parent's bed.  In fact, I can only remember 1 time that I was even allowed in their room at night and it was a very, very severe thunderstorm that actually did quite a bit of damage....all 3 of us slept on the floor in my parents room.

Now I have 2 children 3 and under and both of them have been in their cribs in their own rooms since day 1.  My oldest was sleeping all night by the time he was 6 weeks old and my youngest did it from her 3rd night home.  I did have a monitor so I could hear them, but they have always done well.  Now they still have a flexible schedule and can fall asleep anywhere, but have a regular bedtime at night where they go to their own beds.  They are not allowed in our bedroom except in the case of bad illness, which fortunately hasn't happened much.

I suppose I agree with the poster that said its all in how you are raised.  I consider my relationship with both my parents and my children close and family time is of big importance to me, however I feel that my bedroom is my space....they invade everywhere else with their toys!

Original Post by dog_lady:

My baby is 5 weeks old and will not sleep in his crib.  He startles himself awake constantly, so we keep him in our bed at night.  When he startles himself awake and I (or daddy) are next to him, he calms right back down.  I wish that it was okay to let him sleep on his belly - he sleeps soundly that way and I think it's soothing for his tummy.

 

We plan on doing this as long as we're all comfortable with it, but it seems like the natural thing for us now.

Sleeping on the belly:

I know they tell you not to do this, but when my daughter was born, she spent the first 11 days of her life in the hospital.  They kept her on her stomach the entire time.  By the time we got home, she wouldn't sleep any other way, period.  I gave up trying to get her to sleep on her back, because she just wouldn't.  But if I flipped her over on her tummy, she'd go right to sleep.

Ask your doc if s/he thinks it's ok for your baby to sleep on his tummy.  Didn't hurt mine a bit.  Also, tell the doc what's going on and see if s/he has any suggestions for making him more comfortable so he doesn't startle so easily.

I think that if your children sleep in your bed it puts a stess on your marraige...I know this from experience!  If you let your children in your bed then when do you have time to "sleep" with your spouse?!

We have two queen beds in our house, one for us, and one for the spare bedroom.  Sometimes we let the kids fall asleep with us, then move them or move to the other bed.

Original Post by diningerx4:

I think that if your children sleep in your bed it puts a stess on your marraige...I know this from experience!  If you let your children in your bed then when do you have time to "sleep" with your spouse?!

 

 Whenever you have a spare minute. Sex doesn't have to be a night time, in the bed activity.

I love co-sleeping. I fall asleep with my baby in the bed with me and my husband will occasionally move her to the crib, then bring her back when he leaves for work at 3 am. She also naps in my bed so I can nap, too. She sleeps so much better in our bed, I think because it smells like us. She also loves to hold hands or just brush her hand over one of us while she falls asleep. Pearl is allowed in our bed for as long as she wants to be there. I see nothing weird about co-sleeping, it feels like what is right. I don't think cave people were putting their baby in it's own space to sleep. :)