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CLEAN jokes - Laughter is Good Medicine
Given the hardships on Wall Street and the uncertainties of the times, I thought that we could use a little laugh.
Question: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Answer: Noah -- he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
I just didn't know where else to put this except under "Place of Refuge". Maybe we need a forum called "Glad Tidings" for CLEAN jokes, funny observations, puzzles, trivia, games and challenges.
Psalm 126:3 (KJV)
The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad.
Denna
(edited - sticky post, description)
Original Post by southern_midwife:
Who is the smallest man in the Bible?
Any guesses? (It's a joke.)
Beth
I want to say Zachias because he had to climb a Sycamore tree to see what he could see! Norma Jean
Original Post by dlbrown1020:
Given the hardships on Wall Street and the uncertainties of the times, I thought that we could use a little laugh.
Question: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Answer: Noah -- he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
I just didn't know where else to put this except under "Place of Refuge". Maybe we need a forum called "Glad Tidings" for CLEAN jokes, funny observations, puzzles, trivia, games and challenges.
Psalm 126:3 (KJV)
The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad.
Denna
Excellent idea! Thanks for starting this!
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?" Author unknown
Cooking Advice
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her daughter asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
And she replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well, dear, that's the only way it would fit into my baking pan."
Original Post by southern_midwife:
Who is the smallest man in the Bible?
Any guesses? (It's a joke.)
Bildad the Shuhite
Original Post by njakamarilyn:
Original Post by southern_midwife:
Who is the smallest man in the Bible?
Any guesses? (It's a joke.)
I want to say Zachias because he had to climb a Sycamore tree to see what he could see! Norma Jean
Good guess but there are two who are shorter...
Nehemiah ("Knee-high Miah")
and the really shortest man in the Bible was the Philipian Jailer because he was so short that he slept on his watch!
~ Beth
Thanks Guys!!!!!
I am so glad that I started this thread. Who says we have to be serious all the time?
Original Post by candilovesjon:
Original Post by southern_midwife:
Who is the smallest man in the Bible?
Any guesses? (It's a joke.)
Bildad the Shuhite
That's funny! My husband said he had heard that one but had forgotten it. Cute!
~ Beth
An oldie but a goodie!
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had
been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them
individually.. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat
the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran
directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
Think about it......
It's hard to stumble ... when you're down on your knees.
and
God answers knee-mail.
Joke
Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run out of the doors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"
The farmer crosses one leg over the other and snorts, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"
Something to think about.......
A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little
daughter, Vanessa. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his magazine, on
which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he
gave it to Vanessa, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can
put this together."
After a few minutes, Vanessa returned and handed him the map correctly
fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had
finished so quickly.
"Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper was a picture of Jesus.
When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. Orson Welles
Hey guys you have got to check out what was actually posted in the "Lounge" forum 10/15/08. It made me laugh......
(( hugs ))
SIGNS ON CHURCH PROPERTY
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a
headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with
red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its
own
message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a
church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor
fixed
the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before
you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the
pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire
insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------(U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
those are funny.The ones that make me laugh are the ones that aren't suppose to be funny but the ppl do not realize they have the little quote and then the service hours too close so it says something like "are you goig to Heaven?" Sunday 10 a.m. sooo funny!
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