Child's Play

My boyfriend and I have had very different upbringings, spawning two very different people. That's part of the reason our relationship works. However, that same difference equals different opinions in how children should be raised. I don't want any kids, so I never thought that would pose a problem, but it has. My bf has a 4yo daughter from a previous relationship who lives with him every other week. We live together, so that means she also lives with me every other week. It puts me in a difficult position. I can't tell him how to raise HIS daughter, but at the same time, the way she's brought up directly affects me. It seems like every fight we've gotten into lately has been directly related to this and as she gets older, it's only getting worse. Some perspective on the matter would be greatly appreciated.....

What exactly are your concerns regarding her upbringing?  I think it really depends on what you think are the problems.  I'm inclined to say that it's none of your business, but that depends on what you see as the problem.

You need to sit down and agree on the rules and the expectations as a couple, away from the kid.  You need to compromise and so does he and it needs to be about your relationship working but ... you also need to realise it is his daughter and he will always choose her over you so don't put in a position to have to take sides on things.

He needs to agree to always back you with her provided that you stick to the agreed plan on how she is to be treated.  Its an awkward situation and one reason I avoid guys with kids as have been through this and its a lose lose situation if it gets bad.

Between the two of you though provided you both compromise you should be able to come up with mutually acceptable rules and ideas and then just apply them consistently and back each other and you will find most of the stress disappears.

Some quick tips in addition to the others:

• Do not talk about disagreements in front of the child.  You MUST present a united front before her.  That means you need to do as lisajb suggested - talk about the rules when she is not there.
• Do not allow your expectations after your discussion with your boyfriend to be swayed by how things are at her mother's house.  Children are quite capable of changing to their environment, once the rules are clearly outlined and followed through.  They do quite well following different rules for school and home.
• Decide what is worth the fight and what isn't.  Sometimes you just have to let things go, or at least work on them later.

Unfortunately, It is my business considering she lives in my house 2 1/2 weeks out of every month. My boyfriend, as well his daughter's mother, are both pushovers. If Amber doesn't want to eat, she doesn't eat. If she doesn't want to take her medicine she doesn't have to. She runs her mother's household and tries to do the same in mine. She's also beginning to develop really bad habits like screaming, snatching, interrupting, and throwing tantrums if she doesn't get her way. I completely understand that this is normal kid behavior, but I'm also of the opinion that these behaviors need to be nipped in the bud as they develop so they don't get worse.

Original Post by puh8suwrux:

Some quick tips in addition to the others:

• Do not talk about disagreements in front of the child.  You MUST present a united front before her.  That means you need to do as lisajb suggested - talk about the rules when she is not there.
• Do not allow your expectations after your discussion with your boyfriend to be swayed by how things are at her mother's house.  Children are quite capable of changing to their environment, once the rules are clearly outlined and followed through.  They do quite well following different rules for school and home.
• Decide what is worth the fight and what isn't.  Sometimes you just have to let things go, or at least work on them later.

 I absolutely agree with everything that you've said, but the problem isn't her. She's a child. The problem is my boyfriend's lacksidaisical approach to parenting and the effect it's having on our relationship.

I'm not sure if there is anything you can do.  If you have already brought his parenting style to his attention and he sees nothing wrong with it, then I think you might need to decide if it's something you will be able to live with long term.

I'm not a fan of letting kids run the household, or giving in when they throw temper tantrums, or any other form of letting them make the rules.  If my mate did that, it might be a deal breaker.  If i were in your shoes I'd seriously sit down and evaluate if this was something that I was willing to put up with for the next 10 years or so.

Original Post by peaches0405:

I'm not sure if there is anything you can do.  If you have already brought his parenting style to his attention and he sees nothing wrong with it, then I think you might need to decide if it's something you will be able to live with long term.

I'm not a fan of letting kids run the household, or giving in when they throw temper tantrums, or any other form of letting them make the rules.  If my mate did that, it might be a deal breaker.  If i were in your shoes I'd seriously sit down and evaluate if this was something that I was willing to put up with for the next 10 years or so.

 Which is what I've been doing. It's depressing. The future looks bleek....

I'm sorry to hear that, op.  Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

It's your business in the sense that you have to put up with it.  What I meant was, you can't really change your boyfriend's parenting techniques, and it is even less likely that you will change the ways of this child's mother.  Her behavior is all dependent on how she is treated by her parents (what they allow her to do and what they don't).  If you have already brought this up with your boyfriend and he hasn't taken your concerns to heart, there isn't much you can do.  What you can do is decide whether or not it is something that you are willing to put up with, like peaches said. 

It is a really tough situation you are in.  Have you had a non-heated discussion about this with your boyfriend? 

My husband and I, even though we've been together 13 years, don't always agree on how to deal with our 2 & 5 year old.  But we do our best to support each other, so that the kids don't think one is a pushover and the other isn't.  And if something the other does ticks us off, we try to wait until we are calm and the kids are not around to talk about it.

I know this not being your own child makes this more complicated.  And you have probably talked it over with your boyfriend.  What would be best is if you could at least get him to support you.

Not eating is not going to hurt her, so I would let that slide.  If she is hungry later, she can have what you prepared, not a new snack.  The way I deal with screaming and tantrums is to ignore them.  Make sure she is in a safe place, and tell her you will talk about it when she calms down.  It may take a few times, but eventually the tantrums will get shorter.

Acting out like it seems she is doing is usually a child's way of ASKING for steadfast rules and limits.  Kids need structure.  She's trying to figure out what her limits are.  Maybe if you could arrange a visit with her pediatrician, or even a daycare manager, your boyfriend could hear that from a professional.

I'm going to go along with everyone else and say that you have to have a long talk with your boyfriend about your part in the child's upbringing.  While you're not her mother, you will at least in some small way, take on a maternal role in her life.  You need to set ground rules with your boyfriend so that everyone is aware of what is expected of him or her, and this needs to be done out of the child's earshot.  Kids are experts at playing one parent against the other so it is imperative that the two of you agree on how she will be parented while she is in your home.  You cannot be expected to take whatever she dished out just because she is not your child and this must be expressed to your boyfriend if you intend to stay together long-term.  This will only get worse as she grows and once she enters puberty, well we all know how snarky teen-age girls can be.  She will make you miserable, and that's only if the relationship lasts that long.  If this relationship is to have a chance to succeed, you must express to him how you are feeling, sooner rather than later.  I hope it works out for you.

I think I should've been a little more clear. Maybe I made it sound like her behavior is a problem, but I didn't really mean to. I come from a very large family, with lots and lots of kids (which is probably why I don't want any of my own) so I'm pretty well equipped to handle her. The real problem is that my boyfriend and I see things so differently. He's "only" 25 and despite the fact that he has one, isn't quite ready for kids. Discipline isn't the only problem. We both have weird schedules and generally keep late hours. Often times that means we wake up equally late. Being a 4yr old with immeasurable amounts of energy, she wakes at the crack of dawn. When she's over, I encourage him to hit the sack a bit earlier. He never does and inevitably is pissed and cranky when she wakes up super early and wakes him up. So he drops her off at his mother's house (who lives down the block) and will leave her there all day while he sleeps, onlt to repeat the process the next day. Pardon me if i'm wrong, but I thought the point was for her to spend time with HIM. That may not affect me directly, but it affects my opinion of my boyfriend. And it's just one of many little things.  Actually, I guess that's the REAL problem. My boyfriend's parenting, or lack thereof, is causing me to lose respect for him. So... any thoughts on THAT?

Original Post by oplleez:

My boyfriend's parenting, or lack thereof, is causing me to lose respect for him. So... any thoughts on THAT?

 Just that odds are, he won't be any different with any children you may have with him.  I know you said you don't want any but stuff happens...

And I think it's pointless to be with someone you don't respect, but that's just me.

Original Post by brtaylor:

Original Post by oplleez:

My boyfriend's parenting, or lack thereof, is causing me to lose respect for him. So... any thoughts on THAT?

 Just that odds are, he won't be any different with any children you may have with him.  I know you said you don't want any but stuff happens...

And I think it's pointless to be with someone you don't respect, but that's just me.

 Yup. That's me, too. Which is why this is such a difficult situation. I love my boyfriend and have had the utmost respect for him. While I still do respect him, I'm afraid that will change because of this whole debacle...

Your concerns are valid. I think people give in to their kids because it's easier short term for them. If they thought about it they would realize that they're cheating their kid and setting them up for misery and failure in the future. SO there's a serious lack of empathy and interest in the kid. If he doesn't really care all that much about the future and wellbeing of his own kid... then he showing some pretty huge red flags. I could tell you what I think they are but you know the situation much better than I do.

Original Post by oplleez:

I think I should've been a little more clear. Maybe I made it sound like her behavior is a problem, but I didn't really mean to. I come from a very large family, with lots and lots of kids (which is probably why I don't want any of my own) so I'm pretty well equipped to handle her. The real problem is that my boyfriend and I see things so differently. He's "only" 25 and despite the fact that he has one, isn't quite ready for kids. Discipline isn't the only problem. We both have weird schedules and generally keep late hours. Often times that means we wake up equally late. Being a 4yr old with immeasurable amounts of energy, she wakes at the crack of dawn. When she's over, I encourage him to hit the sack a bit earlier. He never does and inevitably is pissed and cranky when she wakes up super early and wakes him up. So he drops her off at his mother's house (who lives down the block) and will leave her there all day while he sleeps, onlt to repeat the process the next day. Pardon me if i'm wrong, but I thought the point was for her to spend time with HIM. That may not affect me directly, but it affects my opinion of my boyfriend. And it's just one of many little things.  Actually, I guess that's the REAL problem. My boyfriend's parenting, or lack thereof, is causing me to lose respect for him. So... any thoughts on THAT?

Hmmm, this is a totally different problem from what I thought it was.  I assume that you have spoken to him about his behavior...what has been his response to you?  Did he understand/acknowledge your frustration?  Has he given any indication that he will change his behavior? 

Original Post by kaetlynm:

Original Post by oplleez:

I think I should've been a little more clear. Maybe I made it sound like her behavior is a problem, but I didn't really mean to. I come from a very large family, with lots and lots of kids (which is probably why I don't want any of my own) so I'm pretty well equipped to handle her. The real problem is that my boyfriend and I see things so differently. He's "only" 25 and despite the fact that he has one, isn't quite ready for kids. Discipline isn't the only problem. We both have weird schedules and generally keep late hours. Often times that means we wake up equally late. Being a 4yr old with immeasurable amounts of energy, she wakes at the crack of dawn. When she's over, I encourage him to hit the sack a bit earlier. He never does and inevitably is pissed and cranky when she wakes up super early and wakes him up. So he drops her off at his mother's house (who lives down the block) and will leave her there all day while he sleeps, onlt to repeat the process the next day. Pardon me if i'm wrong, but I thought the point was for her to spend time with HIM. That may not affect me directly, but it affects my opinion of my boyfriend. And it's just one of many little things.  Actually, I guess that's the REAL problem. My boyfriend's parenting, or lack thereof, is causing me to lose respect for him. So... any thoughts on THAT?

Hmmm, this is a totally different problem from what I thought it was.  I assume that you have spoken to him about his behavior...what has been his response to you?  Did he understand/acknowledge your frustration?  Has he given any indication that he will change his behavior? 

 We've discussed the issue(s) at length. While he acknowledges my feelings, I highly doubt that he understands and I don't want to keep nagging....

Original Post by brtaylor:

And I think it's pointless to be with someone you don't respect, but that's just me.

 Even if the sex is great??!

Original Post by loriklorik:

Original Post by brtaylor:

And I think it's pointless to be with someone you don't respect, but that's just me.

 Even if the sex is great??!

 Hm, that would make things difficult, wouldn't it?

Original Post by brtaylor:

Original Post by loriklorik:

Original Post by brtaylor:

And I think it's pointless to be with someone you don't respect, but that's just me.

 Even if the sex is great??!

 Hm, that would make things difficult, wouldn't it?

 Yes. Yes, it does.....